The Legend of Zelda: Cow of Time
by DrPuffBall
Summary: Racoons, Birds, and Rats OH MY! When did Link decide to travel with four talking animals? Why is he fighting to save a Princess and a...cow? Why is it taking so long to write this Summary! And when is Navi going to do something USEFUuUuL! All will be answered after this commercial break!
1. Ch 1: WalMart is no safe haven

**Hey guys, thanks for checking out my lame story. It's not a very good first chapter if you ask me. I'm a little rusty cause I haven't been writing for a while. I was hoping it would turn out better, but I guess that's just how it goes. please enjoy! Thanks for reading!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own any Legend of Zelda characters, once I remember who created Zelda I'll tell you. But the characters that you've never seen/heard of in LOZ are mine. You should know who they are...**

**CHAPTER ONE: Wal-Mart is no safe haven**

One day in a small town called "Small town", there lived people. But not just _any _people, _working _people! They all lived their lives to the fullest, not aware of the fact that they were just insignificant ants. But that's not the highlight of this story!

BANG BANG BANG…

_Did somebody get shot?_

BANG…

_What is that?_

BANG…

_What in the-_

"WAKE UP YOU FREE LOADER! GET READY BEFORE YOUR FRIENDS GET HERE!!"

_Who said-_

SMACK!

A girl topples over the side of her bed with a thud. She sits up a bit dazed and rubs her cheek. She looks up at an old lady wearing a moo-moo and a shower cap.

"Grandma?" she says groggily. She notices the news paper gripped tightly in her grandmothers hands and figures that that's what caused her to fall out of bed.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KNOCK ON THAT DAMNED DOOR BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT?"

_So that's what it was…_

"I was asleep… I didn't hear you knocking." the girl lied. Her grandmother starts walking towards the door "You're just like your father, always sleeping, and doing NOTHING!" She opens the door, "always thinking good things will just COME to you!" standing halfway in the room, she points the newspaper at her granddaughter, "Linda, you better get your lazy ass out of bed and clean your room before your friends get here!"

"I love you." Linda said monotonously.

"GET A JOB!" Her grandma screams as she slams the door.

Linda looks around her room and notices that without the few dirty clothes on the floor, her room would seem spotless. She lifts herself off the floor and fixes her bed, then after cleaning she heads to the bathroom to take a shower. On the way back, she passes her grandmothers' room and overhears her mumbling to herself.

"Gotta go *hich* gocey shoppin… tomorrow *hich* an sim raisinets *hich*… can'tfoget… raisinets…"

"She's been eating Raisinets again…" Linda sighs as she goes to her room to change.

---------

"Your grandma's a quack…" Sage said as she walked into Linda's room, "She kept offering me a donut, and I might've taken it if it wasn't a plunger."

"She's been eating Raisinets again." Linda said

"Again?…" they all moan.

"Kayla said she'll meet us at Wal-Mart." Stephanie or Steph said as she finished replying to Kayla's last text message. "All right." the others said in unison. "Why are we going to Wal-Mart again?" Cheyenne asked. "Wasn't it because Linda wanted a game or something?" Steph replied. "I want the new addition to the legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" Linda said excitedly. "Are you sure it's at Wal-Mart? Steph asked. "Who knows, I just wanted to check."

"Why didn't we _all _just meet each other at Wal-Mart?" Sage asked as she headed for the door. They all pondered for a reason why, "No idea." The others said, again, in unison as they headed out the door.

----------

When they got to Wal-Mart they met up with Kayla by the front doors.

"What took you guys so long?" Kayla asked irritably.

"We stopped at Taco Bell, shut up." Sage replied with a bean burrito in her hand.

"Did you get me something?" Kayla asked, eyeing Sage's burrito.

"Does it _look _like we bought you something?" Sage said, taking a big bite out of her burrito.

Kayla pouts a bit more as they're making their way towards the electronics department. Linda sees a display for the OOT, and runs towards it. "Well, Cheyenne and I are going bra shopping, you know where we'll be. Come on Cheyenne." Sage says as she drags Cheyenne away. Steph was about to protest, but Kayla interrupts "Ya, and I'm going to go look at some shoes, I won't be too long."

Steph sighs as she watches her friends walk off. She walks over to the game display and waits for Linda to pick which one she wants. "Ya know, it shouldn't take that long to get the game. They're all the same."

"Ya, but I want one that doesn't have any scratches on it." Linda says while looking at random game cases. "I think you should be more worried about what's inside the case." Steph says.

Steph notices a small black orb in the corner of her eye. She turns her head and sees it floating next to her. "Hey Linda, please tell me you see that black orb to."

Linda looks where Steph is and goes wide eyed "ya, I do, actually."

"What do you think it is?" Steph asks, astonished.

"A huge fly." Linda swats her hand at the orb, but she goes right through it, "never mind."

The orb starts to fly away and they follow it.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Steph asks skeptically. "No… but what else is there to do?" Linda replies, picking up speed. They follow the orb until it goes through a door that says "employees only".

"Should we follow it in?" Steph asked. Linda looked at the door hesitantly, but pushed open the door anyway. Steph sighs and follows Linda inside, "I have a bad feeling about this…"

As the two go in the door, there's a hallway going left and one going right. Linda looks down both halls and saw that the orb went down the right hallway. She quickly follows after it with Steph behind her. It looks like they've found Wal-Marts' back/storage room. To their right there were aisles of items that haven't been put out to sell yet, and to their left there was a small area where they put bikes together, and an area where they sorted broken items. They heard some questioning voices coming from further down the hall and ran towards the commotion.

When they got there, they were in a big room with shelves of unopened or half open boxes. They saw three stockmen being attacked by two flaming bats. One stockman had a broom in his hand swinging at one bat, and the other two were trying to jump out of the way of the second. One stockman tripped and the bat was about to ram into him, but Linda grabbed a small box and threw it at the bat. Luckily it was big enough to squish the flaming bat, but also caught the box on fire. The three stockmen dropped anything they had and started to put out the fire. The other flaming bat started flying around the room touching everything.

The stockmen didn't want to take their chances and ran out as fast as they could. "Hey! Wait! What about the fire!?!" Steph screamed as she just got finished putting out the first box that was on fire. The stockmen were already out of hearing distance. The two girls nodded at each other and were about to follow the stockmen, but the still flaming bat swooped down at them. Linda pulled Steph to the floor just in time to dodge his assault.

By now, half of the huge storage room was on fire. The girls tried to hurry out of the room, but the bat was making sure they had little chance of escaping. They heard the ceiling sprinklers go on, and the fire started to go down. They both sighed in relief and tried to get out of that room as fast as they could, but the bat was still alive!

"What! What do we do now?" Steph asked Linda. "How should I know? I've never fought a flaming bat before… I've never even seen a _normal _bat in person."

They didn't have much further to go so they tried ignoring the bat and kept running towards where they came. When they were running passed the aisles of items the black orb came flying passed them again. This time, it grew into a black hole! The girls stopped, but got sucked into the black hole anyway.

---A while before they got sucked into the hole---

Sage and Cheyenne were in the underwear and bra aisle or section looking for bras. Cheyenne was looking for a good bra when she spotted a thong. A look of disgust passed her features. "I honestly don't see how people like string up their ass." Sage looked back at Cheyenne, then at the thong "I guess it must feel good for them…" They both exchanged looks. "I don't even want to comment on that." Cheyenne said. Sage just shrugged and went back to her business.

Sage was looking around until she heard Linda and Steph coming towards them. She waited for them to come even closer, but they just passed by. She looked towards where their voices were coming from and called out their names just in case they didn't see where they were. When they didn't turn around she yelled to them. When they still didn't turn around she gave up, grabbed Cheyenne and followed them.

"What's the big deal? I wasn't done yet." Cheyenne said irritably. Sage looked just as irritated as Cheyenne "Is it too much to ask to have people acknowledge your existence? Seriously!" Cheyenne figured it would be best to just shut up and follow along. When they finally caught up to Linda and Steph they saw them going through an "employees only" door. They both looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

"What are they doing?" Cheyenne asked. Sage started to follow them, but Cheyenne grabbed her arm, "We can't go in there, what if we get in trouble?" Sage pulled her arm away from Cheyenne "If they get in trouble, it'll be up to us to bail 'em out." She opened the door and went in while Cheyenne hesitantly followed.

They looked down both hallways, and saw Linda and Steph running down the right hallway. "I wonder what they're doing back here." Cheyenne said. "Something stupid, that's for sure." Sage started to follow them. While they were walking down the hallway with the aisles of non-selling items and areas for assembling bikes and broken items, they started to smell smoke.

"Please tell me my nose is playing tricks on me and making me smell that…" Sage said. Cheyenne looked a bit irritated "No, I can smell it to. Those two do nothing but cause trouble."

"We should go get help." Sage was about to turn around, but Cheyenne grabbed her arms again. "We don't have time, look!" Sage turned and saw smoke coming from the other side of two doors at the end of the hall.

"I think we're going to need something bigger then a fire extinguisher." Sage said as she started running towards the doors. She was about to push open one of the doors, but it was too hot and she jerked her hand back. "Ouch!" She screamed, holding onto her hand, "How can those two cause such a big fire! I mean, they didn't have a lighter or matches for Pete's sake!"

Just then, the doors swung wide open knocking the two of them on the floor. They both blacked out for a few seconds. When they opened their eyes, the door was still wide open. Sage saw a fire alarm and pulled the switch. The alarms started to flash throughout the store, causing people to panic. All the sprinklers went off not only wetting the already scared customers, but also killing the fire.

"Those two better explain all of this." Cheyenne said, still a little wobbly from getting hit by the door and blinking every now and then to keep the water drops from getting in her eyes. Sage wiped her face with the back of her hand and leaned against the wall, "I hope we don't go to jail for this."

"We wouldn't be the ones going to jail."

Sage started heading in when her and Cheyenne were suddenly engulfed by darkness. She first thought she was going unconscious for some reason, but when she realized she could see Cheyenne right next to her she started getting suspicious. She didn't have time to make a comment because they both started feeling immense pain going throughout their bodies.

"What trouble did those two get us into this time?" Sage barely spoke. They fell over, clutching their stomachs, waiting for the pain to subside. But Then they really _did_ go unconscious.

----A long while before _anybody _was sucked into a hole----

Kayla was walking towards the shoe department when she saw a flash of light come from a nearby bathroom. As she got closer she realized that it was coming from the boys restroom. She really didn't want to go in there, but she was curious to what was in there. "I know I'm gonna hate myself for this…" She looked around to make sure that nobody was around and ran inside.

Kayla looked around the restroom and sighed when she noticed she was alone. She also noticed that the light was gone, "if this was all a trick I'm gonna-" She spotted a golden triangle on the sink. Her face lit up when she realized it was gold.

"I'm sure I could buy a pretty good amount of shoes with this baby." She thought of all the things she could buy as she reached out to get it. Light suddenly emanated from the triangle and Kayla was engulfed by it, "WHA-AHH!"

Kayla felt as if she were on a roller coaster… without the bars and seatbelts. She was going through every color in the rainbow until she was suddenly flying in mid-air. She noticed that she was flying over a grassy plain. She stared in astonishment at the unpolluted environment.

"I'm definitely not in America anymore…"

She passed what seemed to look like a ranch and a little later an old age market place. She was amazed at first, until she realized she was flying… and it's not normal for humans to fly on their own.

Kayla started to panic and flailed her arms around like an idiot. She noticed she was about to crash into a big castle and started panicking more. "NOO, MAKE IT STOP!" She screamed and covered her face before crashing into a window. She landed on hard cement and slowly uncovered her face.

"I…I think I'm ok…" Kayla said with panicked breaths.

"I'm happy to hear that…" An irritated voice said. Kayla jolted up and looked around. From the far corner of the room an older woman, looking to be in her late 40s or early 50s, came out of the shadows. Kayla got off the floor and stood there, dumbfounded. The older woman gave Kayla a displeased look.

"Well… Is there some reason why you came crashing through the window?" The older woman asked irritably. Kayla didn't know how to respond. How was she supposed to convince an older, and probably much wiser, woman that she just _came _here? She said the first thing that came to mind.

"You look like you wear an E cup!" Kayla threw her hand over her mouth.

"Excuse me?" the older woman asked.

_You were supposed to ask about the weather or talk about food or… Something not boob related stupid! _Kayla thought to herself.

"I…I mean-"

"Impa, you're making her nervous."

Kayla and Impa turn their heads towards the doorway. A beautiful blonde girl dressed in a pink dress was standing there. Impa bowed to the girl while Kayla just stared at the girls expensive jewelry. The girl smiles at Kayla, "I hope Impa didn't frighten you too much."

Kayla shakes her head "Nah, it's cool. I just… felt a little awkward."

"I am the princess of Hyrule. My name is Zelda, pleased to meet you."

"uh… ya, pleased to meet you to." Kayla started feeling light headed.

"Your highness" Impa started, "I need to-" Zelda raised her hand to stop Impa and nodded in understanding. Then turned to Kayla and smiled "Please excuse us."

The two of them left the room.

Kayla fell to the floor clutching her head. _What's happening to me? _She thought to herself. _Am I dying? I should've kept my mouth shut, she cursed me and now I'll die of extreme headaches! _She passed out just as she heard the door open again.

* * *

**Thanks again for reading my story guys. I hope you liked it at least a little. So... ya, see ya in Ch. 2.**


	2. Ch 2: Legendary animal and stuff

**Hi everybody, I'd like to thank you if you decided to continue reading. This chapter is a little better then ch. 1, and I'm hoping you enjoy it. THANX!^_^**

**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own any of the Legend of Zelda characters. they belong to its owner who I still can't remember his name. have fun**

* * *

Sage wakes up and sees that she's floating in a dark abyss. She sees Cheyenne is still beside her unconscious. She tries to wake Cheyenne up, but she's out cold. Before she does anything else she hears a deep and scary voice.

"I have a job for you."

"Who's there? What are you talking about?" Sage asked, kind of surprised.

"Find the legendary animal and bring it to me."

"What legendary animal?"

"The one that will help me rule all of Hyrule!"

"Did you say Hyrule?"

"Find it!"

"No."

"Then… Kiss my Nutri-grain bars!"

"…. Is it strawberry flavored?"

Sage starts getting a headache and when she brings her hands up to rub her head she notices that they're little claws. She looks at her claws in amazement, then at the rest of her body.

She was turned in to a rat!

"Wha-What did you do to me!"

"Find the animal and I'll turn you back into your original form, and your little friends to."

"Little friends?" Sage looked around and noticed Cheyenne, Steph, and Linda were turning into animals. "What about my Nutri-grain bar asshole?" She heard maniacal laughing and then it faded away. She ran towards her friends who fully turned into animals. Right as she reached her friends the scenery changed and they were lying on a wooden floor.

Sage looked around really confused. They were in a small restaurant. It had wooden tables with white table clothes and a small vase with a flower on top of each. The atmosphere was nice, but lacking in customers. None of which noticed a bunch of animals sprawled out on the floor. Sage looked at her friends and realized she didn't know who was who. She started hearing footsteps coming towards them. Sage looked up to see the head chef with a broom in his hand.

"SQUEAK!" Sage was about to run away, but realized the chef hitting a raccoon with the broom.

_I forgot that Cheyenne, Steph and Linda were here to._

Sage watched as the raccoon didn't even budge while the chef yelled and hit at it.

_Ya that's Linda._

Sage jumped onto the chef's leg and bit him. He screamed and jumped around in circles, running into a few tables in the process. Sage ran over to her friends and tried to get them away from the chef. She was having trouble since she wasn't strong enough to lift a duck, raccoon and a parakeet.

The chef charged at Sage with the broom. They ran around the restaurant for a while until a duck flew and flapped its wings in the chefs' face, which caused him to jump back. He let go of the broom and it landed on Sage. She was flat on the ground until she felt someone pick her up and fly out the door, literally.

Sage looked at who rescued her. It was the parakeet! "Which one are you?" the parakeet set Sage on a nearby fountain. "What do you mean which one are you? I'm the one who saved you."

"I helped to!" they turned their head towards the oncoming duck. "What about me?" the raccoon asked. "What about you?" the duck and parakeet said in unison. The raccoon smiled innocently and changed the subject "So… uh… You guys wouldn't happen to know where I am, would you."

"I don't even know you!" the parakeet yelled. Sage groaned "Can you guys seriously be that dense? Do you not recognize each others voices?"

The animals just looked at each other. After a few minutes Sage sighed, "For crying out loud, we're all friends!"

"Friends?" they said, surprised.

Sage looked unpleased "Yes, friends."

"Then who are you?" the parakeet asked. "I'm Sage."

"But you're a rat." The raccoon said.

"I can tell you're Linda, and I don't think I have to point out that Steph is a duck."

Steph looked at everyone confused then looked at herself, "WHOA! I am a duck!"

"Never mind." Sage said.

Steph was about to respond but was interrupted by the chef that was chasing Sage with a broom earlier. Except he traded his broom for a butcher knife.

"I'll get you stupid animals if it's the last thing I do!"

They were all chased around the crowded area, until they somehow found their way onto a dirt path. They saw a huge metal gate being guarded by a man in armor. Luckily, they could squeeze their way through the metal bars and hide in a nearby bush.

The chef came up to the gate and started pounding on it. The guard pushed him away, "What business do you have here peasant?" The chef flailed his butcher knife in the air like a mad man "How could you not see four rodents run by here! They could infest your food like they did mine! They'll burn Hyrule to the ground if we don't stop them!" He just kept ranting on while the guard nodded towards other guards to come and take him away. He struggled as he was dragged back to where he came from.

The animals watch as the crazed chef is dragged away, and then they sigh in relief. "I hope we never see him again." Steph said. Linda starts to cry, "We're all gonna die!" Steph snaps her beak at Linda, "Shut up! I'd like to get out of here alive thank you!" Linda nudges Steph, "You're just mad because you'd be the first to be plucked and made into a meal."

Steph cringes at the thought, "No! I don't wanna be duck soup!" she covers her face with her wings and sobs. Linda just looks at her, "If it makes you feel better, they wouldn't be making a soup with you." Steph sobs harder. "Are you trying to console me or not?"

"It's more like a matter of fact then it is of consoling."

"I hate you…"

"Well it is."

Sage shakes her head in disapproval, "No more pep talks from you Linda."

"Fine, fine." Linda looks around, "this place looks somewhat familiar." Cheyenne flies onto Linda's head, "How so?"

"Well" Linda points at the building in front of them, "that huge building looks like a castle, which is no where near where we live." She points at a nearby guard, "and the policemen where we come from don't wear tacky armor like that."

"Not to mention the fact that we're animals." Sage cut in.

"Ya, that to."

"You guys wouldn't happen to know anybody who could change us back, do you?" Cheyenne asked. "I think getting out of this place alive should be our first priority." Sage said.

"You guys worry too much, I think we should enjoy it while it lasts. My grandma always wanted me out of the house anyway." Linda said, "Besides, what's so bad about being an animal? You can do what ever you want and don't have to pay a single penny! I'm sure people might hunt Steph and me, keep Cheyenne as a pet, and try to catch sage in a mouse trap, but if we-" The others cut her off.

"We're getting out of here…" They said in unison.

"I bet Willy never had to deal with this crap…"

They ignored Linda and tried to come up with a plan that would get them out of there. As they were planning, they overheard nearby guards talking.

"Did you hear about the new prisoner?" One guard asked.

"The one they found in Princess Zelda's room?" The other responded.

"Ya, I overheard the conference they had."

"What was the kings' decision?"

"He said he should have a decision after his meeting with Lord Ganondorf."

"Why not just lock her up in the dungeon for the rest of her life?"

"Princess Zelda is against that idea. I don't see why, the prisoner is so strange. It's like she's from a different world or something. Her clothes are so weird."

"I blame the parents."

"I also heard from Tom that Impa senses a strange power coming from her."

"Was it because she was talking about cups?"

They both burst out laughing.

The animals look at each other in confusion. Sage was wondering about the 'Legendary animal' and if the prisoner they're talking about has any connections to it. The others didn't know what to make of their situation. They just sat there and waited for someone to suggest something intelligent. Sage looks at her confused friends.

"We're going to the castle dungeon."

"What?" They all said in unison. "You heard me." Sage said. "Why would you wanna go there?" Steph asked. Sage starts heading towards the castle, "Because I'm curious of something."

They all just shrugged and followed Sage. After wandering around the outside of the castle, they found a barred window that was touching the ground. It looked like a dungeon window so they went to check it out. When they're close to the window Steph plops down on the dirt and Sage hops off her back. She looks through the bars but doesn't see anything.

"Are you guys sure this is the dungeon?" Sage asks.

"How should we know, we only ran over here because it's actually a window we could look through without climbing anything." Linda said while scratching her ear with her hind leg.

"This window looks different from the others anyway." Steph said.

Sage rolls her eyes and sticks her head further into the window. Her rat senses start to kick in and she was able to see that a stone was being thrown at her! Before she could move, it hit her right in the face. She falls on to the cemented floor.

"Me… Always me." She said in a daze.

Steph sticks her head into the room and looks down at Sage.

"So… Do you know if this place is a dungeon or not?"

Sage looks up at Steph irritably.

"Why don't you tell me since you have a better sense of sight at the moment!"

"Well Gee, you don't have to get mad about it."

"GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE IF YOU'RE SO CURIOUS!"

"I would love to Sage, but unfortunately my ass isn't small enough to fit through these damn bars!"

"THEN LAY OFF THE FISH, IT MIGHT HELP SOME!"

"IT'S PART OF MY DIET! I AM A DUCK YOU KNOW!"

"THEN TRADE THE BREAD FOR SOME NUTRI-GRAIN BARS!" Sage just remembered something. Wasn't that creepy voice supposed to give me a Nutri-grain bar? I gotta remember to kick his ass later…

Sage hears someone talking in the background and looks around. She lifts herself off the ground and sees Kayla curled up in the far corner. Kayla's covering her face with her hands muttering stuff about hallucinations. Sage walks up to her and asks, "What're you hallucinating about Kayla?"

Kayla looks down at Sage and her eyes open wide, "YOU!" She grabs a rock and lifts it in the air, "Get away from me! Normal rats I can handle, but talking ones? They're gonna take over the world and force me to scrub bathtubs and dust lamps! I can't do hard labor!" She chucks the rock at Sage, who barely dodges it. She runs and hides behind a nearby pot.

Cheyenne flies into the room, "Kayla calm down and stop attacking your friends!" Kayla glares at Cheyenne "Friends don't force their friends to scrub bathtubs and dust lamps!"

"Not where I come from." They both heard Linda say through the window.

Cheyenne glares at Linda and gives Kayla a 'you're stupid' look "No one here is going to make you do anything."

"Having her take a few chill pills should be an exception." Sage said.

Cheyenne ignores Sage and flies onto Kayla's shoulder "Kayla, how'd you get in here?"

"I don't know. One moment I crashed into someone's room and passed out, the next thing I know I'm in here."

"Well… I can believe that. How'd you get into the castle?"

"I floated here… somehow." It was silent for a moment, "you guys gotta save me! They think I'm some kind of Legendary Animal or something! Do I look like an animal to you!"

"From here you do." Steph and Linda said.

"What's a legendary animal?" Sage asked. "I don't know! An animal that's legendary?" Kayla replied. They just sat there in silence while Linda tried to push Steph through the window. "I… I don't think you're going anywhere anytime soon Steph!" Linda said.

"Just try harder" Steph said. Linda stopped pushing Steph and went through the window, "Hey, what gives! Help me damn it!"

"I can't…"

Everyone hears a door open and they all hide behind the pot Sage is behind, besides Kayla and Steph. The person's footsteps echoed through the eerie dungeon. It stops in front of Kayla's jail cell. The one's who can't see in the dark wait for their eyes to adjust so they can get a better view of the person.

"Hello." A very girly voice said.

"Princess Zelda, is that you?" Kayla asked.

"Yes, I wanted to come apologize to you for my fathers' misjudgment."

"Does this mean I'm free?" Kayla said with hopeful eyes.

"Well, no" and just like that, her hope was gone, "But I got my father to agree to let you roam the castle until he makes his decision."

"I guess that's better then nothing…"

"I was wondering if you'd want to play with me."

"… I guess… only if you tell me what the legendary animal is."

Zelda thinks for a moment, "I guess I will tell you."

_Somewhere in Hyrule many years ago, there was this strange traveler who was in desperate need of medical assistance. Unfortunately, there was no village in sight._

_Then, when he was on the brink of death, this animal came and carried him to the nearest village. There, he was nursed back to health. When he got better, he claimed the animal as his trusty companion._

_To show his appreciation, he gave the animal a strange food known as "cheese poofs"_

_Shortly afterwards the animal started acting strange. Not only that, but all of Hyrule started to change. There were many droughts and shortage of the food supply._

_They believe that the strange food gave the animal strange powers that were just as powerful as the triforce. Once word got out that the animal was just as powerful, everyone in Hyrule wanted it for themselves._

_The Royal family thought it would be best to get rid of the animal. The traveler, who was supposedly dead, wasn't there to stop the royal family from killing the animal._

"What happened afterwards?" Kayla asked. "I'm not sure, many say that the traveler came back and was devastated, but then I heard that everything went back to the way it was before the legendary animal came to be." Zelda replied.

"So… What is the legendary animal?"

"A cow."

"WHAT! You guys mistaken me for a cow!"

"It's a bit more complicated then that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well… It's not that you look like a cow or anything, it's just that you have the same aura as the legendary animal."

"Does that mean you guys are gonna kill me to?"

"I'll do everything in my power to prevent that."

They're silent for a moment. "I guess we should go now, I don't want to stay in here any longer then I have to." Kayla said, getting off the ground, "But it would be great if someone was to save me before the king made his decision." Kayla looks at her friends with a 'you better save me' look. Zelda opened the jail cell and they both walked out of the dungeon. The animals climb out of the window and help Steph get unstuck.

"So we're going to help her?" Steph asked.

"If she's as powerful as the triforce she can save herself." Linda said.

"But she'll be mad if we don't save her."

"It doesn't matter anyway, she'll be dead."

They all glare at Linda, "well it's true."

"Either way, we're going to save her. Now let's get into that castle." Cheyenne said.

"Well hello there…" A creepy pedophiliac voice said.

They all look up and see a guard. Before they could run, he snatches them in a bag. When he tossed them out they were back in Hyrule market. Sage glared at the guard as he walked away. "I'm surprised he didn't take me to the kitchen." Steph said. "You should be more happy then surprised." Cheyenne replied.

"How are we gonna get into the castle now?" Sage asked

"I can't believe we're in Hyrule…" Linda said, mesmerized by the scenery.

"We figured that out a while ago Linda." Cheyenne said.

"Ya, but no one acknowledged it."

"What ever." the others said.

"So, you come to face Chef Pebble again, eh!"

They all turn and see the chef from earlier… again. He had a devilish and almost insane smile plastered on his face. "Man that's one creepy chef. No wonder he doesn't have any customers." Sage said.

"You dirty animals come to spread your filth all over my food again?"

"Your food was filth to begin with!" Steph yelled.

"Stop squawking at me you stupid duck." He threw his butcher knife at Steph.

"Come on guys, follow me!" Linda ordered.

They followed Linda out of the market and into Hyrule field. The stop when they pass the bridge.

"Ok, he's gone." Cheyenne said while checking to see if he followed them. "What do we do now?" Sage asked. "We find a way to get into the castle." Cheyenne replied. "But that crazy chef guy is guarding the market." Steph said. "I can take care of him." Linda offered.

"No." They all said.

"Well, another thing we could do is somehow turn back into humans." Linda suggested. "That would take a few years." Cheyenne said.

"I know, but I was just putting it out there."

"Let's ask Link for help." Sage said.

"Or go steal Epona." Linda said.

"Stupid Chewbacca baby." Cheyenne said.

"What?" Linda asked.

"The cheesy reason why we're going to get Link is because he's the only one who doesn't get kicked out of the castle." Cheyenne said.

"But he does it illegally." Linda said.

"Shut up Linda."

"Ok."

* * *

**I'd like to thank NightmareAngel365 for being my first reviewer and a good friend. Also, the character Cheyenne is based off of Nightmareangel. I hope I get more reviews in the future, but if not, I just hope people read the story. TA-TA FOR NOW!**


	3. Ch 3: They separated

**Sorry for not updating in a while, I kind of experienced writers block. I didn't want to keep you guys waiting any longer so I just posted what I had. Sorry if it's lame, I couldn't think of any other way to end it. Well, hope you like what I have. N-joy!**

**DISCLAIMER: The Legend of Zelda doesn't belong to me, that would be kewl though. Still don't remember who created it.**

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The last time we were with our non-heroic animal heroes, they decided to go find Link! Because NO cheesy legend of Zelda story is anything without Link. Anyway, they were trekking through Hyrule field when the sun decided to go down.

"Damn it, I was hoping we'd make it before sun down." Sage said.  
"This is Hyrule; you'll never make it from Hyrule market to Kokiri forest before the sun goes down." Linda said.

"Quick! Everyone on to the trail!" Sage ordered. They all just looked at Sage, "what?"  
"What trail?" Cheyenne asked. Sage looked around and didn't see the trail "Crap."  
"Why do we need a trail? We know where Kokiri forest is." Linda said.  
"Ya, but at night the Stalchildren come out, and the only way to avoid them is to stay on the trail."  
"This information might've been a bit more helpful if you told us before we headed off to nowhere-ville." Steph said.

Sage looked around a little more "Let's just keep going and try _not _to get killed by skeletons."  
"Like we didn't think of _that _already." Linda commented. "Shut up and keep walking." Sage said.

The group kept walking while keeping an eye out for dead people. They started hearing the ground being dug open and Stalchildren crawling out of them. "What was that?" Steph and Cheyenne said, looking around frantically trying to see the oncoming enemies. Sage and Linda could see just fine, but what they saw wasn't a welcoming committee.

"I have a bad feeling in my stomach." Steph said nervously.  
"Well… We _are _about to die." Linda said.  
"You are the _worst _consoler EVER!" Steph screamed.  
"No one ever appreciates honesty anymore…"

"GUYS, GET US OUT OF HERE!" Sage screamed. Steph and Linda (Cheyenne was on Stephs back and Sage was on Lindas) ran through the Stalchildren as fast as they could. After getting out of the crowd of Stalchildren, Linda saw a nearby tree. She jumped on it and climbed to safety. Sage and Linda looked around to see where Steph and Cheyenne were, but they were missing! OMG RIGHT?!

"Where'd they go?" Sage asked. Linda was trying to catch her breath while watching the Stalchildren try to reach for them "Beats me, I wasn't exactly looking for them."  
Sage rolls her eyes "Gee, you're helpful."  
"I didn't see _you _do anything but hitch a ride on _my _back."

After a night of watching Stalchildren jump around like morons and eventually falling asleep, the sun comes up. Sage squints at the bright light, then rubs her eyes and yawns. She nudges Linda who was curled up beside her. No movement. She nudges a little harder, but Linda slips out of the tree with a big thud.

"whoops."

Linda stands up groggily, and rubs her head "The hell just happened?"  
Sage looks down at her "Uh… You rolled off the tree."  
"Oh…"  
"Heh…Ya."

Sage climbs down the tree and joins Linda "So… Should we go look for Cheyenne and Steph?"  
Linda stretches "I say we go get Link. That _is _why we came all the way out here."  
"Ya, but what if they're in trouble?"  
"Every mammal for themselves."  
"They're both birds…"  
"Same difference. Now let's get outta here."

Linda turns around to walk away, then turns back to Sage "I'm not sure where we're going anymore."  
"Figures…"

For a while, they just walked around aimlessly until they came to a small group of trees. As they walked further through the trees, they see these two big tree trunks planted parallel to each other (crappy description, I know). They recognize it as the pathway leading to the bridge that leads to Kokiri forest…. If that made sense. They were walking through the pathway when Linda looked up and saw Kaepora Gaebora, I don't really care much for his name, so I'll call him owl.

Linda glared at the owl and he glared back. "You better keep walking you furry son of a bitch." Linda looked at the owl in astonishment. She never thought the owl would talk like that to anyone. She faced forward and kept walking, trying to ignore the owls glare.  
"asshole…" She muttered to herself.

Sage and Linda walked through the huge log thing and stopped on the bridge. They saw Saria and Link talking to each other.  
"Wouldn't it be awkward if we just saw them making out or something?" Linda asked.

"You're such a freak."

They looked up when they heard footsteps. Link was running away from Saria, but he didn't see our furry zeroes. Of course he tripped over their sorry asses, what did you expect?

"What did I trip on?" Link asked, sitting up and rubbing his head. "A rat and a Raccoon. I told you to watch out." A horribly annoying shrill voice replied. Link stood up and looked down at the dazed animals. Realization hit him and he leaned over them. "I'm so sorry; I hope you're not dead!" He panicked.

Linda groaned "Did I just get hit by a green truck?" she asked no one in particular. "Shut up Linda." Sage said. Link and Navi looked at the animals with astonishment.

"I… I see a light." Linda said.  
"I doubt you're dying."  
"Maybe it's an orange."  
"What?"

The two animals look up at Link and Navi, who still have the same expression. Both give them a funny look "What?" They both said in unison.

"You can talk." Link said.  
"So can you." Linda said.  
"But you're an animal."  
"And you're an elf."  
"I'm a Kokiri."  
"That's not what Bobby said."  
"This conversation isn't gonna get anywhere." Sage said.

After the boring introductions, Linda explains why Link should help them.

"Our friend is going to be slaughtered with a hammer if we don't go save her from the demons that live in the Hyrule castle. They want to sacrifice her feet to the guru guy that lives down the street! And then they're going to give her hair to the priest that lives next to the guru guy!"

Sage gave Linda a menacing look while Link and Navi gave her a confused/horrified look. "You're an idiot." Sage said. Linda shrugged; they looked up at Link and Navi. The two still looked shocked.

"You guys have no other facial expressions, do you?" Sage asked.

"I'm trying to get over the fact that you're talking animals." Link replied.  
"You should drink milk." Navi said.  
Linda looked at Sage "Told you she only says worthless crap nobody cares about."  
"I kind of don't care right now." Sage said.  
"Do you have a problem with me fat ass!" Navi screamed at Linda.  
Everyone stared at Navi.  
"What?!"

"…You're kind of a bitch." Linda said.  
"Shut up! You're a fat ass raccoon!"  
". . . Bitch."

Sage sighs and looks up at Link "Uh… I know you're not clear on the details, but could you help us rescue our friend who's stuck in the castle? And maybe find our other two friends…"  
Link looked down at Sage and smiled "No problem."

"BIG problem!" Navi interrupted.  
"What's the problem, we're animals in need. Help us and we won't be forced to give you rabies!" Linda said.  
"You have rabies?" Link and Sage asked.  
"I don't know, maybe"  
"You're a stupid raccoon."  
"And you're a whiny bitch."

"Will you guys stop, it's annoying." Sage said. Link nodded "We should go; I would like to get to the castle before nightfall."  
"NO! I don't want to fight those Stalchildren again!" Linda cried.  
"Stalchildren?" Link asked.  
"You'll see when we get into Hyrule field… and the sun goes down." Sage said.  
"If you say so."

The quartet walked through the log and was stopped by the owl. Linda hid behind Link.

"Good morning sunshine!" The owl chirped.

Link looked at the owl in amazement. He's never seen such a huge bird before. He imagined the great deku tree and the huge bird having a fight to the death to see who was stronger. Then he remembered that the great deku tree was dead. He was about to go into a sad memory montage when Navi suddenly screamed in his ear, surprising him.

"Huh!… What?"  
"What are you, stupid?! LOOK!"

Link looked around and noticed Linda and the owl fighting. Sage crawled onto his shoulder. "You might want to get use to this, she does that a lot."  
They watch as Linda barely dodges the owls claws.  
"This is a good time to see if that bird's any good."  
Navi and Sage give Link an awkward look which he was too busy watching the fight to notice.  
"Link! Don't just stand there, do something!" Navi ordered.  
"What do you want _me _to do?"  
"Stop them!"

Link sighed and walked towards the fighting animals. He quickly grabbed Linda and ran back towards Sage and Navi.  
"Don't come over here!" They both screamed, running away. Link looked behind him and noticed the owl was chasing after him… or Linda. He picked up speed and eventually caught up to Sage and Navi. They ran across Hyrule field as fast as they could.

After about an hour, the owl gave up and flew away. The group collapsed to the floor.  
"What. The. HELL!" Navi screamed.  
The other two looked at Linda with the same expression as Navi.  
"He started it!" Linda said in defense. The others glared at her, "didn't you see the look he gave me!"  
"So the whole thing was just about the way he looked at you?!" Navi screamed again.  
". . . You would've done the same thing."

Everyone gave Linda a death glare. She looked to the ground "I'm…Sorry."  
"Now was that so hard?" Sage asked.  
"Yes."

Link looked at their surroundings "You guys wouldn't happen to know where we are, would you?"  
"Hyrule field." Navi said.  
"I'm sure he already knew that." Linda said.  
"No one asked the fat ass."  
"I hate you."  
"Are you guys _ever _going to get along?" Link asked.  
"Probably not." they both said.

* * *

**I'd like to thank everyone who read the story thus far. I appreciate you!**** See ya next chapter!**


	4. Ch 4: Crazy people plus a Princess

**OH MA GAWD! AFTER LIKE 3 YEARS THERE'S FINALLY AN UPDATE... yeah... sorry about that... I've got a crazy editor/illustrator with an anger management problem so I probably will be forced to finish this story. Weeeeeeeee ^_^**

**DISCLAIMER:Do not own any Legend of Zelda characters they all belong to Shigeru Miyamoto and other people who made the game. YAY!**

* * *

Last time our retarded heroes were separated when being chased by skeleton people. Then Sage and Linda found Link. Now they're trying to find Steph and Cheyenne while also accompanying Link to the castle! Now let's see what happens when we put a scorpion in Links' pants!

"But I'm not wearing any pants…"

Links' companions give him an awkward look. "What a coincidence, me neither!" Linda replied. Navi rolled her eyes then turned to Link. "What exactly are you talking about?"

He stared at her blankly "… I don't know anymore."

"Link, you're going to be a good father." Linda commented.

"I hope so, for his children's sake." Sage said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Navi asked Linda.

"I didn't say it _had_ to deal with anything, I was just saying."

Navi flew ahead of the group, "Because you two are annoying I'm going to skip over to a more important matter! We're in front of the castle drawbridge!" Sage and Linda look at Navi irritably.

"This once again proves that Navi only points out the obvious and is in no way useful." Linda stated while picking her nails.

"Let's eat her." Sage suggested.

"Nah, too many carbs."

"You care?"

". . . Touché rat, touché."

"You two may be the _stupidest_ animals I've ever had the misfortune of meeting!" Navi screamed.

"Hey, it's because of me that we got to the drawbridge before nightfall!" Linda argued.

"It's also because of you that we were almost killed in the process." Sage stated

"Now that's just being dramatic."

"Is it, really?" Navi flew around Linda's head angrily.

Link tries to find a way to calm down his newly found friends "Well, look at the bright side, at least the sun is still up and we can get to the castle quicker." They all pause.

"Just because you said that the sun is gonna go down." Sage said.

"What makes you say that?" Link asked.

Just then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the sun goes down and the drawbridge is pulled up!

"Damn it Navi, look what you did!" Sage yelled.

"What'd I do?" She asked.

"You jinxed us!"

"What are you-"

"Calm down you two, we need to find shelter before those monsters come out." Link interrupted.

"Now that I think about it, we could've jumped onto the bridge while it was being pulled up instead of just watching it like fat kids waiting for a cake shop to open." Linda pointed out. The group was silent for a few minutes.

"I hate my life. . ." Navi said.

"I hate your life too." Sage replied.

"I hate the fact that my tail is larger than both of my legs." Linda commented, staring at said tail and legs.

Link looks over at Linda and nods in agreement "Yeah, your tail _is_ bigger than your legs."

Linda looks up at Link with shining eyes "Link, don't you see, we were meant for each other!"

"What?" Link asked, confused.

"Linda, shut up." Sage said.

"If the sun doesn't come up in two minutes somebody's going to get hurt! I guarantee you that somebody _will_ be the authoress!" Navi yelled, glaring at me like she _knows_ me!

FINE! Damn fairy… and then the sun came up and the drawbridge came back down so our heroes could walk their happy asses across… Navisucks…

"What a wonderful turn of events! Let's go see the princess!" Navi said excitedly. The group heads into the market. Link and Navi were enjoying the busy scenery while the other two were looking out for that crazy chef guy. There was suddenly a cry for help!

"Somebody help me, please!" a middle-aged woman with an irritating voice and ridiculously crazy hair said.

"If I didn't know any better, I would've thought the authoress was describing an older version of you Linda." Sage said. "She could be, you never know."

"What's wrong, ma'am?" Link asked the lady. She looks down at him with a distressed look. "You see little boy, I was walking home just a few minutes ago when I noticed one of the buttons on my shirt was missing," Everyone gasps, "yes, and I'm afraid it's one of the more important buttons too. See!" She points to the area where the button is missing. The group was quick to cover their eyes but when they noticed a huge amount of crazy chest hair covering the open area they weren't sure to be afraid or relieved. Needless to say it was a little bit of both and bewilderment…. And disgust.

"Have you ever considered shaving?" Linda asked.

The woman glares at Link "Why, I never!" She huffs, slapping him across the face. He rubs his cheek "What was that for?" he asked. "I should've asked for someone else's help!" Saying as she storms off.

"Gee, what'd you do to make her angry?" Linda asked. "Beats me." Link replied. Sage and Navi glare at Linda and she just gives them a nervous smile.

"Are you ok?" A little red headed girl asked. The group looks at her and Link nods.

"Hello, my name is Malon, what's yours?"

"Li-"

"Wow, you have a fairy! That's amazing! you must be from the forest! Hey, can you go get my dad from the castle? I can tell you're headed that direction anyway! He probably fell asleep somewhere. He's a heavy sleeper so I'll let you use this cuccoo!" She throws him a cuccoo egg. Link fumbles with the egg and almost drops it until Navi helps steady the egg in his hands.

"But it hasn't even hatched yet." Navi pointed out.

"Oh wow! Amazing! It can talk! That's super amazing fairy boy!"

"Not really." Sage and Linda said in unison.

"Oh, you have pets! Amazing! I have many pets back at our ranch; it's called Lon Lon Ranch, amazing right? But these wild animals are ones we normally kill because they get into our valuables! But you are a very amazingly skilled pet owner if you can train wild rodents such as these! Training wild animals must be a tough job huh? Wow, you don't talk much fairy boy! Well, if you see my dad tell him I'm waiting for him! Bye!" She turns around and starts singing a song to herself while completely ignoring our friends standing right behind her. "She reminds me of the cheerleaders from our high school; always using their mouths, but chooses to ignore the less popular people." Sage said.

"That's not true, she noticed us." Linda pointed out.

"Linda, she called us wild animals. " Sage argued.

"And rodents! Don't forget rodents!" Navi chimed, trying to hide her laughter. Sage and Linda ignore Navi and look over at Link, waiting for his next orders.

"What?" Link asks.

"That's what we're wondering, _fairy boy_," Linda teased," what are we doing next?"

"Well of course we have to head towards the castle and meet Princess Zelda, and I guess look for Malons' dad while we're there."

"Yeah, we get that, but what about our friends?"

Link thought about it for a while, "Well, you said one of your friends was at the castle; why not go after her first and worry about the other two when we come back to the market?"

"I agree, and let's not forget the possibility that the other two went back to the castle when you guys were separated." Navi stated.

"That's true." Linda agreed.

"Then let's get going!" Sage cheered.

Our quartet headed down the dirt road that leads to the castle gates. Link was about to negotiate with the guard to open the gate, but Sage and Linda pointed out the vines on the small cliff that he could climb up. Several failed attempts and small bruises later, Link finally managed to climb the vines onto the cliff. Sage and Linda lead them passed the ferocious security, and when I say "ferocious" I mean "needs to go to the gym because they redefine what it means to be thin and lanky" ferocious. It's no wonder Ganondorf was able to take over Hyrule castle so easily! They were asking for it!

Anyway, when they get passed the small security in the field, they run into another cliff, but fortunately for Link, there's a steel ladder instead of vines. Nine more bruises later, they're swimming in a moat and occasionally getting their hands on a rupee or two.

As our heroes lift themselves out of the moat and come closer to some crates labeled "milk", Link notices a strange figure sleeping in front of a crate. Link goes closer to the figure only to be punched in the face.

"OH MY GOD!" The three girls screamed as Link falls to the floor unconscious.

The girls look over at the culprit with bewilderment. A six foot, burly man wearing blue overalls and a skin tight, red shirt stands up from his sleeping position. He had dark circles around his eyes showing that he wasn't well rested. There was food crumbs in his beard, his hair was unkempt, and the chest hair poking over his overalls were almost as crazy as the lady they ran into earlier. Just the sight of him made our small zeroes tremble in fear.

"WHERE'S THE BEEF!" His husky voice demanded.

"You live on a ranch; there should be plenty of beef there!" Linda cried.

"What the hell? I don't remember Talon looking like this!" Sage screamed.

The burly man starts swinging his arms wildly while doing some kind of war cry so the three girls dive under Links' unconscious body.

"I feel safe already." Linda says, holding onto Links' tunic while taking a big whiff of him.

"Ugh! Don't use this situation as an excuse to fondle Link you pervert!" Sage screamed.

"You idiots now's not the time to be arguing!" Navi cried while shaking uncontrollably.

The burly man starts stomping his feet, causing the ground around him to shake. Linda remembers the cuccoo egg and feels around Links' pockets for it.

"I told you to stop fondling Link! I mean he's ten and unconscious for crying out loud!" Sage yelled.

"I just got an idea! This may be our only chance for survival!" Linda said, pulling the egg out and raising it to the sky while the _opened chest_ song plays in the background.

"That's just a stupid egg." Navi replied.

"Yeah, but I think I know where she's going with this!" Sage said grabbing the egg, chucking it at the gorilla man and hitting him square in the face.

"You're throwing arm is pretty amazing for a five-inch tall RAT." Navi commented.

"Yeah and I hope your get away plan is just as good." Sage retorted.

"What do you mea-"Before she could finish, Sage and Linda push her out from under Link just as the muscular man finished wiping egg off his face. He spots Navi and assumes she's the one that threw the egg at him.

"AAAAAUGH! MY NAME IS TALON, RULER OF THE LON LON RANCH TRIBE! FOR AS LONG AS I'VE LIVED NO MAN HAS DARED TO CHALLENGE ME, TALON, TO A LIFE OR DEATH MATCH! FOR YOU TO HAVE THROWN SOMETHING AS INSIGNIFICANT AS AN EGG DIRECTLY AT MY, TALON'S, FACE IS A SIGN OF DISRESPECT! NOW FACE THE CONSEQUENCES AND MY, TALON'S, WRATH AS I DIP YOU IN COTTAGE CHEESE AND MAKE YOU DRINK CATEPILLAR PISS!"

"What the fu-"

"AAAAH! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Navi screams as monster man Talon chases after her. Sage and Linda climb out from underneath Link and watch as Talon chases Navi out of Hyrule castle field and into the market.

"I kind of feel bad for her. I know she's a pain in the ass and all, but I mean, that was a low blow." Sage said.

"Aw, don't worry about it! She'll most likely get us back in the near future and we'll be even!" Linda said while waving off the subject.

"Well, all right, but when we end up bound and gagged in a hole full of hungry cockroaches I don't want to hear you crying."

"No problem!"

The two friends notice Link starting to regain consciousness and appear next to him. He slowly opens his eyes, but scrunches his face when the pain from getting punched in the nose comes over him. He groans while pinching his nose and lifting himself up to a sitting position.

"I feel like I got hit by a carriage. What happened to me?" Link asked.

"Malons' barbaric dad, Talon, punched you." Sage replied.

"Why?"

"You had a bug on your face."

". . . Oh, okay."

Linda looks at Link with disbelief "Are you serious? You, I mean, you're _actually_ going to believe that?"

Link slowly lifts himself off the ground "Sounds reasonable enough to me."

"It's a good thing you're cute."

"Thanks, I think you're cute too." Link says while petting Linda on the head.

"All my girlish fantasies are _this_ close to becoming true."

"What exactly would a raccoon fantasize about?" Link asked while scratching Linda's ears.

"Trust me Link, nothing good. Now let's go see the princess!" Sage said.

They moved the milk crates in place, hopped across the strange moat thing, and crawled through the little square hole in the wall. When they got to the other side they were in the castle garden. The group looked at the garden in awe. There seemed to be no flaws in the scenery; the grass was greener then any grass they've ever seen, the trees and bushes were trimmed to perfection, and the hobo sitting in the corner to their right was picture-perfect.

"Geez, how many crazy people is the authoress going to make us meet?" Sage screamed.

The hobo was of course in tattered clothes and smelled like road kill and heavy liquor. When he saw our heroes he slowly lifted himself off the ground and staggered towards them. Halfway through his journey he needed to use the wall for support.

"Trespassing *hic* is no good for you *hic*" He said, pointing a wobbly finger at the gang.

The group exchanges looks at each other and shrug. They ignore the drunken hobo and start walking into the garden. They start to hear oncoming footsteps and turn around to see the hobo stumbling towards them. They stand and watch as he fumbles over a stone then continues on. As he gets closer they step aside and watch him walk crookedly towards two guards.

"*hic* don't I know your wife? I *hic* used to date her when we were like *hic* babies!" the hobo said while putting an arm around one of the soldiers shoulder and leaning on him. The two soldiers look at each other and shrug. There's a loud whistle in the distance and a whole swarm of soldiers come and dog pile the drunken hobo. Our heroes take this opportunity to run through the empty maze while the soldiers are distracted.

"I love your wife!" the hobo shouted as he was being pummeled to a bloody pulp by twenty or so soldiers.

"How lucky are we that a drunk guy decided to be here today?" Linda asked as they were running through the empty garden maze.

"What I want to know is how he got in here." Sage said.

Link came to a stop which caused Sage and Linda to abruptly stop and fall on their faces. They both got up and looked at Link with irritated faces.

"What was that for?" They demanded.

"Where's Navi?" Link asked curiously.

"What, did you finally notice the air was a little less annoying?" Linda asked.

"She got scared of Talon and said she'd wait for us in the market." Sage said.

"Oh, okay. I wish she would've said something before she left though."

Sage and Linda glance at each other, "Yeah..."

"Hm, oh well I guess." Link shrugs and continues on.

The group comes to the part of the garden where you would normally find Zelda spying on Ganondorf through the window like some peeping tom. This time around you have Zelda and Kayla sitting on the cement steps talking like idiots together. As the trio draws closer Zelda's attention is drawn to them. Her expression goes from a happy one to a curious one as she stands up.

"Who are you? How did you get passed the guards?"

"Um. . . My name is Link, and these two are-" Link motions to the floor, but Sage and Linda weren't there. He looks around then turns back to Zelda, "Well, there _were_ two animals with me; a raccoon and a rat. They probably just got scared or something and hid."

"Did you say a raccoon and a rat?" Kayla asked as she stood up. Link nods and she scans the area, seeing if it might be her friends. In a small patch of flowers she sees a raccoon tail pop up and motion for her to go over.

"My name is Zelda, I am the princess of Hyrule. This," she motions to Kayla ", is my new acquaintance, Kayla." Link bows his head to both of them.

"Well it seems like you two have plenty of important things to discuss so if you'll excuse me, I'll just be over there." The princess nods her off and Kayla walks over to the patch of flowers.

Sage and Linda pop their head out of the flowers as Kayla sits down in the grass.

"Where's Cheyenne and Stephanie?" She whispered.

"We got separated when we were in Hyrule field." Sage said.

"How'd you get separated?"

"Eh, long story, dead things and shit, that's all you need to know."

". . . Okay."

"We came to get you out of here before you're hanged. So while Link is distracting Zelda let's get the hell out of here." Linda said as she tugs on Kayla's dress.

"Um… Well, you see, the thing is-"

"You changed your mind, didn't you?" Sage said dully.

Kayla shifted around nervously and nodded; Sage and Linda sigh in annoyance.

"It's not like I don't have a good reason to stay. Do you honestly think I'd stay here _knowing_ I'm possibly going to die?"

Sage and Linda nod.

"Oh you both can go straight to hell."

"Come on Kayla, no one in their right mind would stay in a place where their death was certain." Linda said. Sage nodded in agreement.

Kayla groans, "If I were to disappear it would cause a lot of trouble for Zelda. She's been under a lot of pressure lately because of some guy named Ganondorf. She told me that I'm the only who she can really talk to besides her nanny, Impa. I'd feel bad if I just left her like that."

"What if you were to be hung tomorrow?" Sage asked.

"Zelda's going to try to convince her father otherwise." Kayla remarked.

"And if she fails?" Linda asked.

"We can't stay here Kayla, we have to go find Cheyenne and Stephanie." Sage pointed out.

"That's fine." Kayla said while nodding in understanding.

"We also might help Link on his journey to find the spiritual kidney stones." Sage said.

"What?"

They hear Zelda persuade Link to look into the window of the castle and continue talking.

"What'll you do if there's that off chance that you _might_ be hung while we're gone?" Linda asked.

Kayla thinks for a minute and sighs, "I really believe Princess Zelda will help me as much as possible. If anything were to happen to me while you guys were away, well, I don't know."

The three of them are silent for a minute.

"Kayla, you can be sort of a dumbass some times." Sage stated.

"Yeah really, who would actually _want_ to stay with the she-demon?" Linda questioned.

"She-demon?" Kayla asked.

"If you don't know then never mind." Linda said with a dull tone.

They hear the faint sound of feet landing on the floor and look towards the entrance of the small area. A white haired woman clad in tight blue spandex and a white corset thing was standing there with her arms folded over each other. They begin to hear footsteps behind them and look over to see Link heading towards them. Kayla stands up and bows her head to Link and he returns the gesture.

Link notices Sage and Linda in the grass and motions for them to follow him to the exit. The two of them look over and give Kayla one last questioning glance while she just smiles and waves good-bye. They glance at each other before following Link to the exit. Link stops and learns "Zelda's Lullaby" from the white haired woman (who we all know is Impa so there's no real reason to keep up this charade) and she leads our heroes out in front of the castle drawbridge.

"In that direction you'll find Kakariko village. You might find more information about the spiritual stones there. That place was also where my fellow Sheikah resided. I wish you good luck on your journey." Impa looked down at Sage and Linda. She gives them a displeased look before bringing out a deku nut and flashing herself away.

"How'd she do that?" Link asked with wide curious eyes.

"She's the she-demon's witch slave." Linda said.

"She-demon? Witch slave?" Link questioned while looking at Sage, hoping she would understand what Linda was saying.

Sage sighs, "Zelda, she-demon. Impa, witch slave."

Link seemed surprised, "But Zelda's really nice and pretty. There's no way she can be a demon of some sort."

"That's what she wants you to think." Linda said with a smirk.

"Why do you think we hid when we saw her?" Sage asked.

Link thought for a moment, "But… But how do you guys know?" he asked, almost afraid.

"Animal sense." They both said with a shrug.

Before the conversation could continue they begin to hear shouting from a distance. They look around and as the shouting gets closer Sage and Linda begin to dread what was causing the ruckus. They look towards the drawbridge and coming from Hyrule market was no one other than that prude Navi. Link looked happy to see Navi, but for Sage and Linda it was quite the opposite.

"WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM! UGH, YOU GUYS ARE SUCH DOUCHEBAGS! YOU JUST WAIT TILL I GET MY REVENGE ON YOU TWO, FATASS AND SMARTASS!" She shouted whilst flying angrily around their fury animal heads.

Sage and Linda feint a yawn "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"WHY YOU-"

"Hold on Navi, what exactly did they do to you to make you so angry?" Link asked.

"THEY TRICKED THAT FAT GUY INTO CHASING ME OUT OF HYRULE CASTLE!"

"For good reason!" Linda said.

"WHAT!"

"If you didn't distract him we all would've died, you're a hero Navi! An annoying little son of a bitch, but a hero no less!" Sage cheered.

"OH DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT!"

"Fine, fine! I won't lie to you… I just think you're an annoying little son of a bitch." Sage confessed.

"And I agree." Linda said with a nod.

"All right you guys, that's enough," Link looks at Sage and Linda, "You two need to apologize for using Navi as bait without her permission _and_ lying to me about it."

". . . We're sorry. . ." They both said in unison. They're all silent for a few minutes then Link looks at Navi.

"Navi..." Link said.

"Fine! I forgive you two dumbasses! Happy!"

Sage and Linda look unsatisfied.

"Oh you both can go straight to hell!"

"Why does everybody keep saying that?" Linda asks no one in particular.

"They're jealous." Sage replied.

"Fat chance at that! Morons!" Navi screamed.


	5. Ch 5: Kakariko Setting

It's been two hours since our heroes have made their way towards Kakariko village. It was in the afternoon that they came to a river with a small bridge crossing over it. They drag themselves across the bridge and decide to take a small break before continuing on. Sage and Linda dive into the river for a quick bath while Link squats down next to the river, cups some water in his hands and takes a drink. He gets more water then splashes his face. After regaining some much needed energy, he sits down and watches his furry friends swim in retarded circles. After a few moments of peace, Navi gets irritated.

"We need to get to Kakariko village!" She shouts while flying around frantically.

Link sighs, "Navi, we've been running around for almost two days without any food or water. To be honest, I'm surprised we've gotten this far."

"The faster we get to Kakariko the faster you can eat, drink, sleep, pick your nose, whatever you want to do!"

"Come on Navi, just relax, you deserve it; we're just taking a small break anyway." Link says as he lifts his hat and scratches his head.

Navi sighs in defeat, "Fine, but when the sun goes down and we're being chased by monsters I don't want to hear you complaining."

The two watch in silence as Sage and Linda climb out of the river and shake the water out of their fur. Link welcomes the cool water while Navi hides behind him and scowls.

"I feel clean and refreshed." Linda says, plopping down next to Link.

"But now you smell like a wet animal." Sage said while scratching her ear with her hind leg.

"Eh, could be worse."

"Hey I got a question for you two." Navi said.

"What?" They asked.

"You went to the castle to save one of your friends right? Then where is this friend?"

"Oh yeah, I was wondering that too." Link said, turning towards them.

"Well, she decided to stay behind for the she-demon's sake. You see, the she-demon cast a spell on her so that-" Linda spoke until Sage whipped her in the face with her rat tail and cut in.

"It was her decision to stay for some reason. We told her we'd eventually come back for her after we found our other friends."

Link nodded his head in understanding.

"I don't remember seeing any other animals there, what kind of animal is she?" Link asked.

"Kayla? You saw her, Zelda introduced you to her." Sage said.

"But she wasn't an animal." Link stated, sort of confused.

"Well, we're not supposed to be animals either." Linda says.

"What?" Link and Navi asked, completely confused.

"Some guy with a weird voice turned us into animals." Sage said.

Link and Navi stare blankly at the two animals.

"I guess we forgot to mention that." Linda said.

"Yeah, I guess you did." Navi said, mocking Linda's tone.

"Does that mean the other two friends you're looking for are Hylian as well?" Link asks.

"We're humans, and no, they were turned into animals along with us." Sage said.

"What's a human?" Navi asks.

"Well I guess we forgot to tell you we're from a completely different world as well." Linda said with a nervous chuckle.

"Different world?" Link asks, even more confused.

"We don't really know how we got here. So we're just as lost as you are, really." Sage said with a sigh.

"I don't know if I believe you." Navi said suspiciously.

"Doesn't matter anyway, you never trusted us from the beginning." Linda stated.

"Can you blame me?" Navi said.

Link sighs, "Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm a little too tired to deal with this confusing stuff. I think we should get going before it gets dark."

"Yes, thank you!" Navi screamed.

And so the group keeps trucking towards their destination. By the time they got to the staircase leading to Kakariko village the sun was just setting. Navi notices a sign reading "Kakariko village, up ahead."

"I think we're almost there." She points out. Sage and Linda look at her irritably, "What?"

"We told you ten minutes ago when we _first_ saw the staircase that it would lead us to Kakariko village." Sage said.

"We might as well start getting used to it; we already know she likes to point out useless shit." Linda stated.

"You both can just kiss my ass!"

"I didn't know you had an ass." Sage said.

As they continue to argue, they don't notice a dozen stalchildren rising out of the ground and heading towards them. They finally noticed the unwanted company when one of them swatted at Navi and she barely dodges the attack.

"Ugh, and it was so close." Sage said while sighing.

"Shut up and run!" Navi screeched while doing that annoying alarm chime she always does.

The group scurries around the stalchildren and head up the stairs. Unfortunately, halfway up the stairs they're met with another group of stalchildren who seem to have come out of nowhere!

Link readies his sword and shield, "Get behind me!" he commanded.

"What's the point? You've got enemies on both sides." Linda said nonchalantly.

Link takes a look behind him and begins to worry when he notices stalchildren climbing up the stairs. He decides his best option is to slash down a path so he and his friends could keep running up the stairs. He uses a jump attack on the stalchild across from him then finishes it off with a horizontal slice.

"Come on!" He orders his friends as he slashes his way through the enemies. The animals run after him while Navi flies over to him. One stalchild manages to grab Linda by the tail, but she bites him in defense. He winces in pain and throws her.

"Shiiiiiii-!" Linda screamed before her face became acquainted with one of the steps; going unconscious of course.

Fortunately for Link and the others, the stalchild used Linda as a bowling ball and bowled down a path for them to run through. Link runs to Linda, with Sage on his shoulder and Navi flying around frantically, grabs her and runs the rest of the way up to Kakariko village.

Ten minutes later, an out of breath Link is lying under the big tree in the middle of Kakariko village. Grog, the guy who thinks everyone is disgusting, is watching Link with disgust, because that's all he can do.

Sage glares back at Grog, "Got a problem, pal?"

"People are disgusting. My own father and mother are disgusting. You must-"

"Yeah, yeah! We're probably disgusting too!" Sage rolls her eyes.

"Can you, tell us a place, where we could stay the night sir?" Link asks between breaths.

"Over there." Grog replies while motioning his head towards a two story building.

"Thank you sir." Link says as he stands up and bows.

"You're-"

"Disgusting, I get it." Link said irritably. He picks up Linda and heads towards the inn while Sage and Navi follow close behind.

The outside of the building seemed plain; a nice apricot color, wooden exterior shutters and a chimney coming out the top of the roof. Link went to open the front door, but it was locked.

"Damn it!" He yelled as he punched the door and dropping Linda in the process, "Oh yeah, I forgot I had Linda."

"Don't ever tell Linda that, she'd be heartbroken . . . and I don't think any of us want to deal with that." Sage replied.

"Do you two not understand the situation we're in right now?" Navi screamed.

"Oh we understand, but it's kind of a mutual understanding that you're the one who does all the useless bitching." Sage said nonchalantly.

"You little-"

"Can we not argue now guys, I'm tired and not exactly happy we'll be sleeping _outside_ tonight." Link interrupted. The two sigh and nod in agreement.

Since it was night time, the only noise they could hear was the windmill and a few crickets here and there. Neither of them wanted to wander around so they just decided to sleep outside the inn. After he set Linda beside him, Link sat up against the building and brought his knees to his chest so he could rest his head on them. Navi buried herself in Links' hat while Sage used Linda as a substitute bed.

Almost thirty minutes later, Link was close to falling asleep when he heard some oncoming footsteps. He groggily looks up at a woman holding a lantern. She had short red hair and was wearing a white blouse with a brown vest and a long blue skirt.

"Are you lost little boy?" she asked.

"No, just falling asleep." He replied.

"Outside?" She asked with a worried tone.

"It's not that bad, really."

"Why don't you come to my place? It's a little crowded, but it beats sleeping out here."

"Well, I guess." He said with a weary smile.

He grabs his sleeping friends and follows the woman to her house. It only took about ten minutes to get there and unlock the front door. Not much to see inside since the small lantern was their only source of light. The woman took Link upstairs and into, I'm guessing, an empty room. She led him to a bed and he was so happy he just kicked his boots off and jumped on the bed.

"Thank you very much." Link said.

"You're very welcome. Now get some sleep, you can barely keep your eyes open." She replied.

"Okay and thanks again," Link places Sage and Linda next to him, "Oh, before I forget, what's your name?"

"Anju, and what might your name be?" She asked.

"Link."

"Well good night Link." She said with a smile before closing the bedroom door.

"Night." He managed to whisper before sleep overtook him.

It was about seven in the morning when Link was woken up by Sage, Linda and Navi shouting. He sat up then rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and yawned. He stretched before turning to his panicked friends.

"Where the hell are we?" Navi asked in a panic.

"We're at Anju's house." Link replied.

"That crazy lady that breeds cuccoos even though she's allergic to them?" Linda asked.

"What?" Link asked.

"Never mind then."

"Look, I was really tired last night and she seemed like a nice lady so I said yes." Link explained.

"What if she was some crazy lady who could've killed you or something?" Sage asked.

"She is." Linda pointed out.

"Can't you just be happy you weren't sleeping outside?" Link asked.

"She's right Link, you shouldn't go anywhere with strangers. You could've been in serious trouble." Navi lectured.

"What are you, his mother? Link's old enough to make his own decisions." Linda said.

"He's ten!" Sage and Navi argued.

"Hey don't gang up on me, I have no idea what's going on and I'm surprised I'm even _alive_!" Linda yelled.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in." Link said. The door seemed like it was being pushed in by something from the other side and started to creak. Link got out of bed and walked towards the door, "Um, Anju?"

The door then bursts open with a wave of cuccoos that filled the whole room in a matter of seconds. The girls are frozen from the sudden shock while Link is lost in a sea of cuccoos. A weird creature covered in huge red pimples walks into the room.

"AAAH!" The girls screamed.

"AAAH!" The creature replied.

"What the hell is that thing?" Navi screeched.

"You can talk!" The creature, with a blubbery voice said; referring to Navi.

"It can talk!" The girls said.

Link popped his head out of the sea of cuccoos and spit out the feathers in his mouth. He looked around and took notice of the strange creature.

"AAAH!" Link screamed.

"We already did that." Linda said.

"Oh Link, there you are. Why not come down for some breakfast?" It said.

"Anju?" Link asked in disbelief.

"Of course silly, who else would it be?" It, or rather, Anju said.

"More like _what_ else would it be?" Sage mumbled.

After boring introductions and pushing through the sea of cuccoos they're all downstairs in the kitchen eating eggs and bacon. Anju sat Link down at the table and made the animals eat on the floor along with the sea of cuccoos.

"This is degrading." Sage said irritably as a cuccoo comes over and starts picking at her eggs, "You damn cannibal!" She swats at it with her rat nails.

"I can't look her in the face." Linda said uncomfortably.

"What face? It's all covered in hives!" Sage yelled as a flock of cuccos attack both of their plates and they're forced to run under Links' chair, "I hate this!"

"Anju, I was wondering," Link started just as a cuccoo flew passed his head, "how exactly do you fit all these cuccoos in your house?"

Anju chuckles, "It works somehow, but it would work a lot better if I wasn't allergic to them."

"You're allergic to them yet you have so many?" Navi asked irritably.

"I just love cuccoos!" Anju squealed with joy, "I would've gotten another one yesterday, but when I went to catch it, it ran off towards the graveyard. Funny thing is it could talk like the rude animals you have, but all _it_ could say was 'monster'."

_I can see why . . ._ they all thought in unison.

"You didn't happen to notice another bird tagging along with it, did you?" Sage asked.

Anju thought for a moment, "I'm not sure, maybe."

A cuccoo came and stole Links' toast while another came and stole his bacon. He sighed, "Well thank you for letting us stay for the night and making us breakfast Anju,"

"That we didn't get to eat." Sage and Linda interrupted.

"But we should probably go. We've got some things to take care of." Link finishes, ignoring Sage and Linda.

"Oh, well that's too bad." Anju said.

After saying their good-byes, the group left and is now standing outside Anju's house with very irritated expressions. The girls look over at Link, "Please stop staring at me like that; I know it's my fault and I'm sorry." Link said miserably.

"Luckily for you I snagged this bottle." Linda said, handing said bottle to Link.

"Thanks." Link said unsatisfied.

"Why?" Navi asked.

"So we can hold things in it." Linda said.

"But you stole it!" Navi yelled.

"It's not like she's going to miss it."

"And in other news, we now have an idea to where Cheyenne and Steph are." Sage said.

"Yeah, the graveyard, but that was yesterday. What if they already left that place?" Link pointed out.

"We'll just have to go and see."

"Yeah, and while we're at it we can go get the sun song." Linda said.

"The sun's song?" Link and Navi ask.

After wandering around Kakariko village, they finally find the entrance to the graveyard. Walking inside the graveyard they notice it's a lot scarier then they imagined. An eerie fog was covering the ground and strange sounds could be heard throughout the graveyard. The graves were unkempt and there was moss growing on a few; some even have old vines growing across them. Luckily for them it was daytime and no monsters would come out, probably.

Walking deeper into the graveyard, they noticed a small shack; Link looks around unnervingly then at his friends. They nod at each other then walk up to the shed and Link hesitantly knocks on the door. They hear cries for help coming from the inside and sounds of a struggle.

"Um . . . maybe no one's home." Linda said.

"Don't be such a pussy! What if that's our friends in there?" Sage yelled.

"Why don't we get that sun song you two were talking about earlier and then come back?" Link asked.

"Great idea Link, you and Navi can go get it while Linda and I investigate this place." Sage said.

"Wait, what? That's not what I meant; I don't even know where it is!" Link argued.

"The very back of the graveyard; it's the grave that has the Triforce symbol in front of it. Play Zelda's lullaby and you should know what to do from there." Sage instructed.

"The _very_ back? But . . . wait, how would _you_ know that?" Link asked.

"Um . . . We heard a rumor about it sometime before we met you. I'm pretty sure it's accurate though. So go get it and leave this place to us."

"What if your friends aren't in there?" Navi asked.

"Then we'll go after you." Sage said with a smile.

Link and Navi look at each other with suspicious expressions before hesitantly walking away, or in Navi's case flying away, in search of the sun song.

"Okay, I'll squeeze under the door and look around. If I need you then I'll open the door for you." Sage said. She looks at Linda and notices she's staring at her funny, "What?"

"I don't know you seem a little different." Linda responded.

"How so?" Sage asks.

"Well, normally you're full of snarky remarks and have a lazy attitude like the rest of us, but now you're being helpful and cheery."

"Because I'm having so much fun! Back home we had nothing to do; we just sit around and do nothing! But here, something different happens almost every hour and I just can't contain myself!" Sage screamed then dove through a hole at the bottom of the door.

Linda turns towards the readers, "Actually, it's because she hasn't eaten anything in almost four days. She gets a little bipolar when that happens."

*With Link and Navi*

It didn't take them very long to get to the grave since Link ran the whole way there, but that was because he thought he was being chased by something.

"She wasn't lying to us." Navi said in disbelief.

"So I play Zelda's lullaby and . . . I think that's it." Link says, not hearing what Navi said. He plays the song and at first it starts to rain, then a bolt of lightning comes down and hits the ground in front of the grave. The lightning threw Link back a few feet and Navi flies around him frantically.

"Oh my Din! Link, are you okay?" Navi screamed.

"Dance like there's no tomorrow, Dance like you feel no sorrow, Dance naked in a wheelbarrow . . ." Link chants, dazed and confused.

"Get ahold of yourself!" Navi screamed as she bounces off Links' forehead a few times.

Link suddenly sits up and looks around a bit startled, "What happened to me?"

"A bolt of lightning came down and knocked you back." Navi answered.

"Is it gone?"

"Yes?"

"All right then, let's goes!" Link said a little too cheerfully before he walks over to the newly made hole, trips on his own foot and falls in.

"Oh goddesses, help him." Navi said as she follows him in.

Upon entering the creepy grave, Navi sees that Link went on ahead without her. As she continues on she enters a stone room with bones scattered around the place and a steel barred door in between two unlit torches across from her. She also sees Link swinging his sword around recklessly and shouting at a Keese.

"Hey!" Navi screams.

That somehow brought Link back to his senses and he looks around confused, "Where am I?"

"Watch out!" Navi screams again.

Link turns around and is met by an angry Keese. He slices it with his sword, killing it, and turns back to Navi. Before he could ask her what was going on, five more Keese came darting at him. It only took him about ten minutes to kill them all which caused the two torches to be lit and the bars on the door to disappear. He and Navi exchanged glances and go through the door.

On the other side, it was another stone room, but weird green liquid filled a few sections of the ground. The air seemed thick and it was hard to breathe. They could also hear strange groaning sounds echoing throughout the room.

"Link, I sense the green liquid is poison, don't touch it." Navi said.

Link nods and continues forward, going around the green liquid. He spots a strange body shaped creature just standing in one spot and kind of twitching every now and then. He notices that its skin seems to be decaying and can almost see bones poking through.

"Navi, what is that thing?" Link asks. The sound of Links' voice catches the creatures' attention and it slowly turns its head towards him. Its empty eye sockets begin to glow a hazy red as its body begins to move. Just then, a high pitched scream pierces the air and Link is frozen stiff. He could only watch in terror as the creature slowly brings itself towards him.

*With Sage and Linda*

Linda's still sitting outside the door waiting for Sage or someone to open it. Another five minutes roll by and she decides to try and open the door herself. Just as she's about to jump at the door knob, Sage pokes her head out from under the door. She struggles to get the rest of herself out but somehow manages to. Then Linda notices a light green bird head poking out from where Sage just came out of.

"Cheyenne!" Linda screamed with joy. After Cheyenne squeezes herself out from under the door, Linda gives her a big raccoon hug, "I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too! You have no idea how much shit we went through after we got separated!" Cheyenne cried.

"Guys, you might not want to be standing too close to the door." Sage suggested.

"Oh yeah, RUN!" Cheyenne yelled.

They got out of the way just in time when the door suddenly burst open and an ugly old man wearing brown overalls is trying to catch a duck.

"Hurry Stephanie!" Sage yelled as they're all running from the old guy. Steph flies after her friends as the old man, Dampe the grave keeper, swings a fist in rage and yells after them.

"I'LL GET YOU ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, NOBODY GETS AWAY FROM DAMPE!" He screamed.

"And yet we just did." Sage said with a smirk.

When they reach the grave where Link is, they decide to just wait for him to come out instead of going in after him. So they just sit around the Triforce symbol to wait and rest a little.

"What have you guys been doing this whole time?" Linda asked Steph and Cheyenne.

"After we got separated, Cheyenne and I just roamed around aimlessly until we found a village." Steph started.

"But then some big, scary, red creature started chasing Stephanie so we came here to hide. Unfortunately we were caught by that Dampe guy and that's where we've been ever since." Cheyenne finished.

"Sounds rough." Sage said.

"Rough? It's worse than that! He was going to cook me for dinner!" Steph cried.

"It was only a matter of time." Linda said.

"Shut up you!" Steph shouted.

"Can we go now; this place gives me the creeps." Cheyenne said.

"We're waiting for Link." Sage said.

"Link?" Cheyenne and Steph asked.

"Oh yeah, you two have never played this game before, have you?" Sage asked.

"We're in a game?" Steph asked.

"Eh . . . Something like that, I guess." Sage replied.

"What do you mean?" Cheyenne and Steph asked.

"We don't know how we got here, and we don't know how we can get back." Sage said.

"Are you serious?" Steph said in disappointment.

"Look, we'll be fine; we just have to stick together. I think if we can save Kayla there might be a chance we can get back home." Sage said.

"What makes you say that?" Linda asks.

"Remember that story Zelda told us; the one about the traveler and the cow?" They all nodded, "She also said that Kayla has the same aura as that powerful cow. If she has the same aura then there might be a chance that she has the same power as the cow." Sage explains.

"Right, so you're saying we can use Kayla's cow power to get us back home?" Cheyenne asks skeptically.

"Exactly." Sage said.

The other three burst out laughing, irritating Sage.

"Shut the hell up! I'm being serious!" Sage screamed.

"Oh come on Sage! Kayla doesn't have any powers!" Linda said.

"But that's all we have to go on! Do _you_ guys have any idea how to get back home?" Sage argued.

"No." They said in unison.

"I didn't think so."

"What if your plan doesn't work; what'll we do then?" Cheyenne asks.

"Try to find another way home, what else?" Sage replied.

They all sit in silence for a few minutes until they hear some shuffling and grunting. They look towards the grave and see an injured Link climbing out of the hole.

"Link!" Sage and Linda yell.

* * *

**Sorry if this chapter seems kind of rushed(?), maybe it's just me that thinks that. oh well! I'll see you next chapter! **

**oh yeah, editor you're unfired! **

**SO GET EDITING!**


	6. Ch 6: Bomb Brothers

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL US ABOUT THOSE DEAD CREATURES!" Navi screamed, turning a light shade of red.

Our heroes were still outside the grave where you get the sun song. Cheyenne and Stephanie were sitting around the Triforce symbol, just staring blankly at the talking firefly known as Navi. Sage and Linda were trying their best to tolerate Navi complaining while Link was lying on the floor almost dead.

"You honestly went into a grave not expecting to see _dead_ things?" Sage asked irritably.

"I WASN'T EXPECTING THEM TO ATTACK US!" Navi screamed.

"Well, maybe you should have thought of that before going in there." Linda said.

"YOU WERE THE ONES THAT WANTED US TO GO GET THAT DAMN SONG!"

"Speaking of which, did you get it?" Sage asked.

"YES, NO THANKS TO YOU!"

"Okay first of all, I told you where it was so _that_ is something you should thank me for and second, stop shouting so much because you'll eventually get an ulcer." Sage stated.

"And then we'd have to kill you." Linda added.

"Guys . . ." Link coughed, "if you haven't noticed . . . I need medical attention."

"Oh yeah, Links' health should be our first priority." Navi stated rather calmly.

"Sure as hell didn't seem like it a second ago." Linda muttered.

"I think the only medical attention you're going to get in Kakariko is a red potion from the potion shop." Sage said.

"What about the fairy fountain in one of these graves?" Linda suggested.

"We'll need bombs to get to it though." Sage stated.

"But if we find a crack in the wall big enough for you to fit in we could just have you bring a fairy to Link." Linda said.

"That's true." Sage agreed.

"What are you two morons talking about?" Navi asked.

"You'll see when we get there." Sage and Linda said.

Our furry friends and Navi drag Link around the graveyard for almost thirty minutes until they finally come to the grave they were looking for.

"How do you know this is the right one?" Sage asked Linda.

"Because it's the only one that has these three flower things in front of it." Linda answered.

"But in the game there were some other graves that had flowers in front of them too." Sage pointed out.

"Just shut up and push the grave." Linda commanded.

After another ten minutes they finally moved the grave off the hole in the ground. After some protests from Navi, Cheyenne and Stephanie they were jumping down the hole one by one. Inside, the walls and ceiling were just dirt and rock, but the ground was stone and even had a few steps leading to an unopened treasure chest. Sage and Linda run pass the chest and inspect the wall behind it.

"What are you doing?" Navi asked irritably. Cheyenne and Stephanie help Link to the stone steps and help him sit down, "There's nothing but a chest in here; we need to get Link back to the village!"

Sage and Linda ignore Navi and keep searching for a crack in the wall. When they find one, Sage squirms her way through then Linda shoves the empty bottle she took from Anju inside and pushes it as far as she can. On the other side, Sage pulls the bottle out of the hole and rolls it to the fairy fountain. Upon entering the fairy fountain, she hears singing and squeaky laughter. The fairies are flying around and singing the "Great Fairy Fountain" tune while laughing and playing. When they notice Sage they scream with disgust and hide from the strange rat.

Sage sighs in annoyance, "Guess I should've saw this coming." She pops the cork out of the bottle and places the bottle beside her.

"I think fairies are nothing but pieces of shit! They're all annoying and they smell bad too! If I had a dime for every time a fairy said something intelligent, I'd have a total of negative one dimes! In Peter Pan, I was hoping Wendy would've stayed a nonbeliever so Tinkerbell _didn't_ live! And you know what? That so called _Great_ fairy of yours is nothing but a cheap, slutty, vine wearing, nappy headed HOE!"

Just then, all of the fairies came out of hiding and charged at Sage. She grabbed the bottle and held on tight. One fairy, who was unfortunately faster and dumber than the others, didn't notice Sage holding the bottle and flew right in to it with amazing speed; causing Sage and her to fly back a few feet. Sage, who landed on her back, popped the cork back on the bottle with the fairy inside and ran for her life as the other fairies charged after her.

*On the other side*

The others have been waiting for a good ten minutes, which gave Cheyenne and Stephanie plenty of time to introduce themselves to Link and Navi. Linda was sitting against the wall next to the hole waiting for Sage to come through, Link was leaning against the unopened chest waiting for something to come heal him, and Navi was talking to Cheyenne and Stephanie waiting for a prince on a horse to come take her away to some fairytale that doesn't piss her off.

"How come you two seem a hell of a lot more polite than those other two idiots?" Navi asked.

"If they knew you they'd act the same; and just so you know, there's no way a prince on a horse would come and save your ass." Linda said.

"Oh shut up! It was the damn authoress who wrote that, not me!" Navi argued.

"Yeah, and I like to stick crackers up my ass just for fun." Linda mocked.

Navi just scowled "I can't believe you were friends with them for almost five years. How did you happen upon these idiots?" She asked Cheyenne and Stephanie.

"Well I met Linda some time in middle school, and believe it or not Sage lives with me." Cheyenne said.

"She _lives_ with you? That means you have to put up with her idiocy all day every day! " Navi shouted with astonishment.

"What's middle school?" Link asked.

"Something you'll never have to worry about." Linda said.

"Well what about you, how do you know them?" Navi asked Stephanie.

"I met them both in middle school. Linda slipped and threw her tray of food at my face, Sage I met while she was arguing with a wall." Stephanie replied.

"Sounds like the beginning of a perfect friendship." Navi said dully.

"More or less." Cheyenne said.

They hear a weird clinking sound and Linda looked at the hole; one end of the bottle was sticking out. She goes to pull it out when the bottle flies out and smashes into her gut with Sage flying through right after it. Linda had the wind knocked out of her while Sage was lying on the floor out of breath.

"What the hell?" Cheyenne said in surprise.

"I," Sage inhales, "got the fairy." She pushes the bottle towards Link. They all give it one last glance before looking back at Sage.

"Again, what the hell?" Cheyenne asked Sage.

"I got the fairy, that's all that matters." Sage responded.

Link grabbed the bottle and twisted off the cork. The fairy reluctantly circled him while groaning and mumbling words of hate about them. Link watched as all the bumps and bruises magically disappeared and when the fairy was done he thanked her. She just flipped them all off and flew away.

"The creatures here are very rude." Stephanie said.

"Trust me, we fairy folk only act that way when offended, I know for a fact that stupid rat had something to do with it." Navi said.

"Hey, Link is healed isn't he?" Sage argued.

"But you-"

"Guys please; we have more important things to do." Link interrupted.

"But since we're here, why don't you open the chest Link?" Linda suggested motioning towards said chest.

"Whatever's inside is not going to attack me, right?" Link asked while extending his arms toward the chest.

"Eh, just depends." Linda said.

"On what?" Link asks suspiciously just seconds away from lifting the top of the chest.

"If you have flesh or not." Linda teased. Link backs away from the chest in a panic.

"There's no monsters in there just open it god damn it!" Sage yelled.

Link lifts the top of the chest and brings out a shiny new Hylian shield. He stares at it, acknowledging its beauty until Navi comes over and ruins it for him.

"Yeah it's a shield, can we go now?" She asks.

"Um, sure." Link says a little disappointed.

"Always a buzz kill." Linda said while rolling her eyes.

They leave the graveyard and wander around Kakariko until they happen upon some sort of restaurant. Since it's been a long while since they've eaten they decide to head in. It wasn't a big restaurant; there were simple wooden tables around the room, some table booths against two walls that were parallel to each other, and a small bar with bar stools at the back of the restaurant. The group sat down at a table booth close to them so the animals could hide underneath. A waitress spots the new customer and goes by to give Link a menu.

"Welcome to Intestinal Payne, can I get you anything to drink?" The waitress asked politely.

Link looks at the waitress questionably before answering, "I'll just have some water."

"All right, I'll be right back." She said as she was walking away.

"Did she just say Intestinal Pain?" Cheyenne asked from under the table.

"I'm afraid so." Sage answered.

"I could care less what the restaurant is called, I'm _starving_." Linda said.

"When are you not?" Navi said irritably.

"Be quiet guys, the waiter's coming." Link muttered loud enough for them to hear.

The waitress sets the glass of water on the table, "The correct term is _waitress_ thank you, and I can see your animal friends under the table; the fluffy raccoon and really white duck gave it away."

"Just because I'm white she thinks I don't blend into the shadows." Steph complained amongst the animals.

"You don't." Sage replied.

Link scratches the back of his head and smiles nervously at the waitress, "Oh, so you noticed?"

"Just so you know it's not fur that makes the raccoon look _fluffy_." Navi commented.

"You calling me fat?" Linda asked irritably.

"I've been calling you fat since day one." Navi responded.

The waitress stares at Navi irritably then looks down at Link, "You're just full of random creatures aren't you?"

"Um . . ." Link started.

"Look, if your friends don't start a riot I honestly don't care what you do with them." She started.

"Oh, well thank-"

"Just know that you'll have to pay for their meals as well and if any damage _is_ done to the restaurant it's coming out of your wallet." The waitress said with a smirk.

"Oh, right." Link said with a nervous smile.

"Four more waters coming up." The waitress said with a smile before she walks off.

"Now that that's settled, give me the menu." Linda said while jumping into the booth next to Link.

"I just thought about it but what if we don't have enough money to pay for the meal?" Link asked.

"I have five rupees." Linda said, pulling said rupees out of her tail.

Link pulls out his wallet and dumps what money he has in there on the table, "twenty-three rupees."

"That doesn't seem too bad. How much does food cost around here?" Navi asked.

They all look at the menu then widen their eyes in disbelief.

"How come all the main course meals on this menu are twenty rupees?" Sage asked irritably.

"Not to mention the main course meals they're serving are only Steak, Pigs' feet, and grilled cuccoo!" Navi screamed.

"That's not true, they also serve salad." Linda pointed out.

"Yeah, but it's for the same price as the meat they're serving! Plus you have to buy dressing separately for five rupees." Cheyenne said.

"And whose idea was it to sell water for three rupees?" Steph asked irritably.

"That damn waitress, she was only okay with serving us animals for our nonexistent money!" Sage said angrily.

"Unfortunately for her, the only thing we'll be able to afford is our waters." Link pointed out.

"Shit! We should've hid better. This is all Linda and Stephanie's fault!" Sage said.

"Blame Stephanie, she's white." Linda said, pointing to Stephanie.

"It's nobody's fault we don't have enough money to eat." Link said with a sigh.

"I hope you're not expecting us to just _give_ you food." The waitress said while holding a tray with glasses of water on it.

"At this rate you won't have to, all we can afford is the water you're setting down on the table." Sage argued.

The waitress looked at Sage in bewilderment, "I've never seen a talking rat before."

"Got a problem with that?" Sage asked, obviously pissed.

"I *hic* got a problem! *hic*"

They all turned the direction the voice was coming from. It was that drunken hobo from the Hyrule castle garden they met a few days ago.

"Hey, it's the crazy drunk hobo guy! What's up _man_?" Linda shouted.

"Sir, please go back to the bar area. The front of the restaurant is for family oriented customers until eight o clock at night." The waitress told the drunk.

"S-it's okay, *hic* my horse is outside." He said, pointing to the front door, "I, I-I, we *hic* want some Cuccoo." He motioned to Link and the animals then sat down across from Link. He rummaged through his pockets then pulled a gold rupee out and dropped it on the table, "Keep the change*hic*." They all just stare at the rupee in amazement.

"Um . . . Cuccoo for everyone it is." The waitress said before taking the gold rupee and running towards the back to the kitchen.

Link was the first to snap out of his reverie, "Sir, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say we're grateful, but we can't accept this."

"Nonsense, *hic* s-it's on me." The drunk replied.

"I know, but it just-" Link started, but the drunk man waved a hand in front of Links' face.

"When I was little *hic* and when I say little, I mean _little_ *hic* diapers and everything. Fell in love with this girl *hic* who was a total bitch, and when I say bitch-"

"You mean she was a total _bitch_?" Navi asked mockingly.

"No *hic* why would you assume I was going to call her a bitch? That's *hic* just rude, so rude. *hic* I was going to call her a mega bitch *hic*" The drunk replied. Navi rolled her eyes, "But anyway, what was I talking about again? *hic*" The drunk continued, sort of.

"Um . . . your mega bitch of a love interest?" Sage suggested.

"Oh, right, right, *hic* so what I mean to say is, just accept the food." The drunk said while waving one hand around.

"Um . . . Sure." Link said not wanting to continue the pointless argument.

"I gotta *hic* get more beer." The drunk said as he staggered out of the booth and headed towards the bar.

"He seems nice." Cheyenne commented.

"One of the nicer drunks I've ever met." Steph said.

"I think he's an idiot." Navi Said.

They suddenly hear a loud whistle in the distance and a whole swarm of soldiers come and dog pile on the drunken hobo.

"I'll turn your babies into cockroaches!" The drunken hobo screamed.

"This seems all too familiar." Linda said.

"Yeah . . ." Sage and Link agreed.

"Okay critters, here's your food." The waitress says as she places a plate in front of Link then throws the rest under the table.

"Hey!" The animals said in disapproval.

"If my boss sees a bunch of animals eating at this restaurant I'll lose my job and you'll be kicked out! Just be happy you have something. Now don't leave a mess!" The waitress says before walking away.

"She's paid a gold rupee and _this_ is the service we get?" Sage complained.

"Sorry guys." Link said while cutting into his freshly made cuccoo.

"Easy for you to say." Cheyenne said irritably.

"I'm fine with it." Linda said while picking off a cuccoo leg and nibbling on it.

"I'm not eating this." Stephanie said with disgust.

"Why, afraid you'll become a cannibal?" Linda asked.

"I'm a duck not a chicken!" Stephanie yelled.

"The correct term is cuccoo." Linda corrected after licking her fingers.

"Whatever it is I'm not eating it off the floor!"

"I say we get that gold rupee back." Sage suggested while nibbling on a piece of cuccoo.

"Just shut up and eat already!" Navi shouted.

After finishing their meal, but leaving a good mess behind for the waitress, our heroes head out in search for clues to where the spiritual stones are; even though Sage and Linda already know where to go. They're walking up a set of stairs when they suddenly hear an explosion and some distraught screams. They all glance at each other before running towards the direction the sound came from. When they get there they see three muscular men arguing with a soldier in front of a pile of stone and metal rubble. Within the three men, one had a buzz cut, another had a mullet, and the last had a small curly fro.

"How could you blow up the gate, what if those monsters come down from the mountain and attack the village people?" The angry Soldier screamed.

The muscular man with the buzz cut put his hands up in defense with a smirk on his face, "Look pal, one of my buddies here didn't have a good grip on our cargo and dropped some of it, that's all." He replied.

"And is your _buddy_ going to fix this gate before the village is attacked, and what in the world are you doing with bombs around civilians?" the soldier argued.

"Yeah, we'll tell you later pal, we've got urgent business to do." The man said as he and his buddies waved good bye and headed up Death Mountain trail with a big brown bag slung over each of their shoulders.

"Link, I think if we follow those guys up the trail we'll find what we're looking for." Linda said.

"What makes you say that?" Link asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Raccoon senses." She responded with a smile.

"Well alright then, I guess."

"Link, don't just go along with whatever these stupid animals say!" Navi argued.

"I resent that." Stephanie said.

"It's not like we have anything else to go on." Link pointed out and Navi sighed.

The group sneaks passed the soldier kicking and shouting at the rubble he's standing in and runs after those three muscular men. When the group catches up to them they're finishing off one of those Tektite creatures with a small bomb and laughing hysterically.

"Um . . . Hello!" Link shouted, running up to them.

The three men turn towards Link and frown, "What's a little brat like you doing wandering around Death Mountain?" The buzz cut guy who was speaking to the soldier earlier asked.

"We were hoping you could tell us about the spiritual stones; if you knew anything about them that is." Link said as politely as possible.

"First of all, who's _we_?" The muscular man with the mullet asked.

"Um . . . My friends and Me." Link said, motioning towards his furry friends on the ground.

The three men look down at Links' companions and burst out laughing.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Buzz cut guy said.

"This kid's got himself some little woodland friends!" Mullet man laughed.

"Next you're going to tell me that you're on some kind of quest to save Hyrule!" Buzz cut guy said and the three men laugh louder.

"And what if he is?" Linda asked irritably.

"It talks!" Buzz cut guy laughed. By this time the three men were on the floor with tears in their eyes.

Navi scowls, "Let's just keep going ahead, these bastards aren't going to help us."

"For once, I agree with you." Sage said.

Our heroes step around the laughing men and head up the trail with a scowl. It was when they passed the blocked Dodongo's cavern that they heard the three men shouting to grab their attention again.

"Those bastards don't know when to give up, do they?" Cheyenne scoffed.

"Most assholes don't." Linda replied.

"Maybe they'll actually help us this time." Link said.

"I'm not sure I want their help." Navi said.

"Me neither." The animals said in unison.

"Why'd you guys run off like that?" Mullet guy asked as they caught up to our heroes.

"Because you guys are assholes!" The girls shouted.

Buzz cut guy raised his hands in defense again, "Calm down now, we didn't mean any harm; it was just a joke."

"Didn't sound like a joke to me" Stephanie muttered.

Buzz cut guy smirks, "Well let me introduce you to the gang, I'm Damian; this is my brother Ted," motions to curly fro guy, "and my cousin Ralph." Motions to mullet guy and they both wave hello, "we call ourselves the 'Bomb Brothers'."

"What business do you bomb brothers have here?" Navi asked.

"Before we answer that, I think it's only polite to introduce yourselves as well." Damian said and Navi huffed.

"I'm Link and this is my fairy, Navi." Link said while nodding towards Navi.

"Yeah, hi." Navi muttered.

"These are the animals I'm helping." Link said while motioning to said animals.

"I'm Linda, kiss my ass."

"Stephanie, my friends call me Steph, but I prefer _you_ to call me 'Miss Stephanie'."

"Sage, and I prefer you not call me at all."

"I'm Cheyenne . . . Sorry, my introduction's kind of lame."

"Lovely friends you got here." Damian said unenthusiastically.

"Are you going to answer my question now?" Navi asked.

"Oh yeah, Um . . . we were sent here by a client who we're not allowed to name." Damian said.

"Why?" Link asked.

"To demolish the Goron civilization living around here." Ralph replied.

"What!" Sage and Linda scream.

"Don't ask, we don't get any information from whoever gives us a job; we just do it and get paid." Damian said.

"You can't demolish the Goron civilization, what if you set off the volcano?" Linda asked.

"That volcano has been inactive for almost fifty years, there's nothing for you to worry about." Ralph said while picking his ear.

"How would you feel if someone demolished _your_ home?" Stephanie asked.

"Look, we'd like to stand here and chat but we've got work to do. Now I remember you asking about them spiritual bricks, correct?" Damian asked and Link nodded, "Well I heard that these Goron folk have a little thing that they call the 'Goron's Ruby' and it's a pretty special thing. I also heard that some gruesome red head came here and blocked off their food supply until they handed it over to him."

"Do you know what happened to their food supply?" Link asked.

Damian nodded over to the huge boulder blocking Dodongo's cavern, "Like I said, it was blocked off. I don't know about you, but that sounds like something to look into."

"What's the point if you're just going to demolish their civilization anyway?" Stephanie asked.

"You're the ones asking about the spiral bags, not us. I'm just saying that the Goron's Ruby sounds important and might be what you're looking for." Damian replied.

"Then are you willing to give us a few days to investigate this place before blowing it up?" Sage asked.

Damian thought for a minute, "Two days is all I'm giving you." he answered.

"If you go back on your word at any minute-" Navi started before Damian cut her off.

"Relax my friend; you can trust the Bomb Brothers," Damian said before outstretching his hand to Link for a handshake, "Let's shake on it."

Link studies Damian's face before reluctantly bringing his hand up and shaking his hand, "Okay, we'll trust you."

"Not completely." The animals muttered.

"Good, now if you keep following this trail you'll eventually reach the Goron city where the Ruby is supposed to be. Talk to their leader, he might help you." Damian instructed.

"All right, and thank you guys." Link said before waving good bye and heading up the trail.

"See you in two days Bomb Brothers." Sage said, eyeing them suspiciously before following the group up the mountain.

"Are you sure we can trust that kid and his pets?" Ralph asked when the group wasn't in hearing distance.

"We'll just have them do the hard work before stepping in and taking the prize for ourselves." Damian responded while pulling out a cigar, "For now, we relax and wait."

* * *

**Another chapter over and done with, HUZZAH! **

**EDITOR GET EDITING!**


	7. Ch 7: Dodongo's Cavern

"Why are we here again?" Stephanie asked for about the fiftieth time.

Linda sighs "Because we need to get Saria's Song." she answered for about the fiftieth time.

*What you missed . . . and what I didn't want to write out in detail*

After getting yelled at by Darunia, the leader of the Goron tribe . . . or whatever, Sage and Linda, the game guides, remember that they need Saria's song. Not only that but they realize they don't have a lot of time to travel across Hyrule and through the lost woods just to get said song. So they decide to go through the secret entrance in Goron City leading to the lost woods. They climbed over the boulders blocking the secret entrance and have been wandering around lost woods for a good thirty minutes now.

*That about sums it up*

They finally come to the maze leading to the Sacred Forest Meadow, but the entrance to the maze was blocked off by metal bars. They go towards the blocked entrance, but then a wolfos digs out from the ground and attacks them. The five girls just stand back and watch as Link fights the beast all by himself.

Navi yawns, "I don't understand, why do we need Saria's song again?" She asks.

"To make that stupid bastard Darunia happy." Sage said in annoyance.

"I thought he didn't want to see our faces ever again." Cheyenne said.

"Yeah, but I'm sure he didn't mean it." Linda said.

"Okay, but I don't want to hear you complaining when he turns you in to a coonskin cap because you decided to play campfire songs." Navi warned.

"Oh that's not nice." Linda said while giving Navi a disappointed look.

They hear the wolfos cry in agony as Link delivers the final blow and watch as it turns to dust. The metal bars disappear and they enter the maze.

"Ptooie!"

"OW!" Link winced and clutched his right ear in pain, "What the hell?"

"Link, watch your mouth!" Navi nagged.

"Like you're one to talk." Sage mumbled to herself.

"It's not my fault, someone threw something at me." Link told Navi.

"More like spit something at you," Linda stated as she pointed towards a nearby deku scrub, "here comes another one!"

"Ptooie!"

"Could it sound anymore gay? I feel like we're being attacked by Richard Simmons dead azaleas here!" Sage shouted. Link brought out his shield then motions for everyone to hide behind him.

"Honestly speaking, I think Richard Simmons is more of a cornflower type." Linda stated.

"Did you say the coast was clear?" Link asked as he poked his head over the shield and unfortunately got pelted in the face with a deku nut, "Ow, son of a bitch!" he cried while rubbing his forehead.

"I'm starting to think we _are_ a bad example for him." Cheyenne said.

"I blame Sage and Linda." Stephanie said.

"Kiss my ass." Linda responded.

"Exactly." Stephanie said.

"I'm more worried about Links' ability to _hear_." Sage said.

Finally one of the deku nuts bounce off Links' shield and hits the deku scrub. It jumps out of its flower thing and runs around like a manic. Our heroes take this opportunity to run pass the crazy creature and continue through the maze. After three similar situations and two bruises later they're finally heading up the stairs to the sacred forest meadow where Saria is. When they get there they see Saria sitting on a tree stump playing her ocarina. She stops playing and looks up at Link as she hears them approach her.

"Link, it's been a while since we last met!" Saria said with excitement.

"It hasn't even been a week." Linda said with a bit of scorn.

Saria looks down at the animals "Oh, I see you've made some new friends."

"Yeah, I'm helping them and they're helping me. As a matter of fact, they told me the song you know would help me a lot." Link responded.

"My song?" Saria asked.

"Yeah, I would really appreciate it if you taught it to me, please." Link said expectantly.

"Well of course I'll teach it to you; you're my best friend after all." Saria said as she brought her ocarina to her lips and started playing her tune. After Link memorizes the tune Saria looks at him with a smile "So are you going to tell me about your adventure so far?"

"Oh, sure! I've got a lot to tell you!" Link started. He continues to tell Saria of his adventures while the others choose to continue in their own world.

"There's something off about those stupid bomb brothers." Sage said.

"You're still going on about that?" Linda asked as she scratched her ear with her hind leg.

"I don't trust them either." Stephanie said.

"You and Navi hardly trust anybody." Linda said, waving off the subject.

"You _don't_ have any suspicions about them?" Cheyenne asked Linda.

"Honestly I don't care, we just need to get the Goron Ruby and we're out of there; no more dealing with bomb brothers." Linda responded.

"But what about the fact that they're going to be bombing Goron city?" Cheyenne asked.

Linda sighs in annoyance "Fine, we'll steal their bombs too . . ."

"You say it like it's _easy_." Sage said skeptically.

"Pushing aside the fact that they're going to destroy a civilization, what if they come back and rob the Goron Ruby from us?" Stephanie asks.

"You saying the Ruby is more important than a whole civilization?" Linda asked.

"The Gorons are _rocks_! How much damage could some bombs do?" Stephanie argued.

"They may be rocks but they have feelings!" Linda said.

"Oh Link that sounds so exciting!" Saria seemed a little more overjoyed than was necessary.

"Considering our time limit, we probably should go." Navi said.

"Oh . . . Well, if you have to. But you have to promise to come back and tell me more okay Link?" Saria said with a hopeful expression.

Link smiled "Of course,"

"And I'm sorry I didn't get to properly introduce myself to you creatures." Saria said to the animals.

"No it's fine; people normally act like we don't exist anyway." Stephanie said.

"Oh, well okay then." Saria said, a little perplexed.

The group said their good-byes and went on their merry way back through the shrubbery maze. Shrubbery sounds weird. When they got back into the lost woods they forgot which direction the secret entrance was.

"I told you we should've left markings to help get us back." Navi nagged.

"I don't remember you saying that." Linda says as she looks over the script for this chapter.

"Forget about the stupid script fatass!" Navi screamed as she knocks the script out of Linda's paws.

"Dumb bitch." Linda muttered.

"Shouldn't you know where to go Navi? I mean, you _were_ born and raised here weren't you?" Cheyenne asked.

"Yes but we weren't allowed to wander the lost woods." Navi said.

"Why?" Stephanie asked.

"Because mother would beat us senseless." Navi replied reminiscing on the _good_ old days.

"Oh sounds lovely." Linda said with a British accent.

"Mmm yes, pour me another cup of tea would you dearie." Sage played along.

"Oh yes, that sounds smashing, pour me some as well." Cheyenne joined in.

"Let's just _go_." Navi said with annoyance.

"Oh Navi, don't be such an arsehole." Sage teased.

"Cor Blimey, I just found me a bogey!" Linda shouted.

"Let's keep going." Link said.

After wandering around for another ten minutes they finally find the way back to Goron city. After climbing over the boulders and walking into the city they hear someone shouting from a distance. They look down at the bottom of the city where that huge ass spinning vase is and see Darunia arguing with the bomb brothers. The group glances around at each other and starts making their way down to the arguing party.

"Be gone vile trash!" Darunia commanded.

"That really hurts my feelings," Damian said pretending to be hurt "aren't we friends?"

"I'd never be friends with the likes of you! Get out of my city and never come back!" Darunia yelled while fiercely pointing to the exit.

"All right, all right, don't get your panties in a twist. We'll leave, but I can't promise you won't see our faces again." Damian said with an evil glint in his eyes as he and his gang turns to leave. As they're heading up one of the many stone staircases in the city they come across our heroes. Damian gives them a mischievous grin as they walk passed them.

"No good son of a bitch." Sage muttered.

By the time the group got down to the bottom of the city Darunia had already gone back into his chambers. Link played "Zelda's Lullaby" in front of the stone door and it opened for them. When they got into Darunia's chamber he was angry and mumbling to himself.

"Um . . . Darunia?" Link spoke, but Darunia was too deep into thought to hear him.

"Just play the song." Navi instructed. Link played the song and before long Darunia snapped out of his reverie and was dancing rather insanely. Every time he stomped the ground would shake and the furniture would move. Our heroes backed away a safe distance from Darunia and waited for his earthquake to subside. After he stopped and was out of breath he looked up at Link and smiled.

"That was a great tune! For some strange reason I feel like I can trust you because of that no name song!" Darunia commented.

"It's actually called Saria's song; my friend-"Link began.

"Take these Bracelets! Earlier you asked for the Goron's Ruby didn't you?" Darunia cut in. He handed Link the Goron bracelets, "Well these should help you open the way to Dodongo's cavern."

"Why are you sending me to Dodongo's cavern?" Link questioned while putting on the bracelets.

Darunia gave Link a stern look "The last few people that came through here looking for our precious Ruby expected me to just hand it over. I didn't give it to them because I knew they were up to no good, but I trust you so I'm making you work for the Ruby." Darunia finished with a smile.

"That's a great way to show you trust someone; make them clean up the bad mans' work." Navi said sarcastically.

"Well someone's gotta do it!" Darunia said with a big grin.

"Why don't you, it is _your_ city!" Navi argued.

"But he can do it so much better." Darunia whined, referring to Link.

"Stop being so lazy and go fight for the sake of your people!" Navi screeched while flying around Darunia's head angrily.

"If you guys eat rocks, can't you just eat whatever's lying around here?" Stephanie asked.

"Don't be ridiculous this is our home why in the world would we eat it!" Darunia explained with a hardy laugh.

"You're technically already cannibals, why be ashamed now?" Sage asked.

"But those rocks aren't alive." Linda said.

"Weren't _you_ the one that said all rocks have feelings and what not?" Sage asked irritably.

"All rocks have feelings!" Darunia stated, "But we all understand that the rest of us need minerals from other rocks to keep us going."

"So, you're okay with eating your own kind?" Link asked in disbelief.

"We're our only source of food, we can't help it." Darunia said. The group looks at Darunia in a disapproving manner.

"I think it's time we go. Thank you for the bracelets and I'll open the cavern for you." Link said while bowing. He was quick to turn and leave, but Darunia stops him.

"Don't forget to kill the monster that lurks inside; It'll eat all our food." He said with another big grin.

Link sighs, "Sure." He replied before leaving Darunias' chamber.

"I can't believe he's making us open that stupid cavern just for the Goron's Ruby." Navi complained.

"At least we'll be getting it." Link reassured.

"Yeah, so quit your bitching." Sage said and Navi just huffed.

By the time the group got outside the sun had already set. Sage and Linda lead Link towards the cliff with the bomb flower that's to the right of the Goron city entrance. When they look down from the cliff they notice the boulder had already been blown up.

"Didn't you say I needed to blow up some boulder or something?" Link asked.

"Yeah, but it looks like someone did your job for you." Sage said.

"Those brothers?" Cheyenne questioned.

"Seems like it." Linda sighed.

They head down the mountain trail until they reach the now accessible Dodongo's cavern. They enter the cavern and walk down a long passageway until they reach a dead end.

"Is this it?" Link asked.

"Bomb that wall." Linda said while pointing to the wall in front of them. Link looks around and sees a bomb flower nearby. He plucks it from the ground, throws it at the wall and backs away. When the wall explodes they wait till the smoke clears up to continue forward. The next room was the size of a high school gymnasium, but with a lot more rocks, lava, and a huge skeleton face. In the center of the room there was a platform with a beamos on it and above it there was a dodongo head. Some bridges were suspended from the ceiling. Surrounding the center platform were three platforms that move up and down; one in front of our friends and the other two on the left and right side. On the left side of the room there was a wall you could bomb and a barred door. On the right side there were two more walls you could bomb and a passageway. There were beamos and bomb flowers on each side.

"It's really hot in here." Stephanie stated.

"That would be because of the lava." Navi pointed out.

"No shit Sherlock." Sage said irritably.

"I was just saying-"

"Something we could easily figure out on our own?" Linda cut Navi off.

"Guys, seriously, I think my face is melting off." Stephanie said.

Link decides to explore a little more while the girls are 'talking' and jumps across the moving platform onto the center platform with the beamos on it. He walks up to the beamos wondering if it knew how to speak.

"Um . . . excuse me; do you know where the monster that lurks around here is?" Link asks. The beamos looks down at Link and glares at him, "If you're busy I'll just come back later or something." Link said nervously. The beamos shuts its eye and Link notices it was lifting itself out of the ground. He backs up as its stumpy legs steady themselves and opens its eye to look at Link again. Link runs away screaming with the beamos close behind.

"Maybe if you weren't such a-" Navi started until she heard Links' cry of terror and turns towards him, "Link!" She screams and flies after them. The animals watch and laugh as Link gets chased around by the beamos. Then a bomb flies over their head and blows up the beamos in one swift movement. They duck and scream then turn towards the entrance where the bomb brothers and all their smug glory are standing.

"You scared the shit out of us assholes!" Sage screamed.

"Oh, sorry didn't mean to hurt your cute little rodent ears." Damian teased.

"Don't you ever get tired of having you around?" Sage asked irritably.

"I quite enjoy my company." Damian replied.

"What are you guys doing here?" Link asked.

"Just came to check out the party."

Link looked at the brothers suspiciously "What party?"

Damian smirks "Your party." He lights something that looks like small rope and the group looks where it leads to. Two rows of bombs lined up from one end of the ceiling to the other.

"What are you doing?" Navi asks as she watches the wick burn shorter.

Damian throws a bomb bag at Link "Bring me the spiritual stone of fire and I'll let you keep that bomb bag."

"What's the point if you're going to blow us up anyway?" Navi screamed. Before anything else could be said the chain of bombs went off. The group drops to the ground and protects their faces. When they look up they notice that the only thing affected by the explosion was the dodongo's eyes. The eyes were like a switch that opened the mouth leading to another part of the cavern.

Damian laughed "Did you really think I was going to kill you? I still need you to get me something."

"I'm not giving the Ruby to you." Link said.

The brothers give Link and his friends an unpleasant look "I didn't go through half of this cavern and get you that bomb bag so you could turn your back on me." Damian said.

"I didn't ask you to." Link pointed out.

"Then you're just in our way." Damian warned. He motions for Ralph and Ted to attack them.

"Run!" Navi instructed.

Our heroes run into the dodongo's mouth and through the door. They barricade the door with as many rocks as they can pick up.

Damian chuckled "Unfortunately for them, I prepared for something like this." He brings out a remote control of some kind and presses the only button on it.

"Damn those good for nothing, douche bag, bomb holding, stupid looking bastards!" Navi screeched.

Lindas' ears perked up "Do you hear that?"

The group stopped and listened for whatever Linda was hearing. Before anyone could say anything, the ground exploded! Cheyenne and Linda blew through the door they just came through while the others were blown further into the dungeon.

*Cheyenne and Linda*

They were lying on the ground inside the dodongo's mouth covered in soot. Linda lifts herself off the ground and coughs up some smoke. Cheyenne fluffs out her feathers and shakes the soot off.

"What the hell!" Cheyenne yelled.

"Those damn brothers and their cousin." Linda coughed.

"You rang?" Damian teased. Cheyenne and Linda glare up at them.

"Why you always gotta cramp my style?" Linda shouted.

"Oh I'm so sorry." Damian said sarcastically.

Cheyenne looks towards the door and notices that a pile of rubble was blocking the way back to their friends "Did we seriously just get separated from everyone again . . ." She sighed.

Linda looks towards the damage "Shit! Couldn't you guys have at least put me with Link?"

"What, you got a problem with being stuck with me?" Cheyenne asked, offended.

"Hey! Being stuck in your favorite video game is a once in a lifetime chance that's supposedly impossible; and being stuck in your favorite video game with the man you dream about every night is a dream come true, so don't start with me!" Linda argued.

"Fine, I'll let you stay in your little fantasy world while you're here, but just know that when we get back home I'm kicking your ass for picking a video game character over your friend." Cheyenne said.

"Eh, I'll live." Linda shrugged.

"You guys have some serious friendship problems." Ted said.

"It's not that bad." Cheyenne said while rolling her eyes.

"I like watching Links' ass while he walks." Linda stated.

"She's the one with the problem." Cheyenne motioned towards Linda.

The bomb brothers nod in agreement.

"I think there's more to your problem then just her being an idiot." Ralph said with his deep voice.

"Holy shit you can talk!" Cheyenne and Linda said.

"Pushing that aside, why don't you tell me what's really bothering you?" Ralph said sincerely. Cheyenne and Linda glance at each other questionably.

"Are you some kind of psychiatrist or something?" Cheyenne asked.

"No, he just likes being nosy; that's why Ted and I asked him not to talk when around other people." Damian said.

*The other four zeroes*

They have been fighting a pair of lizalfos ever since the explosion separated them from Cheyenne and Linda. But they weren't in the lava filled room where you would normally fight the lizalfos; they were in the room outside the boss' lair. Link took the chance to test out his new Hylian shield; he found it difficult to hold up so he just ducked every time one of the lizalfos took a swipe at him. Of course the girls just sat back and watched Link overcome a life or death trial.

"How do you think Chey and Linda are doing?" Sage asked boringly while scratching her armpit. Link finishes one of the lizalfos with a horizontal slash and readies himself for the next one.

"I'm sure they're fine, you and Linda know this game like the back of your hands." Stephanie replied.

"Yeah, but these lizard monsters aren't supposed to be in this room." Sage pointed out.

"What do you mean?" Stephanie asked.

"That's just it; they're not supposed to be in here." Sage said.

"I'm sure-" Stephanie spoke until Navi cut in.

"Why don't you guys get off your asses and help Link every once in a while?" Sage and Stephanie look towards Link as he performs a jump attack on the lizalfos.

"I think he's doing just fine." Stephanie said.

"Why don't you go help him, you _are_ his guide." Sage said.

"I've done all I can." Navi said with a huff.

"Go target the lizard thing for him or something." Sage said. Link finishes off the lizalfos and watches it disappear before turning to his friends, "I guess we weren't needed." Sage said while smirking at Navi.

"Should we find a way back to Linda and Cheyenne now?" Link asked out of breath.

"Actually, since we're here let's just defeat that King Dodongo thing on the other side of that rock." Sage said while pointing to the rock-made door, "Since they ended up on the other side of the door we came through they can just leave, but unfortunately for us the only way out is that blue light thing that forms after you kill the boss."

"I guess you're right." Link said.

"But what about those brothers?" Stephanie asked.

"I'm sure they can handle themselves." Sage said.

"How do we open the door?" Navi asked.

"You're the guide, you tell us." Sage said.

"Ugh, just tell us." Navi demanded.

"You need to put a block on that switch." Sage instructed while pointing to the switch inside the hole in the middle of the room.

"Where do we get the block?" Link asked.

Sage pointed to the block on top of a nearby ledge "Up there."

"How do we get up there?" Navi asked.

"What you can't think for yourselves?" Sage said irritably.

"Why not go through that passageway?" Stephanie suggested, pointing to the passage.

"That's normally where you would go, but I got an idea; Link, go stand by the ledge where the block is." Sage instructed and Link obeyed, "Alright Steph, let him use you as a stepping stool."

"You're kidding me right? He'd crush me!" Stephanie shouted.

"I didn't think I was _that_ heavy." Link said.

"Just have Navi sprinkle him with her fairy dust and he could fly to it." Stephanie said.

"This isn't Peter Pan." Sage said.

"That's just how fairies work isn't it?" Stephanie asked.

"Not in this world." Sage shook her head, "Just do it."

Stephanie sighed "Fine."

Stephanie got next to Link and when he stepped on her, just as she predicted, she was crushed. Link reached for the ledge, but unfortunately wasn't able to. So for extra height, Sage went behind Stephanie and bit her in the tail. Stephanie yelped and slightly jumped in the air causing Link to fall forward; luckily he was able to grab onto the ledge and pull himself up.

"Why would you do that?" Stephanie shouted.

"It worked, didn't it?" Sage said.

"Don't worry; I know how you feel, her and Linda use me however they please as well." Navi consoled.

"Stop making it sound like we rape you or something." Sage said with disgust.

"I didn't mean it like that!" Navi cried.

"Good, I'd never touch you anyway; too bitter, bitchy and salty." Sage sneered.

"Hey! Back in the forest I'm known for my kindness and beauty!" Navi yelled.

"What beauty? You're just a ball of light! And you wouldn't know kindness if it bit you in the ass!" Sage shouted.

"Look out below!" Link warned them. They looked up, saw the block being pushed over the edge and ran away. Link pulls and pushes the block onto the switch then turns to his friends, "You guys ready to go in?"

"It's not like we have a choice." Sage said.

"All right then, let's go." Link said a little too cheerful. They enter the room and notice there's nothing inside. They all look at Sage expecting her to explain why.

"Oh what, did I not tell you?" Sage asks, feigning surprise. "The boss is a retired stuntwoman from the Gerudo desert who accidentally got her gullible head stuck up her ass and now walks on one hand and foot. She'll come riding on her unicycle any minute now and challenge you to a naïve watermelon eating contest to see who can grow a watermelon tree inside their stomach faster. I suggest you take deep breaths so more oxygen can get inside and make the seed grow faster."

Link listens intently to the information Sage is giving him while Stephanie and Navi just glare at her.

"How many breaths does it take to grow the watermelon completely?" Link asked.

Navi looks at Link shocked "You must be joking! She was lying!"

"Oh." Link said, a little embarrassed.

Sage sighs "It's just too easy." They all glare at her and she rolls her eyes, "Okay, Okay, I'll tell you for real. You see that patch of dirt that looks different from the rest of the ground?" She asks while pointing to said patch of dirt.

Link nods "Yes."

"Well considering you just got a nice new bomb bag, what do you think you have to do to that patch of dirt?" Sage asks like some kind of teacher.

Link thinks for a minute "Bomb it?" He answered reluctantly.

"Now you're thinking! Good job!" Sage commented and Link smiles.

"Stop treating him like he's a five year old!" Navi shouted.

Link places a bomb on the ground and watches as a new hole is made. They jump down and magically land safely into the dodongo's lair. Big lava pit with some ground outlining it and bomb flowers at every corner. Sage looks around, but notices the dodongo isn't where it's supposed to be. The other three gasp in surprise and she turns to see what all the hubbub is about.

Sage looks at it dumbfounded ". . . A retired stuntwoman from the Gerudo desert who accidentally got her head stuck up her ass and now walks on one hand and foot? "She asks. The stuntwoman gives her a thumbs up and she cringes.

Link looks at Sage a little worried "So how many breaths does it take to grow the watermelon completely?"

"Watch out!" Navi shouted.

Link looks back at the stuntwoman and sees her running/wobbling towards him. He panics while stepping back and trips over himself.

"Link, run!" Navi warned from a safe distance.

"Like he hasn't figured that out already." Sage said irritably, also at a safe distance.

Link fumbles trying to get up and when he feels the stuntwoman grab his leg he screams like a little girl and kicks her into the lava pit. They all watch in awe as she screams while her body burns and disintegrates. After she's done dying and the lava pit hardens, the girls give Link a dull look and he gives them an innocent smile. The blue warping thing appears and a heart piece pops up. Link retrieves the heart piece and they all warp to the front of Dodongo's cavern.

"And when I was eight, my dog died from choking on her strange banana toy; and she didn't even _care_!" Linda cried while wiping away her tears.

The group looks toward the cavern and see the bomb brothers with Cheyenne and Linda walking out. Linda was sitting on Ralphs' shoulder crying and telling him her life story while Ralph nodded and listened to every word. Cheyenne was perched on top of Damians' shoulder with a bored look on both their faces.

"Please! Take! These! Stupid! Animals! Back!" Damian begged when he saw Link.

"I don't think I can listen to another word out of this things' mouth" Ted agreed.

"Well now you know what we have to deal with every day." Navi said.

"I don't care what you say," Damian said while grabbing Linda and throwing her at Link, "Take these back, I don't want them!" He swats at Cheyenne and she flies back to her friends.

Out of nowhere, Darunia falls from the sky behind Link causing them all (besides Ralph) to scream.

Darunia laughs "Congratulations!" He pats Link on the back which makes Link fall over, "Thanks to you, my people can eat delicious food again!" he said with a satisfied grin.

"You think what's in there is delicious?" They all (besides Ralph) asked disbelievingly.

Darunia chose to ignore them "From now on you are my sworn brother! No special ceremony, just take what was promised to you."

Darunia gives Link the spiritual stone of fire, or the Goron's Ruby. Damian and his gang had enough of the kid and his friends so he just huffed and accepted defeat.

"Why not go visit the Great Fairy on top of Death Mountain, just follow the trail up and you can't miss it." Darunia suggested excitedly.

"Sure, thanks." Link said.

"Now let's give you a big Goron hug!" Darunia said.

"No thanks, we should probably go." Link said while backing away. He accidentally trips over Stephanie and falls on his back. Darunia stops walking when Link falls over, but Damian pushes him and he topples over a horrified Link.

"Oooh." They all (besides Ralph) said while some of them covered their eyes or clutched their stomach.

* * *

**FINALLY DONE! bleh**

**EDITOR GET EDITING!**


	8. Ch 8: Two many Great Fairies

It was sunrise when our heroes finished Dodongo's cavern and went their separate ways from the dreaded bomb brothers. Now after an hour of bombing boulders and climbing cliffs, they finally made it half way up Death Mountain! They were now running for their lives and avoiding boulders falling from the sky.

"RUN!" Navi screamed, dodging a burning boulder.

"What do you think we're doing dumbass!" Sage yelled as she dodges a boulder.

"OUCH!" Link screamed as a boulder scraped his shoulder.

"We're almost there!" Navi shouted.

They finally got passed the falling boulders, but now face a different problem; climbing the wall to reach the very top. They scowl and mumble words of hate to the wall.

"It's not that bad when you're playing it in a game." Linda wheezed.

"Yeah, but now that we're here in person it's a bitch." Sage said.

"I can't feel my wings!" Stephanie cried.

"I think one of the boulders had eyes and was glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"Will you guys stop complaining and climb up the mountain side already!" Navi ordered.

"Up yours, fairy!" Linda shouted.

Link shoots at the skulltula's that are climbing around the wall with his slingshot and they climb on. Once they reach the top they're greeted by the owl perched on a sign.

"Hello, lunch." The owl said while glaring at them.

"Hi." Link huffed while trying to catch his breath.

"You know, if you need a _ride_" The owl spoke with a glint in his eye, "I'd be happy to oblige."

"That's just sick." Stephanie said with disgust.

"I think that owl's glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"Why are you being so paranoid?" Sage asked Cheyenne and she shrugged nervously.

"You know what; I think we'll take a rain check on that ride down the mountain." Navi said, ignoring the animals.

"Who said I'd be giving you a ride down the mountain?" The owl asked.

The group looks at the owl nervously before scurrying into the small cave next to him. Inside was a fountain of some sort with the Triforce symbol etched into the marble floor in front of it. The water filling the fountain would slightly change colors from time to time. Link stepped on to the Triforce symbol and looked into the fountain.

"What do I do now?" Link asked while sticking his right hand into the fountain.

"Link, don't play in the water! It's sacred!" Navi screamed, flying around Links' face.

"You should've said something earlier." Linda said.

"Why?" Navi asked. She turned to her animal tumors only to find them splashing in the fountain, "OH MY GODDESSES! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Taking a much needed bath." Sage said, rubbing her armpits.

"DUMBASSES! GET OUT OF THERE!" Navi screeched. They all huffed and groaned, but still obeyed and got out of the fountain, "Link do something!"

"Like what?" Link asked.

"Call the Great Fairy!" Navi demanded.

"Um . . ." Link thought for a moment, "Oh Great Fairy, come out come out wherever you are!" he yelled as if she was hiding, but nothing happened.

"Try olly olly oxen free." Stephanie suggested.

"Oh okay, olly olly-" Link started.

"UGH! Why do I have to-" Navi cut in, but stopped and took a deep breath," Okay, Link you need to play Zelda's lullaby where you are standing; that's how you call the Great Fairy."

Link nods and plays the lullaby. When he finishes, a loud screeching laugh echoes throughout the room causing everyone but Navi to cringe and cover their ears.

"Son of a bitch!" Sage shouted.

"What the hell?" Cheyenne said.

Out of nowhere, a pink haired woman only wearing vines flew up from the fountain.

"My Queen." Navi said with a bow; Link followed suit.

"Ugh, these vines are so _itchy_!" The Great Fairy said while frantically scratching her back.

"Pardon me your highness-OH MY!" Navi spoke while the Great Fairy accidentally moved her outfit slightly and uncovered her chest area.

"Oops," The Great Fairy chuckled and adjusted her outfit, "I don't know what I was thinking when I got this damn thing."

"Must've been high." Linda said.

"Why are you dressed like _that_?" Stephanie asked.

The Great Fairy glares at Stephanie "And what exactly is wrong with my dress?"

"More like, what _isn't_ wrong with your dress. Does your mother know you dress like this?" Stephanie asked.

"_Excuse_ me?" The Great Fairy asked with a scowl.

"You're going to have to excuse the animals your highness, they're mentally retarded." Navi said.

"She's wearing Paris Hiltons' wedding dress and you're saying _we're_ retarded!" Stephanie screamed.

"What's wrong with her dress?" Link asked.

"Of course you wouldn't mind what she's wearing." Sage said as more of the Great Fairys' 'dress' unravels.

"Just tell me what you want and leave." The Great Fairy said while moving the vines around.

"Darunia said you would help us if we came to see you." Link said.

"You, sure; them, no way in hell." The Great Fairy said, pointing to the animals.

"That's fine, they're just free loaders." Navi said.

The Great Fairy nods then spreads her arms and legs. Glittery power flies from the Great Fairy to Link "I have given you the ability to do a spin attack; just focus your power into your sword and release-AAHH!" The Great Fairy started, but having her arms and legs spread the way they were caused her vines to slip off. She desperately tries to cover her important parts, but the embarrassment was too much for her and she turned her back to them.

"I think her ass is glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"The sad part is you're probably right." Linda said.

"Might I suggest some Elmer's Glue my lady?" Sage said in her best French waiter voice.

"Or a Moo-Moo." Stephanie said.

"Stop insulting me! One more word from any of you and I'll . . . and I'll hurt you!" The Great Fairy screamed.

"Oh calm down Great Fairy, don't get your panties in a twist." Sage said with a dismissing wave.

"What panties?" Stephanie asked.

"Exactly!" Sage said before laughing hysterically, along with her other animal friends.

"GET!OUT!" The Great Fairy roared. She flew back into the fountain which somehow caused a huge wave to come splashing down on our heroes and carried them out of the cave.

"Who else was expecting that to happen?" Sage asked after shaking the water off. The rest of the animals raised their hands.

"I can't believe you would insult the Great Fairy like that!" Navi screamed.

"Well if she wasn't parading around like that I wouldn't have said anything." Stephanie said.

"And I thought you were going to be one of the good ones." Navi said with a sigh then turns to Cheyenne, "I guess it's all up to you."

"Yeah I wouldn't get your hopes up if I were you." Sage said.

"Why?" Navi asked suspiciously.

"That owl is glaring at me." Cheyenne said. They all look over to the owl.

"Just because my feather pattern makes me look like your dead grandpa doesn't mean I'm glaring at you." The owl grimaced.

"What are you still doing here owl?" Navi asked.

"I'm here to give Link a ride back to Kakariko village." The owl replied.

"Are you going to take the rest of us too?" Linda asked.

"Your fat ass would weigh me down." The owl said.

"Yeah, because my fifteen pounds against Links' ninety-eight pounds makes a big difference." Linda said sarcastically.

"Whether it is fifteen pounds or fifty, you're still a fat ass." The owl said.

"So are you going to give us a ride or what?" Linda asked.

"Fine, but if the load gets too heavy, you're the first one to go." The owl said then flapped his wings and hovered above the sign, "Grab ahold of my talons."

Sage and Linda jumped onto Links' shoulders then Link grabs the owls' talons. The owl flies off with Cheyenne, Stephanie and Navi following close behind. The owl plunged down Death Mountain with amazing speed while our zeroes screamed from fear . . . or maybe it was excitement. When they got down to Kakariko village the owl flew over a house and dropped Link. Unfortunately for Link and his friends the roof of the house was weak so they fell through. Double unfortunately for Link and his friends because the house belonged to Anju and her ocean of cuccos.

Sage, who was hanging from a broken ceiling fan, coughed "That jackass did that on purpose."

"LINK!" Navi screamed as she flew through hole in the roof, "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine thank you." Linda said. Poking her head out of the sea of cuccos and spitting feathers out of her mouth.

"Not you moron, where's Link?" Navi asked while flying around the room.

"Right here," Links' voice cracked. He poked his head out of the sea of cuccos with Linda on top of his head, "Where am I?"

"Take a guess." Cheyenne spoke from the roof.

Link looked up at the hole in the ceiling then at the ocean of cuccos "I think we should leave."

"Shouldn't we tell the person who owns this house that we fell through their roof?" Stephanie asked.

"Steph just so you know, that red monster thing that tried to kidnap you the other day lives here." Linda said.

"Not only that, but we don't have the money to repair this roof." Sage said.

"Let's get out of here! The monster's coming!" Cheyenne screamed.

Stephanie, Cheyenne and Navi help lift Link out of the house and onto the roof while Sage jumps to the roof from the fan. Then Stephanie and Cheyenne come back and fly Linda out. They all climb down the roof and leave the village as fast as they can. As they were climbing down the last few stone steps leading to Kakariko Link realized something.

"Where are we going now?" He asked, looking at the animals.

"Can we go somewhere that has a bath or shower?" Stephanie asked.

"There's a river close by." Link said.

"Ew, do you know how many other critters have probably bathed in that river?" Stephanie said with disgust.

"I resent that." Linda said.

"Do we want to chance meeting another Great Fairy or to Lon Lon ranch?" Sage asked.

"I don't think another Great Fairy is a good idea; I don't want fairy ass glaring at me again." Cheyenne said.

"Lon Lon Ranch here we come!" Linda shouted.

"Why do you have to be so loud in the morning?" Navi asked irritably.

"Is the next spiritual stone at Lon Lon Ranch?" Link asked.

"No, but you can learn a new song and get another bottle." Sage said.

"We need to find the spiritual stones ASAP." Navi said.

"Trust me; you won't be in a hurry to get the next one when you figure out who you have to put up with to get it." Linda said.

"I'm fine with going to the ranch you were talking about." Link said.

Our heroes start heading towards Lon Lon Ranch. By the time they get there its passed noon. When they enter it seemed peaceful; they could hear the clucking of cuccos, the galloping of horses, and . . . screaming?

"YOU'RE NOTHING! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MOTHER ISN'T AROUND!" The random man voice screamed. The group looks at each other before running to a nearby stable. They open the door and run inside to see a small imp-like man wearing a green T-shirt and pink overalls.

"I SHOULD'VE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!" The imp man yelled at a foal.

"What are you doing to that poor baby horse?" Stephanie yelled.

The imp man turned around with surprise etched on his face "Who the hell are you?"

"We're on a 'save the horses' campaign!" Stephanie yelled while waddling towards the imp man.

"Why the hell do you have a talking duck?" Imp man asked.

"Unfortunately, she's not the only one." Navi said.

"I MUST BE LOSING MY MIND! TALKING ANIMALS AND BUGS WHEREVER I TURN! I HAVE TO CLEANSE THIS RANCH BEFORE MORE EVIL SPIRITS ATTACK THIS PLACE!" The imp man shouted as he brought out some incense and started swinging it around.

"Um . . . Maybe we should go." Link suggested.

"I agree." Sage, Cheyenne and Linda said.

"But what about the horse?" Stephanie squawked.

"Looks like he's going to cleanse the thing; its fine." Sage said.

They leave the stable and walk to a house that was right across from it. Once inside, they find Talon sleeping on top of a table and some cuccos pecking at the wood flooring.

"Maybe we should just leave the Ranch completely." Navi suggested, being completely freaked out by all the things she's seen so far.

"No, we need that bottle!" Sage said as she scurries over to Talon, "Wake up jackass!"

"Hold on!" Linda shouted. Everyone watches as she runs over to Talon and digs through his overall pockets.

"You better not do what I think you're doing Linda." Stephanie said.

Linda pulls out a bottle of milk from one of Talons' pockets "This way we won't have to play that stupid game."

"Thieves go to hell." Stephanie said.

"Eh, if you quit acting like Saint Sally, maybe I'll ask for forgiveness later. Let's go!" Linda said before she ran out the door.

The group hears Talon groan, "Must … Kill … Teddy bear tribe … *snore*"

"I think there's something wrong with him." Cheyenne said.

"Just be glad he's not awake." Navi said before shivering from the memories.

"Cheyenne, those cuccos are glaring at you." Sage teased.

"No, I don't think so." Cheyenne said while looking around to see if Sage was right.

"Of course nothing's glaring at you _now_." Sage said.

"Let's go before we lose track of that stupid raccoon." Navi said.

The group nods and heads outside the door where they find Linda waiting. They go passed the house and stable into the big corral where horses are roaming around. In the middle of the corral they find Malon singing to a reddish brown filly, or female baby horse. The group walks up to Malon and the filly runs away. Filly is a funny word to say.

"Wow, Epona really doesn't like you fairy boy! Oh yeah, my dad told me about what happened at the castle and I'm surprised to see you alive! That's amazing! I guess I should thank you for waking up my dad so thank you! What brings you out here to our amazing ranch?" Malon said.

"Um . . . Well-" Link spoke.

"That's an amazing ocarina you got there!" Malon cut in, pointing to Links' ocarina sticking out of his pocket, "Let me teach you a song that might help you bond with my favorite horse, Epona! Hurry up and take your amazing ocarina out! This song I'm going to teach you is ama-"

"Okay we get it just teach him the damn song!" Sage said irritably.

Malon smiles at Link who already had his ocarina on his lips and was waiting patiently for her to begin. She starts singing the melody and halfway through her song Link joins in. After Link finishes the song, Epona trots up to him and nudges him on the shoulder. He smiles and pets Eponas' snout.

"See, she likes you already fairy boy! That's amazing! I have a feeling you two will become great friends! Isn't that amazing? I think it is! When you get older maybe you can come back and give her a test run, I'm sure you both will like that!" Malon giggled.

"I think this horse is glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"You've been saying that ever since we got out of the cavern, so I don't know whether I should take you seriously or not." Navi said.

Epona looked at Cheyenne and walked over to her. Cheyenne froze in place while Epona sniffed her. Then for some reason Epona freaked out and started chasing after Cheyenne. Our friends try to help the screaming Cheyenne, but the horse was too fast!

"Make her stop chasing me!" Cheyenne cried, flying around the corral.

"That's kind of hard considering that horse is the fastest out of all of us!" Sage screamed. Link tripped over himself and fell on top of Sage and Linda, "And the fact that Link has two left feet isn't helping us!"

"Sorry." Link said.

"All is forgiven!" Linda sang from under him.

"Once a sick freak, always a sick freak." Sage said while trying to crawl out from under Links' armpit.

Luckily for Cheyenne, Stephanie was able to catch up to Epona, but unluckily for Stephanie, Epona started chasing after her instead!

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that Epona _hates_ birds! That's why we keep the cuccos as far away from her as possible! Aren't we amazing? It was my idea so I'm more amazing than daddy and Ingo." Malon said.

"That's definitely something we _didn't_ need to know. I mean, you _saw_ those two birds walk up with Link and knew their lives were possibly in danger but who cares, right? That's just _amazing_!" Linda shouted and mocked.

"You guys better fly out of the Ranch if you know what's best for you!" Sage yelled to Cheyenne and Stephanie.

"I knew that horse was glaring at me! Nobody believed me!" Cheyenne cried as she flew out of the Ranch with Stephanie not too far behind.

"Well, thanks for teaching me the song-" Link said after walking back to Malon.

"And this free bottle!" Linda cut in while holding up said bottle.

"But I think we should go." Link finished, ignoring Linda.

"Oh my goodness fairy boy, you can talk!" Malon said in amazement. Link rolled his eyes as Malon kept going on about how amazing random things were. He and the rest of the gang leave the ranch and meet Cheyenne and Stephanie outside by a tree.

"I can't believe that horse wanted to hurt me, even after I made a 'save the horses' campaign!" Stephanie shouted angrily.

"Just so you know, that 'save the horses' campaign was something you made up on the spot and none of us joined it." Sage pointed out.

"Well good, because I would've ended the campaign anyway." Stephanie said.

"Now that we all know you guys _suck_ for bringing us out here, what's our next move?" Navi asked.

"Do we want to go meet the other Great Fairy, since she's closer to us anyway?" Sage asked.

"Not to mention that the sun is going to set soon." Stephanie said.

"So . . . Yes, to another Great Fairy hunt?" Linda asked.

"Unfortunately, yes." Sage said with a sigh.

"Hey! The Great Fairy is a highly sophisticated woman and deserves your respect!" Navi argued.

"She showed us her ass." Linda pointed out.

"And it wasn't a very nice ass." Cheyenne added.

"I'm kind of curious as to when we're going to go after the next spiritual stone." Link said.

"After we get what we need from the Great Fairy we'll go after it." Sage said.

"Do you even know where the next Great Fairy is?" Stephanie asked. Sage and Linda give Stephanie an unpleased look, "Oh yeah, I forgot you guys were experts at this."

"There experts at pissing me off more than anything." Navi said.

"I'm sure they don't mean to." Cheyenne said.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure we do it purposely." Linda said and Sage nodded her head in agreement.

"Little pieces of shit . . ." Navi muttered.

"Quite your bitching and let's go." Sage said.

After several hours of walking over a drawbridge, trudging through Hyrule market, and killing poor defenseless bugs they come to the dirt path that leads to Hyrule castle but are stopped by a line of soldiers.

"None shall pass by the order or the King!" One soldier stated.

"Why?" Link asked.

"Because the King always heightens security at night." The soldier said

"But the sun hasn't completely gone down yet." Stephanie pointed out. Just then, like a bolt of lightning, the sun went _completely_ down!

"Whoa, how'd that happen?" Cheyenne asked.

"We have a cruel authoress, its best that you just get used to it now." Navi said.

"None shall pass by the order of the King!" The group heard another soldier say to a random bystander. They look over and notice it's the woman who lost the button to her shirt . . . From chapter four, you remember!

"Please, I need your help finding my button! It's one of the important ones too, see!" The woman points to the area where the button is missing.

The soldier cringes in disgust "Get away from me you foul beast!" He shouts before poking at her with his spear.

"Ow! Cut it out, that hurts!" The woman screamed.

"After it!" Another soldier commanded. The soldiers do as they're told and chase after the screaming woman.

"I love how there's always a convenient distraction when we need it." Stephanie said.

"Yeah, but let's go before those soldiers come back." Link said.

The group walks down the dirt path leading to Hyrule castle until they come to the cliff with the vines on it. They climb up then walk passed the front gate and jump down to the other side. They keep walking until they come up to the wall that Link needs to bomb to get to the Great Fairy. After the explosion, some soldiers head that way to investigate. Before our friends enter the newly formed cave they hear metal footsteps coming their way.

"How did they hear us?" Linda asked.

"Well, most bombs _are_ pretty loud." Cheyenne said.

"Who goes there?" A soldier accompanied by three others shouted.

"Um . . ." Link stuttered trying to find a good explanation.

"Let's throw Navi at them!" Linda shouted as she jumps to catch Navi.

"Not again you fat lard!" Navi objected. She head butts Linda, knocking her to the ground in front of one of the soldiers.

"Link, you go and see the Great Fairy; we'll distract them." Sage said.

"Okay . . ." Link said hesitantly before running into the cave.

"You say that, but how are we supposed to distract them?" Stephanie asked.

One of the soldiers picks up Linda "You're all going to the dungeon!" He said.

"Sing for you? Okay if you insist!" Linda said a little dazed, ". . . I believe I can fly . . . I got shot by the FBI!"

"Did she really hit her head that hard?" Cheyenne asked.

"I don't know, but let's just go along with it." Stephanie said.

". . . I hit my mama with a chicken wing!" Linda continued, "When she didn't get me burger king!"

"How the hell are we supposed to go along with that?" Cheyenne asked, confused.

The soldier holding Linda holds her mouth shut "Get rid of them!" he shouted.

"OH _HELL_ NO!" The animals shouted before they attacked the soldiers. Cheyenne pecked at the hands of the soldier holding Linda causing him to drop her, Sage crawled her way into one of the soldiers' helmets and started scratching his face, and Stephanie chased the remaining two soldiers while squawking and pecking at their asses.

"I believe I can soar," Linda sang while lying on the ground ignoring what's going on in the background, "I ran in to that open do-o-or! Oh I believe . . . I can fly! I can fly!"

"Call for more men!" The soldier Cheyenne was pecking at screamed.

"It's raining men! Hallelujah it's raining men . . . Amen!" Linda sang.

"You gotta be kidding me! Your head wasn't hit _that_ hard!" Sage yelled while climbing out of the soldiers' helmet.

"I know, but that's what he reminded me of when he called for more men." Linda said.

"Link better hurry, I heard more of them coming!" Stephanie said as she was waddling back from chasing the soldiers away.

"We'll just have to run them out of town!" Linda shouted, leaping at the soldier who was holding her earlier, "Away with ye, metallic shithead!" she yelled while ripping his helmet off and biting his nose. The soldier screamed bloody murder before falling to the ground clutching his nose.

"What the hell did you guys do?" Navi screeched. The animals look towards Link and Navi.

"We distracted them, like I said we would." Sage replied.

"You said you'd distract them, not _kill_ them!" Navi screamed.

"It doesn't look like they're dead." Link stated.

"Just hurt a little." Stephanie said.

They heard more metal footsteps heading their way "Let's go." Link said.

They all run for the exit and ten minutes later they're back in Hyrule market. There was nothing but dogs roaming the streets since it was nighttime.

"The soldiers are probably going to come after us, so finding a place to hide would be best." Link said.

"Great idea, but where are we going to hide?" Navi asked.

"Why don't we ask that guy standing on that balcony if we can stay at his place?" Cheyenne suggested while pointing to the guy. The group looks up at the guy who happens to be looking back at them as well.

"My 'creep' radar is going _ding_." Stephanie said.

"Either way, we need a place to hide and possibly stay the night." Link said.

"I'm with Steph on this one. No way in hell am I staying at some random creeps' house." Sage said.

After some discussion and protests, Link calls out to the man on the balcony and is able to find a place to stay. The man walks back into the building and after a few minutes opens the front door for our friends. They walk inside and notice it's some kind of apartment building. They follow the man up to the second floor and into his room. Besides the balcony, all his room has is a small cot in the corner, a book shelf, and a garbage can.

"Well, make yourselves at home!" The man sang with delight, "But I only have two blankets so your animals are just gonna have to tough it out through the night. It's a good thing it's not winter, right?" he finished with a snort-like laugh.

"You can just have them sleep outside." Navi suggested.

"Oh honey _no_, do you know what the cold air could do to their fur? Just awful!" The man said.

"But you just said it wasn't winter." Navi said.

"That doesn't mean it can't be cold outside dear; now don't argue with me and go to sleep." The man said, playfully throwing a blanket and pillow at Link.

"Um, thank you for letting us stay the night here." Link said while sitting on the ground to take his boots off.

"Oh sweetie, don't think twice about it I'm always happy to help. Now go to sleep before the boogeyman comes to get you; nighty night." The man said, lying down in his cot.

"Good-" Link started but was interrupted by the man snoring.

"You know, I think I might take you up on that offer to sleep outside on the balcony." Sage said, covering her ears.

"Be my guest." Navi said.

"Don't be ridiculous you two, just go to sleep." Link said.

"I'm sure we could if we can tune out the grizzly bear over there; but good night anyway." Stephanie said. After a minute of nobody responding, she realizes that they all have gone to sleep "_Well good night to you too Steph_. Thanks guys you're too kind I hope you have sweet dreams. _Thanks, you too_. Aw, thank you-"

"Steph, stop talking to yourself and go to sleep." Sage said. Stephanie mumbles to herself before keeping quiet and trying to fall asleep.

* * *

**Didn't really know how to end this one so just came up with them staying at some gay guys house... oh well. My EX-editor says I know more about grammatical errors then she does so she's not my editor anymore! But before she became EX-editor, we had a discussion about Stephanie and Cheyenne's character development. So what do you think EX-editor, good so far?**

**ALSO, i had to change the rating on this B because of the Great Fairy, can you believe it?**

**SEE U NEXT CHAPTER!**


	9. Ch 9: Zora, Zora, Tony, Zora

"And bend . . . More . . . More! . . . Come on; put your backs into it!"

Link slowly opens his eyes. He's still sprawled out on the floor with his blanket only covering one of his legs. He looks towards the balcony and sees sunlight coming through the glass. He rubs his eyes while yawning then sits up and looks around the room. The man who let them stay in his apartment last night was now wearing a purple leotard and doing some kind of aerobics with his animal friends.

"Now stretch your arms or wings to the sky and take a deep breath." The man said while stretching and inhaling.

"Why are you making us do this?" Stephanie complained, but went along with his exercises anyway.

"You silly goose, you need to stretch _every_ morning to loosen up your tight muscles and help your blood flow. As long as you live here you must abide by that _very_ important rule; now bend over and touch your toes!" The man said while bending to touch his toes. He notices Link putting on his boots, "Good morning sleepy head! Did you get enough sleep? I got you breakfast!" He pointed to a tray of food near Link.

"Thank you very much!" Link replied with a smile before digging into his plain eggs and ham.

"_Slow down_ little one! You eat as if your living in the streets like some little beggar boy!" The man said.

"Actually Claude, we kind of do live on the streets." Stephanie said.

The man, Claude, gasped "You poor things! Is there anything I can do?"

"Thanks a lot for your concern Claude, but Link has a home in Kokiri forest; he's just adventuring around Hyrule for the time being." Navi explained.

"Oh thank the Goddesses! You had me worried for a second there!" Claude said with relief.

"I think you are the first person to actually care about us." Cheyenne said, a little happy.

"What about Anju?" Link asked with a mouth full of food.

"Okay . . . Uh, I think you are the first person to actually care about us that we actually like." Cheyenne corrected.

"Oh thank you beauty bird!" Claude squealed.

"Beauty bird?" Link asked.

"Oh, that was something we came up with over breakfast; you see, Cheyenne is my beauty bird because she's gorgeous beyond belief, Stephanie is my lucky duck because she hasn't been cooked yet, Sage is my raunchy rat because of the jokes she was telling me this morning," He gave Sage an enticing smile and she winked in return, "and Linda here is my robbing raccoon because of all the things she already has and _will_ steal." Claude explained.

"That sounds interesting." Link said.

"Oh, and we came up with a nickname for you too!" Claude said excitedly.

"That's okay, I don't need one." Link said, afraid to hear what kind of name Claude came up with.

"Lopsided Link!" Claude screamed with delight.

Link looked at Claude with confusion "What?"

"The girls came up with it and I thought it was the cutest name for you." Claude said.

"Okay Claude, it's close to the afternoon and we really should be going." Navi said.

Claude groaned "Now? But we were having so much fun!"

"I know, and I hate to rain on your parade but we have business to tend to." Navi explained.

"Fine . . ." Claude groaned.

"We'll definitely come back to see you Claude." Stephanie reassured.

"You better." Claude wined before giving them all a hug, "By the way! Since you say you're adventuring around Hyrule, why don't you take this extra sleeping bag?" He said before looking under his cot and pulling out a sleeping bag.

"Is that really okay?" Link asked.

"Of course silly; it's not like I'm going to use it any time soon anyway!" Claude said.

"Well thank you very much." Link said with a bow.

"Now you guys better stay safe out there! I don't want to hear about a kid and his animals being slaughtered to death by a rabid Zora or something." Claude said.

"Don't worry about it! If anything, we'd die from heat stroke or something." Linda said.

"Girl please . . . asphyxiation is more like it." Claude joked, causing the animals to laugh while Link and Navi just looked at them with a confused expression.

Link finishes his food then they leave and head out of Hyrule market into Hyrule field. After some discussion on where they should go, Sage and Linda lead everyone towards Zora's river. They follow the river until they reach the owl that's perched on a pillar.

"What's crackin lacki-" Linda started.

"Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for you? You little bastards really think I have time for your little games? I'm a very busy owl with a very busy schedule!" The owl interrupted.

"Doing what, sucking the life out of innocent bystanders?" Sage asked irritably.

"Why are you so mean to us all the time?" Stephanie asked.

"Why are you a dumbass?" The owl scoffed.

"Is there any particular reason why you sat there waiting for us Mr. glaring owl?" Cheyenne asked.

"Yeah, I'm hungry and haven't eaten for almost three days." The owl replied.

"You can't eat us!" Stephanie shouted.

"I like my duck roasted." The owl said while glaring at Stephanie. A bomb suddenly flies at the owl, but he dodges the bomb just in time. The bomb falls to the ground and lands next to a boulder, blowing it up instead. The owl glares at the group, "One of you pecker heads better have a good explanation for this."

"My hand slipped." Linda said.

"Do you think throwing bombs is funny?" The owl interrogated.

"Kind of . . ." Linda admitted.

"You-" The owl spoke.

"Can we just _GO_?" Sage interrupted, "I mean, you claim to not _like_ seeing us, yet you stop to have a conversation with us almost everywhere we go! I think by now you should know that Link doesn't need your _guidance_ anymore! And don't give me that lame ass excuse about you being hungry, I know for a fact that Hyrule has plenty of food for some fat ass bird such as yourself! I'd continue but I think a strand of my fur got into my eye! Someone continue for me!" Sage said while trying to get whatever was in her eye out.

"You're mean and you glare at people too much!" Cheyenne shouted.

"You smell like my grandpa's underwear!" Stephanie shouted.

"I hate you!" Linda shouted.

"I shouldn't have asked for your guys' help." Sage said.

"We're sorry Mr. Owl; we'll try not to bother you anymore." Link said.

"Well, if Link is troubled by all our fighting, then I guess I'll just take my leave." The owl said calmly then flew off.

"Link, I think you need to speak up more; you'd prevent a lot more fights that way." Sage said.

"Well if you guys weren't stupid enough to get into fights in the first place he wouldn't have to apologize on your behalf!" Navi shouted.

"I hear a loud buzzing sound, but I don't know where it's coming from." Sage said, pretending she didn't hear Navi.

"We're sorry Mr. Owl; we'll try not to bother you anymore." Link repeated. Everyone just gave him an odd look, "what? I thought since it stopped the last argument it would stop this one too."

"Surprisingly it did." Sage said.

"Shall we continue then?" Link asked. Everyone nodded.

They keep going, dodging as many Octorok balls as they can, and also managing to flip off the water tektites as they run passed them. They finally reach the area with a series of cliffs they must climb to get to the sleepless waterfall. When they climb up to the Triforce symbol carved in to the ground Link, already knowing the drill, pulls out his Ocarina and plays 'Zelda's lullaby'. They watch as the waterfall begins to split and uncovers an opening. They jump through and continue into Zora's Domain.

"So this is the place where the last spiritual stone is?" Link asked while looking around.

"Well, it's not _in_ here, but it's here." Sage said.

"So after we get this last spiritual stone and take it to the princess, we can go home?" Cheyenne asked.

"Hopefully." Sage answered, "Let's go up those stairs!" She said, trying to change the subject.

"What's up there?" Link asked.

"The Zora king." Linda answered.

They walk up the stairs and find the Zora king sitting on a ledge and staring at a wall. Link looks over at a confused Navi before turning back towards the King, "Um . . . Hello."

"Just ignore him for now and head that way." Sage said, pointing towards a nearby passageway.

"Bath time!" Stephanie said excitedly while jumping in the water; the other animals not too far behind.

Link steps into the water and heads in to the small passageway. When he reaches the end he finds a Zora and the top of a waterfall.

"Want to play the diving game? Only twenty rupees and you can win a nice prize." The Zora said.

"How do you play?" Link asked.

"I'll throw rupees into the water down there and you dive down to retrieve them in a limited amount of time." The Zora explained while pointing down towards the bottom.

Link looks over the edge of the waterfall and his eyes widen "Um . . . is there any other game I can play, Preferably one on land?"

"Don't be scared it's not that bad; and besides, the prize is definitely worth it." The Zora said.

"Well, I guess." Link says before paying the Zora.

"All right, get ready!" The Zora shouted as he threw a couple of rupees over the waterfall, "Get set!"

"Choo Choo! All aboard the animal train!" The animals shouted, swimming in a line starting with Stephanie and ending with Sage.

"Go!" The Zora began, not noticing the animals.

"Come on Link, we're celebrating Cheyenne finding her ears! Come jo-OOOLY SHIT!" Stephanie screamed as she noticed the waterfall. She tried flying out of the water, but the other animals still had ahold of her so she flew into Link who lost his balance and they all fell down screaming. When Link resurfaced, he coughed up water and looked around.

"Are you guys okay?" Cheyenne asked, flying above her friends.

"Didn't you fall with us?" Link asked, not flying above his friends.

"Yeah, but I flew away." Cheyenne said.

Linda burst out of the water and gasped for air "It's Camp Dry Lake all over again!" She shouted, struggling to stay above water.

Link helps Linda stay afloat until Stephanie swims by "Here, grab ahold of my ass!"

"If I didn't feel like I was going to drown I'd push you down right now." Linda said before grabbing Stephanie.

"That's exactly what I said when she rescued me." Sage said; standing on Stephanie's back.

Link suddenly remembered that the game was still going on so he quickly tried to get the rupees. After he got them all, he and his animal friends returned to the top of the waterfall.

"Did I win?" Link asked while wringing out his hat.

The Zora started laughing hysterically "You should've seen the look on your face when you were pushed! Priceless! Then you went and did a belly flop! Oh man! You're killing me!"

Link gives the Zora an unsatisfied look "So do I get the prize or what?"

"Here! Take it!" The Zora laughed then handed a scale over to Link.

"What do I do with it?" Link asked, but the Zora was too busy laughing to hear.

"It helps you breathe under water longer." Linda explained.

"Oh come on! It's not that funny!" Stephanie yelled to the Zora.

"Are you okay Link? You're not hurt or anything, are you?" Navi asked.

"No, I was too wrapped up in the game that I kind of forgot about the pain." Link said.

"I hope you keep that mind set for future reference." Sage said.

"Now that we're done here, let's go see the King." Link said.

"Before that, we got to go get the note in a bottle." Linda pointed out.

"Note in a bottle? Where?" Cheyenne asked.

"Down there." Linda said, pointing to the bottom of Zora's domain. Everyone but Sage gives Linda and unpleased look, "Sorry, but that's where we need to go."

"Can't we go talk to the Zora King without it?" Stephanie whined, not wanting to fall again.

"The faster we get down there and get the bottle, the faster we can go talk to the Zora King." Navi lectured.

"Of course _you_ wouldn't mind, fairies can breathe underwater." Cheyenne said.

"How would you know?" Navi asked skeptically.

"Duh, I've seen Peter Pan." Cheyenne said.

"Who's Peter Pan?" Link asked.

"You guys are the stupidest and most entertaining visitors we've ever had!" The Zora said before he burst out laughing again. The animals look at each other then Linda head-butts him in the gut and the other three push him over the waterfall.

"I can't say I agree with your method of dealing with anger towards others, but . . ." Navi said, not really caring.

"We'll just say it was an accident." Cheyenne said and they all nodded.

After another several minutes of complaining, they finally grew some balls and jumped down the waterfall again. They swam down into the small passageway leading to Lake Hylia. When they got to the other side they swam to the surface and looked around.

"What is this place?" Link asked.

"Lake Hylia." Linda answered.

"Guys, I can't swim very well here." Cheyenne said while struggling to get on top of Stephanie's back.

"I think it was a bad idea for us all to come here." Sage said, already sitting on Stephanie's back.

"Hope you have room for one more!" Linda said as she lifts herself onto Stephanie's back, weighing Stephanie and the other animals down.

Stephanie struggled to stay afloat "I can't swim with all three of you on my back!"

"Sure you can, just try harder." Linda said trying to balance herself on Stephanie.

"Here," Link took Linda off of Stephanie's back, "why don't you guys stay on land while I get that bottle?" He swam to shore with Stephanie behind him and set Linda on land.

"Do you know where it is?" Cheyenne asked.

"I'm guessing it's that clear thing at the bottom of the lake over there." Link points to a clear object underwater.

Sage jumps off of Stephanie's back and shakes herself dry "Looks like you're getting smarter and smarter every day."

"And by the looks of it, you're just getting dumber and dumber." Navi said.

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong young padawan; this morning we figured out the possibility of you being an arrogant ninny is a good ninety-nine point eight percent." Linda mocked with a British accent.

"Yes indeed." Sage agreed.

Navi rolls her eyes "Morons . . ."

"Navi, I can't help but notice that you're angry most of the time." Stephanie said.

"It's just in her blood." Sage said.

"If you honestly can't see why I'm always in a bad mood then you're an idiot." Navi said irritably.

"I think that scarecrow's glaring at me." Cheyenne said. They all turn towards a patch of dirt with a dancing scarecrow in the ground, "It told me it was going to eat my babies and stomp on all of my newly grown squash! When I told it I was thinking of planting some apple trees it said it would burn my house down and shoot my dead husband!" She shouted before breaking down into tears. They all glance at each other then look back at Cheyenne.

"Cheyenne, I think whatever happened to you that caused you to be strangely paranoid and crazy got worse." Stephanie said.

"What kind of drugs are you on and where can I get some?" Linda asked.

"I'm just curious about whether or not you're willing to share your stash with us." Sage said.

"You're all a bunch of idiots." Navi said.

"What, I don't have the money to buy my own." Sage said in defense.

"That's not what I meant!" Navi shouted.

"What do I do with this bottle?" Link asked. They all turn to Link and notice him carrying a bottle with a note inside.

"When did you get that?" Stephanie asked.

"I went after it when you guys were talking." Link replied.

"Great work Link!" Navi chimed.

"Okay great, can we go now?" Cheyenne asked impatiently.

"Oh . . . Sure." Link said, looking over at the other animals as if to ask why Cheyenne was in a strange mood.

"Don't ask." They said in unison.

They swam back through the passageway and went back to Zora's domain. They got out of the water and climbed up the stairs to meet the Zora King. Of course the King was still staring at the wall when they got there so they stepped on to the stone block thing to try and get his attention.

"Mr. King Zora?" Link started, "Uh, we have this bottle with a note inside that we think you should see." But the King ignored him and kept staring at the wall, "Mr. King-"

"Did you know that cuccos can lift up to twice their size?" The Zora King finally spoke in a strange squeaky voice.

"No." Link answered, a little confused.

"Well good cause I just made that up, but it's true that fingernails keep growing even after you die." The King said while looking at his fish hands.

"You don't even _have_ fingernails." Sage said.

"Don't insult him, he's the King." Stephanie whispered.

"He's an idiot." Sage whispered back.

"Why do you think water _quenches_ your thirst? If wood could 'quench' your thirst would you drink it?" The King asked.

"Uh-"Link started.

"Or do Dodongo's pee fire and poop boulders?" The King cut in again.

"Where is everybody getting these drugs that I don't know about?" Linda asked to no one in particular.

"Mr. Zora King, we have some serious business with you. We need to get the spiritual stone of water and we believe it's around here so if you could-"

"I haven't seen my daughter in a really long time." The Zora King cut in once again.

"We can go look for her if you want us to." Link said.

"She _loves_ water, she practically lives in it." The King said.

"But isn't she a fish like you?" Link asked.

"They all fly." The Zora King said before laughing.

"This conversation is getting nowhere!" Sage shouted before grabbing the bottle out of Links' hands and throwing it at the Zora King, "Read the damn note!"

The bottle bounces off the Zora King and lands in the water "You dropped your book; let me get it for you." He starts leaning over, but falls over with a loud splash and rumble of the ground. Our heroes stare at the King with wide eyes before they see the bottle float up to them.

"What do we do now?" Cheyenne asked.

"Well . . . The way we need to go is now open so . . . why not just go?" Sage suggested.

"We can't just leave him here!" Stephanie protested.

"It's not like we can move him!" Sage countered.

"Why don't we go tell someone that he fell? It's not like we did it on purpose." Link said as he bent down to retrieve the bottle.

"But since we were the only ones here when it happened they might blame us." Cheyenne pointed out.

"If we go find his daughter before letting anyone else know; they'll be less likely to blame us. But if there is a chance that they blame us then finding his daughter should lessen the punishment." Linda said.

"So you're seriously thinking of just leaving him here till we get back?" Stephanie asked in disbelief.

"Why not? He's not going anywhere anytime soon." Linda said.

"But that's wrong! How would you like it if someone left your unconscious body lying on the floor?" Stephanie argued.

"I don't think talking sense into these idiots is going to help." Navi said.

"If you want to carry around that fat lard, be my guest." Sage said.

"Okay guys, why don't we just leave him here for now and come back when we have the spiritual stone of water?" Link suggested.

"Yeah I guess that's all right." Stephanie said.

"You need to quit changing your mind." Linda said and Stephanie just shrugs.

"Before we go we need to go catch a fish." Sage said.

"First of all, what for; and second, how are you three steps ahead of all of us?" Navi asked irritably

"Animal senses, duh." Sage replied. Navi glared at her suspiciously.

"Well if you say we need a fish then I'll trust you." Link said. Which pulled at Sage's heart strings a little.

They walk down the stairs and head over to shallow water where some fish are swimming. Linda gives Link a bottle and he tries his hand at scooping up a fish. He slowly steps closer to a fish and swings the bottle as fast as he could, but upon inspecting the bottle he realizes it wasn't a fish.

"Son of a bitch! Damn it all!" Navis' voice sounded muffled from inside the bottle.

Link shook Navi out of the bottle "Sorry Navi."

"I think it would help if you tried scooping down towards the water." Navi said irritably.

"Thanks for the tip." Link said with an apologetic smile.

Thirty minutes later, he's still coming up empty. The animals decided to help him and managed to catch a fish thanks to Stephanie and her fishing instincts. They put the fish in the bottle then head back up the stairs, pass the unconscious Zora King and go through the passageway towards the Zora's fountain. Once outside, they walk up to a small alter where Lord Jabu-Jabu was swimming (?).

"Isn't this the fish-deity Lord Jabu-Jabu?" Navi asked.

"Yup and unfortunately we need to get inside of him." Linda said.

"What?" Everyone but Sage shouted.

"That's where the spiritual stone is." Sage pointed out. They looked at Lord Jabu-Jabu with uneasy expressions, "Quit being pussy's and give him the fish as an offering."

Link reluctantly dropped the fish out of the bottle and moments later they're all being sucked into the monstrous fish. They're now inside Lord Jabu-Jabu's mouth with random deadly bubbles floating around.

"Eeeeew! We're walking in whale spit!" Stephanie cried while looking at her duck feet.

"Not to mention it smells like Gorton's' ass." Sage said while sitting on Linda's back.

"Those bubbles . . . Their glare burns my soul." Cheyenne seethed.

"Has there been a gas leak in Hyrule recently?" Linda asked no one in particular.

"What's that?" Link asked, pointing towards the yellow switch hanging from the roof.

"Hit it with your slingshot and we can go into the next room." Sage replied.

Link did as he was told and they went into the next room which consisted of a small ledge leading to the next door and an electric jelly fish.

Linda looks over the edge "That's a long fall."

"Yes it is." Navi said before pushing Linda over the edge.

"YOU BIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiii-" They heard Linda scream just before a loud splash.

"That's for using me as bait for Talon!" Navi yelled.

"Holy shit! What if she died?" Cheyenne shouted.

"All that's down there is a pool of whale spit, she's fine." Navi said.

"Is this going to be one of those endless cycles of pay backs?" Stephanie asked.

"I hope not, because if I remember correctly Linda and Sage already apologized for the Talon incident." Link said while staring at Navi.

"Don't look at me like that! You know she deserved it!" Navi shouted.

"If you so much as come _near_ me, I'm ripping your wings off." Sage warned Navi before heading towards the next room and the rest of the group following her.

"Wait, are you guys just going to leave Linda down there?" Stephanie asked in disbelief.

"Eh, she'll be fine." Sage said.

"By herself?" Stephanie questioned.

"She knows this place better then all of us, she'll be fine." Sage reassured.

Stephanie sighs in defeat and follows the rest of the group to the next room. This room had some weird pits scattered across the ground and more of those electric jelly fish. When they walked in the room they saw another Zora, but this one was smaller and looked a lot more pissed off.

"Who sent you here? Get out! I hate you! I don't ever want to see your faces again! You're ugly and should've been thrown under a carriage when you were born! We Zora folk don't even _consider_ your kind good enough to eat and we eat bugs for breakfast! Haven't I already told you I hate you? What are you still doing here, Get out!" The Zora shouted. The group just stared at her in bewilderment.

"It's nice to see you too _bitch_." Sage said irritably.

"IT'S THE DEVIL!" Cheyenne screamed before flying under Links' hat.

"We're looking for the spiritual stone of wa-" Link started to speak but was rudely cut off.

"I throw rocks at orphans for fun!" The Zora yelled before turning around and accidentally falling into one of those weird pits.

"And just like that our problems are solved." Stephanie said with a smile.

"Not all of them." Sage said while glaring at Navi.

"We've got to go after her; she might know where the stone is." Link said as he jumped in after the Zora.

"It's a good thing he went after her for _that_ and not her well-being or I'd think he was insane." Sage said.

They jump in after Link and end up in a room with weird platforms and more creatures.

"You stupid dumbasses! I told you I hate you and don't want you here! You think you're good because you rescue a poor defenseless girl but you're not! You're shit! You're a mistake! Your parents-"

"SHUT UP!" Link shouted and everyone turned their attention towards him, "I don't have time to listen to you bitch about someone who isn't a dimwitted fish like you! What I want to know is how the hell your stupid ass got in here and if you know where the spiritual stone of water is!" Link snapped. The Zora stared at Link in surprise while his friends just smile.

"It was an accident," The Zora spoke softly, "at least I think it was, Lord Jabu-Jabu doesn't normally swallow me like that. My name's Ruto by the way, I mean, if you were wondering or something, but yeah. I had spiritual stone with me, but I lost it; we call it the Zora's Sapphire. If you help me look for it I'll give it to you." Ruto explained. Link nodded and headed towards the nearest door, or weird whale opening thing, "Wait!" Ruto called.

"What?" Link asked irritably.

"Can you carry me, I think I would be a great honor for y-" Ruto started.

"Carry yourself." Link said before walking through the door and causing the animals and Navi to snicker.

"Link's really pissed." Stephanie said.

"If Linda could see this she'd flip out." Sage said.

For the most part, it was quiet while they were searching for the spiritual stone. They encountered different monsters that Link killed, went through different rooms and even got a cool new boomerang. They finally come to a room with a platform that had spikes surrounding it and the spiritual stone of water sitting on top.

"That's my stone!" Ruto shouted before jumping on the platform.

"Good, throw it here." Sage said.

"No way in hell! I-" Ruto started, but was interrupted when the platform lifts up to the ceiling.

"What the hell was that?" Navi asked.

"That bitch still has the spiritual stone!" Sage yelled.

"How come that weird whale chunk had spikes around it? Actually, how did it lift itself into the ceiling? I mean, there was no support system or anything and . . . we're inside a whale!" Stephanie said.

"There are just some things you don't question around here." Cheyenne answered.

"EEEEEK! What is this thing?" They heard Ruto scream from above. The platform lowers to the ground again and instead of Ruto, Linda was standing there.

"Did you get the spiritual stone?" Navi asked.

Linda glared at Navi "First you push me over-"

"Yeah that's great, did you get the stone?" Navi interrupted.

"You dumb bitch!" Linda screamed.

"All that matters is you're okay. Now let's go after Ruto." Link said before they all climbed onto the platform.

"Isn't it obvious none of you give a shit?" Linda asked irritably. Sage and Stephanie nod their heads as the platform lifts itself to the ceiling again.

"So where did that fish girl go?" Cheyenne asked.

"After I scratched her eyes out for screaming at me she ran off." Linda said.

"Well that sounds swell." Sage said.

After about thirty minutes they come up to the boss room, but instead of Barinade they find . . . Tony the tiger?

"What the hell is this? First the Gerudo at Dodongo's cavern now tony the tiger?" Sage screamed.

"My name's not Tony, its Phil." Tony the tiger said.

"Stop glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"I only stare at pretty people." Tony the tiger said.

"How the hell are we supposed to kill this thing?" Stephanie asked.

"Go f*ck yourself." Tony the tiger rudely stated.

"Link, kill it!" Linda said.

Link pulls out his boomerang and throws it at Tony-

"MY NAME'S PHIL!"

And throws it at Tony the tiger, hitting him in the face. He screams in agony and steps back, accidentally stepping into a puddle of acid. As his foot begins to burn off he hops to the side and falls into a hole full of hungry alligators. The group looks down the hole and watch as the alligators eat Tony.

"That was easy." Sage said.

"That was horrible . . ." Stephanie said.

A blue ring of light forms in the middle of the room with Ruto inside. They walk up to the ring and Ruto glares at them.

"Don't start your complaining and make room for the rest of us." Link said while stepping inside the light. They're all flashed out and end up on a log in the Zora fountain. Ruto gives Link the spiritual stone of water.

"It's kind of like an engagement ring-" Ruto spoke before she was interrupted.

"You're not marrying him." Linda stated.

"I remember you!" Ruto shouted, almost scared.

"Should we finish where we left off?" Linda smirked and showed her claws.

"Get that thing away from me!" Ruto screamed.

"She's just trying to be friendly." Sage said.

* * *

**For some reason this chapter feels like it took FOREVER! what ever... I didn't really edit this chapter, just skimmed through it, so if you see anything just holler... i guess.. BYE!**


	10. Ch 10: GoodBye Link

Last time on green fluffy long toed feathery hooves adventure book starring Cleopatra and the billiard cats, our friends got out of Lord Jabu-Jabu A-Okay! With a pissed off Link, a dumbass Zora, and four small cuddly animals anything's possible! After they've finished with the fish deity, they decided to go retrieve Farore's Wind from the Great Fairy in Zora's fountain. Unfortunately for lopsided Link and his furry companions, Ruto decided to tag along with her new fiancé.

They were now standing in front of the wall that had the Great Fairy fountain behind it. Link put a bomb by the wall and stepped back. After it exploded and uncovered a huge hole they went inside. It looked like all the other fairy fountain's so I don't think I need to describe it again. Link plays "Zelda's Lullaby" and after a screeching laugh the Great Fairy appears . . . unfortunately she was completely naked!

"OH GROSS!" Stephanie screamed.

"That's disgusting . . ." Cheyenne said.

"They should put up warning signs or something when they decide to send their vines to the cleaners." Sage said.

"What are you little carpet munchers bitching about now?! We Zora folk don't wear clothing either but you never complained about it before! I think clothes are a waste of space and time! I hate clothes _and_ you! You think you're better than anyone else just cause you aren't naked?! Just so you know, you technically are naked you just can't tell because you have fur or feathers! You dumb pieces of shit!" Ruto shouted.

"Why haven't we killed her yet?" Linda asked.

"What's up guys?!" The Great Fairy said while ignoring her guests then leaning forward, bringing her arms up and resting her chin on her hands, "You wouldn't believe the stories my sisters have been telling me about you."

"Oh really; Are they as fabricated as the outfit you're wearing?" Sage asked.

"My sisters never lie, so when they say you're heartless heathens I believe them; and as for me being naked, well let's just say that natural beauty should never be hidden." The Great Fairy replied.

"I think you should make an exception here; especially since you're in the presence of a minor." Stephanie said.

"Make that _five_ minors." Cheyenne added.

"Oh my goddesses stop judging me! Wait a minute, what do you mean five minors, aren't there six of you? Not counting you Navi cause I know you're a big girl now." The Great Fairy said.

"Thank you my Queen." Navi said with a blush.

"I'm eighteen so I'm not a minor. Sage is seventeen and the other two are sixteen." Linda said, pointing to the others as she says their age, "and I think it's pretty obvious Link and fish head are still children."

"I hate you, little fagg-" Ruto started.

"You better shut your mouth before I shove a rock up your ass." Linda interrupted causing Ruto to scowl.

"I still can't believe you're eighteen." The Great Fairy said.

"Well it's hard to tell when I'm an _animal_." Linda said.

"No, it's probably because you have a baby face and looks like you still have a lot of baby fat." The Great Fairy said while looking Linda over.

"I'm going to clip your nipple off with a nail clipper." Linda said irritably.

"Hm? My nipple; why would you want to do that?" The Great Fairy asked while fondling her breasteses.

"Can you just give Link Farore's Wind so we can get the hell out of here?" Sage asked irritably.

The Great Fairy sighs "Fine, I'll give you Farore's Wind! Mostly because I don't want to hear you're constant complaining . . . and I'm getting cold." The Great Fairy spreads her arms and legs then crazy magic flies out of her and heads towards Link, "now be a good boy and use that properly. If you summon Farore's wind you can warp back to any previous spot you've already been, but only if you cast the wind beforehand. Do you understand?" Link nods, "Good, now run along and don't let the bed bugs bite." She smiles before letting out another one of her screeching laughs and disappearing into her fountain.

"Why do I always feel dumber after talking to a fairy?" Sage asks while they walk out of the fairy fountain.

"Oh shut up! You're just naturally dumb!" Navi argued.

"I think you're all just bastard children who need to stop sucking old men for money!" Ruto shouted.

"Where the hell do you come up with this stuff?!" Linda yelled.

"Look Ruto, we have things to do so we have to go. Your father's worried about you so you should go to him." Link said irritably.

"But what about _us_?" Ruto asked while batting her eyelashes.

"I don't even know what that means." Link groaned, "But I guess we can walk you back to Zora's domain." The animals and Navi groan at Links' decision, "Just bear with it." He replied.

They finally head back into Zora's domain where they find a bunch of Zora's trying to pick up the King Zora from the ground.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy." Cheyenne said.

"I think we all did." Sage said while looking at everyone's surprised faces.

"Father!" Ruto screamed in a panic as she ran to the Zora King, "Why the hell do you have to be such a dumbass?! Haven't I already told you that jumping around with your weight would just hurt you?! It's like talking to a damn wall! If you grew a brain then mom would still be around and your kingdom wouldn't be filled with f*cktards!"

"I'm sorry Princess, but the King is dead." One of the Zora's trying to flip the King over said.

Ruto stared at the Zora with disbelief ". . . What?"

"Bet she feels like shit." Sage said low enough to where only the other animals heard.

"Maybe her ego will flatten a little." Cheyenne said.

"When he fell, one of the undigested octorok skeletons punctured his gills and he suffocated to death." The Zora explained. Our friends look at each other with an awkward sense of panic while Ruto crouches next to her father and begins to cry.

"Maybe we should go." Linda suggested.

"You can't be serious; _we're_ the reason why he's dead! We need to take some responsibility!" Stephanie lectured.

"To be fair, Sage is the one that knocked him over." Linda said.

"I didn't knock him over! He bent over to get the bottle that I threw at him!" Sage argued.

"Which is _why_ he fell over, in other words, _you_ killed him." Linda said.

"Before another idiot dies, let me stop you guys where you are and tell you that a whole army of Zora's are hearing everything you're saying." Navi said rather calmly. Sage and Linda look over at the group of Zora's standing around their dead King looking rather pissed at what they're hearing.

"Maybe we _should_ go." Stephanie said, repeating what Linda said not too long ago.

"Do to those bastards what they did to my father! I better not find even one nail clipping from them when you're done!" Ruto screamed.

And in an instant, our heroes were being chased out of Zora's domain. The Zora bunch finally gave up chasing after our zeroes when they passed Zora's River. Luckily, our zeroes were able to get away with only a few scrapes and bruises. Now that they weren't being pursued they could continue on to the castle where they'll give the stones to the Princess.

By the time they got to the castle it was night time and raining. For some reason the drawbridge that usually is pulled up at night was still down. As the group got closer, a white horse with two riders galloped passed them; almost running them over.

"Oh what the hell!" Sage shouted; seeing as she landed in a puddle when jumping out of the horses' way.

"Zelda!" Link shouted when he noticed the two riders were her and her caretaker, Impa.

Zelda looks back at Link before digging in a knapsack she had and throwing something towards him. It flies over his head, hitting Stephanie in the face and knocking her into the moat. Link turns toward Stephanie then notices a black horse galloping towards them, but with only one rider. The rider pulls back the reigns and the horse comes to a stop. The rider looks down at Link and his animal friends only to realize they're giving him a strange look.

"What, is there something on my face?" The rider asks; the group shakes their head, "What is it then? Am I so handsome that you can't keep your eyes off me?" He asks in a smug tone.

"You're a pig . . ." Cheyenne said, bewildered, "and you're riding a horse . . ."

"That's Ganondorf." Link scowled.

"What?!" The animals asked.

"I remember that ugly face; he's the guy Zelda showed me through the window." Link explained.

"For one, I'm not ugly! And two, what are you doing spying on me through a window? What I do in the privacy of my room should be none of your concern!" Ganondorf snorted.

The group hears struggling coming from behind Ganondorf and his horse. They look and see a cow on the ground on its back tied by all four legs with a rope that's attached to the horses' saddle.

"A pig riding a horse that's dragging around a cow, that's not something you see every day." Cheyenne said.

"There's something oddly familiar about that cow." Sage said, eyeing the cow. The cow struggles and makes some noise as if it's trying to communicate, but is restrained from doing so because its mouth is tied shut.

"That's my most prized possession at the moment." Ganondorf began, "it's a legendary animal, and once I get my hands on that princess all of my dreams will come true."

"Legendary animal?" Cheyenne asked.

"You mean Kayla?" Sage asked.

"That girl you were talking to in the garden?" Link asked.

"The one with the coconut bra?" Linda asked. The group gives her an odd look and she shrugs, "You were all asking questions I didn't want to feel left out."

"You guys are a bunch of idiots aren't you?" Ganondorf asked.

"Most of the time they are." Navi answered, referring to the animals.

"I feel sorry for you; only a select few can be as gorgeous and perfect as me." Ganondorf sighed.

"At least we're not an ugly _pig_!" Link shouted.

"Now wait just a second, I am _not_ ugly!" Ganondorf argued, but regained composure and said "There's no need to be jealous little boy I'm sure somewhere in your black heart there is something good about you."

"Please tell your horse to stop glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"No!" Ganondorf shouted then a weird laser beam came out of his nose and hit Link who falls to the ground, "Oops, well, I've got work to do so . . ." He whips his horse and it gallops in the direction that Zelda went.

"He's getting away!" Link shouted, trying to lift himself off the ground.

"There's no point trying to chase him now Link, he's on a horse and we're on foot. But I am curious as to what Zelda threw at us." Navi said.

"What about the cow? I mean, I didn't see it get dragged off with Ganondorf or anything." Cheyenne pointed out.

"That's because while you were talking to him, _we_" Sage said referring to Linda and herself, "chewed through the rope that she was tied up with."

The cow walked over to the group and sat down "Thanks guys, I don't know what I'd do if I was dragged around like that any longer."

"So what's your name cow?" Navi asked.

"Kayla" The cow answered.

"Wait, weren't you _h-uman_ the last time we spoke?" Link asked, vaguely remembering what the animals referred to themselves before they were animals.

"Yeah, but the guy chasing after Zelda is the one who turned me into this." Kayla said.

"We have to go stop him!" Link shouted. They begin to hear strange gurgling and coughing sounds. After looking around they see Stephanie climbing out of the moat.

"Thanks-" Stephanie gasped "for _not_ helping me out of here!" she shouted as she pulled herself out of the moat.

"Oh sorry" Linda said apathetically.

"Did you get whatever Zelda threw at you?" Navi asked.

Stephanie looks at her companions unpleased before throwing an ocarina at them. Link catches it and is suddenly sent somewhere deep in his mind . . . or is it the ocarina? I don't know. He finds himself in an unknown area with Zelda standing in front of him facing the opposite direction.

"By the time you receive this, I will be exactly five miles away from you." Zelda spoke, "I have only one last thing to ask of you; please protect the legendary animal. I was asked to protect her a while back but am no longer able to so like some domineering bitch I leave the responsibility to you and your animal friends. She doesn't like to eat anything green and sometimes smells of cheese but I think you'll get along fine." she turns towards Link, "now I will teach you a song that you must play at the altar in the temple of time."

Zelda teaches Link the Song of Time and wave's good bye as she begins to fade. When Link blinks his eyes he realizes he's right where he was before he went deep into his mind . . . or the ocarina.

"Oh please, Elvis Presley could kick Pikachu's _ass_." Linda said.

"How? Pikachu could use his thunder bolt on him and he'd be dead." Kayla argued.

"He already is." Cheyenne pointed out.

"Not in the Johto region." Linda said.

"What kind of Pokemon game are _you_ playing?" Sage asked.

"How long have I been in that strange place?" Link asked a little confused.

"What strange place?" Navi asked.

"I was in a strange white room with Zelda talking to me." Link replied.

"We don't want to know about your awkward fantasies." Sage said.

"I normally would, but not this time because you said Zelda was in it." Linda said.

"Okay . . ." Link said.

"You shouldn't be having lustful fantasies at your age Link, or at any age for that matter; you'll go to hell." Stephanie lectured.

"It wasn't anything like that!" Link said, blushing.

"Your face says otherwise, you're going to hell for lying." Stephanie said.

"I guess we're all going to hell then." Cheyenne said with a chuckle and after thinking about it the other animals nodded in agreement.

"That means I have front row seating because I keep imagining Links' nipples to look like Hershey's Kisses." Linda admitted. Everyone just gives her an odd look.

"Actually I do too, but it's with Channing Tatum and donuts." Sage said.

"Just ignore them Link, continue on about what you talked about with Zelda." Navi said.

Link thought for a moment "Well, she said I have to protect the legendary animal then taught me a song and said I had to play it at some altar in the temple of time; wherever that is."

"It's in Hyrule market, I can take you there." Kayla said.

"So does that make you the legendary animal?" Navi asked.

"Before I became this cow I was human! How can I be the legendary animal if I was never an animal to begin with?!" Kayla shouted.

"I don't know, but I do sense some strange aura surrounding you." Navi said while eyeing Kayla.

"I've been hearing that a lot," Kayla sighed, "so do you want me to take you to the temple or not?"

They all nod and head into the market. All the townsfolk were in a panic and guards were running around trying to find their lost princess. After weaving through the panicked crowd they reach the temple of time. As Link opens the door they hear a strange thud coming from behind them. They look and see another pig; thinking it was Ganondorf they run into the temple and barricade the door shut.

"Let me in you bastards!" A girly voice shouted from the other side of the door.

"What's the password?!" Linda asked.

"Uh . . . Alakazam?" The girl asked.

"Nope."

"Would you just stop being an idiot for _one_ second?!" Navi shouted to Linda before flying up to the door, "Who is this and what do you want?!"

"Well, my name is Kristen, Kris for short and I came to retrieve that cow you have with you." The girl replied.

"Oh you mean Kayla?" Cheyenne asked.

"You idiot, don't tell her the legendary animal is here!" Navi screamed.

"She probably already knows, and if she didn't before she does now thanks to _your_ big mouth!" Sage said.

"Link, why don't you take your light bulb here and go take care of business at the altar you were talking about earlier; we animals can take care of things here." Linda said and Link nodded hesitantly before he and Navi walked off.

"Tell us what you want with Kayla!" Stephanie demanded.

"Why should I tell you? It's not like you're going to hand her over or anything." Kristen said.

"True" Stephanie said.

"Tell us anyway." Cheyenne said.

"Whatever, it's because my dad told me to." Kristen said with a sigh.

The animals look at each other with confused looks "Who's your dad?" Sage asked.

"If you have the legendary animal then you've already met him, he's also a pig; Ganondorf." Kristen said not interested with their questions.

"Ganondorf had a kid?" Linda asked and the others shrugged.

"Look, I don't think you want me to break down this door and take the cow by force. I'm going to be nice and give you till the count of five." Kristen warned.

Linda leans in closer to the other animals as Kris begins to count "I've got an idea, let's have Steph fly over and dump a bucket of dead fish on Kris's head."

"Where the hell are we supposed to get a bucket of fish?" Sage asked.

"Well I haven't planned that far yet." Linda said.

Sage sighs irritably "I've got a better idea; we run to Link and hide in the sacred realm for seven years."

"That's definitely a plan I can live with." Kayla said.

Suddenly, the temple doors burst open, throwing all of the animals back a few feet. They see Ganondorf walking in with Kristen not too far behind.

"Get the animal, I'll get the boy." Ganondorf commanded Kristen. She nods, scanning the area for Kayla while Ganondorf continues deeper into the temple. As she gets closer to Kayla who's trying to lift herself off the ground the other animals jump up and defend their friend.

Sage starts scratching at Kristen's face while Stephanie pulls her tail; Linda head butts her in the stomach and she falls over Stephanie. While Sage and Cheyenne are scratching or pecking at Kristen's face, Linda looks over towards the back room and sees a blinding light.

"Link pulled out the Master sword!" Linda said a little panicked.

"Is that good?" Stephanie and Kayla asked.

"Our seven years in the sacred realm plan is ruined, we've got to get Kayla away from here." Linda said.

"Where?!" Stephanie asked.

"Claude's house." Linda whispered, "Take her there and hide her as best you can until we come and get you." Stephanie nods and leads Kayla out of the temple. Linda looks to the back room and sees the light starting to diminish.

"Get away from me!" Kristen yells as she swats at Sage and Cheyenne.

"You don't deserve ultimate power!" Sage shouted.

"I'll make sure your eyes come out so you can never glare at anybody ever again!" Cheyenne yelled.

"That's enough!" Ganondorf yelled as all three animals are hit with one of his strange power beams, causing them to scream in pain, "Where is it?!" he demanded. The animals lay limp on the floor, unable to move "I've tried to be a good man to you but my patience is wearing thin. Now tell me where the legendary animal went and I may or may not consider letting you live."

"We told her to go after the Princess," Sage said between breaths, "she's the only one who knows where the Princess went."

"Not much help, but it's a start." Ganondorf says as he walks towards the exit, "Kill them and send some guards after the princess and the cow." He told Kristen and she nodded.

They all watch as Ganondorf leaves the temple then the animals stand up and turn towards Kristen with a smirk. She glares at them but obviously knows the odds are against her.

"I wasn't prepared for your assault earlier, but now that I am I can take on all three of you." Kristen said, not sounding too sure of herself.

*Five minutes later*

Sage, Cheyenne and Linda are hiding in a bush outside the temple of time, watching as Ganondorfs' Stalfos army invades Hyrule market. If you care to know, Kristen is inside the temple tied up with the rope Kayla was tied up with earlier.

"How are we going to sneak the chicken out of the wolf's den?" Cheyenne asked, referring to Kayla. Not taking the chance that someone might be listening.

"Well I haven't planned that far yet." Linda said.

"I'm just glad you came up with a decent plan." Sage said.

"Sure, but how do we know that they even made it that far?" Cheyenne asked.

"We could sneak passed the wolf's den into the hen house." Linda suggested.

"And risk getting caught? Ganondorf probably already told them to look out for us." Sage pointed out.

"These Stalfos can probably patrol the place day _and_ night; we'll be at risk no matter what we do. Besides, we need to get to the hen's house before the whole place is ransacked and the chicken is found and captured." Linda said.

"Linda, you're surprising me with your witty banter." Cheyenne said.

"I know, must be the adrenaline or something." Linda said.

"So are we jumping over rooftops or scurrying through bushes?" Sage asked.

"I'd like to stay on the ground if you don't mind." Linda said.

"I can fly above you guys and warn you if anything's about to happen." Cheyenne said.

"That sounds like a good plan to me." Linda said.

After successfully sneaking around harassing Stalfos and panicking civilians, they make it to Claude's apartment. Once inside, they find Claude running around his room throwing anything and everything in a suitcase.

"Claude!" They shouted happily.

Claude stops what he's doing and turns to his friends with a big smile on his face "Hey bitches!" he runs over and gives them a big hug, "Oh my goddesses! You wouldn't believe the day I'm having!" He says as he continues to pack his belongings, "First some slut in the market takes like ten years to order some fish, then I found out I didn't have enough rupees to buy me lunch and now Hyrule's being taken over by skeletons with swords! I mean, what else could possibly go wrong?!"

"Yeah our day was somewhat similar to that, except for the fish and lunch things." Linda said.

"You wouldn't happen to see Steph and a cow run by here would you?" Sage asked after noticing Claude is the only one here.

"Oh yeah, that cow was _way_ too big to fit in my room so I sent them down the secret passageway in the basement." Claude said.

"What secret passageway?" They all asked.

Claude rolled his eyes "Like I said, the one in the basement; it's an emergency exit for the people living here."

After Claude gets all his things packed they head down to the basement. They had to light a candle when they got down there and it smelled of mold. Claude walks over to a pile of rubbish and moves things around to uncover a trap door in the ground. They lift it up and jump down in to the passageway.

"How the hell did Kayla fit through the trap door?" Sage asked.

"We had to cover her in butter and beat her down with a stick." Claude said, reliving the moment, "it was a sad way to use butter." He said with a sigh.

"I'm sure we could _all_ think of good ways to use butter." Sage said with a smirk.

Claude gasped "Oh you're so bad for even thinking that." He said with a smile.

When they reach the end of the passage, they climb a ladder and open another trap door. They find themselves in the little dirt area next to the building that will become the Poe shop in the future. After carrying Claude's suitcases out of the passageway and checking to see if the coast is clear they run out of Hyrule market. When they get outside they find Stephanie and Kayla sitting on the drawbridge.

"Great hiding place guys." Sage said sarcastically.

"Shut up, we didn't know where to go and we didn't want to get lost." Stephanie said.

"Are we going to wait for Link?" Claude asked.

"Well, let's just say we won't be seeing Link for a _really_ long time." Linda said.

"And where will you guys go?" Claude asked. They all look at each other and shrug, "Well that makes all of us then."

"You don't have a plan either?" Cheyenne asked and Claude shakes his head.

"Do you guys hear that?" Sage asked. They all start to hear strange creaking sounds. They turn their heads and look around to see if anybody else is there with them. Suddenly the drawbridge splits and they all fall into the moat.

"God dammit! Kayla your fat ass broke the bridge!" Sage shouted while holding on to Claude's shirt.

"It couldn't have been just me!" Kayla argued.

"We don't weight around four hundred pounds!" Linda said.

"My clothes!" Claude screamed while going after his suitcase.

* * *

**As promised I posted two chapters PLUS a new cover page for the story. But it's not done yet so i'm just going to put up what i have of the picture thus far. I think that's it...ok bye!**


	11. Ch 11: 5 years

*Year One*

It's been about five months since Link went to the sacred realm and Hyrule market was turned into a redead town. Our animal friends are doing . . . decently well for themselves. They moved into a house with Claude on the west side of Kakariko village; right next to the potion shop that's _not_ run by the old hag. Claude works at a restaurant called "Intestinal Payne"; if you don't remember it refer back to chapter 6. Anyway, while Claude works the animals' clean house, go grocery shopping, or other things; sometimes they hide out in the graveyard when Ganondorfs' lackeys decide to come through the village looking for either Zelda or Kayla. They've even made friends with the cucco patrolling around the village entrance and made a deal with it; they'd run off the villains if the cucco warns them of the villains' arrival.

It's around noon time and the animals are lazing around the house doing nothing. It's not a big house; it just has a small kitchen area, a small living room, one bedroom and a bathroom. I'll let your imagination furnish the house whichever way it wants.

"What time are we going to see Impa?" Stephanie asked while sitting on the living room sofa.

"She said training was canceled today." Sage said.

Oh yeah, about two months after Hyrule market was taken over Impa came to live in Kakariko village. She told them she came back to protect her home town because Zelda was 'hidden' in a place Ganondorf would never find her. She also offered to train them so they can protect Kayla better; which they happily agreed to of course.

"Then what are we going to do today?" Stephanie asked.

"Let's go get something to eat." Linda said.

"Linda, we ate two hours ago." Kayla pointed out.

"I have a fast metabolism." Linda said.

"You can't use that excuse _every_ time." Kayla said.

"Watch me." Linda said, sticking her tongue out.

"Emergency! Emergency!" A voice called out from outside. The animals open the front door only to find a panicking cucco.

"What is it?" Sage asked.

"Some of Ganondorfs' goons snuck into the village and are terrorizing civilians!" The cucco reported with a salute.

"Again?! That's the third time this week!" Sage shouted, "Linda get Kayla to the secret grave, Cheyenne go be their look out, Steph come with me to get those assholes out of here."

"Yes sir!" They all saluted.

"Quit calling me _sir_!" Sage yelled.

The animals run out of the house; Kayla, Linda and Cheyenne going one direction, Sage, Stephanie and the cucco going the other. Kayla, Linda and Cheyenne got to the graveyard pretty quickly without getting seen by any monsters.

"It seems they haven't gone through the whole city yet." Cheyenne whispered as they walked through the graveyard.

"Maybe this time they're not looking for Kayla." Linda said.

"Fat chance at that." Cheyenne replied.

They begin to hear leaves rustling and quickly hide behind a grave; well in Kayla's case, _tried_ to hide behind a grave. Cheyenne peaks over the grave and sees Dampe patrolling the graveyard with a shovel resting on his shoulder.

"It's just Dampe." Cheyenne said with relief and they all come out from hiding.

"Wha-Who's there?" Dampe asked in a panic, "Don't come any closer I have a shovel!" he begins to swing it around violently as our friends start backing away from him.

"Whoa, calm down there buddy! We're not going to hurt you!" Linda shouted.

"That's what they all say! Then before you know it they have me bound, gagged and naked!" Dampe shouted.

"Oh trust me, we don't want you naked." Linda reassured.

"And honestly, I don't see anyone else wanting you naked either." Cheyenne added.

Dampe swings at our friends and they start running away from him. He shouts and chases them around the graveyard while shaking the shovel over his head.

"I'm smarter then you and your ancestors! Unlike them, I keep a secret diary with my most precious secrets!" Dampe shouted.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?!" Linda shouted back.

"The location to my secret weapon is in that diary! But I'll never tell you!" Dampe shouted.

"Damn him, now I want to know where that secret weapon is." Cheyenne said.

"Ugh! My legs can't take it anymore!" Kayla whined as she began to slow down.

"Keep going Kayla, we're almost to the grave!" Cheyenne encouraged.

"Okay I'll tell you!" Dampe shouted.

"Sweet!" Linda said as she skidded to a stop.

"Only if you play-" Was all Dampe got to say before he fell in an open grave. The animals gasped and ran to aid Dampe, but when they looked inside the grave they see Dampe had busted his head on a rock.

"Holy shit . . ." Linda said and the other two nodded.

"Do you think there could be a slight possibility that he's alive?" Kayla asked.

"Not with all that blood," Cheyenne replied, "and I doubt with the lack of technology here there's anything we could do to help."

"What do we do?" Kayla asked. Cheyenne shrugs.

"Is it just me, or does everyone we come in contact with have a tendency to die right in front of our eyes?" Linda asked.

"Only _two_" Cheyenne said irritably.

"So_ far_" Linda pointed out.

"Please don't say stuff like that when we're standing in a graveyard . . ."Kayla whined.

-One week later-

The whole village is back in the graveyard attending Dampes' funeral. Some of the villagers say a few words of respect while he's being buried then they all bow their head in silence at the end.

"I can't believe Dampe would run around the graveyard so recklessly; he _knows_ how dangerous it can be." Claude said as they were walking back home.

"Well he _is_ old and senile." Linda pointed out.

"_Was_" Stephanie corrected.

"What I don't get is _how_ he fell into the grave in the first place." Sage said.

"Um . . . yeah" Cheyenne, Kayla and Linda said as they nervously glanced at each other.

*Year Four*

Life has been dull for our furry friends. Sure there was the occasional monster attack, but nothing more than that. Over the past few years they've become more familiar with their animal bodies; no longer getting irritated with their small size, long tails, walking on all fours or being completely covered with fur or feathers. Life for them seemed to be quite dull.

One afternoon they were at Impa's house just hanging outside, passing time until dinner. Sage and Cheyenne were pulling grass and throwing it around, Stephanie was reading a book, Kayla was eating some hay, and Linda decided to stare at a wall. Impa walks out of the house and looks over at the animals with a displeased look.

"Don't you guys have anything better to do?" Impa asked.

"Like what?" Kayla asked while chewing.

"I don't know, prepare for the Hero of Time's awakening?" Impa suggested.

"Trust me we have time, the Hero of Time won't be waking up for another three years." Sage said.

Impa sighs "Can't you do anything useful then?"

"Actually I have," Stephanie said. She scoots the book she was reading over to Impa, "I remember you telling us about the dark magic that Ganondorf uses so I've been studying it."

"Why?" They all asked.

"Because that dark magic is what turned us into animals." Stephanie replied before flipping through the book, "I figured if I looked hard enough I might find a way to turn us back into humans." She said as she found the page she was looking for.

"Yes, but even if you did find a way it would be useless because performing black magic is forbidden." Impa pointed out.

"The _ruler_ of Hyrule performs black magic; I don't think we have to worry." Cheyenne said.

"Ganondorf made that rule number one when he took over." Impa countered.

"That is why I've been researching a way _without_ using black magic." Stephanie said.

"And what did you find?" Impa asked.

"This," Stephanie replied while showing Impa the book, "It's a potion that can revert things back to their original form."

"Any side effects?" Sage asked.  
Stephanie gives them a nervous smile "Nothing much . . . just that there's a possibility of death or internal bleeding . . . and it's written in bold letters."

"Well there goes that plan." Linda said.

"There has to be a way to make this potion and have it work without the possible side effects, I just have to figure it out." Stephanie said.

"I might know someone who could help." Impa said.

"Really, who?" Stephanie asked.

"The scientist who lives at Lake Hylia." Impa said.

"You know what that means!" Linda chimed.

"Road trip!" Sage shouted.

"We're leaving Kakariko?" Kayla asked; a little scared.

Impa patted Kayla on the head and gave her a reassuring smile "Don't worry Kayla; it is best if you keep moving around and keep the enemy guessing. Even if you do run into trouble you've got your friends with you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Kayla said.

"Take the book with you, consider it a gift." Impa said to Stephanie.

"Thank you!" Stephanie said.

After saying their good byes they headed back home to tell Claude the news. Of course he wasn't particularly happy about it, but he understood their reasons for wanting to go. They were up and ready by dawn the next day and after saying a final good bye to Claude they were on their way. Unfortunately by noon, they were already lost somewhere in Hyrule field.

"I don't get why jelly beans _don't_ taste like beans." Linda said.

"Who would want to eat a candy that tastes like beans?" Kayla asked.

"But the name is misleading-" Linda started.

"I thought you knew where we were going!" They heard Stephanie yell.

"I do, but we must've taken a wrong turn somewhere!" Sage yelled back.

"That means you don't know where you're going!" Stephanie yelled.

"Guys, we passed Lon Lon Ranch about an hour ago. If this map is correct we'll get there in a few hours, just chill out." Cheyenne said.

"And what if we end up in the wrong place?" Stephanie asked.

"We'll just have to figure it out when we get there." Sage replied.

"So why don't they just call them _jelly candies_ or _jelly fruits_?" Linda asked, continuing her conversation with Kayla.

"Not all of the jelly beans taste like fruit and I figure they're called jelly beans because they're shaped like beans." Kayla said.

"Can we change the subject? All this talk about food is making me hungry." Cheyenne said.

Their conversations continued like that for the next several hours. It was close to the evening when they entered a desert area, but because they were too engrossed in their conversations they didn't notice. They finally noticed something was amiss when they were walking over a bridge.

"I know this bridge." Sage stated.

"Yeah, it's the bridge that leads to Gerudo Valley so what?" Linda asked.

"_So what_?!" Sage mocked, "That means we're heading to Gerudo valley not Lake Hylia!"

"So we _were_ going the wrong way!" Stephanie yelled.

"I'm _really_ not in the mood for your complaining right now." Sage warned.

"But you're definitely in the mood to get us lost, right?!" Stephanie yelled.

"_You're_ the one who wanted to go to Lake Hylia so _you_ should be finding the way there, not me!" Sage countered.

"Excuse me for trying to find a way to turn us back into humans! What happened to your 'let's use Kayla's cow powers' idea? I haven't seen that plan take effect since she's been here!" Stephanie yelled.

"I don't know if you've noticed yet, but Kayla obviously doesn't have any powers! How can we use powers that don't even exist?!" Sage yelled back.

"How should I know, you're the Zelda game expert here!" Stephanie yelled.

"Cows with magical powers never existed in the Zelda games! And stop blaming me for everything before I bust a cap in yo ass!" Sage yelled.

"Guys! There's really no point in fighting, let's just turn around and go find the right way." Cheyenne said.

"What are you talking about; don't you know this river-" Linda started to say until they heard a snap.

"What was that?" Kayla asked nervously. She took a step back and the wooden plank she stepped on breaks, causing her hoof to get stuck between the other two boards, "AH! My foot's stuck!" The other animals try and help get Kayla's foot out, but she begins to panic.

"Kayla, it won't do you any good to struggle!" Sage warned. Kayla tries to calm down, but accidently looks down at the debris filled river below and realizes she's too high! She begins to panic again, trying to step back but her other hind leg slips and she falls. Unfortunately this causes the bridge to snap in half and our animal friends begin to plummet into the rapid flowing river below, screaming for their lives.

Cheyenne and Stephanie catch themselves on the wind before hitting the water but the other three weren't so lucky. They flew over the river, looking for any trace of their friends. Finally Kayla resurfaces gasping for air and trying to find anything to keep her above water. Stephanie finds a piece of drift wood and lugs it over to Kayla; placing it under her jaw to help keep her head above water. As Stephanie was helping Kayla, Cheyenne was keeping an eye out for the other two. She found Sage on top of a small branch flowing down stream and went after her.

"I'm fine, go get Linda! She can't swim!" Sage shouted over the waves, pointing to where Linda was. Cheyenne turned that direction and saw Linda barely hanging onto a tree branch that was about to snap off the rest of the tree.

"Linda!" Cheyenne yelled as she flew next to her friend.

"H-help! I can't swim!" Linda shouted, still holding on to the branch for dear life.

"I know!" Cheyenne replied looking for anything else Linda could hold onto.

"I stuck too much food in my ta-il!" Linda cried. The branch snaps and Linda is swept away by the rapid water once again.

"No!" Cheyenne yelled as she flew after Linda.

Ten to fifteen minutes felt like a lifetime for our friends. Keeping Kayla and Linda above water was a tough job for Cheyenne and Stephanie; plus they didn't even know where Sage and her log went. After dodging more debris and falling down a few cascades, they finally made it to land. They didn't even check their surroundings; they just plopped down on the ground gasping for air. Their bodies were aching and they were out of breath.

Linda coughs "I lost ten pounds of food!"

"There's no way you could fit ten pounds of food in your tail." Kayla said.

"Did anyone happen to see Sage on our way over here?" Cheyenne asked.

"Oh you mean while we were fighting for our lives against this animal hating river?" Stephanie asked sarcastically.

"God dammit Kayla, your fat ass broke _another_ bridge!" They heard Sage yell. Kayla was about to yell something back but when they all turned to her they noticed she wasn't alone, "Oh, this is the lake scientist that Impa was talking about."

"I was just taking a nice stroll around the lake when this rat came and asked for my help." The lake scientist said, "Please call me Professor; it makes me seem really smart."

"But you're a scientist." Stephanie pointed out.

"Yes indeed." The Professor said.

"Wow you sound smart already!" Linda said.

"Could you help us Professor? We-" Stephanie spoke.

"Why don't we finish this conversation in my house?" The Professor interrupted, already heading for his house. The group looks at each other, shrugs, and follows the professor to his house.

*Year Five*

Our animal friends have been staying with the professor for over a year now; researching the potion that could possibly turn them back into humans or . . . kill them. Well actually the professor and Stephanie have been researching, the others just hung out; sometimes doing odd jobs for the professor such as grocery shopping or fetching some ingredient for an experimental potion. Not much was accomplished the first couple of months, but they believe they might be on to something good.

One particular day, the freeloaders were out by the shore just hanging out, as usual, when they hear an explosion coming from the professors' house. They go to check out all the commotion, but as they approached the house they see smoke coming out of the chimney and all of the windows. The professor and Stephanie come running out of the house covered in soot and coughing like crazy.

"Dear Goddesses!" The professor shouted, "What a rush!"

"Let's just hope this one is worth it." Stephanie said.

"With our many days and nights of research, there's no way this would be a miss." The professor said while looking at the purple liquid in the small glass bottle he was holding.

"So what's the plan now Professor?" Cheyenne asks as her and the other animals approach them.

"Well, I'll need one of you as the test subject." The professor said. They all looked at Linda.

"What?" Linda asked.

"It's your turn." They all said in unison, remembering all the painful experiences they had with failed experiment potions.

"Wha-really? Already?" Linda asked, almost scared.

"Don't worry; I won't make you drink it at first. Just let me pluck a strand of fur off," The professor explained before grabbing a hair off Linda's tail, "there we go." He then places Linda's hair on a small plate.

"Hey, that didn't even hurt." Linda said happily, "but what are you doing to do with my hair?"

"Simple, when I pour a drop of this potion on the hair it should turn back into what it was before; a piece of your skin, but if it doesn't then it's back to the drawing board." The professor explained.

"Wish you would've thought of that before I went bald for a month." Sage said.

The professor grabs a liquid dropper (I guess that's what they're called) and squeezes a drop of the potion on to Linda's hair. For about five minutes it doesn't do anything, but just when they were about to give up and leave, Linda's hair begins to mutate into something! The professor drops the plate and they all step back, fearing it might be some kind of monster. It grows arms, then legs, then a head! After its transformation is complete, they all stare in awe at the naked figure.

"It's PERFECT!" Linda screamed.

"What the hell just happened?" Sage questioned completely confused.

"I've never been able to successfully form another Hylian being." The professor said while adjusting his glasses.

"Why does he look _exactly_ like Link?" Stephanie asked. The other animals glare at Linda.

"What are you talking about, he looks older." Linda pointed out.

He indeed, looked older than the young Link we were familiar with; about ten years older. I'm going to put him in his mid-twenties with dirty blonde hair, ocean blue eyes, and a nice toned body. . . MMM. OH, and let's put some body oil on him . . . LOVE it!

"How could this Link be in his mid-twenties when the original Link, who you got the hair from, is probably around fifteen now?" Stephanie asked.

"Who cares?" Linda said, mesmerized by the blonde beauty in front of her.

"Wait, why was Links' hair in your tail?" Kayla asked Linda.

"Well, when he was here I used to take the strands of hair that fell from his head and wad them up into pretty balls before storing them in my tail for safe keeping. Honestly I thought they all washed away when we fell into the river." Linda explained then sighed, "I wish the scab I kept was still there though . . ."

"Is _one_ normal friend too much to ask for?" Stephanie rhetorically asked.

"Honestly I'm more worried about how she managed to store everything she talks about in there." Sage stated, looking at Linda's tail.

"In more important matters," The professor spoke, "let's get this man some clothes before he freezes to death." He began to lead the older Link look-a-like to the house.

"You can . . . keep him like that . . . I mean, if you really want to." Linda said.

"Uh, no." the professor said, still leading the Link look-a-like to the house.

"So does this mean the potion works?" Kayla asked.

"Hell yeah it does." Linda said as she watched the Link look-a-like walk into the house; mostly staring at his ass.

"Well, by the reaction Links' hair had to the potion I'd say it does." Stephanie said.

"Great, turn me human!" Sage shouted.

"First we need to examine any possible side effects from the potion." The professor said, walking out of the house.

"He's not going to die, is he?" Linda asked anxiously.

"We'll just have to wait a few days and see." The professor answered.

-Three days later-

Unfortunately, the Link look-a-like was put in some clothes and wore them regularly. He had a moss green tunic with khaki color tights and brown boots to match, I guess. Also, it seemed he didn't know how to speak so the girls helped him form simple words. He also didn't have any of the original Links' memories or fighting skills; even though Link wasn't very skilled to begin with.

The freeloaders plus the Link look-a-like were out by the lake messing around while the professor and Stephanie were in the laboratory doing . . . scientific things.

"His motor skills have improved tremendously," the professor said as he wrote in some kind of science log, "he can feed and clothe himself without assistance. Uh, bathe himself . . . let's see . . . identify objects-"

Stephanie cut in "he can basically do everything a grown man should be able to do . . . besides speak."

"Yes, but no recollection of his original forms' past kind of worries me." The professor said.

"But he _was_ just a strand of hair; not an actual person." Stephanie said while staring at their notes. She suddenly realized something, "If being a strand of hair was his original form, why did he grow a body?" Stephanie asked.

"That's true, if this potion could turn something into its original form, then that strand of hair should've stayed the same. It seems that we made a potion that does the opposite or something." The professor said.

"Another failed attempt then?" Stephanie asked.

"No," The professor said as he started looking around the lab, "I just need to examine the potion more. I still have a good feeling about this." he starts flipping through a huge textbook while Stephanie goes over their notes.

-Outside-

"Okay Link, say Linda." Linda said while pointing to herself. They all were sitting in a circle on the grass teaching the Link look-a-like to speak.

"L-L-inda." The sexy man stuttered.

"You know what I think?" Cheyenne stated.

"What?" they all asked.

"I think we need to give him an actual name." Cheyenne said.

"Why?" Kayla asked.

"Because when the original Link gets back from wherever the hell you said he was, it'll get confusing calling them both Link." Cheyenne explained.

"That's true." They all said.

"Oh yay! This's going to be fun!" Linda cheered.

"Sexy Beast or Muff Diver is not even an option!" Kayla said, glaring at Linda and Sage.

"Damn, Sexy Beast was my first choice . . ." Linda said sadly.

"How funny; Muff Diver was mine." Sage said.

"How about blah?" Kayla suggested. Everyone kind of gave her an uninterested face and shrugged.

"Oh! Quasimoto!" Linda shouted.

"Hell no." They all said.

"How about Sean Connery?!" Sage joked.

"Actually, I kind of like that name." Cheyenne said.

"Yeah, Sean is a good name." Kayla agreed.

"I guess, but Sexy Beast is _way_ better in my opinion." Linda pouted.

They all turned to _Sean_ "What do you think of your new name, Sean?" Sage asked.

"I think it is rather a lovely name." A girly voice spoke. They all turned the direction the voice came from and gasped.

* * *

**I don't know why but I imagine the lake scientist guy to look like Dr. Emmett Brown from Back to the Future ... oh well**


	12. Ch 12: BAD! It's BAD!

In this episode of _Cornelius! The Branded Avenger!_ Our protagonists set sail on a journey to save their little sister captured by the evil Dr. Wash! Last time you met them they successfully named the Link look-a-like _Sean_ for some reason. JUST THEN! An evil presence made itself known to our heroes. What was that evil presence? Well stick around to find out!

"Kris?!" They all, except _Sean_, shouted in surprise.

And there Kris stood, with a group of Stalfos behind her waiting for her orders "What a pleasant surprise that I got to run into you here." She spoke.

"I wouldn't say that it's very pleasant." Sage said.

"Those damn dead guys keep glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"You can't have _Sean_!" Linda shouted as she jumped in front of _Sean_ to protect him.

Kris snorted with laughter "I'm not here for-" she spots _Sean_ and his beautiful face, "Well hello there Sean." She said seductively.

"It's pronounced _Sean_." Sage corrected.

"That's what I said." Kris argued.

"No, you said Sean. You're supposed to say it like _Sean_." Linda said.

"Oh what difference does it make?!" Kris shouted irritably.

"There's a big difference! You say it like a retard when you're supposed to say it like someone with scoliosis!" Linda explained.

"_You're_ retard." Kris said. They all gasp, "What?" Kris asks irritably.

Linda gets teary eyed "Why would you say that?"

"She's _very_ sensitive about her mental disorder." Sage said as she pats Linda's back.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know." Kris said with guilt.

"I think it's about time you leave." Cheyenne said while comforting her friend.

"Yes, I understand. I'm so _so_ sorry, I didn't know and I would've never said that if I knew." Kris apologized as she began to walk away, "Hey WAIT A MINUTE!" she shouted before turning back "I don't care if you have gingivitis or down syndrome, I'm here for the cow!"

"Damn and we were so close in getting you to leave." Sage said.

"Run _Sean_!" Linda screamed.

"Thanks Linda, it's nice to know you care . . ." Kayla said irritably.

"Hey! I faked a mental disorder for you!" Linda shouted.

"Oh trust me; you didn't have to fake it." Kris cut in, "Get the cow!" she ordered the Stlafos.

Our friends tried fighting off the Stalfos but they were outnumbered and outmatched. The battle ended pretty quickly as our friends were pummeled to a bloody pulp. Ouch. The Stalfos chain Kayla up and give Kris the signal that they're ready to leave.

"Next time you decide to take what's ours, make sure you get a little more fighting practice." Kris warned. She looks over at _Sean_ who is standing off to the side, "Grab my eye candy while you're at it." She said cheerfully.

The Stalfos chain _Sean_ up and carry him and Kayla off. Kris watches as they leave then turn towards our friends.

"She's safer with us anyway." Kris said in a low voice.

"What are you-?" Sage asked with a raspy voice before going into a fit of coughs.

"If you can't even fight off _my_ fighters, there's no way you could protect her from what's to come." Kris said before walking away.

Sage looks over at her unconscious friends before looking back at Kris "Don't think this is the last you've seen of us. . ." She croaked.

"For your friends' sake, I hope not." Kris muttered.

-A few hours later-

Sage wakes up on a rat sized cot. She looks around and realizes she's back in the professors' house.

"It's about time you've woken up." The professor says as he dissects a frog.

"That smells bad." Sage said as the dead frog smell attacks her nose.

"I'm hoping this will make the potion perfect." The professor said.

"I thought the potion was already done." Sage said.

"We found some imperfections, but I'd need the Link look-a-like to confirm that." The professor said with a sigh.

"His name is _Sean_ . . . and he was kidnapped." Sage said miserably.

"I know," The professor sighed "unfortunately there's not much we can do."

"We can go after him . . . _and_ Kayla." Sage said.

"And get killed? I don't think you understand the condition you and your friends are in right now." The professor said.

Sage looks at her rat body and sees a bandage wrapped around her midsection with multiple scratches around her legs and arms. She noticed Cheyenne (who was sleeping in her own bird cage) and Linda (who was sleeping on the professors' cot) had similar injuries.

Stephanie waddles up to Sage's cot "I didn't think it was possible for you guys to lose to Kris."

"There is no way one pig girl could do all that damage alone." The professor stated.

"Yeah, she had a group of Stalfos with her." Sage muttered, "I figured all that training we did with Impa would come in handy, but they were bigger and stronger . . . and I guess the fact that they were already _dead_ might have something to do with it. . ."

"Maybe you guys should learn to be peace makers." The professor suggested. Sage and Stephanie give him an odd look, ". . . Or not."

"We need to become stronger, do you have any potions for that?" Sage asked.

"Unfortunately no, but I do have red potion; it'll heal your injuries." The professor replied. He gave Sage the smallest drop of red potion he could; she began healing instantly. At first she was uncomfortable and itchy, but the feeling wore off and she wasn't sore anymore.

"Thanks professor!" Sage chimed as she pulled off the bandage.

"Now we wait for the other two to wake up." The professor said, looking at Linda and Cheyenne.

"How long have we been unconscious?" Sage asked.

"About a day." Stephanie answered.

"Any longer and I'd think you were dead or in a coma." The professor said before chuckling.

"Gee thanks . . ." Sage muttered.

As time went by, our friends got over the embarrassment of losing to Kris and her minions and moved on with their lives. More training was done, but the only sure way to tell if they've gotten stronger is if they fought something. They decided it was best to stay away from enemies until they could either get their bodies back or if Link came back and roamed Hyrule with them.

*Year Six*

Another few months flew by with tougher training regimens to get them ready to save a cow friend and a sexy man! And when I say tougher training regimens I mean goofing off. Our animal friends don't have a good sense of duty. On this particular spring day, the freeloaders decide to scurry off into the fishing pond to . . . blow dandelions, I mean, what else would you do at a _fishing pond_ right?! I'm just kidding, they'll be fishing.

So they're now sitting on that big log in the middle of the pond with a fishing rod in hand; waiting for it to snag a fish.

"Did you catch anything?" Sage asked lazily.

"When I do you'll know." Linda replied in the same tone.

"Every fish that swims by keeps calling me a slut . . ." Cheyenne muttered while glaring at the fish in the water.

"Funny, they keep calling me a fat lazy dumbass with a third nipple." Linda said, staring blankly into the distance.

"The air must be contaminated or something because I can hear them call me a bald bastard honey sucker; whatever that is." Sage said with a raised eyebrow.

"If they're trying to taunt us they're doing a horrible job." Linda said.

"No, I'd say they're doing a pretty good job." Sage said, wanting to leave just to get away from the insults.

"I just now thought of this, but if one of us ends up catching a big fish how will we get it to land without letting it slip out of our hands? I mean, Linda will have to swim back while I fly Sage back over and none of us with be able to hold onto the fish." Cheyenne pointed out. They all sat in awkward silence for a minute.

"Well I'm done." Linda said while reeling in her fish line.

"Yeah me too." Sage said, doing the same.

Cheyenne sighs "I guess I'm-" something suddenly hooks on to her line "Oh crap, I got something." She tries to reel her line in "Damn thing must be one hundred pounds!"

"Actually, it's probably because you're trying to reel it in with your _small_ _parakeet_ talons. How are you able to do that anyway?" Sage asked.

The fish hooked on Cheyenne's line jumps out of the water and our friends get a good look at it.

"SHARK?!" They all screamed in surprise.

"SON OF A BITCH! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" Sage screamed.

Cheyenne let's go of the fishing rod and begins to fly Sage back to land. Unfortunately, another shark begins to chase and snap at them and they begin screaming.

"Now's my chance to escape!" Linda chimed as she was about to jump in the water. A shark rams into the log causing Linda to lose her balance and she slips off the log. She's able to grab ahold of a sturdy branch sticking out of the log and desperately tries to lift herself out of the water. The shark rams the log again and it somehow flies out of the pond and lands on top of Linda. Cheyenne flies over to the log and drops Sage down next to it before resting on top of the log.

"Where the hell did these sharks come from?" Sage asked out of breath.

Linda pulls herself out from under the log "Oh no, don't worry about me I don't need your help."

"Serves those damn fish right for calling us mean names." Cheyenne said.

"It didn't look like the sharks were after the fish though." Sage stated.

"That's because they weren't." A random voice said. They all look at the direction it's coming from and see the Pond Owner.

"What do you mean?" They all asked irritably.

"Those sharks are specially trained to keep criminals out of my pond." The pond owner said.

"So you're telling me that _you_ sent those sharks after us?" Sage asked.

"Yup, I don't want rodents in my pond." The pond owner said while scratching his armpit.

"Even after we paid twenty rupees . . . EACH?!" Sage shouted.

"Well about that, I forgot that you were paying customers until _after_ I sent the sharks after you." The pond owner said.

"How convenient." Cheyenne muttered.

"I want my money back." Sage demanded.

"Sorry, there's a no refund policy." The pond owner said.

"I don't give a damn what kind of froofy policy you have! You give me back my damn money or I'll rip this place apart!" Sage shouted.

"Well, if you have any complaints I suggest you talk to our manager." The pond owner said.

"But you're the _owner_." Cheyenne stated.

The pond owner shrugged "Company policy."

"Okay . . . May we speak to your manager then?" Sage seethed.

"Let me go see if he's in." The pond owner said before walking away. After a few irritating minutes of waiting for him, the shop owner comes back "Sorry, he's on vacation, but I own this place so why don't we try to solve this problem ourselves yes?"

One of Sages' eyes begins to twitch and in a matter of minutes, the front desk is trashed and all the pond owner's rupees are gone. They say their farewells as the pond owner cries on the floor and leave the fishing pond with a nice smile plastered on all their faces.

Sage takes a deep breath "I feel accomplished."

"I find it sad that we robbed him, but only came out with sixty rupees." Cheyenne said while looking at their stolen goods.

"Business must be slow this time of year." Linda said.

"Let's get out of here; just being near that guy makes me want to punch a baby." Sage said before walking off.

"I love happy endings." Linda said.

*Year Seven*

HOLY POOP! This must be the chapter where Link comes back! Then we could get on with the story instead of just random scenarios our furry friends get into. Okay, so according to the wording between the asterisks above, our friends don't have much time before Link pops out of the sacred realm. Not only that but they're still animals! And the potion the Professor and Stephanie have been working on is still in progress! You'd think since they've been working on it for about three years they would've come up with something by now.

Anyway, since Linda's been keeping track of how long it's been they figured it was about time to head out to greet Link when he arrives. The professor promised to keep trying to make the potion as long as they left a good supply of their fur so he could have something to test the potion on. After saying their good-byes and taking a small sack full of supplies, they head out. I'm not sure if I want to write about them getting to Hyrule market or just skip to them already there. Well . . .

-One Day Later-

They finally make it to Redead market, formerly known as Hyrule market. Being lazy and what not is fantastic. As they were walking through the abandoned market they noticed one of the redead was slowly following them.

"Maybe we should've thought of a better plan then just waltzing in here." Stephanie said, eyeing the oncoming redead.

"Nah, we'll be fine." Linda reassured.

"Are you sure? That thing's starting to pick up speed." Stephanie said.

"Well I guess we'll just have to ask it to follow someone else." Linda said while turning around and walking towards the redead.

"That wouldn't do anything; it likes the smell of the broccoli in your tail." Cheyenne stated.

"Yeah, and I had some moldy bread for breakfast so I'll smell of death soon enough." Sage said.

Stephanie gives her friends a weird look "Not to mention that redeads _eat_ the living."

"They won't want a taste of me after I digest that moldy bread." Sage said.

"That's disgusting." Stephanie said.

"Hey Linda, don't let that thing know where we're going!" Cheyenne shouted as she watched Linda get closer to the redead.

"Hey mister, can you go follow someone else for a few days? My friends over there don't want you following us to the temple of time." Linda said to the redead. It just keeps walking towards her while making small groaning sounds, "Fine! I _was_ going to share some of my hairy broccoli with you but now you can forget it."

"Ew, hairy broccoli." Sage said.

Linda begins to walk off until the redead suddenly lets out a piercing screech, causing the other redeads to turn towards them. They all huddle up in defense as the redeads slowly surround them.

"Before we die, I want you all to know that I love you. I mean, we've had our bad times, but we're a team and we looked out for each other. I wouldn't want to die any other way then with my best friends." Stephanie sobbed.

"Honestly I'd rather die being suffocated in Links' manly chest." Linda said.

"Orlando Bloom's closet." Cheyenne said.

"You guys are unbelievable." Stephanie grimaced then looked at Sage with hopeful eyes.

"I think the best way to die is to drown in Daniel Radcliffe's eyes." Sage finally said after thinking for a minute.

Stephanie looked at her friends unpleased "You all can just go straight to hell."

"Tell that to the redeads that are trying to kill us." Cheyenne said.

By this time the redeads were pretty close to our furry friends and ready to eat some lunch. But of course our friends had something else in mind. So much can happen when you have a spotlight.

"Have you ever seen such a beautiful night?" Cheyenne sang.

"I could almost kiss the stars for shining so bright!" Sage sang.

They begin a choreographed dance "When I see you smiling I go-" Linda sang.

"OH, OH, oh!" They all sang.

I hope that song gets stuck in your head! Just like that damn 'call me maybe' song! UGH! Anyway, now that the redeads were thoroughly confused and/or distracted, the animals could wait for a good time to escape. In the middle of their "performance" they see an opening and escape from the swarm of redead.

"See, I told you we'd be fine." Linda said as they were running away from the crowd of redead.

"Yes but our knowledge of old Disney songs can't save us every time." Stephanie retorted.

"Like hell they can't!" Linda shouted.

"Watch where you're going!" Sage yelled at Linda and Stephanie. She and Cheyenne have already come to a stop while Linda and Stephanie keep going and suddenly run into someone.

"Drunk hobo?" Sage asked in surprise as she and Cheyenne walked up to them.

The drunken hobo turned towards them and smiles "Hey Marlin!" he shouted as he lifted a wine bottle in the air, "Great weather *hic* today, right?! Though *hic* I could do without the gloomy clouds and such."

"Why are you always drunk; you know that's bad for you right?" Stephanie lectured.

"Oh stop being a mother and *hic* learn to have some fun." The drunken hobo said while waving his free hand nonchalantly.

"I'm kind of curious of how you're able to buy all this booze, I mean, by the looks of it you just wander around Hyrule without any rupees or anything." Cheyenne pointed out.

"Hey! *hic* I'm pretty sure I have rupees somewhere. *hic*" The drunken hobo said while looking around aimlessly.

"Maybe you stuck them up your nose." Sage said, seeing if he would actually look.

"That's right! It seems I'm losing everything *hic* in my nose this week." The hobo said as he began digging through his nose.

"If there's none in there you might want to look up your ass." Sage suggested.

"Oh cut it out! There's nothing in your nose or your ass, hopefully." Stephanie said with disgust, "Stop picking your nose!" the drunken hobo did as he was told.

"So what're you doing on this side of Hyrule; you know it's kind of inhabited by monsters right?" Linda asked.

"Really?!" The hobo asked in surprise, "this place looks a like my moms' house."

"I now see why you ended up like this." Sage said.

"Poor child." Linda said.

"Um . . . guys." Cheyenne said worriedly as she pointed towards a group of redeads walking towards them.

"It's like they don't have anything better to do." Linda said irritably.

"*hic* what bastards." The hobo slurred.

"I think you've had enough to drink." Cheyenne said.

"But he's the drunk hobo! He's just a plain boring hobo if he's not drunk!" Linda shouted.

"He'd be a proper citizen if he wasn't drunk." Stephanie said.

"You and your _good_ way of life can kiss my ass, drunk hobo is fun and you know it." Sage said.

"Oh look at me I'm kicking dirt at you haha!" The hobo teased as he kicked air towards one of the oncoming redeads.

"He's also a good distraction plan." Linda stated.

"That's mean." Stephanie said.

"You say that, but you'll be running away with us as he gets attacked by those redeads." Sage said.

"Hey, you look like my moms' pet zebra named Charles," the hobo said as he put an arm around the redead, "Just without the 'Ch-', so your name would be 'Arles'." The hobo tried holding in his laugh but couldn't and started laughing hysterically.

The group watches as the drunken hobo is surrounded by redead and is basically gang raped.

"Bow chicka wow wow." Sage sang.

"That's just gross, let's keep going." Stephanie said.

They glance at each other before continuing on to the temple of time. When they get there, they head inside and enter the back room where pedestal of time is.

"So when is Link coming back and just where is he going to come out of?" Stephanie asked.

"I don't know, but I hope it's sometime soon because I miss his body." Linda said.

"I think you need a new hobby." Stephanie said; a little freaked out by Linda's obsession.

"Hell no." Linda said flatly.

"What I want to know is why we haven't met Sheik yet. I mean seven years and not even a sign of her . . . or him." Sage said.

"Who's Sheik?" Cheyenne asked.

"I'm Sheik." A voice called out from a distance. The group turned towards the voice and spot a man dressed in bandages and blue spandex.

"Let me guess, you're Impas' son?" Cheyenne asked.

"What gave you that idea?" Sheik asked.

"Well, Impa once told us that she was the last of the Sheikah race and I figured your name came from that. My mind somehow came to the conclusion that you are Impas' son because of it." Cheyenne tried to explain.

"I'm part of a dying race and you have the nerve to make fun of it _and_ my name?" Sheik asked irritably.

"I wasn't saying tha-" Cheyenne tried to explain herself but Sheik interrupted.

"Not only do I have to hear that kind of shit from my trainer, but now I have to hear it from a bunch of stupid ungrateful animals?! Not only that but my rock collection was stolen last week and nobody wants to help me look for it! Not to mention that I've been trying to get my life back together after Ganondorf took over and just when I think I got everything figured out I get a hangnail! Yes, a hangnail! And let me tell you about when I tried to take a bath in the Zora river, but the bean seller-"

"Would you just _shut up_? I've met some pretty annoying bitchy people before, but you've definitely outdone them ALL!" Sage interrupted. Everyone else nodded.

"I actually kind of want to hear about the bean seller story." Linda said.

"NO! No more stories about how miserable anybody _thinks_ their life is; we're just going to sit here _quietly_ and wait for Link to get back!" Sage said before plopping down on the floor.

-A few hours later-

FINALLY! After seven years of waiting, a light surrounds the pedestal of time and after it fades away only a figure is left. They all stare with shiny eyes at the green clad, sexy seventeen year old hero. At first he has his back to them, but turns towards them when he hears someone running towards him.

"MY SEXY HUNKY MAN MEAT!" Linda cried as she jumped into his arms.

He's taken aback for a second but smiles and returns the hug "Linda! It's been so long!"

Linda squeals with delight "Your voice makes me tremble." She says before taking a big whiff of Links' tunic.

"You're just as weird now as you were then." Link said with a chuckle.

"I can see why Linda's so obsessed with him." Stephanie said.

"Yeah, he's the only reason she plays the game over and over again." Sage said.

"Sad . . . but understandable." Cheyenne said.

Link sees his other friends and smiles at them "Don't you want a hug too?"

"Hell yea-" they began.

"No! You belong to me and no one else!" Linda whined.

"When did you become so stingy?" Link asked.

"This is how she's always been; there was just never an opportunity for you to see." Sage said.

"Oh, well either way, come give me a hug." Link said.

They all ran up to him and had a nice, crushing group hug. Once again, our heroes were back together and ready to save all of Hyrule. Huzzah!

"To be honest, I was hoping you guys would've died while we were away." A too familiar voice rang out. Sage and Linda's faces quickly changed from a happy expression to a disgusted one, "Oh I'm sure you guys missed me too." Navi said with a smirk.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Sage and Linda screamed.

* * *

**Periods suck.**

**I didn't feel like writing this chapter for some reason so I had to force myself to write**

**... I guess forcing myself to write made the chapter less enjoyable and in doing so I don't think I wrote very well(story-wise). What do you think? Kay BYE!**


	13. Ch 13: Satanic Ranch?

Our friends were still in the temple of time, sitting on the stone steps next to the altar with the goddess stones floating on them.

"You guys haven't aged a bit since we last saw each other." Link said.

"Hm, I guess you're right." Cheyenne said, looking at herself.

"But it's kind of hard to tell if we've aged since we're all in animal form." Sage pointed out.

"Ew, if I aged normally then I'd be twenty five . . . or something." Linda said.

"Actually, we haven't aged because time flow back home is different from time flow here; at least that's my hypothesis." Stephanie said.

"What?" They all asked.

"Over the past seven years I've noticed something about us." Stephanie said.

"What?" They all asked again.

"Nothing's changed! You think over seven years we'd grow a little more or mature a bit but nothing happened!" Stephanie said.

"I guess you do make a point." Sage said.

"You have got to be the stupidest bunch of animals if you can't tell you're aging or not." Navi said.

"Why couldn't she just stay in the sacred realm?" Linda asked irritably.

"We're being punished for helping Link save Hyrule; or something like that." Sage replied.

"So what have you guys been up to for . . . seven years?" Link asked, changing the subject.

"Oh the usual running around and discovering things." Stephanie lied.

"Smells like bull shit." Navi said irritably.

"It's just your upper lip." Linda said.

"What kind of things have you discovered so far?" Link asked.

"The bridges in Hyrule aren't very sturdy." Cheyenne said.

"Death is inevitable." Linda said.

"According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction." Sage said.

"Oh, and Kayla was kidnapped." Stephanie added.

"What?!" Link shouted in surprise.

"Oh please, with them watching over her it was to be expected." Navi said.

"And that is why you don't have friends." Linda said. Navi rolls her eyes.

"But don't worry, we're seventy percent sure she's in Ganondorf's castle." Sage said.

"And thirty percent sure she's either dead in a ditch somewhere or being served as a hamburger elsewhere." Linda said.

"Maybe she's being served as a hamburger in a ditch." Sage suggested.

"Oh the possibilities." Linda said.

"I can see neither one of you grew a brain over the years." Navi said.

"Did you say Ganondorf's castle?" Link asked.

"Yeah, sometime after you went into the Sacred Realm he kind of took over Hyrule." Cheyenne explained.

"Is Zelda okay?" Link asked.

"Impa put her in hiding a few years ago so she should be safe." Stephanie said.

"Which reminds me, where did Sheik run off to?" Linda asked.

"Who's Sheik?" Link asked.

"I'm Sheik," A voice says right before a rose falls down from the ceiling and sticks into the floor.

"Are you trying to get fresh here Sheik?" Sage asks suspiciously.

Sheik jumps down from the ceiling and lands in front of our friends with some strange background music playing. He is now wearing a black tuxedo, cape, top hat, and a white mask. Everyone stares at him with a blank expression.

"Tuxedo mask?" Cheyenne asked.

"When did Sailor Moon become popular in Hyrule?" Linda asked.

"There's no possible way, they don't have TV." Stephanie said.

"Do not be fooled by my disguise, for I am still the Sheik you all know and love." Sheik said while bringing his cape up to cover his face.

"The Sheik we all know, yes, love? . . . eh" Sage said.

"Hey weren't you gloomy and suicidal last chapter; when did you become the . . . mysterious masked hero type?" Linda asked.

"Oh great, the authoress must've added a character with split personality disorder just to piss us off." Sage groaned.

"Actually I was just messing with my dress up clothes." Sheik said while removing the tuxedo, revealing his usual attire.

"A grown man playing dress up?" Navi asked.

"Don't judge me I had a hard life!" Sheik argued.

"Um . . . is there any particular reason you wanted to come play dress up with us Sheik?" Link asked.

Sheik sees Link and whips out his handheld harp, "I can show you the world-"

"Ugh, not another Disney song . . ." Stephanie groaned.

"All right, let me rephrase it then." Sheik says before clearing his throat, "Seeing the world of Hyrule could be as easy as playing a song. But before I can teach you any song, you must go to many different regions of Hyrule. In these regions, you must awaken the remaining sages; in the deep forest, the only volcano in Hyrule, the only lake in Hyrule, dancing with the dead, and playing in a big sandbox."

"Wait, I'm confused; I'll find Sage playing in a sandbox?" Link asked while staring confusedly at Sage.

"Only sometimes." Sage replied.

"No, no, no. Magical beings known as 'sages' need to be awakened in order to obtain the power to seal away the evil king." Sheik explained.

"But I thought the master sword could seal the evil king away." Link said, pointing at the master sword.

"It can, but it also needs the help of the six sages." Sheik said.

"Are these six sages going to fight Ganondorf with the master sword?" Link asked.

"Of course not; you are." Sheik said.

"Then why do I need the six sages if they're not going to fight?" Link asked.

Sheik sighs in frustration "You just do, they are the only beings that can seal the evil king into the Sacred Realm!"

"Then why do they need me?" Link asked. Sheik glares at Link and eventually one of his eyes begins to twitch.

"I quite enjoy seventeen year old Link." Cheyenne said with a British accent.

"I always have, and always will." Linda said.

"Just go to those regions and awaken the sages!" Sheik shouted before throwing something to the ground and disappearing in a flash of light.

"AH! My eyes! My beautiful crystal blue eyes!" Stephanie shouted as she covered said eyes.

"Let's not waste any more time-" Navi spoke before being interrupted by a loud thud. They all turn their attention to where the noise came from. Sheik was lying on the ground looking disheveled.

"What the hell was that?" Sage asked.

Sheik looks up at the group "Um . . . don't mind me, I'm just passing through."

"It looks to me like you fell from-" Cheyenne said while roving her eyes up towards the ceiling, "somewhere up there?"

"How'd you get up there and why?" Link asked.

"Uh . . . I . . . came back to tell you . . . that . . . There's an item in Kakariko village that should be helpful to you on your journey, yeah. So go there and get it so your journey is less strenuous." Sheik said nervously.

"Oh, well thanks . . . I guess." Link said while scratching the back of his head.

"Yeah, well I'm just going to go through the door this time and . . . see you later, I guess." Sheik said timidly. Sheik lifts himself off the floor and walks toward the exit of the temple. Our heroes give him odd stares as he awkwardly waves goodbye and closes the temple doors.

"So to Kakariko village then?" Navi asked.

"Please." Link said eagerly.

Our friends leave the temple of time and Link is overwhelmed with how different Hyrule market is.

"I can't believe all that's happened over the years I was gone." Link said.

"If you don't mind my asking; what did you even _do_ in the sacred realm?" Cheyenne asked.

"Rauru trained me." Link answered.

"He trained you? I thought you just slept the whole time." Linda said.

"I don't think I have the ability to sleep for seven years." Link said.

"You can with magic." Sage said.

"I guess I could but-" Link began, but was interrupted by a humping redead! Everyone gasped as Link was being choked/raped.

"Not one of those things again!" Navi shouted.

"Bow chicka wow wow." Sage sang.

"Do something!" Navi demanded.

"You do something!" Cheyenne shouted back.

Link then flips the redead over, pulls his sword out and stabs it in the face. The girls watch in awe as he sheathes his sword and catches his breath.

"You just keep getting sexier and sexier." Linda said.

"Looks like Rauru trained you well." Stephanie added.

"Thanks, but it wasn't really that impressive." Link said with a blush.

"Next time, make sure your skirt flies up when you move like that." Linda said, eyeing Links' ass.

"I really wish you'd stop being creepy." Stephanie said.

They notice the other redeads walking their direction and decide to leave. As they're scurrying away they notice Sheik being gang raped by some redead. Of course being the good heroes that they are, they just run passed him and hope he doesn't call out to them. When they make it to the drawbridge Link couldn't help but notice that is was split in half.

"Did Ganondorf really have to break the drawbridge?" Link asked. The animals give each other unsettling glances.

". . . Yeah, what a total douchebag." Sage chuckled.

"Why don't we keep going and talk about this bridge later?" Stephanie suggested.

"Sure, let's go to Kakariko village then." Link said.

"Wait, don't you want to go see how things are at the Ranch?" Linda asked.

"Why, what's at the Ranch?" Link asked.

"Don't you want to go see how Epona is doing?" Linda asked.

"Hell no! That thing is going to kill us!" Cheyenne shouted, referring to Stephanie and her.

"Oh yeah, I forgot she doesn't like birds." Sage said.

"Is something wrong with Epona?" Link asked.

"Normally I would say yes, but since this story hasn't exactly been following the original plotline I don't know." Linda replied.

"Then why go to the Ranch?" Navi asked.

"Because what if something _is_ wrong? We need to go save the Ranch!" Linda said.

"Well I guess it wouldn't hurt to go see." Link said.

And so our heroes set off towards Lon Lon Ranch. When they get there it's around noon. As they enter the Ranch they notice a slight difference in the scenery. The slight difference being protective charms plastered all over the buildings and fences.

"I love what they've done with the place." Sage said sarcastically.

"Do you guys hear . . . chanting of some sort?" Cheyenne asked. They all listen for a while before running to the big corral.

"What the hell!" Navi shouted.

In the middle of the corral they see a circle of horses with ropes tied around their necks fastening them to the ground. They each have strange blankets draped over their backs and blind folds around their eyes.

"What kind of satanic ritual is this?" Stephanie asked.

"Maybe we should go." Cheyenne suggested.

"I second that." Navi said.

"What a minute, there's someone in the middle of those horses." Link pointed out. They all look closer at what they see and there is in fact someone in the middle of the ruckus, "It looks like a woman."

"Oh, it must be Malon." Linda said.

"How can you tell?" Navi asked.

"Because she's the only woman who lives at the Ranch, duh." Linda replied.

"We've got to help her!" Link shouted as he ran towards the corral.

"What if she _wanted_ to be in that kind of situation?" Cheyenne asked; cringing at the dirty thoughts she was having.

"Ew, that's some strange S&M role play." Sage said.

"You guys are sick." Stephanie said.

As the animals catch up with Link, they notice Malon was bound and gagged.

"S&M role play." Sage whispered to Stephanie.

"Shut up already!" Stephanie shouted.

Link unties Malon and pulls out the sock in her mouth "Are you okay?"

Malon tries to lift herself off the ground in a panic "You've . . . you've got to get me out of here, he's going to kill me!"

Link helps her to her feet "Who's going to kill you?"

They all hear heavy footsteps coming their way. Malon gasps and hides behind Link "Please help me." She begged.

"So have you learned your lesson, demon?" a man in some sort of black robe asked.

"Who the hell are you?" Link asked.

"I," the man spoke just as he ripped the robe off, "am your worst-"

"OH GOD! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" The animals yelled as they averted their eyes.

"What, this outfit is a spiritual symbol and a very important part of the ceremony." The man said. He is wearing a black one piece swimsuit that was really low-cut; and when I say low I mean passed his belly button low. It is pretty mortifying.

"Now I see why Malon wanted to leave." Cheyenne said.

"AS I WAS SAYING!" The man shouted, "I am your worst nightmare, Ingo! Ganondorf gave this Ranch to me so I could get rid of all the evil spirits left over from when Talon still lived here."

"This image can never be unseen." Stephanie sobbed.

"I think I'm going to be scarred for life." Sage said.

"WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT MY OUTFIT?!" Ingo shouted.

"We can try." Cheyenne said.

"Anyway, I plan to rid this woman of all the evil spirits that infest her body. Unfortunately, every time I try to perform the ritual some random asshole with a sword ends up stopping me." Ingo said.

"I guess Link is the next asshole with a sword?" Linda asked.

"Not _this_ time!" Ingo shouted.

Ingo pulled out a whistle from the front part of his swimsuit and blew into it, causing the circle of horses to panic and try to break loose from the rope they're tied with. After he got some disgusted groans from the animals he continued to do a strange satanic chant. Accompanied by some weird dance moves, his satanic chant was . . . an absolute eyesore! He proceeded to do pelvic thrusts, wiggling of the arms and legs, funky square dancing and a lot of other random movements as he slowly moved around the circle of horses.

"Can we please just get the hell out of here?! He's creeping me out to the point where I want to throw my hands in the air and run away crying!" Sage shouted.

"You're going to have to come up with a different plan of escape because Malon already did that." Linda said as she pointed to Malon running towards the stable.

"How are we supposed to get out of here without getting kicked by one of the horses?" Navi asked.

"If Malon can do it, so can we!" Cheyenne shouted, "Besides, I'm tired of these horses glaring at me and calling me an orphan . . ."

"I've got a better idea," Link said before pulling out his ocarina and playing Epona's song, "Maybe it'll calm the horses down."

Of course things like that never really work out for Link and his friends; meaning the horses began to panic even more than calm down like Link wanted. Ingo proceeded to laugh maniacally as the horses began to kick up dirt and cause a dirt cloud to surround them.

"Somebody do something!" Navi shouted before beginning to choke on the dusty air.

"I'm so confused at what just happened that I have no idea how to react!" Stephanie cried.

"Wonder twin powers activate!" Linda shouted.

"Shape of, a vacuum cleaner!" Sage shouted.

"Form of, a dust bunny!" Cheyenne shouted.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU RETARDS TALKING ABOUT?!" Navi screamed.

"Aww man, now our powers won't work cause Navi's a bitch." Linda whined.

"Watch out!" Link shouted as he shielded his furry friends from Ingo and a hammer.

The girls hear the clanking of Links' sword and Ingo's hammer as they fight to the death! Or just fight until one of them gives up. Since the animals couldn't see anything through the dirt cloud they huddled together hoping that everything would just calm down. A few minutes later, a piercing scream echoed throughout the ranch and everything stood still. As the dirt cleared up our furry friends saw Link standing over an injured Ingo. The atmosphere was so intense that even the horses were watching Link intently.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Cheyenne whispered.

"Watch Links' ass?" Linda suggested with a shrug.

"Oh just stop it already." Stephanie said.

"Kiss my ass." Linda replied.

Ingo clutched his right arm to stop his bleeding wound and began breathing heavily "Please . . . Please let me live."

"Then give the Ranch back to Talon and Malon . . . and stop doing these weird ritual things with the animals." Link demanded.

"And for Christ' sake, put on some clothes!" Sage shouted.

"But Ganondorf will be furious." Ingo sniffed.

"I'm sure he'd be just as grateful." Sage said.

"I was supposed to present him with a horse tomorrow!" Ingo cried.

"Oh I know why don't _we_ take the horse you were going to present him? That way everybody wins!" Cheyenne suggested.

"But-" Ingo said as he wipes his nose with his palm.

"Well now that that's settled, let's get the horse and leave." Stephanie interrupted.

"You got it dude!" Linda said before they all start to walk away.

"Hey! Wait a second!" Ingo protested as he reached out to grab Linda's tail.

Before he could grab her she turned around and slapped his nose with the back of her paw "You better back up _home slice_ before I slap a hoe!"

"You kind of already did." Sage pointed out.

"Gee whizakers! Talking animals?! This Ranch is filled with evil spirits!" Ingo shouted. They all just give Ingo a disappointed glance.

"You've been hearing us talk for a while now." Sage said dully.

"Yeah, but it just dawned on me that you were all animals." Ingo replied.

"I honestly don't know why Ganondorf would want an idiot like you running this Ranch." Navi said.

"Because I'm perfect." Ingo said.

"Yeah, we're just going to leave now." Link said as the group started walking away, "Oh, and we're taking Epona with us."

"Like hell you are!" Ingo shouted, "None of these horses are for sale."

"I'm not leaving Epona here in this sort of environment." Link said while motioning to the tied horses.

"What do you care, you've never even met Epona!" Ingo shouted.

"Yes I have, once, seven years ago." Link replied.

"Really?! You're practically best friends now!" Ingo said in a sarcastic tone.

Link rolls his eyes "We're leaving now."

"Wait a minute!" Ingo commanded, "You're entertaining so I'll humor you. I'll give you Epona only if you win in a horse race against me."

"Well I guess so." Link said hesitantly.

The animals give Link an unsure look, but he just shrugs and follows Ingo to the stable. When they get inside they find Epona in one of the stalls. Link walks up to her while Ingo walks up to another stall with a black horse inside.

"Epona looks . . . a lot bigger then when we last saw her." Sage said. The others nod.

"Well don't just stand there, saddle her up." Ingo instructed as he did the same to the black horse.

After a while of messing with the saddle, Link has Epona ready for the race. He and Ingo lead their horses back to the corral where they set up at the starting line; which is just a painted white line on the outside of the corral.

"Hey, where'd Stephanie and Cheyenne go?" Linda asked Sage. They were standing a safe distance away from Link and Ingo so they wouldn't get run over.

Sage looks around "Maybe they went to hide from Epona."

"Ingo, my love!" Malon screamed as she ran to him.

"Did she just say what I think she said?" Sage asked, confused. Linda nodded.

Malon steps in front of Ingo's horse "Don't do it smoochy poo!"

"Get out of the way sugar tits!" Ingo shouted.

"But Epona might get hurt bubble buns!" Malon protested.

"That's a risk I'm willing to take beef curtains." Ingo said.

"Please don't do it funny bunny . . ." Malon pleaded.

"Get out of the way whale!" Ingo shouted.

"Can't you come up with a cuter name than that snuggle bear?" Malon pouted.

"Testicle juggler?" Ingo asked.

"I don't understand what's going on anymore . . ."Link said as Ingo and Malon kept arguing. Sage and Linda jump onto Epona.

"I thought Malon wanted to get away from Ingo." Linda stated.

"So it really was some strange S&M role play." Sage said.

"I think they may be the strangest couple in _Legend of Zelda_ history." Linda said.

"I agree," Sage said before jumping on to Links' shoulder "let's get the hell out of here." she whispered.

"Don't encourage him to steal." Navi lectured.

"We'll tell him to be a good citizen when we leave the Ranch and its nasty ass inhabitants." Sage said.

Navi was silent (HALLELUJAH!) for a moment ". . . fine, but only because they're starting to freak me out too."

And thus, our heroes sneak Epona out of the Ranch while the two love birds are arguing. As they enter Hyrule field they see Stephanie and Cheyenne waiting by a tree.

"How was it?" Cheyenne asked.

"Disgusting, to say the least." Linda said.

"I hope we never have to go back there ever again." Sage sighed.

"Me neither . . ." a random girly voice said.

"What was that?" Stephanie asked.

"What was what?" Link asked.

"That voice . . . where did it come from?" Stephanie asked while looking around.

"You mean _me_?" The animals looked around for a while until they looked over at Epona.

"Epona . . . you can talk?" Sage asked.

"Yeah, I guess so." Epona said.

"Holy poop you can talk!" Linda said excitedly.

"Who can talk? Epona?" Link asked, still thoroughly confused.

"Well it makes sense that animals can communicate with each other." Navi said.

"Yeah I guess so." Link said, "Either way, we can start heading to Kakariko village now."

"Yes, thank you! We can finally do something worthwhile!" Navi shouted. Link shrugged and directed Epona towards Kakariko.

"I want to thank you guys for freeing me from that horrible place. I always felt awkward living there." Epona said as they were walking.

"I don't blame you." Cheyenne said.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Stephanie asked Epona.

"Sure." Epona replied.

"Why do you hate birds?" Stephanie asked.

"That was a weird phase I went through as a youngling . . . It was because my ex-boyfriend cheated on me." Epona explained.

"I have a feeling this is going to be another Malon and Ingo case." Sage said a little disturbed.

Epona neighed "I guess you could say that, considering he was a cucco."

"Ew . . ." the animals said in unison.

"But he was definitely the romantic type," Epona said with a dreamy expression, but then scowled "I eventually found out he was being romantic towards one of the cows. Damn her and her _curves_! Sure I didn't weigh as much as her, but at least I could jump over things."

"So first there's a horse and cucco relationship then there's a cow and cucco relationship?" Cheyenne asked.

"Ew, I just imagined Ingo and one of the horses!" Linda cried as she tries shaking the idea out of her head.

"What kind of Ranch are they running?" Sage asked with disgust.

"We're _very_ open-minded creatures." Epona said.

"Yeah no kidding . . ." Sage said.

"I wish I knew what they were talking about." Link said to Navi.

Navi shrugged "By the sounds of it, I don't think we _want_ to know."

* * *

**Okay so I didn't edit this chapter because I'm just not in the mood . . . **

**Lazy is a virtue *cough***

**Anyway, if you see any mispelled words or just horrible phrases that don't make sense . . . tell me and i will fix it later**

**ok bye**


	14. Ch 14: Lost Worlds

"And that's why you should never place honey covered mushrooms on your nipples in the middle of the forest." Dampe finished explaining.

"That's . . . great." Link said dully.

Our heroes have been listening to Dampe the _dead_ grave keepers' random stories for over two hours now. After getting into Kakariko, the game experts said the special item Dampe has is crucial to getting where they need to go and that's how they ended up in his grave. Unfortunately, they agreed to listen to his stories in exchange for said special item, but Dampe isn't exactly the best storyteller.

"I only agreed to listen because I didn't think his stories would be this lame." Link said.

"On the contrary, I thought they were quite traumatizing." Cheyenne said.

"I will never eat mushrooms ever again." Stephanie said with a disgusted expression.

"Since we listened to your stories can we have the hook shot now?" Sage asked.

"If you want my special treasure then you'll have to keep up with me in a race . . . against time." Dampe said, trying to be suspenseful.

"Seriously?!" Navi screeched, "First you make us listen to your lame ass stories and now you want us to race you?!"

". . . Against time" Dampe added.

"Whatever!" Navi shouted.

"I think I can keep up." Link said confidently.

"Why, because I'm dead?!" Dampe asked, offended for some reason.

"Well . . . maybe a little." Link spoke, "But if it makes you feel any better, that's not the main reason why I think I can keep up."

"Then what is the main reason?" Dampe asked angrily.

"It's probably because you have a fatter ass then Linda does." Sage said. Linda nodded.

"Oh yeah?!" Dampe shouted.

"I wasn't thinking that-"Link tried to defend himself.

"I'll show you, you breathing no good son of a bitch!" Dampe interrupted.

A door lifted open and Dampe flew through it like no tomorrow. The animals look up at Link as he gazes through the door completely dumbfounded.

"Well don't just stand there, go win that race!" Stephanie shouted.

Link snaps back to reality "Oh yeah!" he shouted before running through the door to catch up with Dampe.

"I probably ruined it for him didn't I?" Sage asked.

"Yes, but that really doesn't surprise me." Navi replied.

"Shouldn't you be going with him?" Cheyenne asked Navi.

"He's a big boy now he doesn't need my help for _everything_." Navi said.

"Then why don't you go back to the rock you crawled out from? I'll take care of Link from now on." Linda said.

"First of all, kiss my ass; and second of all, there's no way in hell I'd leave Link in _your_ care!" Navi shouted angrily.

"What's wrong with the way I care for him?!" Linda asked.

"You basically molested his face earlier today!" Navi shouted.

"He said I could!" Linda argued.

"He wanted to pet your fur coat, not have you lick his face off!" Navi shouted.

"Petting, licking; same difference." Linda said while doing hand motions to compare the two words.

"Should we stop them?" Cheyenne asked while Navi and Linda were still fighting.

"Nah, they haven't had a good argument in over seven years." Sage said, "It's good to let off some steam."

"You just want them to fight to the death, don't you?" Cheyenne asked monotonously.

"Yeah, a little bit." Sage admitted.

"All right, that's enough you two-" Stephanie shouted.

"Shut up!" Navi and Linda shouted back before continuing their argument.

Stephanie's eyes began to water "Assholes . . ." she sniffs, "I just wanted you to stop arguing so it could be peaceful again."

Sage puts a comforting hand on Stephanie's wing "Believe you me . . ." She spoke before stopping to think about what she said, "Why do people say it like that? It sounds dumb. Anyway, what I was saying was . . . shit I forgot what I was going to say."

Cheyenne rolls her eyes "I think what Sage _wanted_ to say was that things between Navi and Linda or for any one of us between Navi are never going to be peaceful."

"I think Navi and I are on good terms." Stephanie said.

"She called you retarded a few chapters ago." Sage pointed out.

"Well that was then and I've matured over the chapters so . . . yeah." Stephanie said.

"Oh dear, make way for Saint Stephanie." Sage teased with a British accent.

"Quite the mature lady she is, I'd say." Cheyenne played along.

"Oh bugger off." Stephanie said.

After Linda and Navi quit arguing they all climb out of the Dampe's grave and head to the windmill hut. Inside, they find a strange balding man playing a grinder organ (?) and looking at the spinning windmill kind of pissed.

"Hey buddy, have you seen a sexy green skirt wearing blonde run through here?" Linda asked.

"It all happened seven years ago . . ." The balding man said while his left eye began twitching.

". . . Have you seen a sexy green skirt wearing blonde run through here _recently_?" Linda repeated, "Like a few minutes ago recently."

". . . That song . . . that haunting song . . . everything spinning . . . FAST!" The balding man shouted the last part causing everyone else to jump in surprise.

"Are you telling me this guy is traumatized by a spinning windmill?" Cheyenne asked in disbelief.

"A _fast_ spinning windmill" Linda corrected.

"He needs a new hobby." Stephanie said.

". . . Do you have any idea how much therapy I went through to get where I am today?" The balding man asked.

"You're meaning to tell me you were more insane then you are _now_?" Sage asked.

"Honestly I don't think it's working." Linda said.

"It is . . . in the past I used to kill street performers and drain their blood into the well in hopes of slowing down the spinning windmill. I was stupid to think that would actually work . . . I've been using animal blood ever since." The balding man explained as he began playing his grinder organ slower.

The animals slowly backed away from the balding man as he began to slowly bob his head left and right. They all hear a thud and look over at Link who just jumped down from a platform one level above them. They run to him in a panic and hide behind him.

"There you guys are; I thought I lost you." Link said happily, but began to worry when he saw their facial expressions, "What's wrong? It's like you've all seen a ghost or something."

"That guy wants to use their blood to stop the windmill from spinning too fast. At least I think that's what he's been hinting at." Navi explained.

Link looks over at the crazy balding guy "I'm sorry, but you can't use these animals for . . . some strange game you want to play." He says as he makes his way across the spinning windmill platform thing.

The balding guy looks at Link "You seem . . . familiar."

"I don't think we've ever met before, but either way I'm not giving you my friends." Link said.

"Oh Link!" Linda said happily.

"Link, he's supposed to teach you a song." Sage said.

"Oh, okay." Link said as he brings out his ocarina.

The balding mans' eyes widen and he steps back "IT _IS_ YOU!"

Everyone jumps back in surprise from the man's loud voice "If you teach me the song we'll be gone faster." Link said.

"I can never forget that song." The balding man says before humming the tune.

"How can you? It's the song you're playing on that weird instrument you have." Sage said.

"At least it'll be easier for me to learn it." Link said as he started teaching himself how to play.

It took him a few tries but he learned the song in the end; which is called the song of storms, if you're wondering. Of course it began raining and the windmill began spinning faster. Which means the crazy balding guy went . . . crazy, again.

"MY WINDMILL!" crazy balding guy screamed.

"It's obvious that you're busy so . . . we'll just go." Link said while backing away from crazy balding guy.

Crazy balding guy turns to our friends, giving them a death glare "Give me YOUR BLOOD!" he screams then throws his grinder organ at them.

Our friends dodge the instrument and dash out of the building . . . but not without the balding guy right behind them! He surprisingly had the energy to chase them around Kakariko village for a good thirty minutes. For some reason he was able to detect wherever they were which made hiding difficult for them. Luckily they were a lot faster than him so when they had a chance to rest next to a tree, they did.

"I can't run anymore!" Linda whined as she began gasping for air.

"You know what I just thought of?" Sage asked while catching a ride on Linda's back.

"What?" Link asked, also winded.

"We could've just left Kakariko . . . I mean we have no reason to stay." Sage said.

"Why the hell didn't you point that out thirty minutes ago?" Stephanie asked irritably.

"Didn't I say I _just_ thought of it?" Sage said.

"Let's just go before-" Cheyenne spoke before being interrupted.

"Get back here and let me sacrifice your blood to my windmill!" Crazy balding guy shouted; not too far behind them.

"Let's go!" Link shouted. They all groaned, but got up and kept running . . . no matter how loud their bones and muscles screamed in agony.

As they approached the village entrance/exit, one of the cuccos that the animals befriended over the years flew in front of them. When the group saw the cucco they suddenly stopped right before bulldozing it.

"We're kind of in a hurry here." Navi said.

The cucco saluted to the animals "I have news to report captains."

"Um . . . can it wait till later?" Cheyenne asked impatiently.

"Ma'am! Impa has gone to reseal the demon in the shadow temple." The cucco said.

"By herself?" Stephanie asked.

"Yes ma'am! And she said she doesn't want anyone going after her!" the cucco said.

"Well knowing that she doesn't want anyone going after her kind of makes me _want_ to go after her just because I'm now _really_ curious why she wants no one going after her." Linda said. The other animals nod.

"That's all the news I have for you today Ma'am!" the cucco said.

"Wait, when did she go to the shadow temple?" Sage asked.

Suddenly they hear a whooshing sound followed by a loud thud and a short squawk. They all look in terror as they see the crazy balding man standing on top of the now squished, dead cucco. The crazy balding man takes out a sponge and tries to soak up as much cucco blood on it as he can.

"You bastard! He had four kids . . . probably." Sage said. The crazy balding guy begins to laugh insanely as he watches the sponge soak up blood.

"What was his name again?" Linda asked, referring to the cucco.

"We need to get the hell out of here!" Stephanie screamed.

"I need more blood!" Crazy balding guy shouted before charging at our friends. Link brings out his sword and shield. As the crazy balding guy gets closer Link pushes him back with his shield, but crazy balding guy keeps pushing forward. Link then hits the crazy balding guy with the Master swords' hilt and crazy balding guy is down for the count. The animals begin to clap and cheer.

"Wait a second, why didn't you do that when he first started chasing us?" Sage asked.

"Well, couldn't _you_ have easily scratched his eyes out when he first started chasing us?" Link retorted.

"Touché elf, touché." Sage said, admiring Links' comeback.

"Either way we have a dead cucco and an unconscious psycho path." Cheyenne pointed out.

"Eh, let's just leave them here." Linda said.

"We can't just leave them here!" Stephanie shouted.

"Trust me; no one will know the difference." Linda said while waving off the subject.

"You honestly think nobody would notice a dead cucco and a homicidal maniac with a bloody sponge?!" Stephanie shouted.

"Mommy, can I go poke that sleeping man with my new doll?" A random small boy asked his mother as they walked by.

The mother looks down at her son with a stern expression "There's no such thing as _men_ sweetie, how many times do I have to tell you that?"

"But I see them all around the village mommy." The boy responded.

"They're just figments of your imagination, just like that thing that keeps wanting you to call it father." His mother explained, "Now come along and stop acting like a little shit."

"Yes mother." The boy said sadly.

"I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that. Let's get the hell out of here." Stephanie said.

After they leave Kakariko village, the game experts advise Link to go to the lost woods where they last saw Saria. By the time they made it to Kokiri forest it was after dark. Link noticed the eerie atmosphere the forest had and many new monsters. After dodging flying deku nuts and deku babas they finally make it to the huge log shaped opening leading to the lost woods.

"Oh Link, this is what you've been training for!" Navi chimed, "You're very first temple as the official Hero of Time!"

"Oh yeah . . ." Linda said dully, "douchebag monsters, timed puzzles, and ridiculous temples from here on out . . . fabulous."

"I wasn't talking to you." Navi said irritably.

Linda rolls her eyes at Navi and they head into the entrance of the Lost Woods. When the come out the other side though, they weren't exactly in the Lost Woods. They were on a huge ass balcony with scenery of an Arabian market. That's the best description my memory can come up with . . .

"This isn't the Lost Woods, where the hell are we?" Sage asked.

"Just, go jump off a balcony!" a womanly voice demanded.

"What bitch?!" Sage asked irritably while looking around to see who said that. Link pulled Sage behind a big plant that decorated the balcony and shushed her.

"What?!" The womanly voice asked. It only took our friends a few seconds to realize the woman was actually . . . Princess Ruto? And she was talking to a man standing next to the edge of the balcony.

"Uh, uh you're right," the man who looked a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio said, "You aren't just some prize to be won. You should be free to make your own choice."

"Oh shit there's a tiger!" Cheyenne squawked. She was about to fly out from behind the plant, but Link held her back. Luckily Leonardo or Ruto didn't hear her.

"I'll go now." Leonardo said before stepping off the balcony. Everyone behind the plant gasps.

"No!" Ruto shouts.

Leonardo's head pops up "What, what?!" He asks in a panic and looks around.

Ruto gives him an odd look "How . . ." she looks over the balcony, "How are you doing that?"

A carpet suddenly flies up to Ruto with Leonardo riding on top "It's a magic carpet." He explains.

"I've always wanted to ride on that carpet!" Linda shouted. This time Leonardo, Ruto, and tiger look at our friends.

"Nice going fat ass." Navi said.

"What the hell are you bastards doing here?" Ruto asked irritably. Our friends just stare at each other.

"Uh . . . we come from the Clean Carpet Society; also known as the KKS." Sage made up.

"Yeah, uh, we noticed one of our carpets were scheduled for cleaning and decided to personally come and pick it up." Stephanie added.

"But I was just about to take-" Leonardo tried to protest, but our friends ripped the carpet out from under him and jumped on, "Ouch!" he shouted as he fell to the floor.

"Well carpet sanitation is very important and shouldn't be taken lightly. We'll do you a favor and send it back to you when we're done." Linda said.

"Yeah, but-" Leonardo spoke.

"All right carpet, let's go!" Sage said.

The carpet didn't listen to them at first, but after being threatened by Links' sword it took them to the sky.

"Am I the only one freaked out by Leonardo DeCaprio and Ruto being in an _Aladdin_ movie?" Cheyenne asked.

"Am I the only one pissed off by the fact that this was _another_ Disney reference?" Stephanie asked irritably.

"I thought it was _very_ educational." Linda said.

"You're a dumbass . . ." Stephanie responded.

"Look over there!" Navi said as she pointed to a huge log shaped opening floating in midair, "It looks just like the entrance to the Lost Woods."

"Then let's jump through." Link said.

"You heard the sexy man, throw us in there!" Linda ordered the carpet while tugging on one of the edges.

The carpet flew up to the log and did just as it was told. When they landed on the other side they noticed they were in a forest . . . a creepy forest. They looked at their surroundings; tall lifeless trees, sounds of bugs and owls in the distance, and the full moon which was their only source of light not counting Navi.

"Camp Crystal Lake . . ." Linda said.

"What about it? . . . Where are you?" Cheyenne asked.

"That's what this sign says 'Welcome to Camp Crystal Lake'." Linda replied.

"What sign? How can you read in the dark?" Link asked.

"Raccoon eyes." Linda said.

"Camp Crystal Lake; why does that sound familiar?" Sage asked.

"I don't know, but I'm scared." Cheyenne said.

"You can hide in my hat if you want." Link offered. Cheyenne flew in there without a second thought and Link chuckled, "It's not that bad."

"Oh yeah It's from _Friday the 13__th_! It's that camp where Jason Voorhees drowned at, remember?" Stephanie said.

"Oh yeah . . ." Linda and Sage said in unison. They suddenly hear the sound of footsteps crunching leaves and huddle together.

"Tell me when it's over." Cheyenne whimpered as she clutched onto Links' hat.

As the sound gets closer their heartbeats begin to race. Each footstep seemed to draw out dread and curiosity from our friends. Just then, a figure came out from behind a tree and our friends jumped from the 'surprise'. Unfortunately it wasn't Jason; just the retired stuntwoman from the Gerudo desert who accidentally got her head stuck up her ass and now walks on one hand and foot that they encountered in the Dodongo's Cavern.

"THAT'S EVEN WORSE!" They all screamed.

They started running from her and she tried to keep up with them, but only walking on a hand and foot really limits a person. They hear her groaning and moaning as she tries to catch up to them, but that just creeps them out more. They finally come up to what looked like an abandoned cabin and tried to open the door.

"Hurry up open it she's coming!" Navi screamed.

Link was struggling with the doorknob "I'm trying dammit! It's locked!"

"Let's all try to ram the door open!" Sage said and they all nodded.

They all ram the door as hard as they can and it bursts open, but they weren't in an abandoned cabin. They were in some sort wheel house or in this case the bridge; like a control room on a _ship_, hint. For some strange reason the room was starting to fill up with _water_. Link looked out one of the many windows in the room and noticed there were many people running around the bow, or the front of the ship. That word kind of irritates me.

"There seems to be some sort of panic down there." Link said.

"If I'm reading this right, then the authoress is trying to hint to us that we're on the Titanic." Sage said.

"What's a Titanic?" Link asked.

"A huge ship." Linda replied.

"So?" Navi asked.

"A huge ship that's famous for _sinking_." Cheyenne said.

"Oh . . ." Link and Navi said, realizing the situation they're in.

"Being chased by a mutated Gerudo or being on a sinking ship." Stephanie said, comparing the two situations, ". . . honestly I'd rather be on the ship."

"If they had _her_ in Friday the 13th instead of Jason, that movie would've been ten times creepier." Linda said. The other animals nodded.

SUDDENLY, the door they just came through burst open and a wave of water comes rushing in. Link used his shield to bust open one of the many windows and they climbed down to the bow. They ran towards the back end of the ship trying their best to avoid running into people. At this point the front of the ship began to sink causing the back side to rise out of the water. They managed to make it to the metal railing at the tip of the poop deck (tee hee) where they hold on for dear life.

"Don't let go Jack!" They heard a woman cry. The group looks over at the woman.

"Ugh! I thought we were done with this couple!" Stephanie cried.

"Well _excuse_ me for being thrown in this un-amazing movie scenario. I mean, my costar isn't even an amazing hottie like my boyfriend back home." Malon argued.

"So Ingo's not here?" Link asked.

"Nope, just this weird guy in a mask." Malon said, motioning to the mystery man next to her, "They said I had to call him Jack."

"Jason Voorhees?!" The animals shouted. He brought out a hammer and started swinging it at our heroes.

"How many times do I have to tell you to watch out for my amazing face?!" Malon shouted before pushing Jason off the railing. Unfortunately for her, he managed to grab ahold of her arm as he was falling and took her down with him.

"That was easy." Sage said.

"Look, another log entrance thing!" Navi pointed out. They all look down towards the part of the ship that's sinking and sure enough there's a log shaped entrance about to sink with the ship.

"We have to slide down there." Link said.

"But Link, I'm scared!" Linda cried.

"Pussy . . ." Sage muttered.

"Shut up; just let me touch some ass dammit." Linda muttered back.

"It's okay, just hold on to me." Link said, not hearing what Sage and Linda said. And hold onto him she did, like super glue between two fingers; except it was more like Linda stuck to Links' ass.

With a deep breath they each let go of the railing and slid down towards the log. Just as they fall in, it began to fill up with ocean water. When they come out the other side they are finally in the Sacred Forest Meadow.

"Oh thank the Goddesses!" Navi shouted as she began kissing the ground.

"Stop doing that, it looks like you're humping the ground." Sage said.

"I don't even care! We're back where we belong!" Navi cried.

"Technically _we're_ not." Stephanie said, pointing to her and her friends.

"Who gives a shit?" Navi said.

"Kiss my ass." Linda replied.

"Let's just keep going guys; I've had enough excitement for one day." Link said as he made his way to the green maze.

"This is just the beginning." Linda said.

"That's what I was afraid of." Link sighed.

"Link, be careful when going through the maze." Navi warned.

"Wait a minute, do you hear that?" Link asked.

"Ohohohohohoho!" a strange manly voice laughed. They all looked towards the entrance to the maze and see a big muscular man . . . in a pink tutu . . . imagine those moblin guys you would normally find in the maze.

"Was this chapter written by crack heads or something?!" Navi shouted irritably.

Nope, totally clean.

* * *

**NEVER AGAIN will I try throwing them into old movies! I had a really hard time writing it, mostly because the last time i watched those movies were when I was a kid and I don't remember ANYTHING. So if there is anything wrong with those parts, I'M SORRY. Even when I went to google to help me with some minor details it was no good. For me to get the answers I was looking for I'd have to rewatch the movies!**

**Anyway, the last few pages of this ch. were frustrating and if you don't like it like I did then I don't blame you and I apologize.**

**WE'RE STAYING IN HYRULE GOD DAMMIT!**

**oh, and thank you for those who have reviewed. It means a lot to me!:D**


	15. Ch 15: Forest Chumps

After many hours of fighting their way through dancing moblins, they finally make it to the little clearing where they last saw Saria sitting on a tree stump seven years ago. Link walks up to the tree stump and stares at it miserably. The girls glance at each other before walking up to Link.

"I'm sure she's just fine Link." Stephanie reassured.

"Yeah, keep a stiff upper lip good fellow." Sage said in a British accent, "there's no way Saria would lose her life so easily when she's got a great friend like you worrying about her." She finished in her normal tone. Everyone looks at Sage with surprised expressions.

"Did you read that off of a _Hallmark_ card?" Cheyenne asked.

"I can surprise people from time to time . . . but I really do mean it." Sage said, looking up at Link sympathetically.

Link smiles and pats Sage's head "Thanks, but I think it's really just because everything is starting to sink in; Ganondorf taking over Hyrule, Zelda missing, and everyone suffering . . ." he said with a sigh.

"But you're here now." Cheyenne said.

"What if I'm too late?" Link asked.

"Link, you don't have time to worry or sulk around, the fate of Hyrule is depending on you!" Navi said.

"He's the Hero of Time! He has plenty of _time_ to sulk around or learn to play chess or hell; he can even pick his ass!" Sage shouted before turning to whisper to Cheyenne, "This must be why she has no friends." Cheyenne nods.

Linda jumps on Links' shoulder "If you feel like crying you can use me as a handkerchief." she said while rubbing against his face jokingly.

Link chuckles while waving Linda's tail away from his mouth "Thanks, but Navi's right, the faster I save Hyrule the faster things will go back to the way they were."

"But what about-" Linda started, but was interrupted by a few thuds and a loud crash. Everyone turns their attention to where the noise came from.

"Sheik . . ." Sage said dully. Sheik had fallen from a tree with his face in the ground

"Should've known." Stephanie said. Sheik begins coughing nervously and pushes himself off the ground.

"Why the hell are you dressed up as Speed Racer?" Linda asked.

"It's just another dumb costume the authoress put me in." Sheik clears his throat, "Anyway, I came here to teach Link a song."

"What kind of song?" Link asked.

"A teleporting song; if you play this song then you'll be teleported back to that platform over there." Sheik said, motioning to the platform.

"Sounds useful; teach it to me." Link said.

"Before you do, tell us where Chim-Chim is." Sage said.

"And where the Mach 5 is." Linda added.

"Look, I don't know anything about the costumes the authoress makes me wear okay? I think she just makes me wear them to make me look like an idiot." Sheik said.

"She didn't have to put you in costumes to do that." Linda said.

"You know what I just realized?" Cheyenne said.

"What?" Sage asked.

"I haven't done a 'this is glaring at me' joke for some time." Cheyenne said.

"That's true, why don't you do one right now?" Stephanie asked.

"Um . . . Sheik is . . ." Cheyenne said, trying to think of something to say, "no it's not going to work here." She shook her head.

"There will be a chance where you can say your lame ass joke again; and when you do the angels will sing to the heavens while playing Uno and eating deviled eggs!" Sage said.

"Deviled eggs are nasty." Stephanie stated.

"Are my jokes really that lame?" Cheyenne asked a little hurt.

They suddenly heard Link playing his ocarina and turned to see Sheik playing along with a handheld harp. After Link memorizes the song Sheik nods his head in approval. Link smiles and opens his mouth to say something but Sheik unties the red bandana he had around his neck and throws it at Link's face. Link pulls the bandana off his face only to see Sheik running away.

"Well I'm thoroughly confused." Link stated.

"Bitch, you better bring Chim-Chim with you next time!" Sage shouted to Sheik.

"Now that we have the song it's time to go into the forest temple." Linda said.

"Sure, but how do I get in there?" Link asked.

"Use the hook shot you got from Dampe to latch on to that tree and it's right through that doorway." Linda explained while pointing to the tree then the doorway.

Link nods and pulls out the hook shot. He stares at it for a while trying to figure out how it works. Then he points it at the tree branch, launches it, and he's pulled to the tree when it latches on. Cheyenne and Stephanie fly to him while Sage and Linda just climb the vines on the decrepit building.

When they go through the doorway they're suddenly attacked by two wolfos! Link brings out his sword and shield just as a woflos takes a swipe at him.

"Stab him in the gut!" Linda shouted.

"Cut his face off!" Cheyenne shouted.

"Why does this battle have to be something gruesome? I mean, it's only a wolfos." Navi said.

"And that is why _you're_ not the Hero of Time." Linda said.

"It's also why _you're_ not the Hero of Time either." Navi said irritably.

"The more you talk, the more I want to eat you, but then realize you taste like shit and spit your pasty white ass back out." Linda said.

"Can't you think of anything else besides eating? Your fat ass is an embarrassment to raccoons everywhere." Navi said.

"And you're an embarrassment to dust bunnies everywhere." Linda replied. They hear a piercing howl and turn to Link who just killed the wolfos.

"I guess we go inside now." Link said, out of breath.

Stephanie looks around "Where the hell did the other wolf thing go?"

"Oh, as I was fighting that one wolfos, the other one tripped over a tree root, fell, and hit its head on the wall." Link explained.

"The Wolfos here are smart." Sage said sarcastically.

"You need to get the key that's on top of that tree." Linda said while pointing at said tree.

Link looks towards the top of the tree and groans "Who would put a key up there?"

"Quit your bitching and go get it." Sage said.

The girls watch as Link hook shots his way to the top of the tree. When he gets there he notices a small chest and goes to it. He kneels down to open it but just as his fingers touch the lid, it bursts open! He jerks back in surprise as a jack-in-the-box clown character pops out of the chest.

The clown character chuckles "So you think you can take my key, do ya?" he asked in a squeaky voice.

"Look, I don't want to cause any trouble. I just need the key so I can . . . actually I'm not sure _what_ I'll be using the key for." Link said.

The clown character looks at Link like he's an idiot "So you can open locked doors in the temple."

"There are locked doors in the temple?" Link asked.

The clown character rolls his eyes "Of course you idiot, why wouldn't there be?"

"Well normally when you think of a temple you think of a place where someone goes to worship the Goddesses or something, right?" Link asked. The clown character nodded. "Then why would you lock the door? What if someone wanted to go worship late at night? They wouldn't be able to get in."

"You don't go to this temple to worship!" The clown character said.

"Then why call it a temple? If there is no religious practice of any kind going on here, why is it called a temple?" Link asked.

"It's where the sages' come and pray to the Goddesses!" The clown character shouted.

"Well why didn't you say that in the first place?" Link asked.

"Because I just made it up!" The clown character shouted.

"So there isn't any worshiping going on here?" Link asked.

The clown character roars in frustration before rummaging around the treasure chest for the key "You know what, you little questioning son of a bitch," he throws the key at Link's face, "just take the damn key! Take it and don't come back here!" he grabs the chest lid and slams it shut.

Link shrugs then grabs the small key and climbs down to where his friends are.

"Did you get it?" Stephanie asked. Link shows them the small key.

"Yay, Link's first small key!" Linda sang.

"I'm sure it's very exciting." Cheyenne said dully.

"Sure, but I still don't understand why there are locked doors-" Link spoke.

"No, no, no, and NO! We heard you arguing with whatever was up there and we're not having it. Now get your ass inside the temple." Sage said. Link grumbled to himself, but headed into the temple anyway.

When they went in they were inside a small corridor. As they walked further in, a ferocious man-eating skulltula descended from the ceiling! But Link easily got rid of it by shooting it with his hook shot. They open the door to the main room where they see four brightly lit torches surrounding a weird platform thing. As they got closer, the four torch fires turn into four different colored ghostly figures; purple, red, blue, and green. They all laughed and flipped Link off before disappearing into the walls. As they disappeared, the platform in the middle of the torches went into the ground.

"Those things were kind of rude." Link stated.

"Annoying too." Cheyenne added.

"Why did that platform thing go underground?" Navi asked.

"Because gravity's a bitch." Sage replied.

"That doesn't explain much." Navi said.

"Good, I didn't want it to." Sage said.

"Are we supposed to go through that door?" Link asked, pointing to the door on top of the stone staircase opposite to them.

"Yes, but this time, let's stick together." Linda said.

"Now that you mention it, we normally do end up separating when we enter dungeons and whatnot." Stephanie said.

"I don't particularly mind." Navi said.

"That's because you always end up with Link." Linda pouted.

"I have to, I'm his guide." Navi said.

"Pretty shitty guide if you ask me." Linda muttered.

"Well it's a good thing I didn't ask you." Navi said.

They walk up the staircase and Link opens the door. They come to another small corridor where they encounter a blue bubble, or those floating skulls surrounded by blue fire. It charges at Link, but Link brings his shield up and it bounces off. The blue flame goes out and the skull is left defenseless. Link cuts the skull in half with his sword and our heroes continue on. It was empty in the next room they entered; just two pots on the opposite wall to them. Link took a step forward and two Stalfos suddenly pop out of the ground; everyone jumps in surprise.

"Son of bitch that scared me." Cheyenne said.

"I think I'm actually getting used to all these random monsters popping out of nowhere." Stephanie declared happily, "I didn't feel like pooping myself this time."

Link takes a fighting stance and one of the Stalfos jumps at him. Link rolls out of the way and the Stalfos lands in front of the animals. It looks down at them and yells out a nasty war cry. Link slashes it in the back and after losing some back bones (:D), it turns around to continue the battle.

"Well, now I feel like pooping myself." Stephanie said, quivering.

"These Stalfos smell bad." Sage said.

"They _are_ dead." Linda replied. She turns to Cheyenne and notices her cowering on the floor, "Are you going to be able to make it through the rest of the temple Cheyenne?" she asked. Sage and Stephanie look over at Cheyenne.

"Their eyes," Cheyenne peeped, "Their _glaring_ eyes . . ."

"Hey you found a good time to make a 'glaring at me' joke, good for you." Linda said, patting Cheyenne's wing.

"Uno and deviled eggs for everyone." Sage said.

"Ew . . ." Stephanie responded.

"It's like they want to kill my family and take what's left of my _Captain Crunch_ cereal. . ." Cheyenne said as she goes into the fetal position, "and when they finish throwing out all my potted plants they'll tear out my cute teddy bear wallpaper." She said then began to cry.

"Cheyenne . . ." Sage says as she puts a comforting hand on Cheyenne's wing, "I _seriously_ want to know where you're getting these drugs."

"Yeah man, share the wealth." Linda said.

Stephanie glares at her friends "Can't you see she's seriously bothered by those Stalfos things?! She must be in a great deal of shock that her brain is making up these half-baked stories!"

"Like half-baked cookies?" Linda asked.

"Just more outrageous." Sage replied.

"Half-baked cake?" Linda asked.

"More like . . . a half-baked pizza with asparagus." Sage replied.

"Ooooh." Linda said and nodding her head in understanding.

"Sometimes I think _you_ guys are on drugs." Stephanie said, displeased.

They look over and see Link deliver the final blow to the second Stalfos. After the stalfos's remains disappear into thin air a treasure chest appears . . . out of thin air. Link opens it and pulls out another small key.

"Why do I need another one of these?" Link asks.

"Probably because there's more than one locked door." Navi replied.

"Why are they locking so many doors in one temple?!" Link asked, a little frustrated.

"Because they know it pisses you off." Sage replied.

"Just don't let it get to you Link." Navi said. Link nods.

"Here Cheyenne, you can ride on my back until you're feeling better." Stephanie said. Cheyenne climbs on to Stephanie's back.

"Onward!" Linda shouted, pointing to the only door leading out of the room.

They made their way back to the main room and climbed the stone staircase to the right of them; which had a locked door at the end. Link unlocked the door and they continued into another corridor with a big skulltula hanging from the ceiling. After easily getting rid of it they go into the next room; the one where you push the huge red and green blocks in the direction of where the arrows on the ground point to.

Just as Link shuts the door behind him a blue bubble comes floating towards them. Link readies his sword and shield, but the bubble is suddenly shot with an arrow and turns into a pile of ash. The group stares blankly at what used to be the blue bubble.

"Uh . . ." Stephanie spoke.

"No need for your applause . . . or your panties!" a girly voice shouted before snort laughing.

The animals cringe at the sound of the annoying pig-like laugh. They all look to their right where they see Kris standing on a small ledge.

"Hey, you're that pig we saw seven years ago." Navi said.

"Actually we met once or twice after you and Link went into the Sacred Realm." Cheyenne said.

"I can't say we really enjoyed her company though." Stephanie added.

"ENOUGH!" Kris shouted, causing everyone to jump "I just came here to rid Link of his tumors!" The animals look up at Link questionably and he shrugs.

"I think you got the wrong Link." Sage said.

"Yeah, if Link had a tumor I'd be the first to know because I make everything about him _my_ business." Linda said.

"Oh _please_ . . ." Navi muttered.

Link scratches the back of his head "So . . . how exactly did you want to get rid of my imaginary tumors?"

"Like this!" Kris shouted as light energy balls started forming in her two upper pig feet. She begins throwing energy balls at the animals and chasing them around the room.

"My tail!" Linda shouted as an energy ball grazes the tip of her tail.

"You bitch! What the hell?!" Sage shouted.

Kris laughs maniacally "What, afraid I'm going to kick your ass again?!" Stephanie and Cheyenne fly up behind her and tackle her to the ground.

"Not as long as _you're_ the one being outnumbered this time!" Cheyenne yelled. The animal's dog pile Kris.

"Get off me you pecker heads!" Kris said as she struggled against the weight of the other animals.

"Consider this payback for kidnapping Kayla and _Sean_!" Sage said before giving Kris a wet-willy.

"AAH! IT BURNS!" Kris screamed.

The animals start pulling Kris's tail, flicking her nose, or using her as a trampoline. Kris is huddled on the ground yelling for them to stop. They finally stop when Link comes over and pulls them away from her.

"Stop acting like a bunch of little kids! We're not here to play games!" Navi screamed.

"Navi's right, "Link says as he helps Kris off the ground, "If you just came here to cause trouble for my friends, it is better if you leave. I don't want you guys getting hurt more then you already are."

"But Link she's-" Linda tried to protest.

"I don't care if she's Ganondorf's daughter, she's obviously not that much of a threat so you either get along or go wait for me outside the temple." Link lectured. Linda frowns, but nods anyway.

"How did you know I was Ganondorf's daughter?" Kris asked.

"Rauru told me while I was in the Sacred Realm." Link answered.

"And you're okay with having me around?" Kris asked; a little surprised.

"Don't get me wrong, I'll be watching you very carefully if you decide to come along with us, but if you don't cause any trouble we'll be fine." Link said.

Kris looks at Link endearingly "That's the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me."

"It is?" They all said in unison.

"Yeah . . . it makes me feel a little guilty to do THIS!" Kris said as she brought out a small remote control and pressed a big red button. They hear a cage door swing open from somewhere on the ceiling. They all look up and see a group of wall Masters falling down towards them.

"What are those things?" Link asked.

"Wall Masters, whatever you do, don't let them grab-" Sage said, but was interrupted by Link's screaming and being grabbed by a Wall Master, "-you . . . never mind then."

"AH! What are you doing you idiots?!" Kris screamed as one of the Wall Masters grabbed her and was dragging her away.

"That's what you get you dumb bi-" Cheyenne shouted until she was also grabbed by one of the Wall Masters, "AAH! Let me go!"

"I'll save you Chey- Oh you son of a bitch let me go!" Sage screamed as she was also carried away.

It wasn't long before all our heroes were picked up and carried to random parts of the temple! Who didn't see this coming?!

*Link and Navi*

They were thrown into the room where Link must fight three Stalfos to get the bow and quiver. Besides a hole in the floor that gets filled by a falling platform and a timed fighting sequence not much went on.

*Cheyenne*

She was thrown into the roulette room before the boss room. Unfortunately she was stuck there because the elevator wouldn't work unless the ghost flames were in place. So she basically just sat there hoping somebody will show up some time soon.

"I _said,_ let me go!" Kris's voice echoed throughout the stone room.

Cheyenne flew to the top of one of the stone . . . I guess you could call them turning devices since they spin the room. Cheyenne keeps herself out of view from Kris and the Wall Master that brought her in. She couldn't understand how Kris or the Wall Master could communicate, but I guess Kris understood sign language and the Wall Master understood English. The Wall Master signed something to Kris and she looked even more pissed.

"_He's_ the one that sent me here! Why am I being punished for doing what he told me to do?!" Kris shouted.

The Wall Master ignored Kris and disappeared into a nearby wall, leaving her and Cheyenne alone. Kris kicked the elevator in frustration and sat down. Cheyenne looked down at Kris, wondering how long she was going to be stuck in here with her. As she stood up her wing brushed against a small rock causing it to roll off the stone turning device and catch Kris's attention. Kris snapped her head up to where Cheyenne stood.

"Um . . . Hi . . ." Cheyenne said nervously.

*Sage*

She was dropped into the room with the checkerboard floor and falling ceiling. With no weapon she wasn't able to kill the big skulltula's hanging from the ceiling, and with no long legs she wasn't able to run to the other side of the room. Even if she managed to get to the other side she would have to step on a switch to open the barred door; which she wasn't heavy enough to do. So unfortunately she had to resort to doing nothing but sitting there as well . . . go figure.

"I hate this chapter . . ." Sage mumbled. :P

*Linda*

She was dropped in the garden area where the well and ruins are. She's been fighting with the deku baba next to the door leading the way out and with the octorok that was in the small pond. Nothing like a good game of Go Fish!

"Do you have any King's?" The Octorok asked Linda.

"Go fish." Linda responded.

"Don't lie to me! I know your bluffing face!" The Octorok shouted.

"Get your head out your ass, I don't have any." Linda said.

"What'd you say you little-" The Octorok said as he tried reaching over to grab Linda, but the deku baba held him back with one of its leaves.

"Just calm down Jeff, if she says she doesn't have the card then she doesn't have the card." The deku baba said.

"Don't tell _me_ to calm down! This little butt munch is lying and I know it!" The Octorok shouted.

"Now there's no need for harsh name calling, if you just take a deep breath and give your nerves some time to cool down you'll come to see that you're overreacting." The deku baba explained.

"You know what, F**k this game, I'm done!" The Octorok shouted before throwing his cards down, "I'M DONE!" he disappears under the water.

The deku baba shakes his head "I'm sorry, he gets like that sometimes."

"It's cool; we all get angry for no reason sometimes." Linda said with a smile, "So . . . got any King's?"

*Stephanie*

She was thrown into the blue poe's room, I believe her name is Beth. For a while, Stephanie tried opening both doors in this area, but couldn't because she doesn't have opposable thumbs. When she gave up she decided to try talking to Beth, but every time Stephanie would get close to one of the picture frames Beth was in she would disappear into another picture. When she gave up doing that she just settled down next to the door at the bottom of the stairs. Of course, that didn't stop Beth from messing with her.

"Psst . . . Psst . . . Hey you." Beth whispered. Stephanie ignored her, "hey bird brain . . . Psst . . . what do you call a fly with no wings . . . A walk." Beth giggled.

Stephanie sighed in frustration "Just go back to one of those picture framed and leave me alone!"

"Oooh . . . you made bro?" Beth asked.

"Go away!" Stephanie shouted.

"I was tormented by a ghost once." Beth whispered.

"What?" Stephanie asked, sort of confused.

"Until I sent her to hell!" Beth said then giggled again.

". . . Did you even try on that one?" Stephanie asked.

Yeah, that joke kind of sucked." Beth said, looking at the ground in shame.

"Oh, I got one," Stephanie chimed, "Why was the skeleton looking sad at the dance party? Because he had no BODY to dance with!" Stephanie said before laughing hysterically.

"I think we both need to learn better jokes . . ." Beth said.

"Whatever, that joke was funny and you know it." Stephanie said.

"Like hell it was, I didn't even crack a smile." Beth said.

"Well you can just go straight to hell then." Stephanie said.

"At least it'd be more fun than listening to your lame jokes." Beth said.

"Just go back to your picture frame; I didn't want to talk to you in the first place." Stephanie said.

Beth frowned then turned toward the stairs and started floating away. She sighed and turned back towards Stephanie "I'm sorry . . ." she said miserably.

Stephanie looked at Beth ". . . Yeah, me too. Sorry . . ."

"Friends?" Beth asked.

Stephanie smiled and nodded "The best."

They start walking to each other to share a hug until Beth is suddenly shot with an arrow and bursts into flames. Stephanie gasps and turns to the direction the arrow came from.

* * *

**I was hoping to get the forest temple plot all in one chapter, but I guess not. Oh well . . . . okay bye. :D**


	16. Ch 16: Hey sista, Poe sista

"Link!" Stephanie shouted happily.

"Are you okay?" Link asked, putting his newly obtained bow away.

Stephanie looks at the flame that used to be Beth then turns back to Link with a smile "Yeah, she was annoying me anyway."

"_She_?" Link asked.

"That ghost thing you just shot and killed." Stephanie said.

"That was a ghost?" Link asked. Stephanie and Navi give Link a displeased look.

"What exactly did you think it was?" Navi asked.

"I didn't even see it; I was just shooting my bow." Link said.

"Why?" Navi asked.

Link shrugged "It seemed like a good time to test it out."

"What if you had hit me?!" Stephanie asked, kind of irritated.

"I would have apologized." Link said. Stephanie glared at him.

"Do you know where the other idiots are?" Navi asked Stephanie.

"The only idiot I see is _you_." Stephanie said irritably.

"Geez, are you turning into Linda or Sage?" Navi asked, surprised.

"No, but you called _me_ an idiot so I just defended myself." Stephanie said.

"Oh, sorry, I've had the urge to insult someone for thirty minutes but no one to insult." Navi said.

*Cheyenne and Kris*

Kris is sitting next to the elevator while Cheyenne sat against one of the stone turning devices. Kris found a twig and has been poking at the ground with it for about twenty minutes. Cheyenne was rocking back and forth while shaking rather violently.

"Find your happy place, find your happy place, find your _god damn_ happy place." Cheyenne muttered to herself.

Kris stops poking at the ground to look at Cheyenne's shaking body. She sighs and tosses the twig to the side "Look, I'm not going to do anything. I'm being locked down here just like you."

Cheyenne stops moving and looks over at Kris "What are you talking about?"

Kris looks at Cheyenne like she's an idiot "Aren't you acting all freaky and paranoid because it's just the two of us?"

"No, I tend to get like this when I think about pictures." Cheyenne explained.

". . . What?" Kris asked, confused.

"A lot of people in my family glare at the camera when they get their picture taken. So unfortunately I spent half of my childhood staring at unfriendly pictures that still haunt me to this day." Cheyenne said.

"That explains a lot . . . and yet I feel like it doesn't." Kris said.

"I could care less about us being in the same room, because you never fight alone so that tells me you're a pussy," Cheyenne spoke; Kris glared at her, "but I know there's mostly going to be an awkward silence while we're here."

"That's not true!" Kris said, kind of offended.

"We've been sitting here for twenty minutes doing and _saying_ nothing." Cheyenne pointed out.

"If you want to know something all you have to do is ask." Kris said.

"Okay . . ." Cheyenne said, thinking of what to ask. "So . . . what's your mom like?"

"Geez, jumping right into the personal stuff aren't we?" Kris asked.

"No point in acting like I'm interested in anything else." Cheyenne said with a shrug.

Kris scratches the back of her head "Well . . . She's not around here anymore."

"Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't think about that when I asked." Cheyenne said.

"No, you misunderstood; she's alive, she's just not here in Hyrule anymore." Kris said.

"Where is she then?" Cheyenne asked.

". . . Kansas." Kris said hesitantly.

"Like . . . in America?" Cheyenne asked, surprised and confused. Kris nods her head. "But if you and your dad are here and your mom is in Kentucky-"

"Kansas" Kris corrected.

"Then why are you all animals?! Does that mean you know _we're_ from America?! Or that we're not really animals?! Are _you_ guys really human too?! Is the end of the world really going to happen?!" Cheyenne asked in a panic while flailing her wings around. Kris slaps her across the beak and she is brought back to her senses.

"Just calm down! With everything that's happened to you so far, is this small bit of information _really_ the most shocking?" Kris asked.

Cheyenne blankly stares at the ceiling for a second then looks back at Kris "Yes, actually it is the most shocking."

Kris rolls her eyes "Well, just know that we're not . . . exactly what you think we are." She finished with a soft tone.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Cheyenne asked.

*Sage*

Sage has just been sitting around the checkerboard room waiting for Link to come and get her. At one point she started throwing stones at the skulltula hanging from the ceiling, but quickly got bored doing that. Finally the door opens and Sage's ears perk up. She looks over and sees Link walk in.

"Link! Thank God you're here! I'm about to go crazy out of my mind with boredom!" Sage yelled while running towards him. Link looked at the oncoming Sage with an odd stare. "What; is there something on my face?" Sage asked.

"Who are you?" Link asked.

Sage glared at Link "Did you fall and hit your head on a rock or something? How the hell could you forget me?! If this is some sick joke I'm not laughing!"

"I'm not joking; I have no idea who you are." Link said indifferently.

"Did Navi put you up to this?!" Sage asked while looking around for Navi, "speaking of which, where is Navi?"

"Who's Navi?" Link asked.

Sage stares blankly at Link "Okay, this is getting kind of weird."

"You're telling me." Link agreed.

Sage scratches the back of her head "Well, do you remember why you're here?"

"To take Kris back to the castle." Link replied.

"If Linda heard you say that she'd . . ." Sage paused and looked up at Link; getting a good look at him. "_Sean_?"

"Yeah . . .?" Lin-_Sean_ responded.

"Holy shit it really is you!" Sage said happily, "What have you been doing this whole time?!"

_Sean_ gave Sage an odd look "I still don't even know who you are."

"I guess those bastards brainwashed you." Sage mumbled, "But at least your speech has improved."

"What are you talking about?" _Sean_ asked.

"_Sean_, what I'm about to tell you may come as a shock, but it's true and you should believe me cause it's true and I'm not lying cause it's true." Sage babbled.

"Okay . . ." _Sean_ said, confused.

"You were created from my friends' hair in a lab next to Lake Hylia. When you were made you couldn't talk and while we were in the middle of your speaking lesson you were kidnapped by Kris." Sage explained.

_Sean_ stares blankly at Sage ". . . and you expect me to believe this?"

". . . Yes" Sage replied irritably. _Sean_ bursts out laughing and Sage gets annoyed, "It's the truth!"

"Like hell it is; and anyway, why would I believe someone I don't even know?" _Sean_ said with a nasty attitude.

"It's the truth! I can prove it too! Just follow me and I can show you!" Sage said while stomping towards the door on the other side.

"Hold it!" _Sean_ said.

"What?!" Sage asked irritably; turning towards _Sean_.

"I guess if you _want_ to get squashed like a bug then by all means, keep walking." Sean said in a sarcastic tone. The ceiling falls to the ground and slowly lifts itself back up again.

"Heh . . ." Sage chuckled nervously.

"I'll humor you and follow you around so I can see if you're lying or not. Maybe I'll find Kris along the way." _Sean_ said. He walks over to Sage and lifts her up on his shoulder. "Just tell me where we're going."

"Well for starters," Sage spoke, "do you have a bow or some sort of weapon?"

"I have a bow and other sorts of weapons." _Sean_ replied.

"Good, then shoot those damn things down." Sage said as she pointed to the skulltulas on the ceiling.

"Not even a _please_ or _thank you_?" _Sean_ said in a mocking tone.

"Keep talking like that and you'll also forget the _meaning_ of please and thank you." Sage said in the same tone.

After _Sean_ shoots down the skulltulas, they make their way to the other side of the checkerboard room. They step on the switch that opens the door and go through it. In the next room there are five square shaped shadows on the floor and a big picture of one of the Poe sisters, Amy, on the wall to their left.

"Are we supposed to be here?" _Sean_ asked.

"I can't say we're _wanted_ here, but yes, we are." Sage replied.

"That door's barred shut." _Sean_ pointed out; referring to the door on their right.

"Yeah, you have to shoot that picture with an arrow then put the puzzle together. And if _that's_ not annoying enough for you, you also have to fight the Poe that comes out of the picture frame for the door to open." Sage explained.

"That seems more of a pain in the ass than it's worth." _Sean_ said indifferently, "You want to do it?"

"Sure, let me get my _rat_ sized bow so I can shoot the picture frame." Sage said sarcastically.

_Sean_ chuckled "All right, calm down, I figured you'd respond that way." He spoke as he walks over to the barred door and puts Sage on the ground, "just don't get in the way."

Sage watches as _Sean_ shoots the picture and the blocks fall to the ground. Then she proceeds to watch _Sean's_ muscles flex as he pushes and pulls the blocks into place. "Damn . . . nice _ass_ . . ." Sage said, obviously liking what she's seeing. After a while she comes back to her senses and tries to look elsewhere "Geez, I'm turning into a pervert . . . but I just can't look away." She says as her eyes are glued to _Sean's_ ass.

After the blocks are put in place, Amy comes out of the picture frame! She starts charging at _Sean_, but stops for some reason and gives him a seductive look.

"Hey big boy," Amy said with a wink, "did you come to visit little old me?"

"Um . . . not particularly." _Sean_ replied, confused and a little grossed out.

Amy giggles "Why don't you come into my picture frame over there and have some fun?"

_Sean_ gives Amy a disgusted look "No, a hundred times _no_, you're dead and I'm no necrophiliac or spectrophiliac, whatever you call it."

Amy pouts as she flies up to _Sean_ "Aww, don't be that way . . ." she rests her head on his chest and begins tracing circles on his arm with her index finger, "I won't bite."

_Sean_ tries to push her away, but his hands go right through her "This is disgusting, get off me!"

"Noooo!" Amy cried while clinging on to _Sean_.

Sage watched Amy chases _Sean_ around the room. She gets tired of watching them after a while then sighs and walks over to them.

"_Sean_, you know you can just shoot her with your bow right?" Sage pointed out.

_Sean_ realized Sage was right and quickly brought his bow out to shoot Amy. Amy pleads for mercy, also trying to seduce _Sean_ at the same time, but he happily shoots her anyway. She screeches then bursts into flames and the torch next to the barred door is lit. The bars blocking the door suddenly disappear!

"See what can happen when you put your mind to it!" Sage chimed.

"Push blocks around to summon some horny ghost so we can get into the next room? Not the best of deals I've been offered but I guess." _Sean_ said.

"It could be worse." Sage pointed out.

"In all my life I've never been molested by a ghost." _Sean_ said.

"Well, stick with me and you might get molested by a raccoon." Sage said. _Sean_ gives her an odd look and she shrugs, "I'm just saying . . ."

They exit the room and end up back in the main room, but this time there's another Poe sister waiting for them by the four torches. I believe her name is Meg.

_Sean_ groans "Not another one . . ."

"Unfortunately yes, hopefully she's not a cougar and will keep her dead hands off you." Sage said.

"Me too." _Sean_ said.

"But if she _does_ decide to grab your ass, I'm not helping. She creeps me out a little." Sage said.

"Maybe we won't have to deal with her." _Sean_ said.

"What do you mean?" Sage asked.

Sean pulls out his bow and shoots Meg. The arrow hits her in the right eye and she screeches. She clutches her eye and tries to remove the arrow. Sage and _Sean_ watch with disgust as Meg quickly pulls the arrow out and weird ghost puss spews out of her eye.

"SON OF A BITCH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU BASTARD?!" Meg cried.

"Um . . . sorry . . . I didn't want to get close to you." _Sean_ replied.

"WHY DON'T YOU GROW A PAIR OF BALLS AND COME FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN?!" Meg yelled as she tries to stop her eye from bleeding.

"Well . . . because if I did try to fight you, my fists would just go through you." _Sean_ pointed out.

"COWARD!" Meg shouted.

"Oh get over it, you're dead anyway." _Sean_ said while rolling his eyes.

"Watch out!" Sage shouted.

While _Sean_ was busy giving a sarcastic remark and rolling his eyes, Meg powered up some energy ball and threw it at them. Luckily _Sean_ was able to grab Sage and jump out of the way just in time.

*Cheyenne and Kris*

After their last conversation, they've just been sitting beside each other in awkward silence. That is, until they heard a huge explosion coming from above them.

"What the hell was that?" Kris asked.

"Something either Linda or Sage caused." Cheyenne replied.

The elevator started going up so they backed away from it. A few minutes later the elevator started coming back down. Kris and Cheyenne look at each other nervously. The elevator reaches the ground then _Sean_ and Sage walk off it.

"_Sean_?!" Kris asked in surprise.

"Sage!" Cheyenne said happily.

"Cheyenne!" Sage said, also happy.

"Link!" Cheyenne said happily.

"Sean." _Sean_ corrected.

"_Sean_?" Cheyenne said questionably. _Sean_ nodded and Cheyenne looked at Sage.

"We bumped into each other earlier and decided to help each other out a little." Sage explained.

"No, _she_ told me some crack head theory about me being created in a laboratory, so to see if she was telling the truth I followed her here." _Sean_ said.

"Yeah, well I guess that's true too." Sage said.

"But _Sean_, you _were_ created in a laboratory . . . or, outside a laboratory." Cheyenne said.

_Sean_ glares at Cheyenne "I'm still waiting for the proof to back that theory up."

Cheyenne hides behind Sage "He's glaring at me . . ."

"Just wait here until your proof comes, then you'll see that we're telling the truth." Sage said.

"I don't think so!" Kris chimed in, "We're very busy so we don't have time to listen to your stupid folktales!"

"We're not talking about some damn folktale! You kidnapped _Sean_ and brainwashed him, and now you're trying to keep him from knowing the truth!" Sage argued.

"You don't know!" Kris shouted.

"Yes I do you dumb bitch! I was there when you kidnapped him _and_ Kayla!" Sage shouted.

"Oh you mean that time when I kicked your ass?" Kris asked.

"You better stop acting all high and mighty about that unfair fight." Sage warned.

"You want to talk about unfair? What about the fight at the temple of time where you and your three friends ganged up on me?!" Kris shouted.

"We were defending our friend-" Sage started.

"Shut up, both of you!" _Sean_ interjected, "why the hell am I the one having to take care of all these damn animals?! I'm tired of listening to each and every one of you! I'm leaving." He says as he suddenly waves his hand and a black hole appears in front of him. He gives the animals one last irritated glance before walking through it. The black hole begins to close and Kris jumps in. Sage and Cheyenne stare in awe as the hole completely disappears.

Sage was the first to snap back to reality "Son of a bitch! He didn't even stay to see Link!"

"What would showing him Link prove that he was made in a laboratory?" Cheyenne asked.

"Well I figured if he saw Link and realized they look almost identical then he would consider that I might be right." Sage explained.

"Or think that you're some crazy stalker that styled a man to look almost _exactly_ like him." Cheyenne added.

" . . . I guess that's true." Sage agreed, "But I wouldn't waste my time styling someone after Link; that's more of something Linda would do." Cheyenne nodded.

*Link, Navi and Stephanie*

After getting lost many times, they finally make it back to the main room. But they noticed something was a little off; there was a huge hole in one of the staircases, the four torches were lit, and the elevator was back up.

"I guess we consider this a _good_ thing?" Link asked.

"Why not? I mean, I don't even know what's going on." Stephanie said.

"Let's just see where that platform takes us." Navi said.

"What if we're taken to hell or something?" Stephanie asked.

"Nah, that's just the place where you fight the boss that's terrorizing this temple." A familiar voice said. They all look to where the voice is coming from and see Linda sitting on the stone railing of the staircase they're standing on.

"There you are! We've been looking for you!" Link said happily.

"Really?!" Linda said with a sparkle in her eye.

"More like, we got lost multiple times and kept an eye out for you just in case you showed up." Stephanie corrected.

"I'll take that as a yes." Linda said, still having that sparkle in her eye.

"I thought it was very peaceful without you around." Navi stated.

"Yeah, the air was calmer and less bitch-tacular without you around." Linda said.

"So where _have_ you been?" Stephanie asked.

"Nowhere in particular; just stealing some rupees from poor Octoroks and deku babas. You know, the usual." Linda said, waving off the subject.

"You didn't cause too much trouble did you?" Link asked.

"Nah, well, a little, but not like _that_." Linda replied, motioning to the hole in the staircase.

"Then I'm assuming Sage had something to do with this." Navi said irritably.

"And if we're lucky, Cheyenne is with her and they already went down the elevator thing." Linda added.

"Well, there's only one way to find out." Link said.

They walk over to the elevator and ride it down. Sure enough, Sage and Cheyenne were waiting for them down below. Unfortunately, they didn't exactly look happy to see their returning friends.

"Why couldn't you have come ten minutes ago?" Sage asked irritably.

"Because I didn't even know where we _were_ ten minutes ago." Link said.

"Can't you just be happy we're safe?" Navi asked.

"Of course I'm happy! Well, _you're_ the exception." Sage said, referring to Navi, "but if you guys came ten minutes earlier I would've been happier."

"What are you talking about?" Stephanie asked.

" . . . Nothing, just . . . nothing." Sage said, her spirit crushed. The group that didn't see _Sean_ looked at each other questionably.

"Why don't we just continue on?" Cheyenne suggested, "Now that Link's here we can get to the boss room."

"Oh okay, what do you want me to do?" Link asked.

"Move these huge stone thing-a-ma-bobs around and after a while you'll eventually open the way to the boss room." Linda explained.

Link nods, but when he sees how heavy they look he gets a little nervous. He walks up to one of the turning devices and pushes it as hard as he can. It surprisingly didn't weigh that much to him and moved around the room rather quickly. After some pushing and pulling he found the hallway to the boss room.

"Link, before you go in there I just want to tell you how proud I am that you got this far." Navi said in a motherly tone.

"But . . . I got lost." Link pointed out.

"But you went through the temple all on your own and I couldn't be happier." Navi said.

"He only killed two of the four Poe sisters." Sage said.

Navi glares at Sage "I didn't ask _you_."

"But it's true!" Sage said.

"That doesn't change the fact that you weren't asked for your opinion." Navi said irritably.

"It's not an _opinion_, it's a fact." Sage said.

"Anyway," Link interjected, "The important thing is we _all_ got this far with only minor injuries, and we're _this_ close to finding Saria."

"Yeah . . ." Sage and Linda said nervously. There was a strange silence afterwards.

"Let's go cure cancer!" Linda said as she began walking to the boss door while a fist in the air.

Link unlocked the door with the boss key he found somewhere in the temple. They go inside and after climbing a few steps they come to this strange circular arena that has picture frames surrounding it. Navi flies up to one of the paintings and inspects it.

"This piece of art is exquisite." Navi stated.

"It's a picture of a creepy forest with a creepy house in the background." Sage said.

"Who says 'exquisite' anymore?" Linda asked in a mocking tone.

"Shut up, both of you." Navi demanded irritably.

They suddenly hear a strange noise and turn around. Their only way out was now blocked off by some strange bars with spear heads! Link readies his sword and shield when they hear a low, husky, sinister laugh. One of the pictures begins to glow a strange purple tint. Everyone glances at each other nervously before staring intently at the picture. Suddenly, a man in black armor riding on a baboon flew out of the picture!

"ONE! Just ONE normal boss battle is all I ask!" Sage shouted.

"You got a problem with my baboon?!" The man in black armor asked irritably.

"His ass is _so_ pink." Cheyenne said in disgust.

"Stop looking at his ass!" The man in black armor shouted.

"Forgetting the monkey; what are we supposed to do now?" Link asked.

"You're supposed to fight me." The man in black armor said.

"While you're riding that monkey?" Link asked. The animals started snickering.

"I _prefer_ fighting while riding my monkey." The man in black said menacingly. The animals had a hard time keeping their laughter in at this point.

The man in black armor commands the baboon to jump back into one of the picture frames. A few second later the group sees two of him starting to run out of two frames. Link readies his bow to shoot one of them. Link shoots an arrow when the man in black armor jumps out, but accidentally misses.

"You can do it Link!" Linda shouted.

"You'll get him next time." Stephanie said.

The man in black armor glares at the animals "I could use some encouragement too you know!"

"We're not on your side though." Sage said.

"But still . . . it would be nice to hear some words of encouragement from time to time." The man in black armor said sadly.

"No." The animals said flatly.

"Screw you!" the man in black armor shouted.

His baboon is suddenly shot in the ass with an arrow. He screeches and starts running around the room like a psychopath. The man in black armor holds on as he's flung around like a bean bag. Finally the baboon stops when he trips over himself and rolls into a wall. The impact caused two of the picture frames to fall off the wall and one of them hit the man in black armor in the head!

"I think I won." Link stated triumphantly.

"Nope . . . I'm still alive!" the man in black armor said mockingly. I'm just going to call him 'the man' from now on.

"Oh . . ." Link muttered.

"You only _wish_ that did me in!" the man in black armor said, kind of dazed, "When I was young we were taught to take hits like a champ! We were also told that we were only allowed one bar of soap a year. Then after my daddy left we were only allowed half a bar . . ." after thinking for a while the man started crying.

"Oh come on! So you smelt like shit most of the time it's no big deal." Sage said.

"Nobody loves me!" the man cried.

"Maybe if you weren't such a cry baby people could stand to look at your face more." Linda said. The man started crying harder.

"Linda, you are no longer allowed to talk when someone is crying." Stephanie said. Linda shrugged.

"Where's my crown?!" the man shouted as he threw a fit, "WHERE"S MY CROWN!"

"You never _had_ a crown!" Cheyenne shouted back.

"Yes I did! Now where is it?!" the man shouted.

"Link will you hurry up and kil-" Sage started, but was interrupted by a loud crashing sound. Everyone looked at Link who had picked up one of the picture frames earlier and smashed it over the man's head. A nail from the frame somehow got itself lodged into the man's head and they all watched as the life in his eyes faded away.

"Death by picture frame." Linda stated.

"Works for me!" Navi chimed, "That's the end of this temple; let's get the hell out of here." They all nod.

As they're about to turn to leave, the blue circular light thing shows up in the middle of the room. they all step inside and are transported to the chamber of sages.

* * *

**Huzzah! Another chapter over and done with! No cheesy movie references either... at least i don't think so, I don't remember what I wrote. Oh well, BYE!**


	17. Ch 17: REJECTED!

"Then he told me I'd never get to see Boris ever again!" Saria finished telling her story with tears in her eyes. Link and Navi nodded sympathetically while the animals just looked at her like she was being a drama queen.

They've been in the Chamber of Sages for a good twenty minutes now, listening to Saria tell them about her adventures with her pet leaf named Boris. Once she finishes her story she gives Link the forest medallion. He graciously accepts it and smiles at Saria. Our heroes are then engulfed by light.

"Unfortunately Link, you're stuck in the friend zone." Saria stated as she faded away.

"What?" Link asked, confused.

"I think she said she wants your sticky calzone." Sage said.

"What?!" Link asked again.

"No I-" Saria tried to defend herself, but disappeared completely before she could.

They are suddenly transported in front of the dead great Deku Tree. Link notices a strange stub in the ground and kneels down to inspect it. The stub suddenly springs out, throwing Link back a few feet and revealing a small chunky ass tree. Cheyenne, Stephanie, and Navi scream from surprise.

"Holy Goddesses! Why would you suddenly do that?!" Navi shouted.

"It's just a natural reflex, I can't help It." the chunky ass tree replied.

"Look what you did to Link!" Navi shouted as she flew up to Link.

"I'm fine; it's nothing to worry about." Link reassured.

"It shouldn't have rudely popped out of the ground so suddenly! What if you had cracked your skull, or sprained your arm?!" Navi yelled, "Or what if you caught gonorrhea?!"

"What?!" The animals asked in shock.

"Does this mean trees rape people now?" Stephanie asked.

"Of course, haven't you ever seen _The Evil Dead_?" Sage asked.

"What are you idiots talking about? Gonorrhea is a serious head trauma." Navi explained.

"Well where we come from it means something completely different." Cheyenne said.

"Sometimes I feel like I have gonorrhea just from being around you idiots." Navi said.

"Never in my lifetime would I _ever_ want to give you gonorrhea." Linda said with disgust.

"Can we just talk about something else?!" Sage shouted.

"Of course, but before we do let me introduce myself; I am the Deku Tree Sprout!" The sprout said happily.

"Oh, I'm Link." Link spoke with a small bow of his head, "this is my fairy, Navi, and these are my animal friends."

"Hey," The animals said in unison.

"It's a pleasure to meet you all." The Deku Tree Sprout said, "And I'm very excited that I get to tell you the story of your past."

Link looks at the sprout in confusion "My past? I grew up in the forest with the rest of the Kokiri."

"Haven't you noticed that you aged while the other Kokiri haven't?" the Deku Tree Sprout asked.

"Well . . . we haven't exactly stopped by any of the Kokiri's houses yet." Link said.

"Oh, well when you do you'll notice they haven't aged." The sprout said, "Anyway, I'm now going to reveal the truth about your past."

***Link's Past***

One day seventeen years ago, a man and woman decide to make crazy animal love in the guest room of the woman's parents' house. Conveniently, the parents and all the neighbors were gone so no one could hear them making the sex. Not long after, the woman found out she was pregnant and she was ecstatic! Unfortunately for the man, the woman's father was a knight and could easily beat him to a bloody pulp if he tried to run away. So the two of them got married and became a small family.

Sometime after their new baby boy was born a civil war broke out. The man thought this would be a great time to commit a family suicide and blame it on being attacked. He planned to do so by forcing his family in a carriage and telling them they were going to ride to the next town over for safety. The woman caught on to the man's evil scheme and vowed to protect her baby no matter what happened. Then came the day the man planned to commit the family suicide. Everything was going perfectly normal, but the woman noticed the man wasn't acting like himself so she was cautious. After they were far enough, The man whipped the horses until they were running as fast as they could. Finally, he steered the horses straight into a cliff! Before the carriage could smash into the cliff, the woman grabbed her baby and jumped out!

Unfortunately, the woman hit her head on a rock and it started bleeding; serious gonorrhea. Ignoring her own injuries, she checked her son to make sure he was okay. With one last look at her now squished beloved, she turned away and headed towards a nearby forest. As time went by she found it harder and harder to stay conscious. She came to a small clearing where she saw a huge tree with a mustache. The woman fell to her knees and begged the huge tree to watch over her son. The huge tree sensed great power emanating from the baby and agreed to take him in. the woman set her baby down on the ground and gave him one final kiss good-bye. The huge tree picked up the woman with one of his roots and threw her into a trash heap off to the side.

***Link in the Present***

"Well if you're like me and you don't like reading flashback bullshit that sometimes make the story even more confusing; then let me sum this up for you . . . uh . . ." Linda says as she flips through the script, "crazy animal sex, got it, civil war-blah blah blah . . . . Uh . . . Basically what I got from this is that Link's dad was an asshole and his mom was a clumsy bitch." She finished with a smile.

Everyone stared in bewilderment as the Deku Tree Scrub finished telling his story. The girls glance up at Link who looked like he just got punched in the gut.

"Wasn't that a lovely story?!" The Deku Tree Scrub shouted happily.

"How the hell is that lovely?!" Navi shouted.

"It's the Hero of Time's beginning, that's what makes the story lovely." The Deku Tree Scrub explained.

"Why the hell would you tell Link that story?!" Stephanie asked.

"Because it proves that he's a Hylian, not a Kokiri." The Deku Tree Scrub said.

"I think . . . it's time to go." Link said as he began to walk away. They all watch as he stumbles off.

Linda glares at the Deku Tree Scrub "You're a piece of wooden _shit_! When I get my human body back I'm chopping you down and making you into a wood carving of an ASS!"

The animals glare at the scrub before stomping off angrily. Navi gives the scrub a disapproving look and floats after the animals.

"I can't believe he told Link that story!" Stephanie yelled as they walked out of the Great Deku Tree area.

"Well . . . It's better than letting Link live a lie." Cheyenne said.

"But he didn't have to tell the story with a _smile_!" Linda shouted.

"Look, what's done is done, right now we need to concentrate on where Link ran off to and make sure he's okay." Navi said. The animals nodded and started looking around the Kokiri forest for Link.

After not finding Link in any of the Kokiri huts, they decide to leave the Kokiri forest to see if he's out in Hyrule field. Which they do, he's petting Epona and waiting for his friends.

"Link . . . are you okay?" Navi asks as they approach him.

". . . I guess . . . things could be worse." Link said with a sigh before mounting Epona, "So where do we have to go next?"

"Don't you want to talk about it?" Cheyenne asked.

"No, I'd rather not." Link said.

"Wouldn't you feel better if you did?" Stephanie asked.

"No, let's go." Link said, a little irritated.

"I could hold your face and stroke your ears while you cry into my chest." Linda suggested.

"Don't make his sad life awkward." Sage said, "Though I suppose you've already done that many times already."

The girls look at each other worriedly before climbing on to Epona. Link commands Epona to go and they ride off towards the next temple; which is the fire temple in the volcano. By the time they got to Kakariko village it was in the middle of the afternoon. Not much was going on there besides the occasional lousy street performer throwing their balls around. They reached the Death Mountain trail and followed the trail in awkward silence. They enter Goron City only to find it looking like a ghost town.

"This place really took a turn for the worst over the years, hasn't it?" Navi said.

"I think that could be said for all of Hyrule." Stephanie pointed out.

"Maybe that thing can help us." Link said while pointing to a rolling goron.

"Oh yeah, if you hit him with a bomb he should stop." Sage said.

"Well of course he would stop, he'd blow up!" Navi said.

"He's a rock, he'll be okay." Linda said, waving off the subject.

"I don't think that's very nice." Stephanie said.

"But it's essential to get through the fire temple." Linda said, "So go ahead and do it Link."

Link pulls out a bomb, lights it, and then throws it at the goron. The bomb hits the goron, but bounces off its rock hard body and flies back towards our heroes. They all gasp and run way before the bomb goes off in their faces. The bomb explodes and they watch the goron roll by like the blast was nothing.

"You're going to have to time it right so that the bomb explodes right as the goron passes it." Sage said.

"You should've said that the first time." Navi said irritably.

"Just be happy I'm helping, stupid fairy." Sage said.

A few bombs and three exploding injuries later, the goron has finally stopped. It unrolls itself and glares at our heroes, but is shaking violently so they can already tell it's a coward.

"Ganondorf's minions shall not pass!" It squeaked, "I, Lawrence, am protector of these parts and will let no one push us around!"

"Well _Lawrence_, it seems all your people have been either kidnapped or killed so you're not exactly doing a good job." Linda said.

"Hey . . . it's a very demanding job and I'm still trying to get the hang of it." Lawrence said with teary eyes.

"And you're doing a great job, she just has something stuck up her ass; don't listen to her." Navi said in a motherly tone.

"At least I don't crush innocent children's dreams and spit in baby's food." Linda said.

"You're one sick freak." Sage said to Navi while shaking her head in disapproval.

"Both of you can go straight to hell." Navi said irritably.

"Been there, done that; wasn't impressed." Sage said indifferently. Linda nodded in agreement.

"Well this one time, at Rock camp, my friends and I were trying to eat a spicy rock but it was-" Lawrence started.

"Yeah kid, nice story." Sage interrupted. Lawrence looks over at Sage with teary eyes.

"And _I'm_ the one that crushes innocent children's dreams?" Navi asked sarcastically.

"Can you tell us why you're the only Goron here?" Link asked, changing the subject.

Lawrence looked up at Link "Ganondorf sent them all to the volcano to be eaten by Volvagia, the subterranean lava dragon that he revived." He looks to the ground with sorrowful eyes "Now there are only two of us left."

Cheyenne glances around "You say that, but I only see one of you."

"The other one is the shopkeeper." Lawrence said.

"Oh, well he's not important so tell us more about the dragon." Sage said, waving off the subject of the shopkeeper.

"Well, he was defeated once by the Goron's special crop a long time ago." Lawrence said.

"Are you saying he choked on corn?" Stephanie asked.

"If it's a Goron related thing, I would guess that it was a rock or something." Cheyenne replied.

"It's a hammer." Sage and Linda said in unison.

"What? That makes no sense, what does a hammer have to do with a crop; or Gorons for that matter?" Cheyenne asked.

"It doesn't, but has anything we've gone through so far made any sense?" Sage asked.

"I guess you're right." Cheyenne said.

"What exactly is this _special crop_?" Stephanie asked.

"We just told you it was a hammer." Linda said irritably.

"I know but I just can't accept that it's a hammer!" Stephanie shouted.

"I could care less if you accept it or not, it is what it is!" Linda shouted back.

"With that matter aside, what if we go save the other Gorons for you; would you stop crying?" Link asked Lawrence.

Lawrence gives Link a questionable look before letting out a sigh "I'm not crying because I'm sad they're gone." He looks back up at Link with a glare "I'm crying because that bastard Neal didn't return my paddle ball before he was taken to the volcano. I'm glad those assholes are going to die, they deserve it for stealing all my favorite toys." he begins to walk away but turns back around and throws a red tunic at Link "but since you're hell bent on rescuing everyone you'll need that to survive inside the volcano."

They watch as the goron curls back up into a ball and rolls away. Link looks at his newly acquired attire and smiles.

"Why don't you take your tunic off Link?" Linda asks with a smile.

"And try on your new one." Stephanie added.

"Nah, you don't have to do that if you don't want to." Linda said.

"Go ahead and change your clothes around that corner Link, we'll stay here." Sage said. Link goes around the corner while the other girls glare at Linda.

"Like you didn't want to see him tunic-less." Linda said in defense.

"Either way, at least we got him the fire tunic and we're ready to go into the volcano." Sage said.

"How do we get in to the volcano?" Navi asked.

"There's a short-cut behind Darunia's throne thing." Linda said.

"Do you think we'll be able to survive inside the volcano? I mean, Link's the only one with a fire resistant outfit." Stephanie pointed out.

"Yeah, now that you mention it we'd all turn into a bunch of roasted animals." Sage said.

"I think Steph would be the only decent meal out of all of us though." Linda added.

"Yeah, I've never eaten a roasted parakeet before." Cheyenne said.

"Are you insinuating that you've eaten roasted duck, raccoon, and rat before?" Sage asked.

"Of course not! Well, I have eaten roasted duck before, but the other two is just sick." Cheyenne said with disgust.

"Whatever, I would taste good and you know it." Linda said.

"Oh please, raccoon is one of those things a person would eat if they were in a life or death situation." Sage said.

"Well so is a rat!" Linda argued.

"Can we please not talk about us being roasted?" Stephanie pleaded.

"What do you guys think?" Link asked as he walked up to them in his red tunic.

"If I were human right now I'd rip those clothes off and have my way with you." Linda said.

"Too much information Linda." Stephanie said with disgust.

"Ugh, thank god this isn't a pornographic fanfic . . ." Cheyenne said.

"Nipples!" Linda yelled.

"Uh . . . I'm going to pretend like I never heard any of your conversation just now." Link said, "Also, I overheard you guys talking about a secret entrance behind Darunia's throne." he said, changing the subject.

"Yeah, it's a secret entrance to get inside the volcano." Sage said.

"Then let's go." Link said.

They make their way to Darunia's room where Link spends a good ten minutes moving the throne. Once inside, they walk to the lower area until they are stopped by a broken bridge. The animals hang onto Link as he Hooshots them across the gap. Before they could go any further, Sheik jumps in front of them wearing another ridiculous outfit.

"Oh! I know this one! You're monkey man right?!" Linda shouted with excitement.

Sheik looks at himself before looking back at the group with a confused look "These are my pajamas . . ."

"But you look like monkey man from Hey Arnold." Linda said.

"She's right; you do look like monkey man." Sage agreed.

"What's a monkey man?" Link asked.

"Sheik, apparently." Stephanie replied.

"These are my pajamas!" Sheik shouted.

"What the hell are you doing running around in your pajamas?" Navi asked.

Sheik glares at our heroes "I have been waiting at the temple of time for almost two days waiting for you guys!"

"That doesn't answer my question." Navi said.

"You were supposed to go back and learn the Prelude of Light from me back at the temple of time before coming here!" Sheik shouted.

"Still doesn't answer my question." Navi said.

"So we're doing things a little out of order, big deal." Sage said indifferently.

"Well if that's how you're going to be then I'm not teaching you the Bolero of Fire until you go and learn the Prelude of Light." Sheik said while crossing his arms stubbornly.

"Like hell we are! You better teach Link the Bolero of Fire before I kick your ass!" Sage shouted.

"That doesn't scare me, how much damage can a small _rat_ do?" Sheik said.

Link holds Sage back before she jumps at Sheik "Can you tell us _why_ we have to learn the Prelude of Light first?"

"Because that's the order you're supposed to do it in." Sheik replied.

"But we're already here and it'd be too much trouble-" Link started.

"I'm not teaching you the Bolero of Fire until you learn the Prelude of Light." Sheik said stubbornly while turning his back towards them.

Link sighs in defeat "Fine, we'll see you back at the Temple of Time." He turns to walk away.

"Okay see you later!" Sheik says with a bright smile that quickly turns into a glare "And don't even think about going through the fire temple without learning the Bolero of Fire."

"That wouldn't be a problem if you just taught it to us asshole." Sage said irritably while glaring at Sheik.

Sheik smiles and waves good-bye as the group Hookshots back over to the other side and exits the volcano. An hour later they're making their way through Kakariko village with a scowl etched on their faces.

"I can't believe that bastard didn't teach us the song." Sage seethed.

"I can't believe he was wearing his pajamas." Navi said.

"I think this would be a good time for a 'I can't believe it's not butter' reference, don't' you think?" Stephanie asked.

"I was _about_ to say it before you went and ruined it." Linda said irritably.

"I had to." Stephanie said with a smirk.

"Well I guess there's no point in complaining since we would eventually need to learn that song anyway." Link said, trying to look at the bright side of things.

"But it wouldn't have made a difference if we learned it _after_ we were done with the fire temple." Sage said.

"Yeah, especially since we never used that one song Sheik taught Link in the forest." Navi said.

"I'm sure Sheik has his reasons for all of this." Link said.

"If it's just for his amusement I'm going to rip his eyes out." Sage said.

"Well look at what we have _here_!" An all too familiar, annoying voice said.

The group slowly turns towards the bomb brothers with unhappy expressions. Not much has changed with the bomb brothers; they still got their crazy hairdos. But of course over seven years they've grown some more facial hair and whatnot.

"I really don't need this right now . . ." Sage mumbled.

"None of you woodland creatures have changed a bit." Damien said a little bewildered "But Link, my goddesses, look at you! You're all big and manly now!"

"Oh, thank you." Link said a little embarrassed.

"So what have you toddlers been up to?" Ted asked.

"Not that it's any of _your_ business but Link has been busy saving Hyrule." Navi said.

"Oh really; you planning to go up against that tyrant Ganondorf and get rid of all these ugly monsters?! Will that be your first _big boy_ mission?" Damien teased. He and Ted begin laughing.

"If I remember correctly you guys had some sort of mission to blow up Goron city but I don't remember _that_ ever happening." Sage argued.

"Weren't you guys the ones that didn't _want_ us doing that?" Ted asked.

"Yeah, but I don't remember us ever stopping you." Sage said.

"Well if it makes you feel any better we blew up some of Dodongo's cavern." Damien said.

"Yeah, while we were in it!" Cheyenne shouted.

Damien shrugs "Shit happens."

"We're happy you guys are alive and well, but we're kind of busy so we'll see you guys some other time." Link said while waving good-bye.

"Good-bye." Ralph said.

"Ralph, just so you know, you're the only one I like out of the three of you." Linda said as they walked away.

"Yeah, we think you're a bitch too." Damien replied.

"I'm going to pretend like you don't exist." Linda said.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I completely forgot about the bomb brothers until just a few days ago. I wasn't sure if I wanted to kill them off or something; obviously I ended up not doing so, but either way, whatever. Anyway, after about three hours of walking through Hyrule field they finally make it to the broken drawbridge leading to Hyrule market. As usual the market was a redead filled dead town with loud moaning and groaning dead things. They run to the temple of time where creepy monks begin to hum a tune.

"Damn it, now I'm going to get that song stuck in my head." Sage said.

"I don't remember there ever being music played around here." Link said.

"I don't remember there ever being monks following us around either." Cheyenne said while eyeing the humming monks behind them.

"Just ignore them, they'll eventually get tired and stop." Stephanie said.

"Play that funky music white boy-" Linda sang.

"Don't even start." Navi warned as they entered the back room of the temple.

Sheik was standing next to the pedestal of time; still wearing his pajamas, "Fancy meeting you here." He said with a smile.

"You bitch!" Sage screamed as she jumped at him and started clawing his face.

"Pull his hair!" Linda shouted.

"Okay Sage, you can stop now!" Link said as he pulled Sage off Sheik's face. Sheik falls back and clutches his face.

"I hope you're happy, now he's not going to teach Link the Prelude of Light." Navi said.

"He better teach Link that song if he knows what's good for him." Sage said.

"Of course I'll still teach Link the song! But you have to stay away from me!" Sheik shouted from behind his hands.

"As long as we see eye to eye." Sage said with a smirk. Link gives Sage a disapproving look and sets her down next to the rest of the animals. He turns to Sheik and helps him off the ground.

Sheik brings out his harp while Link brings out his ocarina "Now then, if you are ever in a hurry to come back here then this song will warp you to the warping spot in the front of the temple." He said then began teaching Link the Prelude of Light.

"I'm hungry." Linda stated.

"What else is new . . ." Navi said irritably.

"When's the last time we ate?" Stephanie asked.

"Hell if I know, the authoress hasn't been keeping track of that kind of stuff." Sage replied.

"Fortunately for me, fairies don't _need_ food." Navi bragged.

"UN-fortunately for you, we've been plotting a way to 'accidentally' have you killed." Sage said.

Navi rolled her eyes "And exactly how long have you been _plotting_ this evil scheme?"

"Um . . . about ten minutes now." Linda said. Sage nodded.

"We have a few ideas, but I think our top choice would have to be covering you in Vaseline and shoving you up Steph's ass." Sage said.

Stephanie looks at Sage with wide eyes "Like hell you are."

"Don't worry; you'll be asleep when this happens." Sage reassured.

"Like hell I am!" Stephanie shouted.

"Am I the only one still freaked out about the humming monks?" Cheyenne asked. The other girls looked behind them at the monks and shrugged.

* * *

**So if you don't read those weird update things on my profile page then you don't know that I found a job and had to push back last weeks update to . . . yesterday? or whatever it said. So yeah, I work at Arby's now, DON'T go there cause I don't like customers. Anyway, my schedule is kind of weird with school and work so the 'new chapter ever tuesday' thing may or may not stick. I'll try to keep it that way but if I feel like I will miss a deadline I'll say so on my profile page.**

**So yeah, see you next Tuesday... maybe. BYE!**


	18. Ch 18: Fire Temple?

Last time on _Screaming Adventures!_ Our frigid friends were stuck in a typhoon of worries and anger trying to figure out who Jim Bob killed! Will they succeed?! Or will little Joshua be stuck in Dr. Smoorches evil laboratory for the rest of his remaining life?! Stay tuned to find out!

"These random introductions are starting to confuse me." Link said.

"I think that's the point." Navi said.

"I hope they're able to free little Joshua in time." Linda said.

"Little Joshua probably doesn't exist." Stephanie said.

"I won't believe any more of your lies!" Linda shouted.

"If you're wondering what _actually_ happened in the last chapter; we were sent back to the Temple of Time by Sheik to learn the Prelude of Light." Cheyenne explained to the readers.

"But now we're back in Death Mountain crater watching Link fail at learning the Bolero of Fire." Sage added.

"Hey! He's trying his best, leave him alone!" Linda shouted.

"The extreme heat is making my feathers burn and my eyes water." Cheyenne said.

"Maybe we should let Link go through this temple by himself because the same thing is happening to me." Stephanie said.

"I'm going with Link even if it kills me." Linda stated.

"But our small animal bodies can't handle this heat." Cheyenne said.

"Yeah, we don't have a fire tunic like Link does." Sage pointed out.

"I don't care, I'm going." Linda said.

"You either really love Link to that extent or you're just an idiot." Stephanie said.

"I like to call it _creative_ _writing_." Linda said.

"What? That doesn't make any sense." Stephanie said irritably.

"Love doesn't _need_ to make sense!" Linda said with a sparkle in her eye.

"Well at least now I know you're just an idiot." Stephanie said indifferently.

A wall of fire comes up from the lava causing the animals to scream in surprise. The fire wall separated them from Sheik who quickly pulled out a deku nut, threw it on the ground, and disappeared with a flash. The flames subsided and they all looked around to see where Sheik was hiding. They see him scaling the walls of the crater then climbing out of the top.

"What the hell was that all about?" Cheyenne asked.

"I don't know." Link said, seriously confused "After I learned the song, flames came out of nowhere. It would've caught my boots on fire if I didn't move back in time."

"Sheik probably didn't want to get killed by Sage." Navi said.

"Sheik did that?" Link asked, referring to the wall of fire . . . duh?

"I don't see how; his magic's been pretty shitty so far." Sage said.

"Well . . . he taught me the song and that's all that matters." Link said.

"So now we can go into the fire temple!" Navi said happily.

"About that," Stephanie spoke; Link and Navi look at her "We decided to let you go alone since none of us could handle the heat."

"Oh . . . well if you really don't want to I'm not going to make you." Link said.

"Finally the goddesses have answered my plea!" Navi shouted happily.

"I'm still going." Linda stated.

"Son of a bitch." Navi muttered.  
"I don't want you to burn to death Linda; maybe you should go with the others." Link said.

"Don't worry about me Link; I'll be fine as long as you're around." Linda said.

"I don't think having me around would make a difference. You're sweating so much it looks like you just jumped into a river." Link pointed out.

"But I want to go with you!" Linda whined.

Link patted Linda's head "If you wait for me back in Kakariko I'll treat you to a big lunch."

"Really?!" Linda asked with anticipation.

Link nodded "Of course."

"Okay!" Linda said with a huge grin.

"How did Link know food was one of Linda's weaknesses?" Cheyenne asked.

"It can't be that hard to figure out." Navi said.

Link used his Hookshot to get the animals to the other side and escorted them out of the crater; back into Darunia's room. They wished him good luck and they went their separate ways for the time being. The animals decided to take their time going back down the mountain since Link would probably be a while. They hung out in Goron city for a few hours' just throwing bombs at Lawrence and chilling out with the shop keeper. Eventually they got bored and left.

"It's so nice to get some _cool_ air." Stephanie said as they started walking down the mountain trail.

"It's not like you were going to die." Sage said.

"Look at my tail! Half of the feathers burned off!" Stephanie shouted, turning her ass towards Sage to show the evidence.

"You needed a haircut anyway." Sage said. Stephanie glared at her.

"When we get to Kakariko I say we go to Claude's house and take a nap." Cheyenne said.

"I second that." Sage said.

"Hold on guys." Stephanie warned, "Do you hear that?"

They stopped walking and listened for whatever Stephanie heard. They looked around and realized they were in front of Dodongo's Cavern. The strange noise happened to be coming from inside the cavern!

"Sounds like someone is digging." Sage said.

"But for what?" Cheyenne asked.

"Hell if I know." Sage said.

"There's only one way to find out." Stephanie said, hinting for them to go inside the cavern.

"If those damn brothers have anything to do with it I'm going to be pissed." Sage said.

***Link***

While the animals were messing around Goron city for a few hours Link was actually doing some heroic work like meeting with Darunia and wandering around the fire temple. Now he was running through the boulder maze trying to find a dungeon key.

"Watch out!" Navi screamed as Link was two seconds away from being squashed. Link jumped back and dodged the boulder just in time. Navi sighed "How many times do I have to tell you to look before you leap?!"

"I can't help it; these boulders just come out of nowhere." Link said.

"Hey! Hey buddy! Help me!" a voice shouted.

Link and Navi look around until they spot a Goron locked in jail cell. Link runs up to a switch and sets the Goron free. It jumps for joy and runs at Link to give him a hug. Link's eyes widen as the Goron gets closer, but the Goron is retarded and trips over himself; landing flat on his face. He quickly gets up and smiles at Link.

"Thank you Robin Hood!" The Goron shouted happily.

"Um . . . My name's Link." Link said.

"You have no idea how long I've been stuck in this cage!" the Goron shouted happily.

"Well . . . You're free now so you can go-" Link started.

"There are tons of boulders in this room so watch out! You don't want to get squashed now do you?!" The Goron shouted happily.

"Thank you, I knew that." Link said.

"When you're on fire you can roll or swing your sword around to put out the flames!" The Goron shouted happily.

"Yeah, I . . . kind of figured that out a while ago." Link said; kind of embarrassed about _how_ he figured that out.

"If you see a fake door-" The Goron started.

"Thank you for trying to help and everything, but I'm kind of busy so I'll just take this small key and get out of here." Link said as he opened a small chest, quickly grabbing its contents, and leaving the Goron.

After running around the maze a little more and managing to save another Goron he comes to a locked door. He unlocks it and enters a small room with a narrow bridge thing; which he was standing on by the way.

"Is this safe?" Link asked as he peaked over the bridge.

"Probably not, but we have no other choice but to pass through here. Just watch where you step and you should be fine." Navi said.

"What's that?" Link asked, pointing to a silver diamond-shaped eye switch on the wall.

"Hmm . . . my navigating senses are telling me it's a switch; shoot it with something." Navi replied.

Link brought out his bow then shot the eye and watched as it closed. Bars blocking the door to his right suddenly disappeared. He made his way over and entered the room only to find a treasure chest with a map inside. He looked at the map and realized that it was just a bunch of random doodles.

"Um . . . how is this supposed to help me?" Link asked.

"I'm starting to think this temple is a big waste of time." Navi said.

"But we need to awaken the fire sage so it's necess- wow this person is really good at drawing." Link said.

"Yeah, yeah; let's just go." Navi said irritably.

They go back to the narrow bridge room and entered the locked door. There was a narrow stone wall in front of them and Link walked across it to get to the metal grating that was suspended by the ceiling. Just as Link landed on the grating a flame wall popped out of the lava behind them! Link gasps and runs to the other side of the room. A red bubble flies out of the lava and jumps at him, but he quickly dodges it and continues on. Once he reaches the other side he quickly runs into the nearest door; which is back in the maze room.

"Ugh, this place again?!" Navi whined.

"At least from up here I can't get hit by the boulders." Link pointed out.

"Yeah, as long as you don't fall down." Navi added.

"I'm not a kid anymore Navi, I won't fall." Link said. He jumped to the next platform and looked around for any clues for where to go next.

"Maybe since those idiots aren't here you'll be fine." Navi said.

"Why do you hate them so much? They're just animals." Link said.

"Because there's something wrong with their brains!" Navi shouted.

"They're pretty smart . . . I mean they know how to communicate with Hylians and everything," Link spoke as he jumped to a platform with a square switch on it, "Most of the time it seems like they know more about Hyrule then I do."

Navi gives Link a stern look "and you don't find that odd?"

Link steps on the switch and a jail cell opens on the other side of the room "I don't think it's strange that animals know more about the land than your average Hylian."

"But they said they were from a different planet or something, how would they know more about Hyrule then you?!" Navi shouted.

"Oh yeah, I forgot they told us that." Link said. Navi sighed in disappointment.

Link made his way towards the open jail cell only to find a Goron cowering in the corner. Link and Navi look at each other with questioning expressions. Navi motions for Link to go talk to the Goron and he gives her an uncertain look before walking over to it.

"Um . . . Excuse me?" Link asked. He puts a hand on the Goron's shoulder and it flinches.

"I . . . I don't know where I am . . . My mumzies told me I'd be safe if I just trusted in her magic tree, but she's probably dead now." The Goron said. It begins trembling and slowly stands up.

Link backs away from the Goron "Well, I set you free so I guess you can go see if mumzies is alive."

"You wouldn't understand how I feel." The Goron said.

"Well honestly we have problems of our own and right now we don't have time to understand how you feel." Navi said.

"Bitch . . ." The Goron muttered.

"Look, we're sorry for being in a hurry," Link said as he opened a nearby chest to get a small key "but we'll listen to your problems later . . . maybe."

"You're not in a hurry; you just don't want to talk to me." The Goron said with teary eyes.

"I'm sorry; I'm sure there is someone out there who would like to talk to you." Navi said.

"Only one." The Goron said.

"See! So don't feel so bad that we don't want to talk to you." Navi said.

"I don't think this is making him feel any better Navi." Link said.

"Idk, my bff Jill." The Goron said.

"What?" Link and Navi asked.

"When will the sun shine on the place of morrow?" The Goron asked.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Navi asked.

"I think we should be going." Link said. Navi nodded.

As the Goron stood there spouting nonsense, Link and Navi leave the little jail cell. They head back towards the door they came through. As Link is jumping from platform to platform he notices one of the platforms has a strange crack in it. They stop to inspect the damn thing!

"I sense there's something under this crack." Navi said. When Link doesn't respond she looks over at him, "What's wrong?"

"I had to stop myself from laughing or making a sarcastic comment about what you just said." Link said.

Navi rolls her eyes "Ugh, I seriously think you need to stop spending so much time with those retarded animals."

Link chuckles "Come on, It's all in good fun."

"If you start calling me names and losing brain cells I'll have to kick your ass." Navi said.

Link is about to respond but the floor suddenly explodes and they fall down a hole!

***Animals***

They were wandering around Dodongo's cavern trying to figure out where the noise they heard earlier was coming from. They didn't get too far since they were still in the main room with the Dodongo skeleton head.

"I think we should go now guys." Cheyenne said anxiously.

"What are you afraid of? We've been here before." Stephanie said.

"Yeah, but I'm just getting this bad feeling about . . . something." Cheyenne said.

"Hey guys, look over here!" Sage shouted towards her friends. They all look over and see Sage on the middle platform looking at the bottom of the Dodongo mouth. They walk up to her and notice her looking at some carvings on some of the teeth.

"What's it say?" Stephanie asked.

"It looks like it's all in Hylian writing or something." Linda said.

"That's because *hic* it is." A voice said. They look behind them to see the drunk hobo standing there.

"What the hell are you doing here old man?" Sage asked.

"Investigating *hic* a stolen carpet . . . *hic* or something." The drunk hobo said.

"Hey, you read Hylian; why don't you translate this for us?" Linda asked.

"What's in it for me?*hic*" the hobo asked.

"A nice cold beer bought by yours truly . . . and when I say 'yours truly' I mean you." Sage said.

The hobo stroked his chin with his thumb and index finger, thinking about Sage's offer ". . . Done." He said as he sat next to the teeth and started reading.

"I thought you'd see it my way." Sage said with a smile.

"I wouldn't think manipulating a drunken man would be that hard to do anyway." Cheyenne said. Sage shrugs and they wait a while for the hobo to translate the writing.

". . . *hic* okay . . . okay, I think I got It." the hobo says as he points to the writing, "This part says *hic* 'Rotiart is traitor' . . ."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Cheyenne asked.

"Maybe Rotiart is a name?" Stephanie suggested.

"That's a dumb name." Sage said.

"Who cares if this person is a traitor; we don't know him and we sure as hell never met the guy either." Linda said.

"Maybe we're just over thinking this. This might be someone carving words into a fossil because they have nothing better to do." Stephanie pointed out.

"No *hic* it's definitely important." The hobo said. Everyone turns toward the hobo, "I've heard of him *hic* quite a few times . . . probably. *hic* there's a rumor saying he told Ganondorf the Goron folk *hic*were keeping the princess and that's why they were all taken *hic* to the volcano to be eaten."

"So he's a traitor because he basically snitched on the Gorons to Ganondorf? Even though they never had the princess to begin with?" Cheyenne asked.

"No *hic* he's a traitor because Rotiart spelt backwards is 'traitor'*hic*" the hobo pointed out.

"Okay, so some asshole named Rotiart is getting people in trouble for no reason; what's the rest of the writing say?" Stephanie asked, not intrigued by that small information.

"It says 'part a sti'. . . This is some weird tangy messages." The hobo said.

"Part a sti? What the hell does that mean?" Sage asked.

"I really hate the writings now." Linda stated.

". . . It's a trap. . ." Stephanie said.

"What is?" They all asked.

"No, that's what the saying says backwards." Stephanie said. They all think about the writing and realize Stephanie is right.

"OOOH! *hic* I remember now! Rotiart is a traitor because he set up a trap in Dodongo's cavern so the Goron's would get caught in it and be killed before eating any of their food supply!" The hobo said, like it was the smartest thing he's ever said.

"Well which kind of traitor is he; the _douchebag_ kind or the _piece of shit should die_ kind?" Sage asked irritably.

"Sounds like he could be both." Linda said.

"My mind is still blown by the fact that someone would name their kid Rotiart . . ." Cheyenne said.

"Right?! If we had internet access I'd google that shit!" Sage said.

They suddenly hear a loud whistle in the distance and a whole swarm of soldiers come and dog pile on the drunken hobo.

"You're pink hair has no effect on me!" The hobo shouted.

"It's like they're following him everywhere he goes . . ." Stephanie said as they watch the drunk hobo get carried away. A few minutes after the hobo and soldiers left the ground started shaking.

"What the hell's going on?!" Cheyenne shouted.

"We're being punished for inwardly laughing at that poor drunk bastard!" Sage shouted back.

"You were probably the only one laughing on the inside!" Stephanie shouted to Sage.

"No, I was too." Cheyenne and Linda said in unison.

The lava started to rise and the walls began to crumble! They ran over to the platform that rose up to the second floor, but before the platform could reach the second floor it also started to crumble. As the lava rose more of the walls began to fall apart and even created a hole where the Dodongo head was. Now the lava was draining out through the hole and carrying away all the debris it created. The platform they were on suddenly snapped in half and the half they were on got carried away by the lava through the hole in the wall. After being carried through the cavern they finally end up in a huge room filled with lava . . . and a dragon?!

"Volvagia!" Sage and Linda shouted. Their platform drifted over to a huge platform in the middle of the room. They all jumped onto it when they were close enough.

"So nice of you to drift in." A high pitched man voice said. They all looked around the room and noticed a flare dancer (or whatever they're called) riding on Volvagia's back.

"Who are you?" Linda asked.

"I am Kentalimoo!" He said with a heroic pose, "And this is my trusty sidekick dip n dots!" he motioned to Volvagia.

"You gave Volvagia a nickname?" Sage asked.

"You got a problem with that pesky rodent?!" Kentalimoo said.

"You just wait till Link gets here; he'll most likely kick your ass!" Sage shouted.

"It's _so freakin_ hot in here!" Stephanie shouted.

"Um . . . would you mind telling us how to stop the lava from rising any farther?" Cheyenne asked.

"Hell no." Kentalimoo said.

"You'd burn innocent little animals?" Stephanie asked with a dejected face.

"You're _damn_ right!" Kentalimoo said! He snaps his fingers and a huge cage falls from the ceiling and imprisoned our friends, "Well all right, I'll stop the lava from rising, but only because I want to meet this Link character you're talking about. Does she have a boyfriend? Is she married?"

The animals look at each other with confused expressions. Sage looks over at Kentalimoo ". . . Link is a guy."

Kentalimoo looks at the animals with a surprised look "Quit pulling my leg! I'll beat you with a chicken leg and make sure it gets caught in your throat if you're shitting me!"

"No, he's a guy, but when you see him you'll probably turn gay." Linda said.

"Does he have a girly face?" Kentalimoo asked.

"No, but he's dead sexy!" Linda shouted.

"Are we really going to have this conversation?" Stephanie asked irritably.

"I will talk to anyone who wants to talk about sexy Link." Linda said.

***2 hours later***

"And when he sleeps he sometimes drools between 2 A.M and 4:30 A.M; OH! And he farts at least six times randomly throughout the night." Linda finished explaining her stalker report to Kentalimoo.

"I think I know more about Link then I would like to." Cheyenne said.

"Since we're on the subject of Link; where the hell is he?" Sage asked.

"Maybe he got lost?" Cheyenne suggested.

"Someone's here." Kentalimoo said.

They all look to the entrance and see the metal door lift open. In walks in an irritated Link with charred clothes and soot covered hair. Linda's face brightens up until she notices a Goron following Link inside the room. The Goron seemed to be the reason why Link looked so irritated since it kept talking about nothing that mattered. Link stopped walking when he noticed his friends in the cage.

"What are you guys doing here?" Link asked.

"And why didn't you come to help us if you were here?!" Navi shouted.

"Link I missed you!" Linda shouted.

"Well, it's not like we wanted to be here!" Sage yelled, "It's freakin hot in here, Linda and that dumbass have been talking about _you_ nonstop for TWO GODAMN HOURS, and I'm pretty sure that damned dragon has been farting the WHOLE time!"

"Sounds like you've had just as much fun as Link and I." Navi said.

"That's too bad, actually, I was just telling Link here about the yearly Pity Festivals we have in Goron city. It's definitely something you should check out; everyone is given a chance to speak about their problems and everyone else lies to their face about how much they care." The Goron who followed Link in said.

"Oh, sounds interesting." Sage said, feigning interest.

"And miserable . . ." Navi muttered.

"By the way, my name's Hum, You might know my brother's 'Dee' and 'Dum', we're triplets." Hum explained.

"Wouldn't matter either way; all you Goron's look the same to me." Sage said.

"So this is Link?" Kentalimoo asked with actual interest.

"You bet your ass he is." Linda said.

"Eh . . . not as amusing as you made him out to be." Kentalimoo said.

"Shut your mouth!" Linda shouted. They watch as Link hops across two platforms to get to his friends.

"You guys okay?" Link asked.

"Yeah, we can get out of this cage easily," Stephanie spoke as they all started squeezing their way out of the cage, "we just wanted to buy some time before we were probably roasted to death."

"Ugh! The fact that I'm not turning gay for this Link character kind of pisses me off!" Kentalimoo shouted.

"Excuse me?" Link asked.

Kentalimoo ignores Link and glares at Linda "You made him out to be this super-hot guy but he's not even turning me on! And for that I shall kill you first!" he shouts before commanding Volvagia to attack her.

Kentalimoo jumps off of Volvagia's back and lands on the platform with everyone else. Volvagia flies at full speed towards Linda who dashes across the two smaller platforms and towards the entrance, but of course the door won't open! Linda quickly hides behind Hum.

"No, what are you doing?! Don't come near me-AAAHH!" Were Hum's last words as he was swallowed by Volvagia!

"Damn it dip n dots! you ate the wrong thing!" Kentalimoo shouted.

"Remind me to send my condolences to his brothers." Linda said.

"You are not allowed near _any_ mourning people and/or things! Do you understand me?!" Stephanie shouted, "We don't want anyone committing suicide!"

"Too late!" Sage shouted as she threw a rock at Kentalimoo.

"Bitch!" Kentalimoo shouted as he staggered back, lost his balance, and fell into the lava, "AAH! I'm melting, I'm melting!" They all walk over to the ledge where he fell and watch as he burns.

"How is he melting; isn't he made of fire?" Link asked. Everyone shrugged.

"Just for the record; that wasn't suicide." Stephanie pointed out.

"Who cares; the annoying things are dead . . . excluding Navi." Sage said.

"I hate you too." Navi said.

"Uh . . . guys, we have bigger problems." Cheyenne said nervously. They all look towards Volvagia as he flies towards them. The two smaller platforms begin to sink into the lava. Linda rushes across the platforms and leaps toward her friends. Link catches her and sets her down next to the other animals. He takes out his sword and shield and prepares for a HUGE fight.

"I'm beginning to think it was safer on the _other_ side." Stephanie said, referring to the little area next to the entrance.

Volvagia starts acting funny and flies around the room bumping into walls. He sounds as if he's choking on something and tries to cough it up. The group just watches him like some cool TV show.

"Why are all these boss fights really easy?" Sage asked.

"He's not dead yet." Navi said. A boulder hits Volvagia in the face and he falls into the lava. A few seconds later the circular blue light pops up in the middle of the platform, "Now he's dead . . ."

"Good, let's get the hell out of this place." Stephanie said.

They all walk into the middle of the circular blue light and begin to disappear into the sacred realm.

"Do I still get that big lunch?" Linda asked Link.

* * *

**Okay . . . Technically I didn't lie when I said I'd have the Chapter up by Thursday (If you read the crap on my profile) but . . . Yeah . . . Sorry 'bout that. Anyway, I kind of experienced writer's block for a few days. It got to the point where I just forced some words out of me and wrote what I wrote. Probably 70% of this Ch. was BS . . . I didn't even edit it I was sooooo _disgusted_. So if you see anything that doesn't make sense gramatically then tell me . . . or something . . . Okay BYE!**


	19. Ch 19: Cavern Catastrophe

Hey kids! Have you ever fallen down a flight of stairs while eating nachos and pickle juice?! . . . Then after crawling your way to the phone you realize ten of your fingers popped off and you no longer have a head full of hair?! Me neither! Now let's get back to the story!

"Brother! You're a real man now!" Darunia shouted happily.

"Yeah that's because of me." Linda said.

Darunia ignores Linda "Let me give you this medallion proving your manhood!"

"Thank you." Link said as Darunia throws a red medallion at his face.

"Next time don't kill one of my other Goron brethren when you're trying to save them." Darunia said.

"Luckily for us there won't be a next time." Sage said.

"Can we go now? I have to poop." Linda said.

And with that, our friends were flashed out of there and back in the mountain crater where they learned the Bolero of Fire from Sheik. Navi started flying around Link's head annoyingly.

"Link! I feel a polar wind coming from-"

"Your mother's ass crack!" Sage interrupted.

"No!" Navi shouted.

"Barnaby Jones!" Linda shouted.

"Who the hell is that?" Cheyenne asked.

"A _very_ old TV show . . . I honestly don't know why I know this . . ." Linda said.

"Anyway," Navi interrupted, "I feel a polar wind coming from Zora's Domain."

"How can you feel a polar wind when we're in a volcano?" Sage asked.

"Because I'm a magical fairy!" Navi shouted.

"Before we venture off towards fishville, we need to have Link go see another Great Fairy." Linda said.

"She won't be naked this time, will she?" Stephanie asked.

"Hey! Our race is the only race beautiful enough to go around nude!" Navi said.

"Like hell you guys are." Linda said.

"And unfortunately you're not the only race going around nude." Sage added.

"Oh yeah, those fish and rock things walk around naked too." Stephanie said.

"Goddesses! I hate traveling with you morons!" Navi shouted.

They made their way across the broken bridge and towards the direction of the Great Fairy. They had Link smash some boulders with his ULTIMATE DOOMSDAY HAMMER and clear the entrance to the Great Fairy's lair. They walk inside where Link whips out his ocarina and does the usual 'gotta get that crazy fairy bitch out' routine. After a few seconds a loud screech is heard throughout the room and the Great Fairy pops out of her fountain; when she realizes just who her guests are her face turns sour.

"What the hell do you guys want now?" The Great Fairy asked.

"I think you give Link an upgrade or something." Linda said.

The Great Fairy rolls her eyes "I _would_ give him a magic upgrade, but with you guys around I'm not exactly in the mood to do so."

"We ain't leaving bitch . . ." Sage said.

"Having us around shouldn't make a difference." Cheyenne said.

"I don't want you idiots around when I give him the upgrade! You'll just make fun of me or something!" The Great fairy said.

"We can't help it if your vines unravel and show us your slutty side." Stephanie said.

"Link won't get a magic upgrade because of you and your impotence!" The Great Fairy shouted.

"I had no idea we were impotent . . ." Linda said.

"I'd rather that damn fairy not talk about something like that out in the open." Sage said.

"She _is_ a slut." Stephanie pointed out.

"Oh Goddesses! You know what I mean!" The Great Fairy shouted; a little embarrassed from her mistake.

"Why don't we just go so this slu- I mean fairy can do whatever she has to do and we can leave this place?" Cheyenne suggested. The animals look at each other for a few seconds before rolling their eyes and nodding. They turn around and walk out of the Great Fairy's lair.

The Great Fairy clears her throat and smiles at Link "Now let's continue."

"I have a question." Link stated.

"What is it?" The Great Fairy asked.

"I'm not entirely sure what impotence means, so can-"

"Ugh! You've got to be kidding me, you're an adult but you don't know what that means?!" The Great Fairy shouted.

"I've got the mind setting of a ten year old, it's not my fault." Link retorted.

" . . . Here's your magic upgrade." The Great Fairy said before spreading her legs and having magic shoot out at Link. Ew.

"What'd you do?" Link asked, not feeling any different.

"I made it so you could use more magic." The Great Fairy stated.

"I never really used magic to begin with so I'm not sure if this is something I would find useful." Link said.

The Great Fairy looks at Link irritably "You better make use of it or me embarrassing myself in front of your retarded friends was all for nothing."

"Well that's not my fault." Link said innocently.  
The Great Fairy glares at Link "Get your pasty white ass OUT OF HERE!"

"But you still haven't explained to me what impotence means." Link said.

***The Animals***

They were right outside the Great Fairy's lair waiting for Link.

"Then I look at her and say 'Hey ho! Don't make me go over there and bust a cap in yo ass!'" Sage said, finishing up a story; the other animals chuckle.

"It's funny because you say it like some white girl!" Linda shouted.

An explosion is heard and Link flies out of the lair. He lands face first into the ground in front of the animals.

"Please tell me you at least got the magic upgrade." Stephanie said.

Link lifts his head out of the ground and spits dirt out of his mouth "Yeah . . . at least."

Navi shakes her head disapprovingly "I seriously think you should consider ditching these horrible influences."

"I didn't think I was offensive at all, I was just curious." Link said.

"God damn it Link, if you wanted to see her naked all you had to do was wait till she bent over . . ." Sage said.

"Link's not some pervert Sage." Cheyenne said.

"He probably wanted to know why fairies were so useless." Linda said.

"Actually, I wanted to know what impotence means." Link said. The animals stare at Link blankly.

"Oh shit, look at the time; let's get the hell out of here!" Linda said. The animals hurriedly leave the volcano with Link reluctantly trailing behind them.

"What's so bad about telling Link what impotence means?" Stephanie asked as they reentered Darunia's room.

"If you want to explain it to him, fine, go ahead." Sage said.

Link looks at Stephanie expectantly and she sighs "All right, if you really want to know . . . it means 'having some sort of erectile dysfunction' in most cases it refers to men. Some people use that phrase for women, but usually the term sexual dysfunction is used."

"What does erectile dysfunction mean?" Link asked.

"What the hell did Rauru teach you in the Sacred Realm?!" Sage shouted.

"It's not like he was worried about Link getting intimate with anyone while on his quest to save Hyrule." Cheyenne explained.

"Yeah, but he could've at least taught him some of the basic stuff! This kid's probably walking around thinking he was born from a tree or something!" Sage shouted.

"I wasn't?" Link asked. The animals glare at Link.

"Navi, you want to explain the birds and the bees to Link? You know, since you're his guide and all." Sage said.

"Sure," Navi said before turning to Link "You see Link; birds are animals that fly and lay eggs while bees are nasty bugs that collect hone-"

"Very funny, now tell him what we're really talking about." Sage said.

"What do you mean? I am telling him what it is." Navi said irritably.

"I guess since retardism runs in the fairy family _we'll_ have to explain it to him." Linda said.

Sage nodded "Well this one time when we were walking down a street back home, we saw some strange foreplay going on through somebody's window. You'd think they'd close the curtains because there were kids living right across from them, but I guess those kids got to learn some things a bit early. Anyway, the woman was wearing a slutty version of Abraham Lincoln's outfit and the dude was-"

"Oh god! I remember that!" Cheyenne shouted, "Don't tell him _that_ story!"

"But it's the only G-rated way I can explain to him what the birds and the bees are." Sage said.

"There's _nothing_ G-rated about that story!" Cheyenne shouted.

"Fine, I'll tell him!" Stephanie shouted, "Link you _weren't_ born from a tree! A man and a woman had sex then a sperm cell and an egg were combined to form you in the woman's reproductive organs! Then when you were fully developed the woman went into painful labor to push your cone head out!"

Link and Navi give Stephanie a blank stare. The animals sigh in frustration and continue to leave Goron city.

"I can't believe even Navi doesn't know what sex is." Cheyenne said.

"We were never taught anything like that in the forest! Just so you know, the only inhabitants there were children!" Navi argued.

"They had to come from somewhere." Stephanie said.

"Yeah, the Great Deku tree created them with his all mighty leaves." Linda said sarcastically.

"Actually, they were made from his tree sap." Navi corrected.

"No wonder they all smell weird." Linda said.

"That could be caused by the lack of good hygiene rather than being made from tree sap." Cheyenne said.

"I don't want to hear that coming from you dirty ass animals." Navi said.

"We're animals; nobody cares what we smell like." Cheyenne said.

"Can we just drop the subject and go on?" Link asked.

They all agreed and continued down Death Mountain. As they reached Kakariko village the sun began to rise and a wave of drowsiness hits them right in the face. They pass Claude's house and after much begging, the animals convince Link to ask Claude for a place to stay for sleep and food. Link sighs as he walks up to Claude's front door and knocks. After a few minutes, Claude groggily opens the door in a robe and face mask on.

"You remind me of my grandma." Linda said. Just then Claude squeals with delight, causing everyone to jump in surprise.

"I haven't seen you guys in forever!" Claude said happily; giving everyone a hug.

"Didn't we see you a few days ago?" Stephanie asked.

"I don't know, the authoress forgot whether or not she had us meet before you went up Death Mountain so I'm just acting like this to be sure." Claude explained.

"Well it's great to see you Claude." Link said.

"And it's so great to see _you_ again Link." Claude said while eyeing Link up and down.

"Back off, I called dibs." Linda said.

Claude rolls his eyes "So, you guys looking for a place to stay or are you just here for my face?"

"I would say both, but your face isn't exactly what I was hoping for." Sage said.

"Oh yeah, sorry," Claude said as he moved aside to let them in "I put this mask on at night to keep my skin young and beautiful. Being a waiter and all really takes the life out of a man. I'll never find a boyfriend if I look like a troll."

"Hey that's what Navi says to herself every night." Linda said. Navi glares at her.

"We know this guy named Sheik that we can introduce you to. He's kind of a mask fanatic as well . . . though it's more like a hijab." Sage said.

After Claude showed no interest in meeting Sheik, he got dressed and was off to work; mask not included of course. Our heroes slept most of the day, and when they weren't sleeping they were eating. Claude came back late that night and they used that chance to sort of tell some stories before going back to bed. Claude was gone when they all woke up the next morning. They found a note on the dinner table explaining to them that he had to go to work early. They wrote a reply telling him thanks and whatnot before heading off towards Zora's river.

"I feel like the story is being rushed." Cheyenne stated.

"It's not like anything interesting happened at Claude's house." Stephanie said.

"Not only that, but the authoress doesn't want this to be a lame 'just about sex and rambling' chapter." Sage said.

"Is it getting colder, or is it just me?" Link asked as they walked along Zora's river.

"I feel fine." Linda said.

"That's because your super ton blubber keeps you at a good temperature." Navi teased.

"Actually it's probably because your super ton bitch rays are keeping me warm." Linda said.

"You should be thanking me then." Navi said.

"What is this stuff?" Link asked as fluffy white balls started falling from the sky.

"Snow, or frozen water." Stephanie explained.

"That means we're getting closer to Zora's domain." Sage said.

"If it's snowing there I'm not going." Cheyenne said.

"What if it were frozen over?" Sage asked.

"Then I'm going back to Kakariko." Cheyenne answered.

"I doubt it'd be frozen over, she's probably just pulling your talon." Navi said.

They get to the entrance and Link plays Zelda's lullaby to slow down the waterfall. They jump in and walk into the domain. When they get inside everything is covered in cold ice covered pudding. Mmm.

"Pudding?!" The animals questioned.

"At least it's not frozen over." Link said, looking at the bright side of things.

"What the hell! It's supposed to be frozen!" Sage shouted.

"Why?" Navi asked.

"Because that's what my animal senses told me! I mean, it was snowing just a while ago wasn't it?!" Sage shouted.

"I kind of like this scenario better." Linda said, licking some pudding off the walls.

"Me too, at least this way we won't be freezing our asses off." Cheyenne said.

"Sure, but where are all the Zora folk?" Stephanie asked.

"Bet you five bucks they all got diabetes and died." Sage said.

"Can fish get diabetes?" Linda asked.

"If they can, you _know_ King Zora has been having troubles with it for eve-." Sage started.

"King Zora!" Link interrupted before running up the staircase leading to the King.

"No need to be too concerned, it's not like it'll be anything serious." Stephanie said.

"He could be dead." Cheyenne pointed out.

"He _is_ dead!" Stephanie shouted.

"Oh yeah . . ." Cheyenne realized.

When Link got up the stairs he saw that the dead King was still in the same position from seven years ago. Not only that, but he was frozen in a block of pickle juice! The animals catch up to Link and look disgusted when they see the King.

"Why the hell is his dead frozen carcass still here?" Sage asked.

"Why does it seem like he's glaring at us?" Cheyenne asked suspiciously.

"I'm more concerned about the pickle juice." Stephanie said.

"How do we get him unfrozen?" Link asked.

"Like it matters." Sage said.

"Maybe we should ask Princess Ruto." Navi suggested.

"Do you know where she is?" Link asked.

"No, but maybe she got eaten by Lord Jabu Jabu again." Navi said.

Link nodded and turned to his companions "Let's go outside."

"Are we leaving the King here?" Stephanie asked.

"Just for a little bit, we'll figure out what to do with him after we find Ruto." Link replied.

"I would say the key to finding her is in a cave outside, but I don't even know if that's true anymore." Linda said.

"Take us to the cave anyway, just in case." Link said.

They walk outside to Zora's fountain where instead of water there's pickle juice and instead of floating ice bergs there's floating cardboard boxes. They all look at the boxes with puzzled expressions.

"How exactly are we supposed to make it to the cave if all that's supporting us is cardboard?" Navi asked.

"For one, you can fly so you have nothing to worry about, and two, shut your damn mouth!" Linda shouted.

"Maybe we can swim across." Stephanie suggested before Navi and Linda could argue again.

"I don't know about you, but I'd rather not smell like pickle juice. Also, the cave is too high for us to reach in the water." Sage said.

"Maybe if we run across the boxes fast enough we can reach the cave without sinking." Cheyenne suggested.

"I doubt that would work." Link said.

"Why don't we use King Zora as a raft?" Linda asked.

"What, how could you even suggest something like that?!" Navi shouted.

"Then _you_ come up with something better!" Linda shouted back.

"This may sound bad, but I kind of like that idea." Link said.

"Link! That's cruel and disrespectful to the dead!" Navi shouted.

"He won't feel it." Sage pointed out.

"And besides, the key to unfreeze him is in that cave." Linda said.

"Not like it matters or anything, but whatever." Stephanie said.

"Come on Navi, we'll be careful, I promise." Link persuaded.

Navi sighed in defeat "fine, but you better put him back when you're done." Navi said.

They all go back in and slide the King-sicle outside and gently push him into the pickle juice; face down so they couldn't see his dead face. Link goes to retrieve an unlit torch from inside the domain and uses it as an oar. It only took them a few minutes to get to the cave, but they didn't know what to do with the King . . . so they just left him there.

"I'm a little afraid to go inside." Cheyenne said.

"I'm a little afraid of what the Zora King's spirit will do to us when we're sleeping at night." Navi said.

"Pussy." Linda said.

"Besides Navi's paranoia, you're more than welcome to stay with the King; make sure he doesn't float away on us." Sage said.

"I'm not _that_ scared." Cheyenne said.

They enter the cave and so far it was a normal snow covered maze just like in the game. They get to the room with the Spike Trap circling the room and three Freezards. After explaining to Link what they were and how to kill them, the animals just sat back and watched.

"I kind of feel bad just having Link do all the work." Stephanie said.

"Yeah, I feel like we're just extra baggage or something." Cheyenne said.

"I don't care what you say, I'm never leaving Link." Linda said.

"Run!" Sage shouted.

They look up and see the spike trap circling towards them! Stephanie and Cheyenne flew off while Sage and Linda tried scurrying away. Unfortunately the two of them slipped on the ice and fell on their faces! But because I can't have them die just yet, let's have a stalactite fall from the ceiling and block them. The spike trap bounces off the stalactite and flies towards Link! He was quick to react and bring up his shield to deflect the spike which then landed in a pile of snow.

"Normally it wouldn't do that, right?" Linda asked.

"Yeah, but there's nothing normal about this world; at least not anymore." Sage said.

"Are you guys okay?" Link asked.

"Look what we got!" Cheyenne shouted.

"What?" Link asked.

"A sleigh." Cheyenne replied.

"A sleigh?" They all asked.

"Yeah, we can use this to slide around this cavern. It might make the trip easier . . . or something." Cheyenne said.

"Wooh! Less walking!" Sage cheered.

"How are we all going to fit on that?" Stephanie asked.

"Link can sit on it then the rest of us can just sit on him." Cheyenne suggested.

"Oh! I call Link's lap!" Linda shouted.

"I don't know, it sounds like a lot more trouble than it should be." Link said.

"No it's not, check this out!" Linda shouted.

Linda jumped on the spike trap and, with the help of her animal friends, pushed off towards an open hallway. But of course, instead of going down said hallway she headed towards a wall! JUST THEN! A giant one-eyed pudding raptor head came out of the wall and used its mega stinky breath to blast Linda back across the room! I'm just kidding; Sheik fell from the ceiling again wearing a Reptar costume. The spike trap hit him in the ankle and he cried on the ground in agonizing pain.

"Are you okay Sheik?" Link asked as they ran to his aid.

"I . . . I can't feel my feet! Oh goddesses this hurts so badly! What did I do to deserve this?! I didn't want this! I didn't want this!" Sheik kept repeating that last part as he cried.

"Let's get him out of this ridiculous costume." Navi said. They all nodded and continued to strip Sheik of the bulky outfit.

"NO! Don't move me! Just leave me here to die that's all I'm good for now!" Sheik cried.

"Don't talk like that!" Link shouted, "We're going to get you out of here and we're going to get you to a doctor!"

Sheik clutched onto Link's shoulder "I don't deserve a friend like you . . . Just save everyone else; it's too late for me!"

"Sheik it's not too-" Link started.

"Oh just _shut up_! You're going to be fine; you weren't even hit by a spike! You're ankle is probably sprained but that's about it! Now take that damn costume off you look like an idiot!" Sage shouted.

Sheik looked up at Link with hopeful eyes "Really? I'm going to be fine?" Link nods his head and cheerful tears begin to run down Sheik's face "Thank the Goddesses! All my wishes have been granted!"

"I'm not sure how we're supposed to take that." Cheyenne said; looking over at her animal friends who just shrug.

"Can we take your outfit off now? It'll probably be easier on your ankle." Link said.

"No, this is the only thing keeping me warm. I don't want my ankle to freeze and break off!" Sheik said.

"Actually, ice is good for a sprained ankle; it numbs it." Stephanie said.  
"Can I keep it on if I say it's my favorite outfit?" Sheik asked. Everyone rolls their eyes.

"If it means that much to you, you can keep it on, but you'll have to stay here and wait for us to finish exploring this cavern." Link said.

"No!" Sheik protested, "The authoress said there were one-eyed pudding raptors in here; I don't want to be here when those things get hungry. . . I don't even know what those are."

"There are no monsters in here, I killed them already." Link said.

Sheik held onto Link's collar "Please Link, don't leave me here to die, I'm too young to die. We're friends right? You wouldn't leave a friend behind, right?"

"Didn't he say he wanted to die earlier?" Cheyenne asked.

"He was probably just rambling since he thought he was going to die." Stephanie said.

Link sighed "All right, you can come with us. But we're bringing you back here if you get hurt more."

"Don't worry, I'm not accident prone." Sheik said confidently.

"You probably just jinxed yourself." Sage said.

"Am I the only one dreading the fact that we'll have to drag him _and_ his costume along with us?" Stephanie asked irritably.

"Here Sheik, use my shoulder as support." Link offered. Sheik smiled and put an arm around Link's shoulder.

"But of course nobody was listening." Stephanie said.

"I heard you," Linda said, "but I don't really care."

"Of course . . ." Stephanie replied.

As they continued through the cavern the air seemed to get colder and Sheik seemed to be getting heavier. Link was struggling under the pressure Sheik was putting on him, but he kept going since he was a good friend and all. They encountered their first blue fire room; with the platforms, the freezards, and the ice keese. Link sits Sheik up against the wall and asks the animals to stay with him while he goes to get some fire.

"He's such a good friend." Sheik said dreamily as he watches Link climb platforms and whatnot.

"You keep your hands off him; he's mine." Linda said irritably.

"I just thought of this, but when are you going to teach Link the Serenade of Water?" Sage asked Sheik.

"Uh . . . Well normally I was going to wait until Link got a hold of the iron boots to actually reveal myself, but of course you know how that turned out so . . . I still wanted to wait until then." Sheik explained.

"If you didn't know all the songs to the temples, I would've kicked your ass by now." Sage said.

"You kind of already did." Cheyenne pointed out.

"Oh yeah . . ." Sage said with a smirk.

The ground starts to rumble and they all look up at Link who's fighting off three white wolfos. They try to rush after him but the ground capsizes and they're all sent plunging into nothingness!

* * *

**I guess I should stop giving you empty promises about posting a chapter every tuesday. Honestly I tried at first, but at the most random of times I'll get writer's block and it'll just mess with me! So I apologize, but I will continue the story until the end, that is a definite promise I can keep. So no chapter every tuesday, but there will be updates when a chapter is written.**

**I hope that makes sense... anyway, was I the only one that thought it was weird how often 'pickle' came up in this chapter?**


	20. Ch 20: So Beastly!

"I always, ALWAYS, end up in situations like this!" Navi shouted, "And as usual, I always have to be stuck with _you_ freaks!"

"Yeah, _we're_ not exactly happy about it either." Linda said irritably.

The animals were all huddled together while Navi paced around anxiously. After the ground fell through last chapter they all went unconscious while being pummeled by snow and ice. A few hours later they woke up and found themselves stuck in some random hole deep within the cavern. But where's Link and Sheik?!

"We don't know . . ." Stephanie said dully.

"My guess is that we were all separated when the ground collapsed." Navi said.

"No shit Sherlock." Sage replied.

"Right now's not the time for your sarcasm!" Navi shouted.

"Any time's a good time for sarcasm!" Linda shouted. They suddenly hear maniacal laughing and look up towards the top of the hole.

"Kris!" They all shouted.

"You idiots really _are_ idiots! I can't believe you fell into my trap! Again!" Kris shouted.

"Just so you know; _you_ fell into your trap last time too." Cheyenne said.

"Yeah but-" Kris started to speak, but was hit in the face with a snowball and slipped into the hole with everyone else.

"You probably shouldn't make it a habit to fall into your own traps." Stephanie said.

"You assholes! Couldn't you just let me have my moment of glory?! I was _this_ close to not screwing up and making my dad proud!" Kris shouted.

"Sounds like a personal problem to me." Linda said.

"I don't care what father issues you're having; I just want to know how to get out of here." Navi said.

"Bastards! Don't you know anything about showing kindness and compassion?!" Kris shouted while kicking the snow around.

"Why should we be nice to _you_; you're the reason why we're in this mess." Sage said.

"And that's why you're single." Kris mocked.

"You don't know me _bitch_! It's because I look like a ten year old that I'm single!" Sage shouted.

"Well either way, I have a boyfriend and you don't!" Kris bragged.

"Sage, you may think you _look_ like a ten year old, but at least you don't _act_ like one." Stephanie said.

"She's a spoiled brat; what'd you expect?" Cheyenne asked.

"If you're wondering," Kris spoke; ignoring her enemies, "his name is Philippe." She said with a dreamy sigh (I guess that's how you would word it). She brings out a plastic Ken doll dressed in an orange Hawaiian print shirt and tan khaki shorts. "He promised we'd get married when I'm older." She finished with a giggle.

"And I thought Linda's Link fetish was weird." Stephanie said.

"You never know what kind of freaks you'd run into now-a-days." Cheyenne said.

"Oh like _you_ guys were never in love with a doll before." Kris said irritably.

"No . . ." The animals said.

"Well you guys can go straight to hell!" Kris shouted while clutching onto Ken/Philippe.

"GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Navi shouted while flying around Kris' head annoyingly.

Kris groans in frustration "FINE! I'll get us out of here if you quit bitching!"

"Yeah . . . that's something you'll have to learn to tune out." Sage said.

"Whatever," Kris says as she rolls her eyes. She looks up towards the top of the hole "SEAN! SEAN ARE YOU UP THERE?! WE NEED HELP!"

"Please tell me there's a plan B . . ." Stephanie said.

Kris turns to the animals "What do you mean? Sean was there a few minutes ago."

"I'm sure if he didn't rush to get you out of here the second you fell in, then he's probably gone." Sage said.

"Or maybe he's happy you fell in." Linda added.

"Well I _guess_ we could try to climb out." Kris said.

". . .IDIOTS! I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!" Navi shouted.

"Says the one just pissing everyone off instead of helping out." Linda said.

"You're not doing anything either!" Navi said.

"I'm observing." Linda said.

"Links' ass isn't around, there's nothing for _you_ to observe." Sage said.

"That's true." Linda said.

***WITH LINK AND SHERRI* **

They, of course, were in a different part of the cavern. They weren't as deep in the cavern as the animals and Navi were, but they were deep enough to where they couldn't find a way out. When they became conscious, they realized they were chained up and guarded by those wolfos Link was fighting last chapter! Link was able to get them free from the chains rather quickly, but killing the wolfos took some time.

"I'm gonna kill ya, then I'm gonna eat your babies!" One of the wolfos taunted while foaming at the mouth.

"I don't have babies." Link said. The wolfos jumped at him, but he quickly brought his shield up and it bounces off.

The wolfos growled, "Wait till I get my paws on those little rodents you call friends, I'll rip them apart and feed their insides to my nephews!"

Link glared at the wolfos before throwing his shield at its face and running his sword through its chest. It let out a piercing scream as it burst into blue flames and disintegrated into nothing. The other wolfos growled and charged at Link. He evaded the attack and picked up his shield.

"I'll make you regret stepping foot into my house!" the wolfos shouted.

"_This_ is your house?" Link said in surprise.

"Got a problem with it?" the wolfos asked.

"Well . . . couldn't you find a better place to live?" Link asked.

"Yeah, and how'd you get in here when the cave is surrounded by water?" Sheik asked.

"That's none of your business!" The wolfos shouted. It lunged towards Link but he shot it in the face with his hook shot. "OW! BASTARD! Why'd you do that?!" it screamed.

". . . Because you were attacking me." Link said.

"You could've at least _warned_ me you jackass!" the wolfos cried while rubbing its face.

"Sorry, but this is getting ridiculous and I have things to do." Link said before driving his sword into the wolfos' chest.

Sheik watches in amazement as the wolfos disintegrates into nothing; then he turns to Link "I'm happy you saved my life and all, but don't you think that was kind of unfair?"

Link turns to Sheik "He was trying to _kill_ me!"

"You're right, you're right," Sheik said as he slowly lifted himself off the ground; making sure not to put any pressure on his sprained foot, "just remind me to never piss you off."

"You're getting there . . ." Link muttered.

"I'm starting to think you're hanging around those animals a little too much." Sheik said.

"Of course, they're my friends." Link said.

"Yes of course, so where to now?" Sheik asked.

"Hell if I know, let's just wander around until we either find a way out or find the others." Link said. He lets Sheik put an arm around his shoulder for support and they slowly head out, "I'm starting to wonder why _we_ were the only ones taken here and chained up like that."

"Well who's to say that the animals aren't chained around here somewhere? Hell, who's to say they're not already dead?!" Sheik said.

"Yeah . . . let's change the subject." Link said.

***BACK TO THE ANIMALS***

"Wait what?" Stephanie asked, "You just transitioned over to Link and Sheik; we haven't prepared any dialogue yet."

"Improvisation in three, two, one!" Sage shouted.

They spent a good thirty minutes trying to climb out of the hole they were stuck in but nothing worked! They were about to call it quits when FINALLY _Sean_ decides to show up. He looks down the hole and scowls when he realizes the animals just arguing about improvisation and such.

"Is there anything else you guys can do besides fall into holes?" _Sean_ teased. They all look up at him.

"Yeah . . . I can kick your ass; I mean, if you come down here." Sage said.

"I don't know why you think you're threatening; you're just a rat." _Sean_ said.

"Yeah, Sheik said the same thing and ended up getting his face rearranged." Cheyenne said.

_Sean_ rolls his eyes "Well if you want me to get you out you're going to have to be nice."

"Oh SEAN! You came back for me!" Kris said with a gleam in her eye.

"I had no other choice; you're my boss's daughter." _Sean_ said irritably.

"What a touching relationship you two have." Linda said.

"So are you going to get us out of here or not?" Navi asked.

"Sorry, but I'm only here for the pig," _Sean_ said. He jumped into the hole, grabbed Kris, and jumped his way out of the hole again.

"Oh Sean, you're such a dream stick!" Kris squealed.

"Philippe's going to be really angry if you keep flirting with other men." Sage said.

"Kiss my ass! I may flirt with Sean, but what Philippe and I have is unbreakable!" Kris shouted.

"That's what all the psychotic bitches say." Sage said. Kris sticks her tongue out at Sage.

"Hey fairy! Can't you just fly out of here? You _do_ have wings." _Sean_ said to Navi after setting Kris on the ground.

"I was thinking of the well-being of the retards around me!" Navi said irritably.

"What for? You don't like us." Linda said.

"If you died then Link would be really sad and all of Hyrule would be at stake because he'd be too depressed to save it!" Navi shouted.

"Why don't you just admit that you like us?" Linda teased.

"Don't say things that make me want to barf!" Navi shouted.

"I don't see why the birds and the fairy don't go out and look for help." _Sean_ said.

"We wouldn't have to if you saved us." Stephanie said.

"You do realize we're enemies right?" _Sean_ asked.

"Come on Sean, we used to be great buddies! Don't turn your back on us now when we—yeah, that douchebag just left us . . ." Sage said as _Sean_ and Kris walked away.

"Well . . . I guess Cheyenne and I could fly everyone out of the hole; I'm sure it won't be that hard." Stephanie said.

"I think you're forgetting that you'll have to carry Linda." Navi said.

"But no one will ever forget that you're a skanky bitch." Linda replied.

"All right, let's get Linda up first." Cheyenne said; Stephanie nodded.

After some struggle and dizziness they got Linda out of the hole! Then Sage just rode on Stephanie's back out of the hole! That wasn't too hard now was it?!

"Speak for yourself." Navi said.

"I don't want to hear _you_ complaining." Stephanie said.

"I wasn't _that_ heavy, was I?" Linda asked.

"No, I'm just teasing." Stephanie said.

"Don't lie, we all know she's fat; now let's go find Link!" Navi shouted.

"God I can't wait for the day I can eat you." Linda said irritably.

***BACK TO LINK AND SHELDON***

They were just walking around aimlessly until they actually came to a door! Link cautiously opens it and they go in. they see the small room looks different from the rest of the cavern; the walls were black with colorful designs decorating it and there was a chest in the middle of the room! So exciting!

"Do you think it's anything important?" Sheik asked.

"I was about to ask you the same thing." Link said.

Sheik shrugs "Only one way to find out I guess."

Link nods, opens the chest, and pulls out the IRON BOOTS! But only for a second because the weight of the boots causes Link to drop them on Sheiks' already sprained foot.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Sheik cried while flailing his arms in the air.

"Sorry!" Link said, trying to lift the boots off Sheiks' foot, "these things are heavy!"

"Yes . . . yes, they are . . ." Sheik said after Link managed to pull the boots off.

"What am I supposed to do with these?" Link asked.

"Burn them! Burn them and _never_ lift them again!" Sheik said.

"But why would someone just leave them in a chest like this?" Link asked. The door suddenly opens and Kris walks in.

"Sean, are you in here?!" Kris shouts; her eyes land on Link and Sheik, "Oh, it's the rest of the dumb squad."

"What?" Link and Sheik ask.

"I had the misfortune of bumping in to your rude animal friends earlier; I think they're looking for you or something." Kris said, uninterested.

"Great, can you take us to them?" Link asked.

"Nope; don't remember where they are. In fact, I have no idea where I am or where to go." Kris said before bringing out Philippe and petting his face, "but at least we have each other."

". . . Yeah . . . You wouldn't happen to have dropped some boots, would you?" Sheik asked.

Kris gave Sheik an irritated glare "I don't wear shoes . . ."

"Oh yes, how could I forget?" Sheik said to himself.

"Have you guys seen Sean around here? He left me behind again." Kris said.

"Who's Sean?" Link asked.

"You're kidding, right?" Kris said in disbelief. Link stares at her blankly and she rolls her eyes "I'm out of here." She says before turning around and leaving the room.

"Well that could've gone better." Sheik said.

"I think we should follow her." Link said.

"Why?" Sheik asked.

"Just in case she goes back to the others." Link said.

"And if she doesn't?" Sheik asked.

"I guess we'll find out who this Sean character is." Link said.

"You seriously don't know who he is?" Sheik asked.

"No, is that bad?" Link asked.

"I guess not, but you'll just have to ask your animal friends about him." Sheik said.

"So basically everyone knows about Sean but me?" Link asked.

"Pretty much; I wonder why no one ever told you about him." Sheik said.

"Me too." Link said irritably.

"Now about those boots." Sheik said, changing the subject. They both stare at the boots with disgust. "Maybe . . . there's-"

"Look! I found a button!" Link shouted.

He pressed it and the boots transformed into one of those 'easy buttons'. They glance at each other with confusion before shrugging it off. Link grabbed the button and stuck it where all his other items went. They walked out of the room and trailed behind Kris for a while. It didn't take them very long to realize Kris wasn't lying when she said she didn't know where she was going.

"Damn it!" Kris shouted as she kicked the ground in frustration, "Where the hell did he go?!"

"HEY little GIRL!" A voice sang rather loudly.

Kris jumped from the surprise and turned around to see who it was; a weird looking snow beast! "What the hell are you?"

"MY name IS Snorchub, I live IN this CAVERN. What's YOUR name LITTLE girl?" Snorchub asked happily.

". . . Willy . . . Willy Wonka." Kris lied.

Snorchub clapped in excitement "That's SUCH a GOOD name!"

"Yes . . . now if you'll excuse me-" Kris tried to say, but Snorchub pulled her into a big snow beast hug.

"WE'LL be FRIENDS for EEEEEVER!" Snorchub shouted. He, I'm going to guess it's a 'he', happily swung Kris back and forth; Kris started doing a retarded pig squeal as tears ran down her face. Link and Sheik decide it was time to come out of hiding, for some reason, to help Kris.

"Mr. Snorchub sir?" Link said; trying to get Snorchub's attention.

Snorchub turned to Link and smiled "Friiiieeend."

"Actually, about that, we were just wondering if you could put her down; you're kind of crushing her." Link said.

Snorchub looked at Kris crying hysterically "but SHE looks OKAY to ME."

". . . I think it would be best to let her go . . . please." Link said.

Snorchub glares at Link and holds on to Kris even tighter "NO! She's MY friend!"

"Help . . . me. . ." Kris choked out.

"I'm sorry but you made me do this." Link said as he brings out his easy button. He presses it and quickly throws it at Snorchub. It transformed back into iron boots just as it flew to Snorchubs' head! As he was being pummeled by metal boots he accidentally let go of Kris. She fell to the ground and gasped for air. When she regained some composure she crawled away from Snorchub.

"Are you okay?" Sheik asked.

"You saved me!" Kris shouted to Link with a gleam in her eye.

"Of course I did . . . it's kind of my job." Link said.

"But you saved _me_!" Kris said while stepping closer to Link.

". . . Y-yeah . . ." Link said, feeling uncomfortable.

"WAAAAH!" Snorchub cried, "why YOU hit ME in THE face FOR?!" he picked up and threw the boots back at Link . . . and missed horribly. Link collected his boots and clicked them back into the easy button.

"Should we just go?" Link asked as they watched Snorchub have a hissy fit. Sheik shrugs.

"I'll go where ever you go." Kris said dreamily.

"NO! no PEOPLE'S go UNTIL snorchub SAYS you CAN go!" Snorchub shouted.

"We don't have time for this." Sheik said irritably.

Snorchub gets really angry upon hearing his newly found friends will be leaving him. So what's a crazy snow beast to do? Well first, he rips off some of his chest hair and throws it in the air! Then he starts kicking the walls which causes the _whole_ cavern to shake! Now all that's left to do is bury everyone alive to ensure no one escapes from him ever again!

"We need to get the hell out of here!" Sheik shouted.

"I agree." Link agreed.

"Oh Philippe! Will this be the end of us?!" Kris cried.

Link did his best to get the hurt Sheik and the crying Kris out of harm's way, but once Snorchub noticed them trying to escape he ran after them! Now all three of them were screaming for their lives while going two miles per hour! Just as Snorchub was about to grab his prey he's hit in the back of the head with a snowball!

Snorchub stops and turns around "WHO threw THAT?!"

"Leave Link alone!" Linda shouted with the rest of the dumb squad next to her. "_I'm_ the only one allowed to chase his fine ass while causing an earthquake!"

"Link!" Navi shouted happily.

"Guys!" Link shouted happily, "You're all okay!"

"What a nice reunion . . ." Sheik said monotonously.

"NOBODY leaves UNLESS snorchub SAYS so!" Snorchub shouted. He gathers up snow to form a huge snowball and throws it at the animals. They scurry away then run passed Snorchub and run to Link.

"Let's get the hell out of here!" Sage shouted.

"Trying." Link replied; helping the injured Sheik move a little closer to freedom.

"Damn it Sheik! Why'd you have to hurt your foot at a time like this?!" Navi shouted.

"It wasn't my fault!" Sheik shouted back.

"Can't you give him a piggy back ride or something Link?" Cheyenne asked.

"It would just make it harder to walk on the ice." Link said.

"Plus if he falls they're both screwed." Sage added.

"They kind of already are." Stephanie said.

JUST THEN! They were all picked up by a huge snowball! They were rolled back into the room with the spike trap. The huge snowball crashed into a wall and they all fell to the ground.

"I officially hate snow." Cheyenne said.

"Eh, we're in a love/hate relationship." Linda said.

"Thank the Goddesses! We're close to the exit!" Navi shouted. They see Snorchub walk into the room with another huge snowball in his hands.

"All right let's go!" Stephanie shouted.

They run towards the hallway leading to the exit while also avoiding the spike trap circling the room. Snorchub launches the snowball at them only to have it miss and crash into a wall. Our heroes hurry down the hallway while Snorchub is forming another snowball and chasing them down.

"I can see sunlight!" Navi shouted happily.

"I can see another snowball!" Stephanie shouted unhappily.

They all scream for their lives as they hear a snowball rolling up to them. Of course they weren't fast enough and the snowball picked them up. But because Snorchub isn't the smartest snow beast out there, the snowball didn't stop them from leaving the cavern; it rolled them out and into the lake of pickle juice!

"NO! snorchub DIDN'T say YOU could GO!" Snorchub shouted as he watched the snowball drift away.

The pickle juice melted the snowball pretty quick. Luckily for Sheik they were close to the Zora's domain entrance so he didn't have to swim very far. As they stepped out of the pickle juice and on to land they felt so much more . . . smelly.

"I should've stayed in the pudding filled domain if I knew this shit was going to happen." Sage said.

"Link, you better have the iron boots!" Linda said.

"Oh yeah, I do." Link said as he brought out his easy button.

"Those aren't boots." Cheyenne said. Link clicked the button and they transformed into boots.

"Sweet! Now all we need is the water tunic!" Linda said.

"I don't understand; how are these boots able to turn into a button?" Stephanie asked.

"Who cares, he got them didn't he?" Sage said.

"But there's no possible way they have the technology to do that! _We_ don't even have the technology to do that!" Stephanie shouted.

"Well if you want to go back to the cave to ask that weird man beast about it, be my guest." Sage said.

"You guys wouldn't happen to know where Kris is, would you?" Link asked while looking around.

"She was with you?" Navi asked.

"Yeah, just until that snow beast started chasing us." Sheik said.

"Maybe she ran away before we got there." Linda said.

"_Sean_ probably got her out of there." Sage said.

"Speaking of which, how come you guys never told me about this Sean person?" Link asked.

"Because the story about _Sean_ reminds us how creepy Linda can be . . . and that's not exactly a good thing to remember." Stephanie said.

"What?" Link asked.

"While you were in the Sacred Realm we did some experiments to turn us human again, but ultimately failed and ended up making another you." Cheyenne said.

"What?" Link asked.

"I think you'll just have to meet him." Cheyenne said.

"Who's up for a bath?!" Sage shouted.

"Actually, I better get out of here." Sheik said.

"Why?" Link asked.

"Because I just came to teach you a song." Sheik said.

". . . but you didn't teach me a song." Link pointed out.

"OH YEAH! How could I forget?!" Sheik said, mostly to himself. He brings out a banjo and plays the Serenade of Water. "Did you learn it yet?"

"What happened to your harp?" Link asked.

"That doesn't matter; did you learn the song?" Sheik asked; a little irritated.

"Can you play it again?" Link asked while bringing out his ocarina. Sheik reluctantly plays the song on his banjo again, "Can you play it a little slower?" Link asked innocently. Sheik glares at Link, but plays the song again. This continues on for a few minutes until Sheik finally gets really pissed.

"Okay that's it! I'm done! I know it doesn't normally take you this long to learn a damn song! If you want to learn the Serenade of Water you can teach yourself!" Sheik shouted before doing some kind of whistle to call something over. In just a few seconds that damn Kaepora Gaebora flew over, grabbed Sheik, and started to fly away. Our heroes kind of just stood there awestruck from the whole experience.

"Take this you little shits!" The owl shouted just before he flew off. A stink bomb hit the floor and our heroes retreated inside the domain.

"That asshole!" Sage coughed, "I'll kill him the next time I see him!"

"That stink bomb smelt like my uncle's fart mixed with chocolate and cabbage." Cheyenne said with disgust.

"That's always nice to know." Sage said.

"And a little bit more detailed than I would have liked." Linda said.

"But now that I think about it Sheik was right; you don't normally take thirty minutes to learn a song." Stephanie said to Link.

Link smirked "That was just a little payback for slowing me down in the cavern."

"Link!" Navi shouted; a little surprised and disappointed in his behavior.

"I think I love you even more." Linda said proudly.

* * *

**I just realized this but . . . why does it take them so damn long to get to the next temple?! SERIOUSLY! It takes them like two chapters to get there and then they're there for another two chapters! No wonder this story seems to drag on for so long!**

**I dunno, i'm just rambling I guess, but ya . . .**

**Thanks for the wonderful reviews Zeldafreak2000 and kurasa42, makes me much more happier about my life. Also, thank you Inkweaver22, Guest, AShortlittleDarling(Ex-editor :l), and Demichy for your reviews from a while back. I think I'll just start thanking all those who review my story. It may not be much, but if the story makes you smile then I'm happy!**

**BUH-BYE!**


	21. Ch 21: Misunderstood Much?

Our heroes are once again being chased by angry Zoras . . . _One_ zora to be exact . . . the shop keeper to be even more precise. Yes, unfortunately our heroes had to resort to thievery again (Good Job Guys! :D). Since the Zora King is dead and all no one gave them the blue tunic so they thought it would be okay to just take one from the shop. How they came up with _that_ conclusion; we'll never know.

"This is all your fault Linda!" Stephanie shouted.

"You should just be happy we got Link the tunic!" Linda said.

"Just admit that you're a dumbass and shut up!" Navi shouted.

"NEVER!" Linda retorted.

They ran down Zora's river and dodged all the dead fish the shop keeper was throwing at them. When they reached Hyrule field they saw Epona next to the river. They jumped on and rode off into the sunset . . . And towards Lake Hylia.

"Why didn't we just warp there with the Serenade of Water?" Sage asked.

"Because we like making things harder on ourselves." Stephanie said irritably.

"It just wouldn't be the same if we didn't." Linda said.

"So explain to me again why we stole this shirt." Cheyenne said; looking at the blue tunic tied around Linda's' neck like a cape.

"Is _that_ why the shopkeeper was chasing us?!" Link asked in surprise. Everyone gives him an odd look.

"Of course it is, why else would he have been chasing us?" Sage asked.

"I thought animals weren't allowed in the shop or something . . . and he was a big stickler on obeying shop rules." Link said.

"You must've not been looking when Linda took it." Stephanie said.

"That's because while you heathens were causing trouble again; Link was being a law-abiding citizen and properly looking at the stores products with no intent on taking it for _free_." Navi said irritably.

"Can you say that again without using such big words?" Linda asked; feigning ignorance.

Navi glares at Linda "Why do you have to be such a dumbass all the time?!"

"Why do you have to be such a whiny bitch?" Linda retorted.

"That's enough you guys; we have more important things to worry about." Link said.

"Yeah, like where the hell a duck get some food around here." Stephanie said.

"If you wait a while longer we'll be able to catch fish at Lake Hylia." Link said.

"I doubt it since it's all dried out." Linda said.

"Since when?" They all (but Sage) asked.

"Since Link went seven years into the future, duh." Linda said.

"But the lake was just fine when we were there." Cheyenne pointed out.

"Yeah, but that was quite a while ago; a lot could've happened since then." Linda said.

"You talk like you know something we don't." Navi said.

"That's because I do. . . probably." Linda said.

And sure enough, when they got to Lake Hylia the lake was almost dried out. Link stopped Epona next to the Professor's house and jumped off; the animals did the same. The sun was about to go down so they decided to ask the Professor if they could stay the night. They walk up to the door and Link knocks on it. A few seconds later the Professor swings open the door.

"Whatever you're selling I don't want it." The Professor stated. He's about to close the door but Link stops him.

"Actually, we're not here to sell you anything." Link said.

"We?" the Professor questioned; seeing how it was just Link standing in his doorway.

"Professor!" The animals shouted happily.

The Professors' expression brightened up when seeing his old friends "You guys are still alive!"

"Did you really think we'd die that easily?" Stephanie asked.

"I was a little worried yes." The Professor said.

"Ye of little faith." Sage said.

"So Professor, do you think we could crash here for tonight and maybe grab a bite to eat? We'll go catch dinner of course." Linda said.

The Professor looks at Linda with confusion "What do you mean by 'crash here'? You better not be leaving any gigantic holes in my house; it's almost winter I'll have you know."

"No, what she means is if it's all right with you, can we stay the night?" Cheyenne said.

"Oh, well why didn't you say so?! Of course you can!" The Professor said, ushering them inside.

"Thanks a lot." Link said.

"Hey now, I've never seen you before." The Professor said.

"Oh sorry, my name is Link and this is my fairy Navi." Link said.

"Hello sir and thank you for letting us stay the night." Navi said.

"Oh of course, of course, you must be that fellow that got lost in the castle courtyard for seven years." The Professor said.

"What?" Link and Navi questioned.

"Are you not the one that got lost in the castle while running away from the she-demon and her witch servant?" The Professor asked.

Navi glared at the animals then looked back at the Professor "Please tell me you don't actually believe that lie."

"Makes sense to me; I mean, you were missing for seven years." The Professor said.

"Because we were in the Sacred Realm!" Navi shouted.

"Is Zelda really a demon?" Link asked.

"Who's Zelda?" The Professor asked.

"What do you mean _who's Zelda_?! She's the princess of Hyrule!" Navi said.

"I don't know if you noticed, but I haven't left my house/laboratory in over sixty years; I don't even know who the princess was when I was a kid." The Professor explained.

"I bet you don't even know Lake Hylia is almost dried out." Navi said irritably.

"Now you're getting it." The Professor said happily, "Wait, Lake Hylia dried out?" He asked in surprise. Navi rolls her eyes.

"All right, everybody just _calm_ down." Sage said.

"I don't want to hear anymore lies!" Navi shouted.

"No, the Professor just misunderstood us." Stephanie said.

"What do you mean?" Link asked.

"We told him about our adventures at the castle and that you were going to be asleep for seven years and I guess he took that and kind of made up his own story." Stephanie explained.

"He _is_ senile." Linda said.

"Yes, I am at that age, aren't I?" The Professor agreed.

"You seriously think we're going to believe that?" Navi asked irritably.

"Why not? I can't control what comes out of my mouth anymore ass licker." The Professor said with a smile.

". . . maybe we should just find something to eat and call it a night." Link suggested.

"I kind of want to hear some stories from him." Linda said.

"Leave him alone." Navi said irritably.

"So Professor," Sage said, ignoring Navi, "How's that human potion going?"

"I feel like I failed you." The Professor said.

"Why?" The animals asked.

"Because the potion was kidnapped by aliens and taken to the Gerudo Fortress for experimenting, but when they realized they didn't have the technology for experimenting they threw it into space to see how it would react to the sun." Cheyenne explained.

"And I thought you finally got your head back together." Sage said.

"I've been fighting the urge to stare at things that are usually glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"And how'd that work out?" Linda asked.

"That shark is glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"Your sanity didn't last too long, did it?" Linda said.

"I don't want to hear that from you." Navi said.

"Oh, well that's understandable since sharks eat meat and whatnot." Stephanie said, referring to Cheyenne and the shark.

"Yeah, but I've never seen them eat a bird." Linda said.

"Want to find out?" Cheyenne asked.

"Are you offering yourself up as a sacrifice?" Sage asked.

"Oh shit!" Cheyenne screamed, "I almost forgot I was a bird."

"Why the hell is there a shark here in the first place?" Navi asked.

"I got lonely after the animals ran off to save you two; so I stole this bad boy from my next door neighbor." The Professor said.

"Wow, you really are senile." Link said.

"And we're just going to forget the fact that he himself had to drag that shark all the way over here, squeeze it through the front door, and toss it in this weird diving tank?" Navi asked irritably.

"When you're lonely, you're lonely." Linda said.

"NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!" Navi shouted.

"I'm going to go look for dinner, why don't you come with me Navi?" Link asked.

"Please! I need to get out of here!" Navi shouted as she flew out the door.

"We'll be back later." Link said.

Link walks out and closes the door behind him. The animals turn to the Professor and he gives them an innocent smile. They give him an unpleased look.

"So what really happened to the human potion?" Stephanie asked.

"Oh, well I thought that subject was dropped already." The Professor said nervously.

"Come on Professor, fess up." Linda said.

"All right, I just can't lie to you girls." The Professor said with a sigh, "That little pig thing came back and stole it."

"Damn you Miss Piggy!" Sage shouted.

"Kris." Stephanie corrected.

"When did she get it?!" Sage asked.

"A few days ago." The Professor said, "But I've been trying to recreate the potion; that's why that shark is here."

"Why would you need the shark?" Stephanie asked.

". . . Maybe because the shark is the pond owner . . ." The Professor admitted.

"You turned the pond owner into a shark?" Cheyenne asked in disbelief. The Professor nodded.

"Thank God!" Linda shouted, "He was a pain in the ass! Honestly Professor, you did Hyrule a favor."

"Maybe, but I still haven't gotten anywhere with the potion." The Professor said.

"That's fine Professor, we'll figure it out together." Stephanie said.

"No, we have to start _completely_ from scratch! That pig took _everything_! From all the notes we took to the book Miss Impa gave you!" The Professor said hopelessly.

"But why would she need all that stuff?" Sage asked.

"Probably to turn herself back into human." Cheyenne said.

"Or maybe to perfect _Sean_." Stephanie added.

"He's perfect the way he is." Linda said.

"I had a feeling you'd say that, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a possibility." Stephanie said.

"Either way we don't have anything! I can't turn you back into humans!" The Professor said.

"Don't worry about it Professor, like I said, we'll figure it out." Stephanie said.

"I can try, I'll probably mess it up again, but I can try." Sage offered.

"I meant that the Professor and I could figure out." Stephanie said.

"Oh, well that works too." Sage said.

***With Link and Navi***

They were walking across the bridges with Navi complaining about the animals. Link did his best to tune out the complaining and seem like he was interested; you know, so he doesn't hurt her feelings. Once they got to the little island with the tree and transportation platform thing Link decided enough was enough.

"Come on Navi, They're not that bad." Link said with a frustrated sigh.

"Easy for you to say; they never treat _you_ like shit!" Navi said.

"It's all just fun and games." Link said.

"Sure, until someone loses an eye! And I'm really hoping its Linda." Navi said.

"Why not have them _all_ lose their eyes?!" A familiar voice suggested.

"Not a bad idea." Navi said.

Link and Navi look up towards the top of the tree and see Kris "What are you doing up there?" Link asked.

"I'm always watching you." Kris said.

"That sounds like something Linda would say." Navi said.

"Aren't you guys supposed to be looking for food? Why the hell are you over here?" Kris asked.

"Mostly exploring," Link said with a shrug, "but there's just so much food you can find in a dried up lake."

"Smart ass." Kris muttered irritably.

"So, again, what are you doing up there?" Link asked.

Kris looked at them seriously "There's something I have to tell you."

Link and Navi glance at each other with odd expressions then turn back to Kris "Okay, what is it?" Link asked.

Kris jumps down from the tree and lands in front of Link "It's all lies."

"What?" Link asked.

"Those rodents you call friends; they're lying." Kris said.

"See! I told you those good for nothing little shits are . . . good for nothing!" Navi shouted.

"What they say about Zelda, where they came from, even Sean! They're all lies!" Kris shouted.

"How would you know?" Link asked suspiciously.

"Because we used to be great friends back on Earth." Kris said with tears in her eyes.

"Earth? I'm pretty sure that's where they said they came from." Link said.

"Seriously?!" Kris asked; surprised, "I figured they would've made up some random name."

"I thought they did at first too, but now that you're saying it I kind of believe them." Navi said.

"I never thought I'd hear you say that." Link said.

"Hey, we've agreed on a few things before; like our hatred for the bomb brothers." Navi said.

"Sure _that_ may have been true, but they've lied to you about basically everything else! You can ask them!" Kris said while stomping her hoof.

"Listen, Kris, I know you don't like them but making up stuff like this is kind of-" Link started.

"Zelda's not a demon!" Kris shouted.

"We kind of already know that." Link said.

"They're the ones that broke the bridge outside Hyrule market, and the bridge leading to Gerudo valley, and they killed Dampe!" Kris shouted.

"Why are you trying so hard to get me to hate them . . . Wait, _they_ killed Dampe?" Link asked.

"Don't act so surprised." Navi said dully.

Kris screams in frustration "You just don't understand! I'm losing . . ." she stopped herself from finishing her sentence.

"What are you talking about?" Link asked.

". . . They're just using you! They never wanted to be your friend or help you; they just wanted some idiot to protect them as they prance around Hyrule!" Kris shouted.

"That's not true." Link said irritably.

"Yes it is! Those seven years you were gone they were finding a way to turn human again so they could leave you behind! Not only that, but since they got tired of waiting for you they created a replacement!" Kris shouted.

"What?" Link asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, Sean is your replacement. He's in the water temple right now! Go see him!" Kris said.

" . . . I don't believe you." Link said hesitantly.

"Then why have they never told you about Sean?" Kris asked.

"I don't know-" Link spoke.

"Or why haven't they told you anything about what they did those seven years you were gone?" Kris interrupted.

"Because-"

"How do you know they think so highly of you? Maybe it's just because you _want_ to think everything's all right between you guys." Kris kept going.

"I just-"

"Are you sure they even consider you a friend?" Kris pressured Link.

"But-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" It was Navi who interrupted this time, "Those retards may be a lot of things, but one thing I know they're not is Link's enemy! If they were just using Link then they wouldn't be putting their lives on the line to help him save Hyrule! We know they're not always honest, but they'd never betray Link!"

Link and Kris stare at Navi in disbelief which she just rolls her eyes to, "I only say that because Link doesn't deserve to do this on his own. I worry about him as his guide and to have him have these unnecessary thoughts just because some pig has nothing better to do . . . well, I won't allow that."

Kris glares at the two for a while until she finally admits defeat "Oh never mind! But you'll be sorry!" she shouted before throwing a deku nut on the ground and flashing away.

Link turns to Navi with a gentle smile ". . . I . . . I honestly don't know what to say."

Navi turns a shade of pink "Oh shut up! I did it for you and _only_ you!"

"Yeah but, I never thought I'd see the day you'd stand up for them." Link said with a chuckle.

Navi sighs "Listen Link, I didn't want to talk about this with Kris around but . . . I'm not saying she's right or anything, but I do think we need to investigate a little more about those animals."

"What?" Link asked.

"I know you probably think I'm over thinking this or something, but just hear me out." Navi said, Link nodded hesitantly, "we know nothing about those animals Link. Sure they're from some different planet but that's all the more reason to be suspicious of them. What makes you so sure that they're really on _our_ side? We've seen them do criminal acts; some of which you got involved in. You're at a point in your quest to save Hyrule where being on guard is a high priority."

"But they're not bad!" Link said.

"They're not good either! It's time you figure out where they stand in this fight between good and evil." Navi said then noticed Link's miserable expression and sighs "Don't get the wrong idea Link I really do hope they're trustworthy; mostly because I can't stand to see you alone. I'm you're guide and I want what's best for you . . . even if that means getting rid of those idiots that you, for some odd reason, really like."

Link cracks a smile and nods ". . . I still say they're good."

". . . For your sake I hope they are." Navi replied.

***TO THE ANIMALS***

"Ten frog eyes, seven strands of Octorok hair, and . . ." The Professor said as he pondered what was in the potion.

"Half a cup of tektite blood." Stephanie finished for him.

"Oh yes, how could I forget!" The Professor said.

"Octoroks have hair?" Linda asked.

"Is all that stuff seriously what you guys used to make the potion?" Sage asked.

"Of course." The Professor said.

"I think I'll pass on turning into human now." Cheyenne said.

"Oh come on, it's not like you have to drink it." Stephanie said.

"Well that's not entirely true," the Professor said; the animals glare at him "Well the effects of the potion need to affect your _whole_ body, inside and out." He explained.

"If we rub it on our body won't the potion just seep into our pores or something?" Cheyenne asked.

"Wouldn't that be the same as drinking it?" Sage asked.

"Maybe, but at least I won't taste it." Cheyenne said.

"It unfortunately doesn't work that way." The Professor said.

"Then why did you test it on Link's strand of hair last time?" Linda asked.

"It was just a test; I didn't want to have you drink it and possibly die." The Professor said.

"Yeah, we would never have you guys drink anything we didn't know was deadly or not." Stephanie said.

"But you had us drink many failed experiments before that." Sage pointed out.

"Yeah, but they weren't deadly." Stephanie said.

"I'm just happy the last one didn't cause any mayhem." The Professor said.

"I wouldn't say he didn't cause some trouble though." Cheyenne said.

"You can go head and make as many Links as you want." Linda said happily.

"It really seems like we were coming up with some kind of 'copy' potion." The Professor said.

"So if we used that potion on Linda we'd get another Linda?" Sage asked.

"Unfortunately yes." The Professor said.

"What do you mean _unfortunately_?" Linda asked irritably.

"That way if you die we can make a replacement." Sage said.

"Replace who?" Link asked. They all looked towards the front door and see Link and Navi.

"Did you find any food?!" Linda asked expectantly.

Link ignores Linda's question "Replace who?"

"Uh . . . anybody really." The Professor replied, "Stephanie and I came up with some kind of 'copy' potion, still in the works of course, that somehow duplicates things. We tested it on a strand of your hair in fact."

". . . and that's where the Sean character came from, right?" Link asked.

"Indeed." The Professor said.

"In other words, you replaced me?" Link asked.

"Link what's wrong? Did something happen out there? You're usually not one to freak out about the little things." Stephanie asked.

"Do you need a tight squeeze?" Linda asked.

Link gives his friends a stern look "I honestly don't think being replaced by some _nobody_ is considered a _little_ thing."

"Link, calm down, just tell us what's wrong." Cheyenne said.

"Okay, then tell me this; are you only using me to turn back into humans?" Link asked.

"Link, we haven't made any progress in turning back into humans." Stephanie pointed out.

"But the only reason you even talked to me was just to turn back human, right?" Link asked irritably.

"Well . . . it was mostly so we could sneak into the castle and save Kayla, but that didn't work out as planned." Sage said.

"Either way, I was just some tool for you guys." Link said.

"Link, let's be rational." Navi mothered.

"If anything, _we_ are kind of like to-" Cheyenne started.

"Stop making it seem like _we're_ the bad guys!" Sage interrupted, "We haven't tried taking over Hyrule or killed anyone!"

"What about Dampe?!" Link asked.

Sage started to get a little nervous "Well . . . I wasn't exactly there when it happened, but . . ."

"So basically you're admitting to being a criminal!" Link noted.

"Link, I think what the pig said is getting to your head." Navi said.

"We _criminals_ have done nothing but help you!" Sage shouted, "How many times did you depend on us for answers? Or how many bad situations we got you out of?"

"Most of which you got us into." Navi added, referring to the animals.

"We're on your side, why are you having such a hard time believing that?!" Sage shouted.

"Because I feel like you've just been lying to me right from the start!" Link shouted.

"Link, I'm sure we've lied to you many times before, but trust me when I tell you that most of them were just for fun. If it were anything serious, we wouldn't lie about it." Stephanie explained.

"Waaahhh! Link don't leave meeee!" Linda shouted as she clung to Links' boot with tears in her eyes.

"I . . . I don't know who to believe anymore." Link said.

"You don't know who to believe?" Sage mocked, "how about believing in the friends that were with you every step of the way? Sure a lot of shit happened while you were in the Sacred Realm that we didn't tell you about, but we were there when you left _and_ when you came back."

"And hey, we're still here now." Cheyenne added.

"Link, don't leave me." Linda said; still clutching on to his boot.

Link sighs, steps away from Linda, and turns toward the door "Sorry guys . . . I think I'd rather go to the next temple alone."

"What?!" the animals asked in surprise.

"I just need some time to think." Link said.

"About what? About how your friends stayed by your side your whole adventure with no ulterior motives?!" Sage shouted.

Link turns back towards the animals "Do you understand how badly I want to believe you right now?! What am I supposed to do if you guys betray me and I'm left all alone?!"

"Link, I'll still be here." Navi said.

"We'll never betray you!" Linda said; obviously ignoring Navi.

"I just need some time to sort out my feelings. . ." Link said.

"By yourself?! I thought you didn't want to be alone." Stephanie said.

"I just need to." Link said.

The animals stare at Link, hoping he'd change his mind about going alone. He sighs again "I'll be back by morning." He mutters as he heads out the door. They all just watch in silence.

"Link, why not just let them go? That's the only way you'll find out their true intentions." Navi asked as they headed into the dried up lake.

Link stops walking and turns to Navi "Navi, stay here with them."

"Excuse me?!" Navi asked in surprise.

"I said I wanted some time to think." Link said.

"But Link I'm your guide!" Navi said.

"I'll be fine." Link said before continuing down into the dried up lake.

Navi watches him in shock for a while before she finally decides to head back into the Professor's house. They all just stare at her with raised eyebrows.

"Link didn't want me to go." Navi said.

"Can you blame him?" Linda asked.

"Oh shut up!" Navi shouted.

* * *

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!... ya... I was planning on having two chapters up for christmas and another surprise, but obviously that didn't work out the way I wanted it to. But I hope you guys had a great Christmas none the less. Mine didn't really feel like Christmas, but that's probably because it never snows where I live. meh. Whatever.**

**I've started the next chapter, 5 pages written already(Woo?!), and it's almost done so i'll post that on New Years . . . maybe sooner since it's supposed to be a Christmas present and then I'll also have the surprise done with it so I'll write about it at the end of the chapter. **

**I hope this chapter met up to your standards; I'm no good with writing arguments so it may seem a little awkward. Either way, Merry Christmas again and I'll see you next chapter, which hopefully will be soon! BUH-BYE**


	22. Ch 22: Blubbery Temple

"Fish tail?! Seriously?! Why the hell would he need fish tail?!" Sage shouted in frustration.

Sage, Cheyenne, and Linda are at the fishing pond fishing on the Professor's request for fish tail. It's essential for the potion he's making and since the pond owner is busy being a shark they don't have to pay. This time they were standing outside of the pond next to the lily pads so they wouldn't possibly get eaten by any more sharks.

"I miss Liiiink!" Linda shouted.

"It's not like he's leaving us or anything; he'll be back in a few hours . . . probably." Sage said.

"It seems he's a little at war with himse—do those lily pads look like they're glaring at us?" Cheyenne asked suspiciously.

"Geez, you're paranoid central today." Sage said.

"I just . . . I don't know, I just get the feeling we're being watched. . . and when they get their hands on us they're going to boil us in hot butter and mummify us with duct tape! Then after they're done cleaning us with lint rollers they have a dog named Jericho taste test us!" Cheyenne explained before bursting out in to tears. Sage and Linda look at each other with confused expressions.

"She must be Link deprived; like me." Linda said.

"Or just paranoid again; I thought you got over that weird phase." Sage said.

"Yeah, but I just wouldn't be Cheyenne if I didn't get paranoid every now and then." Cheyenne said.

"Oh yeah." Sage and Linda agreed.

After a good hour of fishing they were only able to catch three small fish. Hoping that would be enough they left the pond and headed back to the Professor's house. Upon arrival they see The Professor, Stephanie, and Navi running around the house cleaning up a mess of, what looked like, green goo.

"The hell happened here?" Sage asked.

Stephanie stopped running around and turned towards her friends "Oh thank god you guys are back! Professor and I had a small miscalculation and _this_ happened," she motioned to the goo filled house, "so we need your help cleaning up!"

"But we got the fish tail." Linda whined.

"Fish tail?!" The Professor and Stephanie asked in surprise . . . and a little bit of irritation.

"Um . . . yes?" The other three said nervously.

The Professor and Stephanie just looked at each other until realization hit the Professor "OH YES! _That_ was the miscalculation! We forgot to put in the fish tail!" he laughed and went back to cleaning.

Stephanie sighed "I could've sworn we put the fish tail in . . ."

"You win some, you lose some." Linda said while patting Stephanie on the back, "but you guys seem to lose more then you win so I'm not sure what idiom to use here."

Stephanie glared at Linda "Just put the fish in the fridge and help us clean."

They did as they were told and started helping clean the nasty green goo.

***TO LINK!***

He was just about to enter the room where you fight dark Link! He got pretty far within an hour . . . and NO funky distractions! Unless you count that strange encounter he had with Princess Ruto forty five minutes ago!

***Forty-Five minutes ago!***

Link walks in to the room where Princess Ruto was standing. But instead of the ten year old Princess that he was familiar with there was a big blob with arms, legs, and light blue skin. Link stares at the blob in awe and it suddenly turns towards him.

"Link!" The blob said happily.

Link stepped back in surprise at the blob knowing his name "How do you know my name?"

"Because we're _lovers_, duh!" The blob said.

Link stares at the blob in confusion/disgust. "What do you mean?"

The blob gave Link and irritated glare "It's me, Ruto, you twit."

"When did we become lovers?" Link asked.

"You proposed to me remember?" Ruto asked.

Link's eyes widen at the surprising story that didn't actually happen "Sorry, I have _no_ idea what you're talking about."

Ruto stomped her blubbery foot; causing the ground to shake a little and Link to look around nervously, "Seven years ago when you asked for the Zora's Sapphire is when you proposed to me!"

Link just shrugged.

"Why don't you believe me?!" Ruto shouted irritably.

"Because that didn't actually happen, right?" Link asked.

Ruto glares at Link "I'll make you believe me one way or another . . . Oh . . . I see you got rid of the retarded animals." Ruto pointed out.

"No, more like taking a break from each other." Link said.

"Finally came to your senses huh?" Ruto said with a smirk. Link glared at her.

"Can you just tell me what you're doing here?" Link asked.

"I came to kill the evil spirit that infested my beautiful domain with pudding and pickle juice! I mean, what kind of sick joke was that?! Pickle juice and pudding don't even taste good together! Bastards!" Ruto explained.

"Okay. . . have you figured anything out?" Link asked.

"Yeah, some weird monster is like taking over this place so I'm headed over there to kick its ass and stuff. I just need to find the boss room and I'll kick his ass faster than you can say food." Ruto said confidently.

_Sounds like I'm dealing with another Linda_, Link thought.

Ruto gives Link a snotty look and folds her arms "I'm _much_ more sophisticated than that damn dog."

"Linda's a raccoon." Link pointed out.

"Whatever it is, I'm more smarter than it." Ruto said. Link gives Ruto a dull look.

"Wait, how did you know what I was thinking?" Link asked.

"I'm hypnotic." Ruto said.

"What?" Link asked.

"I just know." Ruto said.

"All right . . . I'm going to go now." Link said.

"Wait! Follow me!" Ruto shouted before swimming towards hole in the ceiling. Unfortunately she didn't fit through the hole and got stuck. Of course Link, being the helpful hero, helped her get unstuck.

***BACK TO THE PRESENT***

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Link asked.

"Just go dammit!" Ruto shouted. She got stuck between a door frame, again, for the fifth time.

"But if we just move your fin a little you should-" Link started.

"Get the f*ck out of here!" Ruto shouted.

Link makes his way across the falling and rising statues then opens the door. Once inside, he looks at the room in awe. It looked like an endless sea with some debris around the room and a tree in the middle. Link continued to the other side of the room where the barred door was. Just as he was about to pass the tree a sword came swinging at him! He jumped back and unsheathed his weapons! A man, who looked _very_ similar to him, but a little older, stepped out from behind the tree with his sword drawn. Link knew who it was, but kept his guard up.

"Sean . . ." Link said to himself.

"So you're the great Hero of Time everyone's talking about." _Sean_ said. He looked Link up and down, "I don't see the resemblance."

"I need to ask you something." Link said.

"And what makes you think I'll be willing to answer?" _Sean_ asked mockingly.

"What do you know about the animals I've been traveling with and their connection with Kris?" Link asked.

_Sean_ looked at Link irritably "Why would you care about that?"

"Just answer my question." Link said.

"All I know is that they hate each other . . . probably. Those animals are either kicking Kris' ass or getting caught in one of Kris' traps." _Sean_ said indifferently.

"Do you know what went on while I was in the Sacred Realm? Were you with my animals most of the time or with Kris?" Link asked.

"What's with all these lame ass questions? I'm just here to kill you." _Sean_ said.

"Kill me?" Link asked.

_Sean_ shrugged "Boss's orders."

"But you still haven't answered my questions." Link said.

"You want to know what happened while you were gone, fine. Your animals were trying to figure out how to turn human again so they went to that old guy, but he somehow made a potion that mutated one of your hairs into me. Kris ended up kidnapping that cow and me." _Sean_ explained irritably.

"Do you know why they wanted to turn back human?" Link asked.

"Probably because they're tired of being stupid ass _animals_! Stop asking me all these questions about _seven_ years ago! I'm just barely starting to get my memories back!" _Sean_ said.

"What?" Link asked.

_Sean_ rolled his eyes "When we were kidnapped, we were both brainwashed. They threw the cow into the dungeon and used me as a puppet. Happy?"

"Does this have anything to do with why you're here?" Link asked.

_Sean_ shrugged "I figured if I came back to the place where it all began I'd find out more. But Kris came after me crying about how she was sorry and she didn't want to lose me so I came down here to get away from her. But of course some fat blob had to accuse me of haunting this place and chased me so I had to go deeper into the temple to get away from it."

"Sounds like you had it hard for the last couple days." Link said.

"You're damn right I'm having a hard time." _Sean_ said.

"Look, I can help you, but I only will if you promise not to kill me." Link said.

_Sean_ gave Link a dull look "Sorry, but I have to kill you whether my boss wanted me to or not."

"Why?" Link asked.

"Because you're in my way and I'm tired of being compared to the likes of you. I hate you as much as I hate the animals that created me and that damn pig family that kidnapped and brainwashed me." _Sean_ said.

"I know you've been having a bad life so far, but that doesn't mean you have to take it out on me who had absolutely _nothing_ to do with it." Link said.

"But it's because of you that I'm looked down on, or called 'Link's look-a-like', or used as some puppet! If you never existed than I would've never existed and forced to endure just being known as someone else's _double_!" _Sean_ shouted.

"But-" Link started, but didn't get to finish because _Sean_ lunged at him.

"Don't try and feed me your excuses!" _Sean_ shouted.

Link brought up his shield and deflected _Sean's_ attack. _Sean_ slashed at Link a few more times before kicking Link's shield and forcing him a few steps back. He brought his sword up to strike Link, but instead got hit with Din's fire. He felt a quick but painful rush go through his body and stumbled back.

"What the hell was that?" _Sean_ demanded.

"A powerful spell that the great fairy gave me." Link said.

"Figures you'd have to borrow someone else's power to get your job done." _Sean_ mocked.

Link swung his sword with a horizontal slice only to have _Sean_ duck down and kick his ankles. Link fell to his side, but quickly pushes himself off the ground. _Sean_ uses a downward slice and Link catches it with his sword. Their swords were now locked together and Link had the upper hand. He was pushing _Sean_ back and was just about to knock his sword out of his hand until Ruto came bursting through the wall!

"LINK NO! IT'S DANGEROUS!" Ruto shouted as she stomped her way over to them.

"Stay back!" Link warned.

"BUT LINK I LOVE YO-" Ruto started, but all her running caused the ground to break loose and she fell through.

Link runs over to the HUGE hole in the ground and looks down it "Ruto?"

_Sean_ bursts out laughing "You've got to be kidding me!"

Link ignores _Sean_ and calls out to Ruto "Ruto can you hear me?"

Link couldn't see anything but darkness and with no response from Ruto he was getting worried. He looked around to see if he could find a light source he could use. Instead, he noticed the endless sea disappeared and it was just an ordinary room. He looked the direction where _Sean_ was supposed to be but he was gone! Link glanced around the room frantically. He steps back from the hole only to be caught in a choke hold. The more he struggled to get out of it, the tighter it got. It wasn't long before he saw the tip of a blade come closer to his face.

"You're quick to let your guard down in front of the enemy; I figured since you were the Hero of Time stuff like being wary of the enemy would be instilled in your brain." _Sean_ mocked. He noticed Link wasn't going to respond so he decided to push his buttons a little more "I bet you wish your traitor friends were here huh?"

Link, getting irritated, struck _Sean_ in the nose with the back of his head which caused _Sean_ to lose focus. Link took this opportunity to grab _Sean's_ forearm and throw him over his shoulder. Unfortunately for _Sean_, Link threw him into the hole Ruto made. Link watched as Sean disappeared in to the darkness. The barred doors on the other side of the room opened and Link took this as a sign to continue forward. He took one last look down the dark hole before continuing on to the next room and getting the long shot.

***THE ANIMALS!***

They were still cleaning the green goo in the Professor's house. Of course not much could get done since the goo was very sticky and messy.

"Can we take a break now; I'm tired!" Linda whined.

"Stop complaining so much, you're beginning to sound like Navi." Sage said.

"Shut your mouth! I do not complain that much!" Navi said.

"Do you even _listen_ to half of the things that come out of your mouth?" Linda asked.

"Do _you_?" Navi asked back.

"All right, all right, let's take a small break just so we can relax our minds." The Professor said.

"I never knew cleaning goo could work your brain like that." Cheyenne said.

"Well, when you're animals, you have to tie knots with your kidneys and—I don't know what I'm saying just ignore me." Sage said.

"Wow I guess we are kind of brain dead." Stephanie said.

"I always thought you guys were just naturally like that." Navi said.

"That's because you're a bitch." Linda said.

"Anybody up for some fish tail?" The Professor asked happily.

"Isn't that for the potion you messed up earlier?" Sage asked.

"Of course it is, but it's fine as long as we eat the rest of the fish." The Professor said.

"I'm not a big fan of fish professor." Linda said.

"That's surprising." Navi said. Linda glares at Navi.

Before Linda could respond to Navi, there was a knock at the door. They all glance at each other before the Professor makes his way to the door. He opens it with a curious look that quickly turns to fear when a sword is pointed directly at it. He throws his hands up in surrender and the animals come rushing to his aid.

"Kris?! What the hell do you want?!" Sage asked.

Kris was standing on a wobbly log while pointing a dagger at the Professor's face "Just . . . sightseeing."

"Haven't you seen enough of this place when you kidnapped Kayla and _Sean_?" Stephanie asked.

"Well that didn't count since I didn't really look around for anything else." Kris said.

"Put the dagger away before I kick this log." Linda warned. Kris put the dagger away, but Linda kicked the log anyway and Kris fell flat on her face.

"What the hell?! I did what you asked!" Kris shouted.

"Yeah, but for some reason I'm getting really pissed just looking at you." Linda said.

"That doesn't give you the right to do something like that!" Kris shouted as she rubbed her nose, "I mean, what if I got seriously injured or something?!"

"You'll live." Sage said.

"Don't tell me you came over here to steal any more of the Professor's research!" Stephanie said.

"Yeah, what would you want with that stuff anyway?" Cheyenne asked.

"Did anything happen to Link?" Navi asked.

"Stop asking me so many questions!" Kris shouted.

"Then give us some answers!" The animals shouted back.

"About the research, well, I wanted to turn human too so I took it but ended up just bringing back some old memories." Kris explained.

"What do you mean?" Navi asked.

"Well, I know you're going to hate me for this but . . . after Sean and the cow were kidnapped they were brainwashed and now . . . for some reason after Sean accidentally saw me with the potion stuff he remembered a lot about when he was first made and stuff." Kris explained.

"So?" Cheyenne asked.

"Well . . . he got pissed and ran away so when I went after him he told me . . ." Tears started to form in Kris's eyes, ". . . he told me he hated me and didn't want to have anything to do with me."

"Understandable." Stephanie said.

Kris glared at Stephanie "He hates you guys too."

"What for? we didn't do anything." Sage said.

"You are the reason he exists . . . or something like that, I forgot whatever he said." Kris said.

"Great listener." Linda said sarcastically.

"Is that why you told Link all those lies about _these_ idiots?" Navi asked, motioning to the animals. Kris nodded hesitantly.

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Sage asked.

"Is _that_ why Link got pissed at us?" Stephanie asked.

"You made me lose my honey bunches of man because you're a petty bitch?!" Linda shouted.

"I was pissed! I just lost my best friend and Link just happened to walk by! I wasn't thinking when I said all those things I just wanted someone to suffer with me!" Kris shouted.

"Well now we're all pissed and miserable, you happy?" Stephanie asked.

"That's why I'm here! I came to apologize!" Kris said.

"I'm not going to accept it until Link hears it and squeezes me tight." Linda said.

Kris sighs "Fine, I need to apologize to him anyway."

"Well now that we're all friends again, let's have ourselves some fish tail!" The Professor said.

"Sorry, we're not friends; I just came to apologize for being emotionally unstable a while back." Kris said.

"I understand, but-" The Professor was interrupted by a huge explosion outside the house. They all ran outside only to find smoke coming out of a newly formed hole near the entrance of the lake.

"Is this normal?" The Professor asked.

"I was just about to ask you the same thing." Navi said.

"Didn't I already tell you that I don't leave my house?" The Professor asked.

***BACK TO LINK***

He was in the main room about to hook shot over to the pillar to get to the boss room when he felt a tremor coming from outside the temple. He began to worry about the animals and Navi. He wanted to get out of there as fast as possible to go back and check on them. He used the hook shot to get to the other side and when he entered the next room there was spike traps sliding back and forth! I don't know how else to word that . . . It took him a while to get to the boss door, but he somehow did it with only two torn boots!

"I'm just glad it's my boots and not my feet." Link said as he looks at his feet.

He opens the door and goes inside the boss room. Other than strangely colored water surrounding several platforms, the room looked normal. Link was looking at the spikes surrounding the room when he started hearing bubbling sounds. He turns towards the strange water and notices it starting to form into something. A few minutes later, a mutated water bunny with half an ear missing is standing on one of the platforms.

Link looks around the room curiously before looking back at the bunny "Uh . . . can I help you?"

The little pink ball that controls the water suddenly floats up to the bunny's head and it jumps at Link! He jumps out of the way just in time as the bunny splashes into the wall and exploding into a pile of water. The pink ball tries bouncing back into the water but Link uses his long shot to bring it closer to him. He slashes away at its ugliness, but it still manages to get back in the water to form more animals.

This time the water forms a giant water gorilla wearing a baseball glove. Link is a little more worried about this one. The pink ball floats up to the gorilla's head then it starts beating its chest and roaring at Link. Unfortunately for the pink ball, the gorilla beating its chest caused it to fall out of his head. The gorilla noticed this and picked up the pink ball, wondering what it was. The gorilla noticed Link just standing there which irritated him, for some reason, so he threw the ball at Link! Link moved to the side and the pink ball flew straight into one of the spikes, instantly killing him.

The water evaporated and the blue ring formed in the middle of the room. Link looks around the room a little confused before stepping into the blue ring. He was warped back into the Sacred Realm or the Temple of Light (apparently that's what it's called. . . I'm going to guess it's the same thing?) where fat Ruto was waiting for him.

"Link! I missed you!" Fat Ruto cried.

"I thought you died!" Link said with surprise.

"I can't die asshole; I'm the Sage of Water!" Fat Ruto shouted.

"Oh. . . Can I ask you something?" Link asked.

"What is it my love?" Fat Ruto asked.

"What the hell did I just sort of fight?" Link asked.

"You mean Morpha; the nucleus with an animal fetish?" Ruto asked.

"I guess that's what it was." Link said.

"You did a great job! Only _my_ husband could do something like that!" Ruto said proudly.

"About that, when did we discuss this?" Link asked.

"I have to go now love, but believe me when I tell you this, I love you with all my heart and soul and body and mind so nothing will ever go wrong! Accept this medallion of our love!" Ruto shouted as she threw the water medallion, hitting Link in the face.

"Gee thanks. . ." Link said as he rubs his right eye.

Link is warped back to the little island in the middle of Lake Hylia. As he looks around he notices the lake being filled with water and Sheik wearing a cowboy outfit.

"Uh . . . Hey Sheik, what character are you supposed to be this time?" Link asked.

"I was supposed to be Billy the Kid, but one of your friends told me he was a criminal so I decided I am a man named Jack and the Bean Stalk." Sheik said.  
"Who's that?" Link asked.

"Don't know, your friends told me he was some famous cowboy/hero thing where they come from." Sheik replied.

"Oh, that's interesting." Link said.

"Quick Link, get out your bow!" Sheik said.

"Why?" Link asked.

"I'm not sure; your friends said something about standing on that small platform and shooting the sunrise." Sheik said.

Link shrugged, stood on the platform, and pulled out his bow and arrows. Fifteen to twenty minutes later the sun began to rise. He took aim, shot the sun, and then the fire arrows were born! Sheik applauded and Link just smiled. Link swam over to the platform where the fire arrows were and brought it back to Sheik.

"Where am I supposed to put it?" Link asked.

"I don't know where do you put your other stuff?" Sheik asked.

"In my bag, but since this is on fire I'm not sure where I'm going to put it." Link said.

"Just put it where your other arrows are." Sheik said.

"But my stuff will catch on fire." Link said.

"Don't be ridiculous; just stick it in there!" Sheik said before grabbing the fire arrow and shoving it in Link's quiver. Of course everything else started to catch fire so Link pulled off his quiver and threw it in the lake.

"I think that strange hat is so tight around your head that you can't think straight." Link stated.

"At least it keeps the sun out of my eyes." Sheik said.

"But is it worth it?" Link asked.

"Don't worry; I'll buy you another quiver when we get to Kakariko." Sheik said.

"What makes you think I'm headed towards Kakariko?" Link asked.

"Oh yeah, this might be a bad time to let you know this, but your friends were kidnapped about an hour ago." Sheik said indifferently.

". . . WHAT?!" Link shouted.

* * *

**All right! So here's the rest of your Christmas presents! The first being this chapter and the second being a new Deviantart account I made mostly for this fanfiction! yay...**

**I have drawn the main characters, excluding Link cause he's not mine(;_;) and Stephanie cause I just haven't gotten to her yet. So I'll post their hand drawn sketches later on tonight. I plan on turning them into digital art in the near future so you'll notice when you see them that they're a little rough... and their pupils are soul-less. WEEEE! So here's my deviantart account:**

**If it doesn't work just type in DrPuffBall in the search bar. If nothing pops up that means I haven't posted any of my pictures yet...bleh... BUH-BYE!**


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